Modern Cars and Dogging

28 Nov 2006

Do you find that some modern cars are just not equipped with the necessary buttons for the discrete dogger?
I have not long taken delivery of a new car. I am really quite happy with many of the features:
Electric wing-mirrors are always good for scoping the area. biggrin

Fast clear windscreen. :rascal:
Dash-lights dimmer control. wink

But, why-oh-who-oh-why have they decided to take away the ability to stop your interior light coming on? Take the keys out - light comes on. Open a door - light comes on. Unlock doors - light comes on. I have a button to switch it on at any additional time, but nothing to stop it coming on when I don't want it to. confused

Having said that, just before I got this car, I had a courtesy car for a couple of weeks. It was one of those bloody stupid shaped "I see you baby - shaking that ass" cars. I think the designers were anti-dogging and chose that song as a flippin' joke. "I see you baby" is an understatement - the fecking thing had a mind of its own when it comes to light control.
Now let's say you have pulled up a fairly quiet location and want to just sit there inconspicuously and watch what is going on without drawing attention to yourself - not a bloody chance! The car just wouldn't play ball:
Pull up and turn off the headlights - nope the car says "I know your still in the car because the engine is running and I know it is dark... so the lights are going to stay on!"
:?
Ah-ha! I'll turn the engine off (by pushing a buttom I might add - no such thing as car keys for this car) - nope - car says "I know your still here and a still know it is dark. The headlights stay on! And just in case you forget where everything is, I'll illuminate the dashboard for you with 500watts of light."
:shock:
OK. I'll take out the card and bingo!!!! the headlights go out. - car says "Oh, you want to get out? let me turn the interior light on for you."
Nooooooooo! Push button, push button. - car chuckles "You need the light on to see what you are doing and by the way, that button doesn't turn the interior light off"
:shock:
It will go out in a minute (I think?) - nope, car says "I know you are still in here"
:?
I got it! I'll open and close the door to trick it! - nope, car says "I am not turning the light out until you lock the door, you might want to get back in (I know there is someone in the car really)"
evil

Feck it! I'll lock the door. - nope car says "If your out of the car, who is still in it? I better start the alarm, Help! Beep! Help! Beep! Help!"
:shock: :shock: :shock:
Shut up you bastard! - "Oh you've unlocked the door. You must want to get back in. I better put the interior light on for you"
mad

You are not getting the feckin' better of me you pile of crap! I am gonna put the card back in and trick you to turn the god-damned interior light off! - wrong! "OK, I will turn the interior light off, but I know it is dark and I am going to turn the headlights on for you before you start the engine. It's for your own safety in case you forget"
:x :x :x
Why?
Why?
Why?

28 Nov 2006

I have just looked up that light sequence in "The Idiot Dogger's Guide to Light Signals". Apparently, you are looking for the All-Blacks Rugby team, 3 transsexuals and a shetland pony ....................

28 Nov 2006

well im afraid to say it but we had a smash and we had a courtesy car too (a eurobox) and it was all singing all dancig but your right for everyone else who owned one it was probably great but for us it was certainly not "THE RIDE OF YOUR LIFE" and far from it. mad

we were glad lol

to get back to our regular car a land rover discovery.
it has loads of space and you can see down into other peoples cars wink

and above all it was built and designed by the british yes the people who brought just about everything to the rest of the world.
as for practicality well where do we start from a dogging couples point of view it really is a good car and the iterior lights only come on when asked aswell :lol: , saying that so was our 2 range rovers we had prior to this.
it would seem that the people who build these know all about outdoor sex.
DOWN WITH THE EURO BOX AND LONG LIVE THE 4X4.

28 Nov 2006

Quote by onallfours
well im afraid to say it but we had a smash and we had a courtesy car too (a eurobox) and it was all singing all dancig but your right for everyone else who owned one it was probably great but for us it was certainly not "THE RIDE OF YOUR LIFE" and far from it.
we were glad to get back to our regular car a land rover discovery.
it has loads of space and you can see down into other peoples cars and above all it was built and designed by the british yes the people who brought just about everything to the rest of the world.
as for practicality well where do we start from a dogging couples point of view it really is a good car and the iterior lights only come on when asked aswell :lol: , saying that so was our 2 range rovers we had prior to this.
it would seem that the people who build these know all about outdoor sex.
DOWN WITH THE EURO BOX AND LONG LIVE THE 4X4.

:laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: we have to agree and disagree on this one :wink: over the past 15 yrs or so we have had a number of rangerovers and yes the earlier ones , great interior that do do as they are asked :lol: :lol: but from about 91 on arghhhhh !!!!!!!!!! the bloody things have a stoopid delay on em :x :x , discreet goes out the window but, all is not lost :wink: we took the bulbs out of the front and rear courtesy lights ................result !!!!! :P and if we want to put a lttle exhibition on well we use the little map reading light that are just underneath the interior mirror :lol: :lol: god bless landrover :wink: :wink: .
as for polo ladys post about the renault arse shaky car well hun thats just down to napoleons revenge :lol: :lol: :lol: the frogs never made a good car ................EVER !!!!!!!!!!!!

28 Nov 2006

Fantastic polo - had us both in stitches .... :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove:

28 Nov 2006

Great story Ms P xx
Our advice is...................................

28 Nov 2006

Oh it's so true!! All dogging will be done from the drivers seat in my car, I daren't move my eyes too fast in case something lights up (apart from my eyes!).
The answer might be to get a hatchback, leave the rear seats down and sneak out through the boot...but remove the bootlight bulb first.
And wear camouflage make up.
And a ninja outfit.

29 Nov 2006

Hahahaha Ninja Doggers ...outstanding !! lol

:lol:

29 Nov 2006

Quote by Silk and Big G
Great story Ms P xx
Our advice is...................................

If it is a French made torch the feckin' thing will probably decide when to turn itself on and off too lol

29 Nov 2006

Quote by PoloLady
Do you find that some modern cars are just not equipped with the necessary buttons for the discrete dogger?
:x :x
Why?
Why?
Why?

Ha Ha brilliant post Pololady

Quote by NLondonJohn
I have just looked up that light sequence in "The Idiot Dogger's Guide to Light Signals". Apparently, you are looking for the All-Blacks Rugby team, 3 transsexuals and a shetland pony ....................

More unrestrained giggling here

Quote by Serendipity

Oh it's so true!! All dogging will be done from the drivers seat in my car, I daren't move my eyes too fast in case something lights up (apart from my eyes!).
The answer might be to get a hatchback, leave the rear seats down and sneak out through the boot...but remove the bootlight bulb first.
And wear camouflage make up.
And a ninja outfit.

You would still have the blokes after you dippy biggrin

Quote by Silk and Big G
Hahahaha Ninja Doggers ...outstanding !! :lol: :lol:

So you didn't see me the day I cycled to the forest confused

: With my black bicycle helmet, ski mask and black skull cap on and white sweatband I looked like a ninja.
Regards
Harry Jones

29 Nov 2006

great post Polo Lady
what about when you lock it or unlock it, like lots do. It turns into a diso with 4 flashing amber lights, (Shouting DOGGER, DOGGER, DOGGER) lighting up the whole carpark then the dogger has to sit inside until the interior light dims, descrete it ain't, especially when there's a set of headlights coming up the track

29 Nov 2006

there is something to be said for vintage iron over contemporary tin..one lesson i recently learned was on a trip to calais via eurotunnel using something rather less thirsty than my own cherished piece of two ton japanese honourable wild fuck pig..
on reaching the customs kiosk, and handing over my passport..all hell breaks loose..an unruly mob descend upon our car, knocking on the glass.."fuck me" i exclaim :shock: "its a dogging carpark" redface

but alas, it wasn't..when "dirty" comes up on the terror alert screen, there are rumblings..usually it means the customs guys will be kept in fags, booze and porn for a few more days, and they are all keen to get a bite of the cherry, especially with christmas just around the corner rolleyes

the embarrasing bit however, was the realisation that i'd not bothered learning anything about the vehicle other than getting it started, and into gear surprised

ops: now i might have THOUGHT i resembled james bond whilst hurtling down the auto-route toward grande paree in designer shades, leather upholstery and gadgetry, .but i definitely looked like a c**t at that customs checkpoint :oops: there was so much commotion, even the solitary french security looked up from his copy of le sunday frog.
for the purposes of dogging however, at the carparks we use, a 4x4 is almost obligitory..the drawback being, the eye to helmet line is somewhat restricted..the time i suggested mrs dirty wind down the window to fascilitate her viewing pleasure probably, in hindsight wasn't the best idea :cry: some doggers apply the "window down, means ok to touch"rule rather too literally..the window had but descended below boob line when two mitts thrust in and clasped her nipples betwixt forefinger and thumb :shock: one fella's elbow became wedged in the opening on going for the jack :shock: and so we scuppered any notion of mrs dirty getting to observe their enthusiasm via the erection route :oops:
the good thing about an all terrainer with oversize tyres is that you can put it into drive, choose your point of departure and just go for it..i've had my seat modified, using the batmobile in "batman returns" as insperation..on hitting a button, it thrusts me into the footwell where my viewing will be commenced through the usage of a small clear panel ..toggeling the gun sight mode will define the optimum exit point whilst ignoring slight issues such as boy racers wrapped in fiberglass condoms..all this accompanied by a sultry female voice guidance system which gives you a rascal of a boner :twisted:
as a "showing or shafting" platform, it offers 6ft 6 of quilted (optional extra) comfort, all accessible via the cockpit..with three sets of interior lights, all selectable,making the ambience controllable..standing sex is fascilitated by the electric sunroof, and ventilation, viewing or accessibility is accomadated by the electric rear window, activation of which is done via the interior, or externally should the need arise..all in all, a damn fine dogging horse..
having said all that..my rig recently spent a week at the garage..i got the key stuck in the ignition :oops: fucking key :roll: it needed a flatbed recovery too :shock: what if that had happened whilst out dogging? :shock:
kwai chang harry's semblance to a ninja is subjective..an oriental association was indeed forged on our first encounter where we thought the bespectacled figure emerging from the tree line was a japanese sniper..the martial arts association more ekky thump than ninjtsu due to harry's trademark cap and outrageous sausage lol

..personally, given harry's described attire of white armband, ski mask and black accessoried, i'd have assumed it to be michael jackson :lol:

29 Nov 2006

:giggle:
I can't add anything else, I'm laughing too much - I need to lie down!

29 Nov 2006

good thread and replies here on the dogging forum, maybe its a new euro legislation anti dogging car?
anyway funny post cool

29 Nov 2006

on the shakey arse French car.... you switch off auto lights by scrolling through the computer things from the storky thing attached to the steering wheel....
Got caught out with that on my first dogging trip out.... had to physically leave the car to get the lights off...
My nice new Honda is much more dogging friendly.... but I really want one of those Mercs with the built in infrared camera for (hmmm!) driving without lights.... :P
And don't get a Jag.... you can't even scratch you nose in one without it lighting up like Blackpool in December...
------------------------------------------
I'm the ruralspace man baby! :shock:

29 Nov 2006

all singing all dancing is just fine......but i just gotta get me one of these! :twisted:

29 Nov 2006

Will one of these do >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
confused

:

and NO this one is not mine lol

wrong colour.
Phredd

29 Nov 2006

Quote by Medic_1

I like the carpark. It has potential.

29 Nov 2006

Quote by jomu

I like the carpark. It has potential.
It's a used car lot lol

and last time I saw the van, two weeks ago it was up for sale.
phredd

29 Nov 2006

Polo, I sense you are a little miffed with this aspect of your new steed,sometimes the dealers can re-program the cars computer and switch off some of these features,try asking them to see if they can do it for you,just a thought,your post was very very funny,sounds like a script for ben elton or jeremy clarkson,x

29 Nov 2006

dont 4 get though its never over in a rover. wink

:laughabove:

30 Nov 2006

Pololady, loved the post. Read it just after you posted and thought it was hilarious!!!
Showed it to Tony last night and he was sitting on the floor, laughing so much and had tears streaming down his face............
Thanks for such an excellent post.
M&T xx
:giggle:

30 Nov 2006

I think polo is the next sketch author for "Ab Fab" :giggle: