Jokes Wanted :)

30 Oct 2014

I was wondering if the wonderful world of SH could help with a dilemma...I need jokes, corny, rude, cheesy, naff, pun-tastic...any jokes you can think of.
I need them for a newsletter I am doing. They can be Christmas related too but not essential. I know I could turn to the internet but I think it's better to ask others (already have a few) and I need a variety.
Sooooo....help please smile

31 Oct 2014

ME: Please Santa, for Christmas I'd like a dragon.
Santa: "Be realistic"
Me: Santa I'd like a really beautiful and faithful young girlfriend.
Santa: "What colour dragon would you like?"

31 Oct 2014

I've just met a deer who could write with both his left and right hooves.
He said he was bambidextrous.

31 Oct 2014

Rambo number 5 announced today.
Stallone's character is looking for a little bit of Monica in his life, a little bit of Erica by his side.

31 Oct 2014

What's green and let's you go where you want?
Permit the frog.
I recently took up meditation.
It beats sitting around doing nothing.
Two ninjas walk into a bar.
Or do they
A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn, you sick bastard."
My wife threatened to leave me over my flamingo impressions. I had to put my foot down.
Bet on 3 horses yesterday called Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times and none of them won. I blame it on the bookie.
Went to a pet shop for some breeding birds
The cashier said, "Have you got a store card?"
I said, "No but I did get a budgie excited once."

31 Oct 2014

omg zilt where did you find those lol

31 Oct 2014

Quote by dee_licious
omg zilt where did you find those

Ah, That'd be telling.
Anyhoo...
A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.
Must have bin one of them Jihady Long Legs.
This girl came up to me yesterday and said she'd recognised me from vegetarian club.
I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
My mate had a racing snail. He thought it would go faster if he took its shell off, but it only made it more sluggish.
Woman in Asda notices a young assistant. He has such a cute arse it makes her horny! She asks him to carry her shopping to her car. On the way she cant hold back anymore and says " I've got an itchy pussy " Assistant says " you'll have to point it out love, all these Japanese cars look the same to me !
My mate, Jim Apple finds introducing himself very problematic, when holidaying in France.
I was walking past the church on Sunday morning when the vicar turned to me and said, "Love your neighbour."
I said, "Me too - she's got a cracking pair of tits!"
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I wouldn't pay £100 to have a lentil on my face.
I'll stop now.

31 Oct 2014

Quote by ziltoid
I've just met a deer who could write with both his left and right hooves.
He said he was bambidextrous.

:doh:
Great jokes wink

Thanks.
Any more? smile

1 Nov 2014

Flirty,
do a forum search as the other year there was a joke thread
x

4 Nov 2014

Any particular subject? I have a joke book with about 10,000 rather dodgy jokes split into subjects to make it easier to pop a gag in any situation wink

13 Nov 2014

Quote by HnS
Flirty,
do a forum search as the other year there was a joke thread
x

Thanks

I'll have a butchers.
Have you ever looked in a bin and thought....this is rubbish?
wink

13 Nov 2014

Quote by meat2pleaseu
Any particular subject? I have a joke book with about 10,000 rather dodgy jokes split into subjects to make it easier to pop a gag in any situation

Oi you, you're no bloody use now doing a bunk smile

When you decide to come back (if before Chrimbo) then I would appreciate anything you have Mr Meaty :lickface:

16 Nov 2014

Did you hear about the rabbit that washed his thing and couldn't do a hare with it?