A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when
he's pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and
asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving
badly?" "No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was
the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
__________________________________
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed,
when
his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache". "Perfect," her
husband
said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my d*ck with aspirin. You
can
take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!
_________________________________________
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a
faint
moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She
lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again
held
at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are
again
carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"Watch
the wall!""
______________________________________
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs
up
on
Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for
Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa
looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes
with
Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes
it
with Ken."
_______________________________________
2 SARS bugs leave the pub after a night of drinking one turns to the
other
and says, 'Bloody Hell, I could murder a Chinese'
_______________________________________
The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a
thin
and
crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.
_______________________________________
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the
puns
would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
_______________________________________
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets
his
haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna
get
hair on your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get
t*ts too."
_______________________________________
Scientists today exhumed Beethoven from his grave, when they opened the
coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano backwards. When
asked
what this meant a spokesman said he was de-composing
_______________________________________
Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami
Championships
from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View
_______________________________________
Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day.
The agent goes "Sean, i've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early.
You'll
have to be there for 10-ish". Sean furrows his brow and says
"Tennish? but I don't even have a racket."
_______________________________________
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the
deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
Jim
out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able
to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another
patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness."
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after
you
saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but
he's
dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?"
