Ask Uncle Dirty

28 Nov 2005

I'm sitting at home waiting for an engineer to arrive (yep, I know, you're in awe of my terribly exciting life aren't you? lol

) and of course I'm here, mooching around the forum, when I remember this reply I got from dear old Uncle Dirty!

Quote by dirtydoggers
nooo, don't say that, i like questions :lol: although i do go on a bit don't i? just don't ask me to tell you about the carpark attendant dogger from darkest cambridgeshire..well, not for a fortnight anyway :lol:

Do we need an Agony Uncle for the doggers? OH YES!!!! So, I thought I'd start a thread where we can ask all those questions we've always wanted to in the hope of finding one that stumps him or launches him into such a keyboard frenzy that we can all see the mushroom cloud of his PC exploding! :lol:
Here's one for ya
Q: What exactly did the carpark attendant in darkest Cambridgeshire do? :rascal:

28 Nov 2005

What a fantastic idea, a little bit like the Dear Deidre, right off to think of some questions for Uncle Dirty (can they be about anything or do we have to ask him dogging questions?)

28 Nov 2005

I vote for anything as long as there are a few dogging questions thrown in along the way to avoid Mod wrath and beatings lol

28 Nov 2005

Yippee, I can see this is going to be so much fun. Do you think he will be mad when he see's his new name wink

Still thinking of questions but I will definately come up with some good ones for him lol

28 Nov 2005

Quote by Serendipity
I vote for anything as long as there are a few dogging questions thrown in along the way to avoid Mod wrath and beatings

Oi!!! I resemble that remark!! :lol:
Mal
wink

28 Nov 2005

Quote by Serendipity
nooo, don't say that, i like questions although i do go on a bit don't i? just don't ask me to tell you about the carpark attendant dogger from darkest cambridgeshire..well, not for a fortnight anyway :lol:

Here's one for ya
Q: What exactly did the carpark attendant in darkest Cambridgeshire do? :rascal:
We have encountered the "car park attendant" on more than one occasion,but will leave the full explanation to "Uncle Dirty" as i,me sure he will be able to make a novel out of it,not meaning you ramble Mr D we also enjoy reading your stories (hope to see you both again very soon) :wink:

28 Nov 2005

how do u drive in the dark without cracking the bumper....
MikC

28 Nov 2005

Quote by MikeC
how do u drive in the dark without cracking the bumper....
MikC

28 Nov 2005

Well im sure Uncle Dirty can help with our question .
As you know being the miserable anti social types we are , we prefer the 'anonimity' of not really chatting with doggers apart from the common thankyous etc. Now we are sure there are some amazingly amusing nick names given to regular doggers around the country , but we dont really get to hear them . The funniest one we have heard tell of is a fella who was known as " The Accountant" - it had absolutely no connection with his profession as far as the doggers were concerned , or his appearance . It was simply his habit of turning up at the carpark and then asking all the other doggers ( whilst pointing at the vehicles in the carpark) " is that one accounted for? Is that one accounted for ? " etc etc.
So Uncle , whats the most amusing nick name for a dogger you have heard ??

28 Nov 2005

you gits

honestly, serendipity, you bloody minx :lol: i got a text message off a mate, "look at swingingheaven uncle dirty"..my heart sank, i thought someone was putting me through the mangle re my post on "dogs" thread..then, after switching on the pc, i saw the title, and i fucking shat myself.."serendipity" and "naughty" on the same could only mean trouble..i'm sitting here with more skid marks in my pants than the starting grid at brands hatch...but, i fully concede, i had it coming redface

i'll keep the answers to the point, so to keep pace wink

first question..the carpark attendant..
ok, we'd heard loads about this guy, who, at the time operated out of one of the sites around peterborough..loads of couples had been abandoning the site due to his antics, so, for a giggle, we decided to have a look for ourselves..after all, it seemed a shame that the fellas were missing out due to one comedian..
as it was, we arrived mob handed.."puppyfat pete" had voiced his desire to visit the site, as had "the master"..the place was a nightmare to find, but once we located it, we soon settled down, and watched the fleeting shadows, affectionately known in these parts as "tree huggers" emerging from behind the trunks..
initially, our mass arrival must have confused the lads, and intimidated the "attendant", because, dissapointingly, he wasn't making himself known..however, we soon got down to the fun, and a group of about seven guys gathered around the open door as we treated them to a few intimate poses for "puppyfats" camera..when the photo shoot and dildo session were over, the boys thanked us, and prepared to move off..at this point, "the attendant" couldn't help himself..his authority had been undermined by our less than sheepish attitude, but now, it had to find vent as he announced to the boys,,"its a good thing they did something, i was about to move them on" :shock: . :lol:
strange thing was, like at our "mafia" controlled site, this venue's whole ambience was coloured by the actions of a very small minority, in the peterborough case, just one single fella..the news on the dogging grapevine however, is that the "attendant" has been spoken to, and serenity has returned, so alls well that ends well :lol:

28 Nov 2005

Quote by MikeC
how do u drive in the dark without cracking the bumper....
MikC

well mike, its not actually driving in the dark that caused your bumper to crack..it was hitting something wink

as a precaution, we recommend a black "jelly feel" double ender dildo, gripfilled to the rear bumper..they come in various sizes, and are great for giving "dodgem car" protection :wink: if your bumpers are garish in colour, then these dildos come in various hues, you'll be sure to find a close match..good luck.

28 Nov 2005

Does anyone listen to Steve Wright on radio 2 in the afternoons? Does this remind you of 'Ask Elvis'?????

28 Nov 2005

Quote by Silk and Big G
Well im sure Uncle Dirty can help with our question .
As you know being the miserable anti social types we are , we prefer the 'anonimity' of not really chatting with doggers apart from the common thankyous etc. Now we are sure there are some amazingly amusing nick names given to regular doggers around the country , but we dont really get to hear them . The funniest one we have heard tell of is a fella who was known as " The Accountant" - it had absolutely no connection with his profession as far as the doggers were concerned , or his appearance . It was simply his habit of turning up at the carpark and then asking all the other doggers ( whilst pointing at the vehicles in the carpark) " is that one accounted for? Is that one accounted for ? " etc etc.
So Uncle , whats the most amusing nick name for a dogger you have heard ??

Over to you Uncle Dirty,
It has probably been discussed many times before, but if i remember correctly it was your good self who put a certain addition to our good friends name,so lets hear the story of Harry "The Rock" Jones.
Hope you dont mind Harry but while you are being discussed lets put you in the picture wink

28 Nov 2005

Quote by Naughty Wigan Couple
how do u drive in the dark without cracking the bumper....
MikC

Mike you beat me to it, I was just going to post the following:
http://www.swingingheaven.co.uk/swingers-forum/viewtopic/64734.html
Uncle Dirty, do you know any places where Mike C can get his bumper repaired?
Right then back to Ask Uncle Dirty, please can you tell me how you and Mrs Dirty started dogging?
mike would be ill advised to get his bumper repaired, as its often uneconomic..if he waits until january, he'll be able to purchase a replacement in the bumper sales wink

i once tried getting the rear bumper of a nissan repaired..i took it into a shop, where the assistant informed me she couldn't help, as i was in a clock shop..i lobbed my cock out, and asked if she could put two hands on it..
mrs dirty and myself were introduced to dogging via a sunday newspaper expose of our local site..the language was emotive, with ample use of the words "furtive" "seedy" "sordid" "sick" "vile" "perverted" and "desperate"..of course, upon being offered sexual favour, the reporters made their excuses as left lol

we just had to have some of that :twisted:
our first visit was great..boy had the newspapers under sensationalized it..we were duely accosted by 15 guys, had a woman with semen running down her thigh asking if mrs dirty wanted to join her on the table..the ladies husband getting rattled at my assurance i didn't yearn to see my missus getting fucked by a group of doggers, had the offer of tea in a camper van, the owner of which revelled in describing the size of his "piece" that awaited mrs dirty should we accept his invitation, was pounced on by another couple seeking full partner swap then followed up the road by twenty cars when we left..boy that was fun :lol: two days later we were back to do our first show.

28 Nov 2005

Thanks Uncle Dirty wink

28 Nov 2005

Quote by Silk and Big G
Well im sure Uncle Dirty can help with our question .
As you know being the miserable anti social types we are , we prefer the 'anonimity' of not really chatting with doggers apart from the common thankyous etc. Now we are sure there are some amazingly amusing nick names given to regular doggers around the country , but we dont really get to hear them . The funniest one we have heard tell of is a fella who was known as " The Accountant" - it had absolutely no connection with his profession as far as the doggers were concerned , or his appearance . It was simply his habit of turning up at the carpark and then asking all the other doggers ( whilst pointing at the vehicles in the carpark) " is that one accounted for? Is that one accounted for ? " etc etc.
So Uncle , whats the most amusing nick name for a dogger you have heard ??

hello m'dears wink

first, the avetar..i've not yet made comment..i will now..the legs, the one of the pins reaching to the ceiling..beautifull, absolutely gorgeous..i'm taking now't away from the other two pics guys, they too are just lovely, but those legs are outstanding..are we agreed lads confused

: :wink:
ok, the nicknames..yes, i'm a little stumped..as "doggingtwo" have just said, most of the fellas names have been given by me lol

we've got "the master" "wing commander" "cock holiday and willy the kid" "puppyfat pete" "truckstop" "harry the rock" "morgan the organ" "ivorknackeroff" "cockter who" "catweasel" "the sperminator" "mr magoo" "brains" and (appropiately) "bush tucker"..however, the most amusing one i know of, is "the banshee"..so named, because when he is about the pop his cork, he can be heard wailing from the far end of the carpark :lol:

28 Nov 2005

dirty has now left the building...
back tomorrow to answer "doggingtwo's" question wink

29 Nov 2005

Quote by dirtydoggers
strange thing was, like at our "mafia" controlled site, this venue's whole ambience was coloured by the actions of a very small minority, in the peterborough case, just one single fella..the news on the dogging grapevine however, is that the "attendant" has been spoken to, and serendipity has returned, so alls well that ends well

I understand the car park has reverted to a park and ride for xmas wink

29 Nov 2005

does this mean santa will be out dogging biggrin

29 Nov 2005

Quote by Silk and Big G
" The Accountant" - it had absolutely no connection with his profession as far as the doggers were concerned , or his appearance . It was simply his habit of turning up at the carpark and then asking all the other doggers ( whilst pointing at the vehicles in the carpark) " is that one accounted for? Is that one accounted for ? " etc etc.

:giggle: I do hope he wasn't trying to give you and Silky double entry! (omg I made an accountancy joke! redface

)

Quote by dirtydoggers
you gits honestly, serendipity, you bloody minx :lol:

I did wait almost a whole week as promised though!! innocent

:lol:
Here's todays question : Have you ever been mid show and seen something that has made you want to laugh so much that despite trying not to, you lost all track of what you were doing and let forth with the chuckles?
and I'm sneaking another one in as I'm not around on Friday : What is the best car upholstery for dogging?

29 Nov 2005

reduced to fits of laughter, whilst out dogging?..nooo, not us, never..dogging is far too serious a sport for mirth wink

ok, so we do giggle a bit, ok, a lot..but our first "show" will take some beating for sheer helplessness on the hysterical front redface

our first reccy, as cited earlier, was greeted by an enthusiastic reception. after all, we were new kids on the block, and everyone wanted a piece of the action..we anticipated our next visit to be no less welcoming, and as such, i was concearned about opening night if we were to "show", and i couldn't get it up? surprised

ops: so, as a precaution, i hatched a plan..ok, so it wasn't cricket, but it kinda worked :wink:
we drove into the venue, chose a spot, and parked..in an instant, faces appeared at the fella kept shining a torch on his cock, i assume, to demonstrate its state of readiness :shock: oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound..mrs dirty reclined her seat and outside, things went beserk..all of a sudden, we could feel the car lurching from side to side as guys grappled for position..we didn't know until months later, that "truckstop" had been bowled over, and was now being trampled on..he related the story to us whilst reminiscing one night..things were about to go ballistic however lol

for under my coat, i had secreted "the wonder weapon"..one of mrs dirty's ultra realistic latex dongs.
things were getting a little heated..my attempts to manouvre the dong's enormous testicles into my trouser zipper were causing a stir from the boys outside..mrs dirty could stiffle her laughter no longer, and in order to muffle her vocal mirth, she decided to bury her face in my crotch, thinking it would also provide effective cover for my covert movements..not a good idea..all hell broke loose..first, the lads thought i was being sucked orff..then, due to my success in getting the devil's dumplings into my fly, the "beast" broke loose from my jacket and reached for the sky..i'd underestimated the power of elasticity, and its ability to return to its manufactured profile, which in this case, was straight up..all eleven inches of the fucker..mrs d screamed out, and i was thrust into a blind panic..mrs d was helpless, as i screamed out "what am i supposed to do with this cunt"? suddenly, the rubber rascal was thrust into torchlight..i could only look in horror as it swung back and forth like a jack in the box.."quick, jump on it" i yelled, but mrs d was pissing herself, quite literally i think :oops:
at that point, one of the lads got a little over excited, and began clambering onto the bonnet..thank fuck..we took it as our cue to beat a retreat..the beast's bollocks were too tightly wedged in my pants, so i had to contend with it bouncing off the steering wheel on departure..needless to say, we didn't try that one again :lol:
as for upholstery..well, our current vehicle is a large four wheel drive..it is all but impossible to shag whilst in the front, due to auto transmission and 4wd selector levers, not to mention two large storage compartments between the seats..but, we do have 6ft 6 inches in the back..enough room for a mattress and two pillows..plus three interior lights for softly lit bedroom ambience..the rear window comes right down electronically allowing for grandstand viewing :wink:
now ran out of time for "harry's game" back tomorrow :wink:

29 Nov 2005

:laughabove:
Ok, I have nothing to add to this right now - my face hurts from laughing so hard and I think my ears are going to fall off! lol

:lol: :lol: :lol:

30 Nov 2005

Quote by Serendipity
:laughabove:
Ok, I have nothing to add to this right now - my face hurts from laughing so hard and I think my ears are going to fall off! :lol: :lol: :lol:

don't worry about losing your ears serendipity..mrs dirty has enough spare skin on her piss flaps to make you a brand new pair should you need them wink

anyway, as promised to "doggingtwo"..the night we met harry.. :thumbup:
"doggingtwo" had made several unsuccessful attempts to meet, a then unknown, harry via email..on one such occassion, they had both been only feet away from eachother, without realising it..
we made an unschedualed visit to our local, and saw "doggingtwo's" car, we parked alongside..d2 announced that they were once again expecting the ellusive "harry" to turn up and introduce himself..now, when it gets dark at our venue, it gets kin dark, and so it is not always easy to discern facial features on bystanders..so, whilst talking with "doggingtwo" we were startled by a bright flash..the headlight beam of a passing vehicle had refracted off harry's spectacles temporarilly blinding us all..what followed was a comical stand off situation, not dissimilar to a three way gunfight..mrs dirty whispered, "who is that man with glasses"? i whispered back, "they ain't glasses, they're fucking re-entry shields"..mr dogging two whispered over to us, "do you reckon thats harry then"?, and again, in hushed response i replied " i think its a japanese sniper"..mrs d2 remarked "has he got a flat cap on"?..we peered into the gloom, the figure did appear to be wearing some headwear, we saw enough to eliminate a bobby's helmet, or turban..."switch the interior light on, he probably can't see us" urged mr d2's good lady"..at last, the silence was broken, when mr "doggingtwo" called across "harry, is that you"?..the figure wasted no time in dashing over, it was indeed harry. :lol:
after some brief introductions and exchange of pleasantries, we decided to relocate to a quieter spot, as such openly held conversations usually draw a crowd..harry was obviously a fun guy to be with, and so we proposed some photo oppertunities, the suggestion of which was gladly accepted..
on arrival at the other site, we parked up by one of the picnic tables..the two girls wasted no time in leading harry to the bench for some poses..at one point, the girls were getting down to their undies, with harry in the middle, when i proposed a "cock shot", if he was up for it..half a second later, H was pulling at his zipper..there was a creaking noise followed by the sound of stitches breaking, when suddenly, there was a resounding "thwaaaaak"..the cage door was open, and the beast had escaped..the girls looked at eachother, i glanced at d2, who in turn, looked at "the master"..eventually, i spoke..it wasn't to say much, just "fucking hell"..it was adequate to describe the collective emotion of the moment..mrs dirty reached out to grasp the organ, and announced it to be "like rock"..the legend was born :wink: from that moment, harry would be known and loved by the title, harry"the rock" jones..
due to harry's fun loving nature, and enthusiastic zest for naughtyness, we decided to finish the evening on a more intimate note..picture, if you will, this scene :lol: harry is stood on the running board of my truck, grasping onto the roof, with his pants around his ankles..mrs dirty is tugging at "the rock" with her left hand..she is reclined in her seat, for, sitting in the back, is "the master"..mrs dirty has in her right hand, my old chap..her head however, is tilted back in order to suck "master's" dick..mrs "doggingtwo" is leaning in through my open window, making the hornist noises, tits out, with mr "doggingtwo" giving her a right seeing too from behind :lol: oh what a night :wink:
at this point, harry's fingers were turning white from gripping the roof with one hand, whilst attempting to finger mrs d's jack and the other..he fell backwards, off the sidestep and onto the grass..standing there, amongst the trees, with his third leg sticking out in front, i feared he wouldn't be able to turn around..but we needen't have concearned ourselves, he announced his intention to entertain us with a "speedwhack"?.."a what" ?asked mrs d2, i could only shrug, as i'd not heard of such things either..harry spoke with confidence, he was obviously a master of his art..a "woodsman" he certainly was, but we'd never figured harry for a "whacker"..
two minutes later, harry's right hand was a was bent over to fascilitate maximum purchase, his technique was flawless..mrs d2 grasped mr two's arm, there was a tension in the air, harry's helmet started to glow red, then orange..harry himself started hissing, as if animating the python he was weilding..then all hell let loose..there was more semen being shot into the air than off the quarter deck of the titanic..H was struggling to keep control of his sausage, which was now whipping around like an angry boa constrictor, at one point, we had to duck as the camber of harry's sausage got the better of him..we all left that night knowing we had witnessed a magnificent demonstration of cocksmanship..what a sport, one of the lads :wink:

30 Nov 2005

Quote by Serendipity
:laughabove:
Ok, I have nothing to add to this right now - my face hurts from laughing so hard and I think my ears are going to fall off! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Well for god's sake dont read the next post Uncle has done! My face hurts, my sides are hurting, I spilt coffee everywhere and there are tears rolling down my face.
Uncle Dirty, you are definately in the wrong job, you could make a bloody fortune just writing your memoirs wink

Thank you so much for this little story, I will never look at Harry quite the same again (and after the crap day I have had, you have made me so much happier)
Classic :wink:

30 Nov 2005

Quote by dirtydoggers
:
anyway, as promised to "doggingtwo"..the night we met harry.. :thumbup: :

Excellent Uncle Dirty,even though it was over a year ago we first met Harry after reading your recollection of that nights events it seems like only yesterday.
Mrs D2 also enjoyed reading and remembering that nights events. lol

All we need now if for Harry to give us his memories of that night when "The Rock" and "The Speedwhack" took Norfolk by storm cool

3 Dec 2005

My memories of that night. It was an absolutely fantastic night. It is nigh impossible to follow up Mr Dirty's account, but I can say that having finally met you all after my missing by inches the previous week, I was only too eager and happy to be in a photo shoot with such lovely ladies. The photo shoot was amazing but even more incredible was the fun that followed, I can clearly remember clinging for dear life onto the roof of your car, Abba being on the CD player, everyone making me laugh so much I nearly fell off several times but above all the warmth, happiness and joy of everyone present, being shown to such a newbie as I was then to the dogging scene, and of course the sheer amazement on everyones face when I got into the speedwhack.
I left that night a very happy and satisfied Harry and the memory stays very fresh in my mind.
Regards
Harry Jones

6 Dec 2005

Uncle Dirty, Uncle Dirty...........bet you thought this had drifted into the dogging annals didn't you? :twisted: wink

So, I had a rather naughty plan for some entertainment on Friday night which fell through and my best attempts to entice a fellow dogger out to be dogged for a change have failed.
What am I going to do on Friday night UD (and everyone biggrin

)? A couple of hours in a car park turning the CD up and down to listen to the sounds of debauchery that turn out to be a snorty hedgehog? or something else?

6 Dec 2005

Dear Uncle Dirty,
Please can you help with a little problem we are having. We are looking at booking some weekends away for next year and are wondering where are the best places to visit? We dont want to be travelling too far as we will only be going Friday to Sunday.
Any help or advice you can give would be appreciated.
Confussedly Yours
Mrs NWC
xxxx
wink

6 Dec 2005

Quote by Naughty Wigan Couple
Dear Uncle Dirty,
Please can you help with a little problem we are having. We are looking at booking some weekends away for next year and are wondering where are the best places to visit? We dont want to be travelling too far as we will only be going Friday to Sunday.
Any help or advice you can give would be appreciated.
Confussedly Yours
Mrs NWC
xxxx

Hi NWC,
I,me hoping Uncle Dirty seconds my answer,this part of the country is long overdue a visit from you both. :wink:

6 Dec 2005

We are definately, 100% guaranteed getting down to see you at some stage this coming year!
Love the new avatar by the way wink