Treat each day as your last;
one day you will be right.
My mind is like a steel trap
- rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never go to bed angry,
stay awake and plot your revenge.
I've been on so many blind dates,
I should get a free dog.
I saw a bloke moonwalking in the street and he was really good, so I went over to complement him on his silky jackson skills,
He said ' fuck off smartarse,i've got dog shit on my trainers'
I was born to be a pessimist.
My blood type is B Negative
An Italian, English and a French man where arguing over who were the best lovers in Europe.
The Frenchman says " we French are the best lovers , when I have finished making love to my Wife she floats 1 metre off the bed in a state of joy"
The Italian man responds " that is nothing, when I have finished making love to my Wife she floats 2 metres off the bed in astate of pure ecstasy "
The Englishman replies " rubbish everyone knows it's us Englishmen who are the best ....... when I have finished making love to my Wife, I get out of bed, wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the bloody roof "
I'm taking this drink driving thing seriously.
Last night I went out and had a few drinks so I decided to leave the car at the pub and take a bus.
I'm quite proud of myself as i've never driven a bus before.
Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following 25 statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES..
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
Young woman gets on to a crowded bus. She explains to an older guy she's pregnant and could she have his seat. He gets up and she collapses into the vacant seat with a word of thanks.
"Excuse me, miss, but how far gone are you?" the old guys asks.
" Just 15 minutes and I'm absolutely knackered."
I'll start a couple off..........
Feel free to add your own to this thread.
I was on a train this morning, in the loo, having a shit, when a voice shouted "Can I see your ticket please?",
"Not right now" I replied, "I'm having a shit!".
"I don't believe you", said the voice, "Slide it under the door",
"No probs" I said, "The yellow bits are sweetcorn!".
I met my new girlfriend's parents last night.
Her dad took me to one side and said "If you hurt her, you'll have ME to answer to"
I said "It's highly unlikely to happen as I've only got a small cock and she's got an arsehole like a hippo's yawn!".
Thought I heard my neighbour shagging last night. There was moaning and groaning for ages. It turns out her elderly mother had taken a tumble and was banging her stick on the wall trying to get my attention.....
I feel a bit guilty about that wank now...
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says "Fuck off, you wont bring it back!"
My wife just swallowed my cum for the first time.
Hope that's not a sign she's coming out of her coma.
I was in Tesco with my wife, and she said "What a lazy bastard you are!!".
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the fucking trolley!.
The missus said "Turn the bedroom light out, and I'll let you stick it up my arse".
To be fair, I probably should have waited till the bulb had cooled first!.
I walked into the porn shop this morning.
I said "Three of your filthiest porn mags please mate"
He said "Have you got anything in mind?"
I said "Yes, I'm going to have a wank!".
Just bought the missus a solar powered vibrator.
Seeing as the sun shines out of her arse, it should save me a fortune on batteries!.
I fucking hate double standards.
Some bird gets a Rampant Rabbit, and it's seen as a bit of naughty fun.
But when I ordered my 240v FistMaster 5000 complete with latex revolving pussy, elasticated anus and breast nipple discharge, with built in semen collection tray also with realistic moaning sound system, I'm known as some kind of pervert!!.
THE Grim reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with the vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
Hi mate I don’t want you to panic but I’m texting you from casualty, turns out the new Dyson ball cleaner isn’t what I thought it was.
I was in Australia with the wife recently, when she was stung right on her downstairs by a wasp........
I phoned a local doctor, who turned out to be a bit of a laid back surfer type.....
"Doc, please help me"...
"Hey man, what's up?"
"My wife has been stung on her vagina and it's completely closed up"
"Bummer, dude"...........
"Cheers Doc, bye".........
a doctor was going round the wards with a rectal thermometer behind his ear till a colleague finally stopped him to ask "why the heck?!"
doctor grabs thermometer, looks at it annoyingly and says "dammit some asshole's got my pen!"
A donkey walks into a bar.
"Where's the horse?" Asks the barman.
"Recession." Says the donkey.
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Lilith xx
"POLICE SHUT M6 TOLL ROAD TO STOP MEGABUS"
Optimus Prime is gonna be pissed...
I'll get me coat
