need a break from posting??....try these for size....just light entertainment is all
for anyone who thought penguins couldn't fly...click to start click again to hit
just click on the horses heads
just move the mouse pointer around the screen
all of the above are better with the sound on....have fun
iain
and when ya finished playing with the links...here's something to read
Hangover Ratings
1 star hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.
2 star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover
Small headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2Â Sausage Rolls and a
litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following -
home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe... very gently.
6 star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly; as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating
calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is simply not an option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three
hours at least you might even succeed.
OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!
Thought so!!
am enjoying my own company tonight so am gonna continue on in my own thread...
LITTLE BILLY ON EATING CANDY:
Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat. " Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years >old." "Oh? " replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own f---ing >business!"
LITTLE BILLY ON. . . PHILOSOPHY: > > > > > >
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a >fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? " She calls on little Billy. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking. Then little Billy says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married? " The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone. " To which Little Billy replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking. " __________________________________________________
> > > > > > LITTLE BILLY ON. . . MATH: > > > > > > > > > > > >
Little Billy returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why? " asks the father. " "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3? ' I said 6," replied >Billy. "But that's right! " says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2? '" "What's the f---ing difference? " asks the father? "That's what I said! "
LITTLE BILLY ON. . . ENGLISH: > > > > > >
Little Billy goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word? " Billy says "Mas-tur-bate. " Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Billy, that's a >mouthful." Little Billy says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE BILLY ON. . . GRAMMAR: > > > > > >
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "lovely" in the same sentence twice. First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a lovely dress and she looked lovely in it." "Very good, Suzie, " replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a lovely banquet and it turned out lovely." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael! " Then, she reluctantly asked Billy "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister announced to my father that she was pregnant, and he said "lovely, just f----ing lovely
i'm tired but i can't get to sleep so here have some more reading
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in
pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practising to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR Three-one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for air and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
