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Ask Your Auntie

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OK - it’s a revamped site so here it is….
the revamped….
‘Ask Your Auntie’ (formerly Ask Auntie) the caring SH agony aunt.
If you need advice on your love-life, love-making, day-to-day life or some weirdo shit - just ‘Ask Your Auntie‘.
All you have to do is send me your problems via PM and you will get your heartfelt advice posted here in this thread (along with an anonymous version of your problem). No one need know it was your problem (though I am open to bribes).
So go ahead - lose the weight of that niggling problem and 'Ask Your Auntie‘!
Ms X wrote
there is this weird woman that keeps harrassing people for crisps, she is very demanding and iv been told she can be herd from over 70 miles away and is never satisfied, she just wont shut up till she has got her crisps now the problem is shes skinting me cos she never shuts up and I'm for ever buying crisps advise please!!!!!

Don’t believe everything you hear, people can often exaggerate statistics and other details to make stories more interesting. It is unlikely that this unusual woman can be heard from 70 miles away, particularly if there is other background noise (such as traffic noise etc from residential or built-up areas). It sounds to me as if she knows what she wants and is focused and assertive in her approach to achieving goals.
To resolve your financial situation; the next time you are tempted to buy a ridiculous amount of crisps, try just buying one packet and giving them to this woman you appear to be obsessed with buying crisps for.
I hope this helps
Auntie
Maybe the 70 mile thing is not so crazy...if the crisps are "walkers" lol
Mr XX of Coventry wrote:
There is a woman who lives near to me that I fancy like crazy but I just don’t know who to go about telling her as I think it is just a physical attraction. I keep bumping in to her in pubs, shops, the supermarket and sometimes on the park when she is walking her dog. I have had so many chances to go up and talk to her but I just cant do it and find myself following her for a while and then talking myself out of approaching her. On valentines I plucked up the nerve to send her a card and wrote a poem telling her how I feel everytime I see her but she does not know the card was from me. Should I tell her? Should I tell my wife?

Dear Mr XX
It is probably too late to make yourself known to the lady you have been lusting over. Once she knows the card was from you and then starts thinking about all the times you have accidentally bumped into her - she will have you marked as a stalker, tell the police and get a restraining order placed on you. By that time you won’t have to tell your wife.
The most practical way to rid yourself of this unhealthy obsession is to go out shopping. Buy your wife some new clothes (that just happen to be the same as your fantasy woman) and a wig (yes you’ve guessed the style of the wig). Then just introduce a little dressing-up role-play into your bedroom activities and do her from behind. You can live out your fantasy and nobody need be any the wiser.
Good luck
Auntie
Mr XXX of Essex wrote:
I am 48 years old and still a virgin. Am I normal

No!
Auntie
Mr XYX of Notts wrote:
my wife wants an orgasm for her birthday. where do i buy one of those confused

Dear Mr XYX
There are plenty of places you can buy your wife an orgasm here on the internet:

_


And many more.
One thing I should point out though… giving your wife an orgasm for her birthday is a bit like giving her a box of chocolates (no - I don’t mean “ya never know what ya gonna get”). You’ll be asking her to enjoy one and then ignore the fact that she now knows there is plenty more to be had. It won’t be long until she is hunting the box and stuffing her face - and usually when you are not around to catch her indulging.
Think back to Blue Peter. They convinced 10’s of 1000’s of people that it was OK to make it yourself. Have you considered signing yourself up for evening classes and learning to make orgasms. This way everyone benefits - you’ll have a new hobby, your wife will get her birthday pezzie (hand-made) and in the longer-term you’ll be able to pop one out whenever there is a special occasion.
Regards
Auntie
Ms Confused of Mids wrote:
Dear Auntie
I keep thinking the Sarge is a handsome sexy stuff muffin.
Do I need to seek medical advice dunno
Yours thoughtfully
Ms Confused

Dear Ms Confused
You should have gone to SpecSavers!
This may not be a serious condition and corrective eyewear may resovle the problem quickly and easily.
However, if you still have this problem after having your eyes checked, please, please, please seek medical advice without delay!
Best wishes
Auntie
Ms X from NW wrote:
does my bum look big in this????

Dear Ms ( confused ) X
YES!
It also looks like a man's :shock:
Mr Clumsy from Wales wrote:
Dear Auntie
I keep pissing off women I quite like. How do I stop doing this?
Mr Clumsy from Wales

Dear Mr Clumsy
Stand closer and take better aim, but make sure they actually do want to be pissed on - it's not everyones cup of tea (or pee for that matter).
Regards
Auntie
Frustrated in Bolton wrote:
I offered my new lady friend cunnilingus last night and she turned me down flat. I had set the scene and really put an effort in with candles, wine and soft music. What did I do wrong?
Frustrated in Bolton

Dear Frustrated in Bolton
You probably didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes it can be the simplest reason that can result in this type of situation.
If your lady friend was wearing her best blouse, for instance. Some of those longer pasta varieties can be a bit fiddly to eat without splashing or getting sauce all over your face. It may seem silly but it can be embarrassing eating messy food in front of a new partner and worrying you will look as if you need feeding in a high-chair whilst wearing a bib.
Next time you cook Italian try a pasta which is easier to control with a fork - such as fusilli.
Auntie
Quote by PoloLady
Frustrated in Bolton wrote:
I offered my new lady friend cunnilingus last night and she turned me down flat. I had set the scene and really put an effort in with candles, wine and soft music. What did I do wrong?
Frustrated in Bolton

Dear Frustrated in Bolton
You probably didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes it can be the simplest reason that can result in this type of situation.
If your lady friend was wearing her best blouse, for instance. Some of those longer pasta varieties can be a bit fiddly to eat without splashing or getting sauce all over your face. It may seem silly but it can be embarrassing eating messy food in front of a new partner and worrying you will look as if you need feeding in a high-chair whilst wearing a bib.
Next time you cook Italian try a pasta which is easier to control with a fork - such as fusilli.
Auntie
<<<<<< hijack mode >>>>.
I think Auntie has somewhat missed the point here.
You're not supposed to put yer 'effort in' - you're supposed to put yer tongue in. And quite frankly following that by stuffing in a bunch of candles followed by a bottle of wine an a hifi speaker (however soft) is hardly likely to receive the ladies approval is it!!
Next time I should stick to just giving her a good lickin' :thumbup:
Uncle bolt
<<<<<<< /hijack >>>>>>>> (Sorry Auntie - have I pissed you off??? wink )
.
Dear Auntie
Can you give me advice on what to do with 'piles'
Piles of :
washing
work
children
crap
broken toys redface surprisedops:
Now I know you can get hemerroid cream for piles of piles but what can I get for the above????? I value the integrity of your answers and I will follow instructions to the enth degree so I am sitting here with hope, determination and a range of equipment for the answer!!!!!!!!!!!
Quote by corriefem
Dear Auntie
Can you give me advice on what to do with 'piles'
Piles of :
washing
work
children
crap
broken toys redface surprisedops:
Now I know you can get hemerroid cream for piles of piles but what can I get for the above????? I value the integrity of your answers and I will follow instructions to the enth degree so I am sitting here with hope, determination and a range of equipment for the answer!!!!!!!!!!!

Well I think Auntie is taking a well earned rest - so Uncle will deputise for a mo'
Well Corrie, I've got to say it is very brave of you to openly admit to such an embarrassing problem. Still, if more people were prepared to do that - we'd all have a good larf!!
There is no easy solution to this problem but I can recommend taking the whole of next weekend off and have a real good blast with some friends. How's that then?
The only problem is that yer piles will be much bigger when you get back but you won't care so much with a bit o' luck! wink
Uncle that's crap advice.
In the absence of auntie I will step in.
The piles will not disappear by themselves - you need to put some effort in.
You need to con or bride someone into clearing you're piles up for you
Quote by HornyLittleBlonde
Uncle that's crap advice.
In the absence of auntie I will step in.
The piles will not disappear by themselves - you need to put some effort in.
You need to con or bride someone into clearing you're piles up for you

I can assure you that denial is far the best policy here - however - you only had to ask - when do you want me to pop 'round with me hoover and iron then??
Quote by westerross
Uncle that's crap advice.
In the absence of auntie I will step in.
The piles will not disappear by themselves - you need to put some effort in.
You need to con or bride someone into clearing you're piles up for you

I can assure you that denial is far the best policy here - however - you only had to ask - when do you want me to pop 'round with me hoover and iron then??
ty Tune kiss
However the hoovering and ironing is done - that's what dammie's for :giggle:
Quote by HornyLittleBlonde
Uncle that's crap advice.
In the absence of auntie I will step in.
The piles will not disappear by themselves - you need to put some effort in.
You need to con or bride someone into clearing you're piles up for you

I can assure you that denial is far the best policy here - however - you only had to ask - when do you want me to pop 'round with me hoover and iron then??
ty Tune kiss
However the hoovering and ironing is done - that's what dammie's for :giggle:
Go on tell me he's knackered and I can help out with the other 'chores'!! :twisted:
Quote by corriefem
Dear Auntie
Can you give me advice on what to do with 'piles'
Piles of :
washing
work
children
crap
broken toys redface surprisedops:
Now I know you can get hemerroid cream for piles of piles but what can I get for the above????? I value the integrity of your answers and I will follow instructions to the enth degree so I am sitting here with hope, determination and a range of equipment for the answer!!!!!!!!!!!

Ignore these amateurs - their intentions are good but they sure give shite advice.
OK - there are a few possible actions you can take and after some thought I would recommend…. 6” spike heel thigh length pvc boots, a pvc bodice, a whip and a set of shackles. Then get yourself a team of sex-slave cum-slut subs.
Washing - get a sub to do it whilst you crack that whip!
Work - get a sub to do it or just give up work and get the sub to play you for cracking the whip.
Children - with the extra income from the paying subbies you can afford a live-in nanny.
Crap - get a sub to clean it up whilst you crack that whip!
Broken toys - tell the subs to buy new ones or you won’t be cracking the whip.
Auntie
Quote by westerross
Go on tell me he's knackered and I can help out with the other 'chores'!! :twisted:

Dirty jobs ...........................
but somebody has to do 'em
As for the piles .............................................
mine are heaps better thanks
I know - I know
I'll get me coat
Quote by PoloLady
Ignore these amateurs - their intentions are good but they sure give shite advice.
OK - there are a few possible actions you can take and after some thought I would recommend…. 6” spike heel thigh length pvc boots, a pvc bodice, a whip and a set of shackles. Then get yourself a team of sex-slave cum-slut subs.
Washing - get a sub to do it whilst you crack that whip!
Work - get a sub to do it or just give up work and get the sub to play you for cracking the whip.
Children - with the extra income from the paying subbies you can afford a live-in nanny.
Crap - get a sub to clean it up whilst you crack that whip!
Broken toys - tell the subs to buy new ones or you won’t be cracking the whip.
Auntie

worship (Pure Auntie worship that!)
Now why didn't I think of that? Must try harder!
Mr B wrote:
Dear Auntie,
For a while now, I have had this overhwelming urge to strangle the life out of timewasters, people who whinge on the forums about not getting laid and anyone who queues in front of me. Am I abnormal?

Dear Mr B
Without knowing the dimensions of your penis I am not able to give you a detailed reply - but it is unlikely that you are abnormal. The penis comes in all shapes and sizes, so it is probably nothing to worry about. Just have fun with what you've got.
Auntie
Mr A from Who-Cares wrote:
Dear Auntie
Can you help I need to know what is the best aftershave to use that will have instant stun effect.
If youy have any ideas on concentrations that would allow me to get away with the following it would be appreciated:-
....Quick brush against and bum fumble
....Quick boob fondle
....Dry leg hump (for 10secs min)
A quick reply would be appreciated.

Dear Mr A
Try a 50/50 mix of Brut 33 and Old Spice
Good luck
Auntie
Fuck the P.M's, I need an answer.
dear auntie, now I've reached 30, I sometimes struggle to maintain an erection. Is it an age thing, is it a result of smoking, is it a result of poor diet, is it a combination of all three, or should I just stop sleeping with ugly women?
Quote by davej
Fuck the P.M's, I need an answer.
dear auntie, now I've reached 30, I sometimes struggle to maintain an erection. Is it an age thing, is it a result of smoking, is it a result of poor diet, is it a combination of all three, or should I just stop sleeping with ugly women?

Dear Mr davej
Before I give you my advice I would like to ask a couple of questions:
Do you have any red marks on your neck?
Do you pull these ugly women at night?
I await your reply
Auntie
:gagged:
the hole is already deep enough
rotflmao
Quote by davej
:gagged:
the hole is already deep enough
rotflmao

Who dug the hole?
How deep is it?
Is it coffin shape?
Concerned
Auntie
Dear Auntie
how do I tell a lady how much I like her kinky red boots.
solefull
Dear Auntie
how do I tell a lady how much I like her kinky red boots.
solefull

Dear solefull
There are many ways to get your point across. However, if the boots in question have raised interest from other admirers - you need to make your feelings stand out.
I would suggest forwarding the lady a large sum of money stuffed into a jewel encrusted purse, along with your credit card (complete with active PIN number).
Now hurry along and follow my advice.
Auntie
Dear aunty
i need to stop taking the piss out of naughtynympho but just cant help myself. have you any advice for me?
Dear Aunty,
I have a problem. I can fart backwards.
I don't blow, I inhale. Its getting to be very embarassing and painful.
Yesterday, in the bath, I absorbed a bar of soap.
Any advice?
redface