It has been a weird year hasn't it? COVID has scuppered a lot of things in life, and even the get-away-from-it-all adult fun a lot of us crave from being on here hasn't been possible. I'm married (happily), but the last time my wife and I had any kind of sexual contact was nearly 7 years ago. We are at the point where neither of us dare broach the subject - so we are stuck with what we have. Happy companionship, I guess. We are both in our early 50s. I have absolutely no idea how my wife is handling the lack of sex in our marriage, but I know I've spent far too many hours looking at porn over the last few years... more so the last 6 weeks or so, an almost addicted state, I think. Pretty much the first thing I do when I start work (from home), and the last thing I think of at night. I more often than not don't even wank to porn these days, as my wife is always around. She is very middle-of-the-road, almost prudish, so I would imagine she is just accepting the lack of sexual activity. We were only a once every few months couple anyway, and only ever missionary - exactly how my wife wanted it - both position and frequency. I've taken advantage of the services offered by escorts in the past, but never for full sex. I always sought out those who offered only massage services, so there was no chance of me being tempted, and I felt kind of less guilty keeping it that way. Then, one drunken night, I found myself alone in a hotel, so I got a taxi, and asked the driver to take me to the nearest massage parlour - it was gone midnight - but he drove me straight there. I rang the bell, and after a short time a lady (not a worker), opened the door and offered me upstairs. This was all new to me, but exciting all the same - even though I really was too drunk to know what I was up to. A dangerous combination. I went into the waiting room, where one by one, the ladies introduced themselves very quickly, and then walked out. All kinds of shapes and sizes, but I do like black or dark-toned skin and a lovely petite lady caught my eye, and that is who I chose. I found out she was Spanish, spoke very little English and so maybe what I wanted was lost in translation - a massage only. She had no clue what I meant. As we sat on the bed, I started to touch her extremely pert nipples, but she pushed me away and said that was extra. I had paid for an hour (£80), so that would have made it £100. It didn't help when I went to try and find the extra £20. I was convinced I had left it in my shoe, but couldn't find it. I think she thought I was trying to say she had taken it already, but I was just trying to say I couldn't find it! It was in my pocket. Anyway, the extra £20 duly paid, after a bit more nipple touching, she again pushed me away and motioned she didn't like it. At this point, she got up and picked up a condom, and offered it to me. "No sex" I said, but she still didn't understand, and so she opened the condom and started putting it over my cock. I just wasn't happy, but I didn't know what to do, so I just motioned for her to give me a blow job, which she did for a brief time. But it was clear that sex was on the agenda, and I really felt as though I couldn't kick up a fuss - I was aware of the burly security guards I had briefly seen on the way in. So, sex it was, doggy style, but there was no way I was going to cum, especially as I couldn't touch her tits. So, I pulled out and just started wanking myself off furiously until I somehow managed to cum. It was all just so traumatic, so I quickly got dressed, thanked her (after apologising for some reason), and calling my taxi driver to take me back to the hotel. As soon as I got into my room, I ran a bath to wash myself. I remember crying and falling asleep in the bath for what must have been a couple of hours.... devastated at what I had done. I spent the next few months trying to get that out of my system. I visited a couple of escorts who I chose specifically for sex - just to say I'd done it on my terms, and it kind of eased my guilt. Now, after lockdown, I'm desperate to try and find some fun again - I'm genuinely struggling in this sexless marriage at the moment, but I really want to try and resist anything other than a massage.... So, just to say to those lovely people on here who write such sexy, horny (hopefully) true stories, don't ever stop living those sexual adventures, and don't ever stop writing about them - you will never know how much it helps people like me.