Sex God
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.
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Sex God
The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.
To be fair the audience did try to warn him!
To be fair the audience did try to warn him!
Sex God
My Living Will
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug"
They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine !!!
The little bastards
Sorry Sara, just spotted you'd already posted this one :sad:
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug"
They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine !!!
The little bastards
Sorry Sara, just spotted you'd already posted this one :sad:
Sex God
I hate those emails where they try to sell you penis enhancers.
I got 10 today.
8 of them from my ex-girlfriend, but it's the 2 from my mum that really hurt
I got 10 today.
8 of them from my ex-girlfriend, but it's the 2 from my mum that really hurt
Sex God
SING IT GIRLS..!!!
At first I was petrified!
When you said you had 10 inches..
lord I almost died!
But spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
that I grew strong and knew that I could take you on ,
but there you are, another lie
I was ready for a Big Mac and you bought me a french fry !
I should have known it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream !
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in your jeans !
Go on now... walk out the door.
don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with 4 !
Weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't find you out ?
Dont you know, we're only joking when we say size count ?
I will survive !
As long as I have batteries, my sex life going to thrive !
I will always have good sex, with a handful of latex !
I will survive !
I will survive !
hey hey !
At first I was petrified!
When you said you had 10 inches..
lord I almost died!
But spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
that I grew strong and knew that I could take you on ,
but there you are, another lie
I was ready for a Big Mac and you bought me a french fry !
I should have known it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream !
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in your jeans !
Go on now... walk out the door.
don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with 4 !
Weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't find you out ?
Dont you know, we're only joking when we say size count ?
I will survive !
As long as I have batteries, my sex life going to thrive !
I will always have good sex, with a handful of latex !
I will survive !
I will survive !
hey hey !
Quote by HnS
SING IT GIRLS..!!!
At first I was petrified!
When you said you had 10 inches..
lord I almost died!
But spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
that I grew strong and knew that I could take you on ,
but there you are, another lie
I was ready for a Big Mac and you bought me a french fry !
I should have known it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream !
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in your jeans !
Go on now... walk out the door.
don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with 4 !
Weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't find you out ?
Dont you know, we're only joking when we say size count ?
I will survive !
As long as I have batteries, my sex life going to thrive !
I will always have good sex, with a handful of latex !
I will survive !
I will survive !
hey hey !
This has been done too lol, you will be doing the old age one next haha.
Sex God
Quote by iamagreedygirl
SING IT GIRLS..!!!
At first I was petrified!
When you said you had 10 inches..
lord I almost died!
But spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
that I grew strong and knew that I could take you on ,
but there you are, another lie
I was ready for a Big Mac and you bought me a french fry !
I should have known it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream !
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in your jeans !
Go on now... walk out the door.
don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with 4 !
Weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't find you out ?
Dont you know, we're only joking when we say size count ?
I will survive !
As long as I have batteries, my sex life going to thrive !
I will always have good sex, with a handful of latex !
I will survive !
I will survive !
hey hey !
This has been done too lol, you will be doing the old age one next haha.
I must admit I missed it the first time around, It's a classic
The old age one ? Go on post it again I'd like to see it 
Sex God
Quote by Lost
This has been done too lol, you will be doing the old age one next haha.
I must admit I missed it the first time around, It's a classic
The old age one ? Go on post it again I'd like to see it Greedy, you mean I posted an old age one as well
:doh:
Sex God
My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now.
I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.
She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on
I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.
She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on
Sex God
A visitor to a mental institution asked the Director how he decided which patients should be kept in.
The Director said, "We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket & ask them to empty the bathtub"
The visitor, "Oh, I see, a normal person would choose the bucket, because it's biggest"
Director replies, "No, a normal person would pull the bloody plug out. Would you like a bed near the window ?"
The Director said, "We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket & ask them to empty the bathtub"
The visitor, "Oh, I see, a normal person would choose the bucket, because it's biggest"
Director replies, "No, a normal person would pull the bloody plug out. Would you like a bed near the window ?"
Sex God
Spring is nearly here and our native birds are finding food scarce.
Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends.
There is no finer sight on a spring morning than a pair of tits around your nut sack.
Just remember however its a bit early in the year to expect a swallow!
Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends.
There is no finer sight on a spring morning than a pair of tits around your nut sack.
Just remember however its a bit early in the year to expect a swallow!
We've all talked to this guy...
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'
Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call centre.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'
Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call centre.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex God
Workplace vocabulary ...
Colleague = someone to share the blame
Consultant = someone with a briefcase from 50 miles away
Reliable source = someone you just met
Informed source = person who introduced you to the reliable source
Unimpeachable source = person who started the rumour
Research = find the jerk who moved the files
Expedite = confound confusion with commotion
Implement = get more people involved in the blame pool
Clarify = fill in the background with as much detail so that they forget the foreground
Experts = 'ex' is an has been & 'spirts' a drip under pressure
Colleague = someone to share the blame
Consultant = someone with a briefcase from 50 miles away
Reliable source = someone you just met
Informed source = person who introduced you to the reliable source
Unimpeachable source = person who started the rumour
Research = find the jerk who moved the files
Expedite = confound confusion with commotion
Implement = get more people involved in the blame pool
Clarify = fill in the background with as much detail so that they forget the foreground
Experts = 'ex' is an has been & 'spirts' a drip under pressure
Sex God
I just surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering...
98% of them said:
"How the fuck did you get in here?!"
98% of them said:
"How the fuck did you get in here?!"
Sex God
SMART ARSED ANSWERS 2010
6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?"the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?"the man asked.
"Yes or no" she replied.
5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
"I've been waiting for you all day" the bobby said.
The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."
2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,
"Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of fuel!"
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2010
A teacher at a college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed boy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand".
6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?"the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?"the man asked.
"Yes or no" she replied.
5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
"I've been waiting for you all day" the bobby said.
The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."
2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,
"Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of fuel!"
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2010
A teacher at a college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed boy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand".
Sex God
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom.....
Joe thinks to himself, 'Geez, she's got a great body!'
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After mom has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But still, Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...
Suddenly the father jumps up and shouts....
'I'll do the fucking dishes!!!'
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom.....
Joe thinks to himself, 'Geez, she's got a great body!'
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After mom has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But still, Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...
Suddenly the father jumps up and shouts....
'I'll do the fucking dishes!!!'
Warming the Bed
A wife is laying in bed reading a book. In walks her husband carrying a sheep. He says, "this is the cow that I make love to when you have a headache." The wife says, "if you weren't such a fucking idiot, you would realize that's not a cow; it's a sheep!" The husband replies, "if you weren't such a self-centered bitch, you would realize that I was talking to the sheep!"
Warming the Bed
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with john and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and with John, I'll be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get know your grand children. Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with john and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and with John, I'll be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get know your grand children. Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Warming the Bed
My missus aint talking to me again Since she asked me Where id most like To be buried.,
.apparently ''up to my nuts in your sister '' was not the correct answer.!
.apparently ''up to my nuts in your sister '' was not the correct answer.!
Sex God
A trainspotter was run over by a steam train
He was chuffed to bits
He was chuffed to bits
Sex God
Virgin Rail are lying bastards, they said that if you stand to close to the platform edge you will get sucked off by a passing train!
Four fucking hours I've wasted today!!
Four fucking hours I've wasted today!!
Sex God
Hi,
Please don't panic.
Just letting you know I'm in hospital.
I've just poisoned myself.
I ate what I thought was an onion.
Turned out it was a Daffodil bulb.
I should be out in the spring.
X
Please don't panic.
Just letting you know I'm in hospital.
I've just poisoned myself.
I ate what I thought was an onion.
Turned out it was a Daffodil bulb.
I should be out in the spring.
X
Warming the Bed
The dog ran off last night.
I walked Around the park for 20 minutes and Couldnt find him.
My missus said i should look harder,
so i shaved my head and got a tattoo. Still cant find the fecking dog..
I walked Around the park for 20 minutes and Couldnt find him.
My missus said i should look harder,
so i shaved my head and got a tattoo. Still cant find the fecking dog..
Sex God
Quote by HnS
Hi,
Please don't panic.
Just letting you know I'm in hospital.
I've just poisoned myself.
I ate what I thought was an onion.
Turned out it was a Daffodil bulb.
I should be out in the spring.
X
That's not funny BB actually did poison several members of the English rugby team this way in her youth.....she says it was an accident but you can't trust the welsh
Sex God
Quote by Staggerlee_BB
Hi,
Please don't panic.
Just letting you know I'm in hospital.
I've just poisoned myself.
I ate what I thought was an onion.
Turned out it was a Daffodil bulb.
I should be out in the spring.
X
That's not funny BB actually did poison several members of the English rugby team this way in her youth.....she says it was an accident but you can't trust the welsh
Staggers,
So any rumours BB just wanted the 1st XV on their backs purely co-incidental ?
Sex God
An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday, by staying overnight in one of London 's most expensive hotels. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel
but the rooms certainly aren't worth for just an overnight stop without
even breakfast."
The clerk told her that is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them" she said.
"Well, they are here and you could have" explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows, for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Broadway & Las Vegas performing here" the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows" she said.
"Well, we have them and you could have" the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it"
The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for ."
"That's correct. I charged you for sleeping with me" she replied..
"But I didn't ! " exclaims the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
And the moral, Don't mess with Senior Citizens
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel
but the rooms certainly aren't worth for just an overnight stop without
even breakfast."
The clerk told her that is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them" she said.
"Well, they are here and you could have" explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows, for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Broadway & Las Vegas performing here" the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows" she said.
"Well, we have them and you could have" the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it"
The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for ."
"That's correct. I charged you for sleeping with me" she replied..
"But I didn't ! " exclaims the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
And the moral, Don't mess with Senior Citizens
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