Two Bedouin Tribesmen were tracking through the desert. For days they traveled without sight or sound of other human life. Things become desparate as water supplies were getting perilously low and they would die if they didn't find fresh water by nightfall.
Suddenly, on the horizon appeared a small market town. The tribesmen fell to their knees in prayer as at least they were saved.
Hurriedly they entered the town to find that it was market day. In the market square itself, rows opon rows of brightly decorated stalls lay ahead on them.
They approached the first stall and saw that it had rows and rows of plain plastic dishes each containing either different flavours of jelly or custard and piles of glittering Hundreds and Thousands. "Water... Water", they pleaded but the stall holder replied "Sorry, mate, I've only got the jelly or the custard or the Hundreds and Thousands".
Undaunted they moved on to the second stall and once more pleaded "Water... water", but the reaction was the same. "You can have any flavour jelly you want, but I can't help you with the water...".
Feeling now very desparate and with their lifeforce ebbing away, they moved on to the third stall. Again all they could see were rows and rows of jelly, custard and hundreds and thousands. Again their pleas were met with the same answer.
Looking around them, they saw that every stall was identical. Rows and rows of jelly or custard or hundreds and thousands.
Abandoning hope, and realising they would probably end up as a Vulture meal for two, they trudged out of the town and back to await their fate in the desert.
The first Bedouin Tribesman turned to the other and said.... "That's the weirdest town I've ever come across". His friend replied "Yes, it was a Trifle Bazzare".
Boom Boom!
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A Joke for the Weekend...
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It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realises that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause................
"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause................
"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"
after reports from worried parents that they had seen sexual activity on the set of the teletubbies, police conducted an investigation into the matter.
their enquiries took them to the local mental hospital, where they had found that one of the guys that had been having treatment for over 10 years had recently escaped the hospital for the day.
upon question the person involved, he admitted that although he was not sha**ing tinky winky, he was f***ing lala!!
boom boom..............
their enquiries took them to the local mental hospital, where they had found that one of the guys that had been having treatment for over 10 years had recently escaped the hospital for the day.
upon question the person involved, he admitted that although he was not sha**ing tinky winky, he was f***ing lala!!
boom boom..............
Not a joke, but after having the sex ed chat with my 9 year old son this morning, which led to a discussion about the hymen, and how that can break through other means such as horse riding, I discovered this evening that he`d only gone and told the neighbours kids that my 13 year old lost her virginity to a horse :shock:
Note to self, sex ed chat needs work
Venusxxx
Note to self, sex ed chat needs work
Venusxxx
A young couple moved into a small villiage and visited the local church to see about becoming part of the congregation.
The pastor spoke to them and stated that the rest of his flock took their religion very seriously, and in order for the couple to join, they would have to show their willingness to show the same dedication.
The pastor suggested that a way to do this would be to abstain from sex for one month, the couple agreed and left for home.
Two and a half weeks later, they were both back in front of the Pastor looking very sheepish Pastor asked them why they had returned over a week early.
"Well Pastor" said the young man "We failed the test,...the first week was bad, but we got through it by willpower and second week was terrible, we had to pray, read the bible and take cold third week was unbearable Pastor, we made it to Wednesday, but the wife bent down to pick up a tin of pea,s, and overcome by lust,....I took her there and then"
The Pastor looked at them sternly and said" Then I am afraid you are not welcome in our Church" to which the young man replied,
"We,re not very welcome in tesco,s either".
Hello all. Sorry for invading the thread. I'm just trying to get into things
The pastor spoke to them and stated that the rest of his flock took their religion very seriously, and in order for the couple to join, they would have to show their willingness to show the same dedication.
The pastor suggested that a way to do this would be to abstain from sex for one month, the couple agreed and left for home.
Two and a half weeks later, they were both back in front of the Pastor looking very sheepish Pastor asked them why they had returned over a week early.
"Well Pastor" said the young man "We failed the test,...the first week was bad, but we got through it by willpower and second week was terrible, we had to pray, read the bible and take cold third week was unbearable Pastor, we made it to Wednesday, but the wife bent down to pick up a tin of pea,s, and overcome by lust,....I took her there and then"
The Pastor looked at them sternly and said" Then I am afraid you are not welcome in our Church" to which the young man replied,
"We,re not very welcome in tesco,s either".
Hello all. Sorry for invading the thread. I'm just trying to get into things
Sex God
Wife vs. Husband:
A couple drove down a country road for miles not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an arguement and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard full of mules, goats and pigs the husband asked sarcastically" Relatives of yours?"
"Yep" said the wife"in-laws!"
Creation:
A man said to his wife one day" I don't know how you can be so beautiful and stupid at the same time!"
The wife responded"Allow me to explain! God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Who Does What:
A man and a woman were having a arguement on who should brew the coffee each day.
Wife" You should do it because you get up first!"
Husband"You do the cooking around here and it's your job so you should do it!"
Wife" No you should do it and besides it says in the Bible that man should do the coffee!"
Husband"I can't believe that! Show me!"
So she fetched the Bible and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages that it indeed says "Hebrews" !
Womans perfect Breakfast:
She is drinking her gourmet coffee
Her son is on the cover of the cereal box
Her daughter is on the cover of Business week
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton!
Women's Revenge:
"Cash Cheque or Charge card?"I asked after folding items the woman purchased. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control in her purse. "So do you always carry a remote in your purse?" I asked.
"No" she said " but my husband refused to come shopping with me and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally!"
Understanding Woman (A mans perspective!)
I know I am not going to understand women when they can pour boiling hot wax on the tops of their thighs and rip their hairs out by the root and STILL be afraid of spiders!
Words:
A husband read an article to his wife on how many words a women use a day....30,000 to man's 15,000.
The wife replied" The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..."
The husband turns to his wife and says" What?"
A couple drove down a country road for miles not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an arguement and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard full of mules, goats and pigs the husband asked sarcastically" Relatives of yours?"
"Yep" said the wife"in-laws!"
Creation:
A man said to his wife one day" I don't know how you can be so beautiful and stupid at the same time!"
The wife responded"Allow me to explain! God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Who Does What:
A man and a woman were having a arguement on who should brew the coffee each day.
Wife" You should do it because you get up first!"
Husband"You do the cooking around here and it's your job so you should do it!"
Wife" No you should do it and besides it says in the Bible that man should do the coffee!"
Husband"I can't believe that! Show me!"
So she fetched the Bible and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages that it indeed says "Hebrews" !
Womans perfect Breakfast:
She is drinking her gourmet coffee
Her son is on the cover of the cereal box
Her daughter is on the cover of Business week
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton!
Women's Revenge:
"Cash Cheque or Charge card?"I asked after folding items the woman purchased. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control in her purse. "So do you always carry a remote in your purse?" I asked.
"No" she said " but my husband refused to come shopping with me and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally!"
Understanding Woman (A mans perspective!)
I know I am not going to understand women when they can pour boiling hot wax on the tops of their thighs and rip their hairs out by the root and STILL be afraid of spiders!
Words:
A husband read an article to his wife on how many words a women use a day....30,000 to man's 15,000.
The wife replied" The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..."
The husband turns to his wife and says" What?"
Orgasminator
Little girl is lost in a supermarket and crying, A security guard finds her and says "wots your mummy like?"
She replies cryin "BIG DICKS AND VODKA"
Irelands worst plane crash happened today: " a 2 seater light aircraft has crashed in to a cemetary, so far 874 bodies have been recovered, digging continues"
Husband says to wife "my olympic condoms have arrived tonight im gonna wear the gold one!!!" she replies"why don't you wear the silver and cum second for a change!!!!"
"mummy where do babies come from?" "well your daddy puts something called sperm inside me" "do you swallow it mummy" "No only if mummy wants a new dress!!!!"
humpty dumpty sat on a bed, little bo peep was giving him head, as soon as he came she began to weep she knew the taste he'd been shagging her sheep!!!!
I hear you were held at gun point of SUCK MY COCK OR DIE im so glad to hear your ok!!!!
if a woman is uncomfortable watching you wank do you think A) u need more time together B) she's a fuckin prude or C) she should have sat somewhere else on the fuckin bus!!!!!
i know alot more but they are not for your tender eyes!!!!!
She replies cryin "BIG DICKS AND VODKA"
Irelands worst plane crash happened today: " a 2 seater light aircraft has crashed in to a cemetary, so far 874 bodies have been recovered, digging continues"
Husband says to wife "my olympic condoms have arrived tonight im gonna wear the gold one!!!" she replies"why don't you wear the silver and cum second for a change!!!!"
"mummy where do babies come from?" "well your daddy puts something called sperm inside me" "do you swallow it mummy" "No only if mummy wants a new dress!!!!"
humpty dumpty sat on a bed, little bo peep was giving him head, as soon as he came she began to weep she knew the taste he'd been shagging her sheep!!!!
I hear you were held at gun point of SUCK MY COCK OR DIE im so glad to hear your ok!!!!
if a woman is uncomfortable watching you wank do you think A) u need more time together B) she's a fuckin prude or C) she should have sat somewhere else on the fuckin bus!!!!!
i know alot more but they are not for your tender eyes!!!!!
