Funny 'doggy' Tales

10 Jul 2005

Ok we hear so much about people having bad experiences and others complaining either no turns up, too many turn up, or about people just not following the rules (whatever the rules are), so we thought it was about time we talked about the funny side of dogging and some of the things you see when you are out and about on your travels. Well here goes, something that happened to us on a recent night out. (Sorry if it is a bit long)
We were out with some friends from Swinging Heaven and were having the obligatory 'after fun' chat. We were parked fairly close to each other and were stood between the cars when another car drives straight up to us, puts us all in the â€˜beamâ€™ and sits there studying the scene. Mr Dogger then drives to the side of our friends car (less that 4 ft away) turns off his car, but not his headlights and watches us from there a few more minutes. He then goes to start his car and on the third attempt it finally starts! He reverses out of the parking space only to park within 3 ft of the side of our car. He then stops the car, leaving his headlights turned on yet again and climbs out. Mr Dogger, stood by the side of his car, proceeds to do a strip (apart from his boxers and socks) :shock:
By this point we could no longer hold back the laughter! In hindsight, this may have upset him a little, because he made a quick retreat back to his car and drove away (three attempts to start it again) only to park by another car about 50 feet away from us. Now these guys didnâ€™t laugh, and Mr Dogger must have thought it was his birthday! He jumps out of his car, walks over to the other car and gets in the back of it! (Still in his boxers and shocks)
Two minutes later Mr Dogger is 'evicted' from the car! He quickly legs it back to his and on attempt number three, he manages to drive away (still only dressed in his boxers and socks). lol

Feeling a bit sorry for himself he decides to come and try his luck again with us and comes and stands a few feet away from us. During all this, and in between the sniggers, we continued chatting, totally ignoring him! Mr Dogger then decides its time to join in with the chat and breaks the ice by asking for light, which someone quickly gave him, hoping he would just go away. By this point if was proving very difficult not to laugh!! :lol:
Finally realising his presence was not required, Mr Dogger makes his way sombrely to his car, dropping his fag on the floor as he goes. Before any of us could shout â€˜Dumb-ass Litter lout, youâ€™ll start a fireâ€™ he concernedly stubs out the fag end with his foot (still only dressed in his boxers and socks)!!!!!
After a few contorted facial expressions, he limps back to his car, starts it on the third attempt, and with cries of 'nite all' and drives off into the darkness!

10 Jul 2005

:lol: :lol:
Twas not me :lol:

10 Jul 2005

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: Classic!
The funniest thing Jon and I have seen was two trannies having a bitch fight. Don't get me wrong I've got nothing against TV's, but these two looked like the guys in the *Bounty* kitchen roll adverts :shock:
Great bigh thighs squeezed into a white leather mini skirt. The other has a small tartan kilt on, which reached just below his . . . buttocks :twisted:
Arms like mud wrestlers, and neither of them looked remotely feminine confused

Not quite sure what the fight started over, but they were there slapping each other about a bit, bashing each other over the head and shoulders with their handbags and eventually a wig was torn off and thrown into the bushes nearby, quickly followed by the other one's wig :shock:
We never saw either of them throw a punch, it was all slaps and hair pulling lol

That was the final straw! It was like watching a cartoon of cats and dogs fighting as they went hell for leather . . . . . arms and legs everywhere, dust being kicked up and shouts of "bitch" and "tart" resounding into the darkness :shock: :lol2:
Funny thing was, we went back the following evening and one of the wigs was still on the grass verge at the car park looking like it need a bloody good brushing out :shock: :rotflmao:
Tracy-Jayne

10 Jul 2005

Redhot, pm me with the location, just incase I ever need a wig! lol

Or we could always sell it on Ebay!
Fred, now get your socks of and let me check the soles of your feet for cigy burns :lol:

10 Jul 2005

Quote by Naughty Wigan Couple
Redhot, pm me with the location, just incase I ever need a wig!

Sorry to tell you but you're too late . . . I recently saw a nest of blackbirds living happily in it :lol2:
But they may let you have it in exchange for some of the worms we dogging couples often meet . . . wink

T-J

10 Jul 2005

pmsl, naughty, hope it was our usual croud u talkin bout, will get the story later if it is lol xx

10 Jul 2005

one of my stranger experiences involved a less than convincing tv also..in fact, this guy looked like jim bowen of "bullseye" fame..
it was back in my early days of dogging, where, on rare occassions, and with mrs dirty's approval, i would venture out on my own..we had made friends with this guy, and with some amusement i listened in on mrs dirty's and his make-up and clothing tips..it was on a solo trip that the smile was wiped from my face.. lol

pulling into the carpark, it started to rain..the tv, who i will call "patsy" spotted me and teetered over for a chat..through my open window we exchanged pleasantries, until the rain increased in velocity and he made a beeline for the passenger door muttering "i'll jump in with you, i'm getting soaked"..my fucking heart sank..for the next 30 minutes i had to endure drive byes sweeping off my starboard wing illuminating myself and "a little bully"..there were beads of sweat forming on my forehead as i gripped the steering wheel, staring straight ahead with a fixed, clenched grin on my face :shock: i remember thinking "god, don't let the boy racers come in now, pleeeeese". :lol: in fact, i think it was the last time i ventured out on my own wink

10 Jul 2005

I have to thank you for sharing your funny tales. They certainly made me laugh and there are alot of strange people out there. Wish I had been there to see it.

11 Jul 2005

Mr D, my sides are hurting with all the laughing. I can just picture you sat there, hands glued to the steering wheel, terrified!!! :giggle:
Magictongue, no it was not at the 'usual' place but we was was with two of the regulars (didnt think the usual was an appropriate place to visit at the moment,if you know what I mean)
Come on guys, keep the funny stories coming, its good to find out that it is not just us who have these little 'set backs'

11 Jul 2005

Quote by RedHot
That was the final straw! It was like watching a cartoon of cats and dogs fighting as they went hell for leather . . . . . arms and legs everywhere, dust being kicked up and shouts of "bitch" and "tart" resounding into the darkness :shock: :lol2:

That's not a fight, that's just tranny-foreplay........ rotflmao

OK........... I'll get my coat :grin:

11 Jul 2005

ok, another one for you wink

warm summer night, last year..mrs dirty and myself were chatting with a small group..a few yards further into the forest clearing were a regular couple, parked up, listning to music..now, the couple in question weren't what you'd call regular entertainers, but seemed to enjoy the sport of dogger baiting to an advanced degree..the method usually employed was bizzare, in that the guy was of a large, powerfull frame, and delighted in thumping the roof of his car with utmost force at the appearance of any hapless dogger that entered his field of vision..
it was on this night that a young, nervous would be dogger approached our group..after standing a couple of feet back, for what seemed an age, i turned to him and enquired as to what he wanted.." wh wh whos in that motor over there"? he stammered in a thick brummie accent.."oh, they're ok, just go straight over, but approach her side, not his, or he'll assume you are gay" he dissapeared..20 seconds later WHACK..jeez, it must have lifted the body of the chassis, and was followed by a resounding and strangled FUCK OFF YOU CUNT!! the dogger' lol

s audacity must have taken the big guy out of the game
all we were aware of was a figure making away from the scene like a fucking greyhound out of a trap. i swear you could feel the slipstream as he throttled past us without pausing, then vanishing into the gloom beyond :lol: moments later came the sound of tyres squeeling for grip and a hasty departure..did i feel guilty, well yeah, a little bit :cry: :lol:
oooh, i've got another..again, early days and a solo expedition..i'd been sitting, watching the line of parked cars..the one furthest from me seemed to be getting more passing attention than the others, i guessed it was probably a couple..it was a moonless night, one where the world vanishes when you kill your lights..deep in the brecklands, as the vast forest area we use is called, there are no streetlights and no light pollution from nearby towns or cities..for that reason, it is a popular spot for was no good, i had to get out and see for myself.
damn, despite my intentions of a stealthy approach, my footsteps on the hardcore seemed to echo across the entire county..my full concentration was now on the target vehicle, still some yards distant, all my senses were focused on figuring out what the fleeting shadows ahead were engaged in. twenty seconds later i was prostrate on the floor, the knees of my best dogging trousers in shreds..unbeknown to me, "black ben", dressed in black, leaning against his black car and wearing a black bobble hat had been observing my approach..now ben sounds like the walrus of lurv, a deep growling voice that has the ladies looking for his "action" as he calls it, a 12 inch ebony mamba as thick as a babies arm..his calling out "how ya doin dirty"? was sensory overload, and my brain, needing every input in order to process the information, decided my legs weren't needed. in effect, my system was shut down..my first reaction was to veer off at 45 degrees before flopping in an undignified heap at the edge of the track, clutching my chest and being serenaded by ben's frank bruno laugh..had ben been white, i wouldn't have seen him either..it was that poxy voice of his than done the damage. :lol:

11 Jul 2005

Quote by Naughty Wigan Couple
Fred, now get your socks of and let me check the soles of your feet for cigy burns

No bloody chance. Not had my socks off ( i said socks not rocks) for thirty years and have no intention of taking them of now.
You will have to take my word for it =IT WAS NOT ME.. ok wink

from Me with :love:

11 Jul 2005

Imagine the scene:-
Parked up all nice and quiet in a now defunct dogging spot.
In come a couple of car loads of the local Max power stereo, Min power engine brigade.
Lights on full beam all the way up to the bonnet then reverse over to the other side of the car park.
After about 1/2 hour flashing lights, making lots of noise, etc. etc. they are getting no response and give up.
They fire up the engines and go rushing across the car park and out towards the road with no lights on.
First car out through the gates and off down the road.
Second car follows first car but for some reason about 10 feet to the left, misses the gateway completely, rips off the passenger wing and half the door on the steel fence and posts and then ploughs the bonnet into the wall at the end.
Well by the time I've finished pissing myself I think perhaps I'd better go and see if they're alright.
So I wander across to the car in time for the driver to fall out of the passenger door and just about manage to get on his feet holding his chest that he's just wrapped round the steering wheel 'cause he didn't boither with his seat belt. The passenger gets out with blood running down his leg from a minor cut and a nose that looks like he's done a few rounds with Mike Tyson ( ditto seat belt)
I ask them if they want me to get an ambulance only to be told no it's ok the driver will ring his dad!
Ok I thinks, starting to walk away, only to hear the said driver get out his mobile, ring his dad and start to tell him how he's had a bit of a prang and how he had pulled off not realising he was next to the fence and scraped the side of the car.
I didn't hang around for said dad to arrive but decided it was time to make a sharp exit.
1/4 mile down the road what do I meet but a police car heading the other way which could only have been into the car park.
I really guess it wasn't that kids day but it entertained me for quite a while
:twisted: biggrin

:twisted: :D :twisted: :D :twisted:

11 Jul 2005

last one before bed time naughty..
there used to be a regular couple at our local, the girl was very attractive, but the lads always had trouble getting anywhere due to her husbands demands of 8 inches plus..few of boys ever measured up, although it has to be said, the afformentioned ben gave her a flange stretching she wouldn't forget..
two days before, on an impulse, i travelled to nottingham to visit the newly opened adult love shop in the goosegate area..bloody weird impulse too, i didn't know the place at all. in fact, all i knew was there was a castle, a sheriff and a bloody great forest, but by sheer luck, i happened upon the shop within a few minutes of parking up.
walking around, eyeing up the goodies, my eyes fell upon a large box, the contents purporting to be a lifecast replica of john holme's dick..well, let me explain this large toy fixation..really, truthfully, it isn't down to me..although mrs dirty has a flange that conforms to the size and general proportions of a fieldmouse's ear, she does have a passion for fanny stretching insertions. her favourite actors are lexington steele and john holmes, both actors not particularly noted for their acting skills wink

hmmm, 80 quid, oh well, hope its worth it i thought as i dropped the box on the counter.."can i open the box"? i asked.."ermm, i'm sorry, i don't think we can take them out of the packaging sir, hygene and all that" replied the assistant, whilst looking around for a senior figure.."never mind, i'll take it".said i, now thinking about the fun ahead.
"where the fuck have you been"? was the greeting.."nottingham" i smirked, whilst thrusting the box at her..ahhh, the look on her face as she saw the airbrushed image of her hero beaming from the box."ooooh" was the only response..we opened the box, and a flesh hued telegraph pole thudded into the carpet.."fucking hell" i exlaimed, "thats not moulded off his cock, thats a replica of him" i grimaced..seriously, for anyone that has seen this tool, you'll know what i'm talking about..its bloody huge :shock:
nightime arrived, and we retired to bed..the beast hadn't been mentioned since..midway through our session, mrs dirty's curiosity got the better of her."have you got that thing up here" ? she asked.."erm, yeah".."i don't think i can take it, try nudging the end in a bit" she panted..five minutes later she was cumming like a train as the synthetic bollocks bounced off her butt cheeks rolleyes

the reason escapes me, but the cyberskin john holmes ur3 doc johnson realistic, was sitting in its red silk bag, neatly stacked in my vehicle's storage compartment, whilst we sat in the carpark, chatting to the boys. "has anyone ever been big enough to shag that bird"? a disgruntled dogger enquired upon returning from an unsuccessfull encounter..it was dark, the mischevious thought crossed my mind in an instant. i grabbed the dong, and leapt out of the couple sat in their car, lights on, engine running, and obviously poised to leave. i seized the oppertunity. placing the rubber suction cup in my fly, i took on a counterbalancing backward lean, gripping my own modest todger underneath the guvenor's offering, i proceeded to take a call of nature..it worked a treat. the timing was departing couple's headlights caught me an the optimum angle as they arced around the exit point..they paused momementarily, then all hell broke loose within.."no, don't call him over" i could hear her shreik."seriously peter, lets go, its too big, look at it, its like an elephant's trunk"..the guys were pissing themselves.."pssst" beckoned the driver."yes mate"? i replied."are you up for a little fun" he pressed.."only if i can fuck you both" i retorted..the boys were killing themselves by now, so was the girl lol

..needless to say, he didn't hang around to accept my offer :wink:

11 Jul 2005

just to add naughty, taking insperation from your website, i decided to do one too..ok, so there's no text or captions yet, just a few pics..the only image of me, is of my right arm..the others depict "the master" giving instruction to mrs dirty..take a look, see what you think?.sorry to hijack the thread naughty, the flange stretcher scenario seems apropiate wink

11 Jul 2005

oooh can we be on your friends/links pages please xxx

11 Jul 2005

abso bloody lutley..consider it done..i'll work on it some more over the next few days wink

12 Jul 2005

God, these tales are funny! Thanks! And keep 'em coming. Wish I had one to contribute myself!

12 Jul 2005

Sorry for not replying sooner Mr D, but after looking at your Web Site at 6am this morning, I have been having problems concentrating all day lol

Mrs D, the photos are fantastic, just hope he realises how bloody lucky he is! And Mr D, that arm of yours was the final straw, how could I concentrate after that!!!!
Fantastic site and the photos were great!

12 Jul 2005

thank you naughty..mrs dirty returns the compliments wink

the photos were salvaged from "the master's" digi camera card thingy from some earlier photo sessions, but we are certainly inspired to do some more..it was easier for me to stick the master in the shots, cause i really wanted to play with his new camera..letting him loose on mrs d was a small sacrifice but he didn't complain.. :twisted:
we will probably be out again in a couple of weeks, so take another look after then..tell me naughty, do you have problems uploading pics onto that blinkz site? i'm finding it very hit and miss as to whether they'll load or not, and i'm thinking the quality is a bit dubious too?
so, who wants to see mrs dirty straddling "black thunder" then? lol

:lol:

13 Jul 2005

Quote by dirtydoggers
do you have problems uploading pics onto that blinkz site? i'm finding it very hit and miss as to whether they'll load or not, and i'm thinking the quality is a bit dubious too?

I have some problems uploading pics but have found that if change them to jpeg they are a bit more 'stable' and dont take two weeks to appear! As for the quality, havent really noticed that they have been too bad (and as it is a fre site, not complaining too much)

Quote by dirtydoggers
so, who wants to see mrs dirty straddling "black thunder" then? :lol:

:happy: :happy: :happy: or should that be worship

:worship: :worship:
In other words, of course we do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

13 Jul 2005

i'll strap it to the roofrack in anticipation of our next excursion wink

i'll have to look into the legallity re having an amber warning light dangling from the bollocks..if someone drove into it en-route, the suction cup would pull their windscreen out....where's that easy-glide and me lump hammer lol

:lol:
yeah, the quality is ok, but i had to re-submit some shots due to them looking a little blurry..but that could be the absinthe at work..