Beauty and authority.

5 Jul 2007

I've been thinking about attractiveness and authority, and wondering if I am completely shallow after all? confused

The thing is we give certain people different levels of 'power' over us. Not in the controlling sense, but in whether we listen to them or not or care about their opinions etc.
I'm not talking about 'real' friends, politicians, Doctors etc, but people we haven't met, faceless people who we talk to on internet forums - swinging or otherwise.
Ok to be blunt I have discovered that if I find somebody offensive/annoying or they are abusive towards me in any way - how I feel about it can depend on what they look like.
This is hard to explain without sounding callous or egotistical, but I shall try.
For example you may come across somebody who has an air of authority and can even feel quite domineering. They are confident and obviously are not lacking in self-esteem. You build up a picture of what they look like in your mind. This image then only serves to perpetuate your feelings of mediocrity and for some reason you care that they don’t like you etc..
Then you meet them or see pictures of them.
The bubble is burst! :shock:
I’ve found myself giggling at peoples-self importance when I discover they are not perfect looking, but actually they are deluded and rather unattractive (to me!) and dare I say it – well past it. lol

That person that once had some sort of ‘power’ over me has gone from a vision of a mighty giant to that of a rather annoying little mouse who has no effect over me at all. :giggle:
But how can this be? I actually don’t understand this at all. Am I the only person that this happens to?

5 Jul 2007

I think we all feel like that. However if they have authority over you, then they still have it whatever you think about them.
You can change the power dynamics, but not authority as this is backed up by heigher authority and generally has to be complied with.
But I know what you mean. You build up an image in your mind about someone, then you meet them and then suddenly you are quite underwhelmed by your images and find yourself thinking, ' how did I think that!'.

5 Jul 2007

I totally agree that people have a kind of authority when they're attractive - it's like the popular kids at school - they're always the ones with some kind of social power (until everyone grows up!)
I always have an idea of what someone looks like due to their persona online - and yes I'm almost always disappointed.
Are you the same Kiss(me) who 'senses' words? That really stuck in my mind for some reason!

5 Jul 2007

Quote by duncanlondon
I think we all feel like that. However if they have authority over you, then they still have it whatever you think about them.
You can change the power dynamics, but not authority as this is backed up by heigher authority and generally has to be complied with.
But I know what you mean. You build up an image in your mind about someone, then you meet them and then suddenly you are quite underwhelmed by your images and find yourself thinking, ' how did I think that!'.

Yes, I agree with you. The last paragraph particularly applies on here, doesn't it?

5 Jul 2007

Too tipsy to be delving into anything this deep, but heregoes...
Perhaps you had elevated them to a certain status in your mind- and when you meet them you realise that they are just human, and flawed like the rest of us?
dunno

5 Jul 2007

I think people who speak and write with confidence in their views always seem more authoritative than the cautious or unsure ones, but I don't think it means that they are necessarily right in what they say.
Of people who I have chatted with over the internet, here and on other sites, I have generally found them more agreeable than I expected when I have met them ... though not always quite as I had pictured them. biggrin

5 Jul 2007

no, people still think I'm a dork after meeting me
swine!
lp

5 Jul 2007

Quote by LondonPlaything
no, people still think I'm a dork after meeting me
swine!
lp

Shuddup!

:smackbottom: :smackbottom:

5 Jul 2007

Quote by flower411
Does it work the other way around ?? , if someone is self effacing or generally comes across as a bit of a dork in a forum or on the phone etc. Does your opinion of them change when they turn up and look absolutely drop dead gorgeous ??

It has worked both ways for me :lol2: and it has changed my perception on how I view most people on the forum.
With regards to Kiss's question, I agree with Duncan's last paragraph. Online persona's can be so misleading so when you actually meet that person it can be a deflated feeling :lol2:
As for Flower's comment, the one person that springs to mind for me is RPM... I always thought "hhmmmm dont think I would like him" but when I met him I thought silly

hwoar: and that he had a fabulous personality. Completely changed my outlook confused

5 Jul 2007

Quote by LondonPlaything
no, people still think I'm a dork after meeting me
swine!
lp

:lol2: I thought you were far quieter than you would be but still as lovely kiss

5 Jul 2007

Quote by flower411
Does it work the other way around ?? , if someone is self effacing or generally comes across as a bit of a dork in a forum or on the phone etc. Does your opinion of them change when they turn up and look absolutely drop dead gorgeous ??

I know it's different so sorry for sidetracking......but the bit about 'on the phone' has struck a chord with me...
whenever I call the IT helpdesk at work I always seem to get the same fella everytime.......some guy called Jim, now bearing i mind the helpdesk is based at group I have never met the man......
I've always thought he sounded very nice indeed.....but whilst chatting to a collegue the other day, she informed me that he is nothing like what he sounds like, and is actually a 50 yr old baldy with a beer gut (not even going to put a disclaimer here...but that not my type.....simple as!) so I am now thinking of him differently to how I did before confused

5 Jul 2007

Quote by Freckledbird
no, people still think I'm a dork after meeting me
swine!
lp

Shuddup!

:smackbottom: :smackbottom:
oh, ta...I think.... so I'm not a dork...
but, by that...you're infering that I'm a pig-ugly son of mongrels, a shamefull representation of humankind, who should surely be left in a darkened room... allowed only to roam in the fresh air in the depths of the night... far from civilisation... am I right?
I knew it all along... but faught hard against that feeling... and now... and now.... I think I must go sad

lp

5 Jul 2007

Quote by LondonPlaything
no, people still think I'm a dork after meeting me
swine!
lp

Shuddup!

:smackbottom: :smackbottom:
oh, ta...I think.... so I'm not a dork...
but, by that...you're infering that I'm a pig-ugly son of mongrels, a shamefull representation of humankind, who should surely be left in a darkened room... allowed only to roam in the fresh air in the depths of the night... far from civilisation... am I right?
I knew it all along... but faught hard against that feeling... and now... and now.... I think I must go sad

lp
Oh shut up! You're lovely, now stop fishing for compliments! wink

5 Jul 2007

Quote by Shireen
no, people still think I'm a dork after meeting me
swine!
lp

:lol2: I thought you were far quieter than you would be but still as lovely kiss

I do liven-up once i'm comfy...give me four or five years!
lp
and thankyou x

5 Jul 2007

Quote by LondonPlaything
oh, ta...I think.... so I'm not a dork...
but, by that...you're infering that I'm a pig-ugly son of mongrels, a shamefull representation of humankind, who should surely be left in a darkened room... allowed only to roam in the fresh air in the depths of the night... far from civilisation... am I right?
I knew it all along... but faught hard against that feeling... and now... and now.... I think I must go
lp

:doh: Bugger you can read my mind :giggle: bolt

5 Jul 2007

Quote by Freckledbird
Oh shut up! You're lovely, now stop fishing for compliments!

ooops, sorry.... good job you included: " :wink: :lol:'s".... I may have gotten the wrong impression :wink: :wink: :wink: :wink:
lp

5 Jul 2007

Quote by LondonPlaything
Oh shut up! You're lovely, now stop fishing for compliments!

ooops, sorry.... good job you included: " :wink: :lol:'s".... I may have gotten the wrong impression :wink: :wink: :wink: :wink:
lp
Indeed - I'm being very careful! :lol:

6 Jul 2007

** LONG POST ALERT ** lol

Quote by duncanlondon
I think we all feel like that. However if they have authority over you, then they still have it whatever you think about them.

I wasn't talking about real authority, not unles there are a few coppers/judges/etc the grace the internet. More of a perceived authority, of maybe even self imposed.

Quote by duncanlondon
You can change the power dynamics, but not authority as this is backed up by heigher authority and generally has to be complied with.
But I know what you mean. You build up an image in your mind about someone, then you meet them and then suddenly you are quite underwhelmed by your images and find yourself thinking, ' how did I think that!'.

Definitely! :thumbup:

Quote by Wilddaisy
I totally agree that people have a kind of authority when they're attractive - it's like the popular kids at school - they're always the ones with some kind of social power (until everyone grows up!)
I always have an idea of what someone looks like due to their persona online - and yes I'm almost always disappointed.
Are you the same Kiss(me) who 'senses' words? That really stuck in my mind for some reason!

I wouldn't say I'm disapointed as such, sometimes even just pleasantly surprised!
I'm not sure what you mean about sensing words, but I would deffinitely be interested to know. biggrin

Quote by winchwench
Too tipsy to be delving into anything this deep, but heregoes...
Perhaps you had elevated them to a certain status in your mind- and when you meet them you realise that they are just human, and flawed like the rest of us?

Hmmm maybe. I think it is also about what people project. It's when you discover that in real life they have nothing to back up their huge ego. :lol:

Quote by flower411
Does it work the other way around ?? , if someone is self effacing or generally comes across as a bit of a dork in a forum or on the phone etc. Does your opinion of them change when they turn up and look absolutely drop dead gorgeous ??

Well I've had several people on SH in the last year give me the back-handed compliment of "Now don't take this the wrong way but you are a lot more attractive than I imagined." confused

:lol2:
Maybe I just have an ugly personality!

Quote by flower411
Does it work the other way around ?? , if someone is self effacing or generally comes across as a bit of a dork in a forum or on the phone etc. Does your opinion of them change when they turn up and look absolutely drop dead gorgeous ??

It has worked both ways for me :lol2: and it has changed my perception on how I view most people on the forum.
With regards to Kiss's question, I agree with Duncan's last paragraph. Online persona's can be so misleading so when you actually meet that person it can be a deflated feeling :lol2:
As for Flower's comment, the one person that springs to mind for me is RPM... I always thought "hhmmmm dont think I would like him" but when I met him I thought silly

hwoar: and that he had a fabulous personality. Completely changed my outlook :?
I totally agree! I'm just still baffled as to why aesthetics play such a large part in our preception and quickly it can change. Won't you help me Shireen? :lol:

Quote by poshkate
I've always thought he sounded very nice indeed.....but whilst chatting to a collegue the other day, she informed me that he is nothing like what he sounds like, and is actually a 50 yr old baldy with a beer gut (not even going to put a disclaimer here...but that not my type.....simple as!) so I am now thinking of him differently to how I did before :?

Yeah, this is what I'm talking about. I guess I used the online scenario as more of an example because I pretty much work on my own, but I can see how the change in perception could happen in all walks of life.
In thinking about this I've also realised that this only really applies to people I don't like or that rub me up the wrong way. If I life and respect somebody it doesn't matter what they look like. Ok I'm doing my own head in now.
I'm still not comfortable with the fact that certains peoples opinions of me and what I say/do matters a lot less if I personally perceive them as unattractive, deluded etc. But I guess I'm not totally alone in that feeling.

6 Jul 2007

Hey Kiss, good thread. Not sure exactly where you're coming from Kiss but I get the gist of what you're saying. I don't really see anyone on here as having authority (apart from mods of course lol

)perceived or otherwise, just different levels of confidence/eloquence in posting that maybe gives others that feeling dunno

But i do agree with meeting people and the shock when they are so different to your perceived view or their online persona.
What attractivness has to do with authority I am not too sure? I take it you mean because someone comes across as authoritative, they have confidence therefore they assume they are attractive to other folk?
pink x

6 Jul 2007

This is a really interesting thread! :thumbup:

6 Jul 2007

very interesting thread! remind me of this...

6 Jul 2007

Quote by blueandpink
What attractivness has to do with authority I am not too sure? I take it you mean because someone comes across as authoritative, they have confidence therefore they assume they are attractive to other folk?

I don't think it's necessarily that they think they are more attractive (although there probably are some that do!); to some people, someone else's authority/power is the attraction.

7 Jul 2007

Maybe its more to do with attraction that you think - for the majority of people, with the exception of the very blunt, we all withold some of the things we'd actually like to say to people.
I know that over time I haven't said things to people as I found them attractive (or had a quasi-respect for them that I later think was based on the fact that I was attracted to them), a sort of crush mentality that meant that I was more keen to agree with them than if I had thought they were unattractive.
I sometimes feel that, especially on sites like this, a percentage of people are less likely to speak their minds lest they should have to meet that person in real life and/or be attracted to them or upset someone that they later might want to play with.
Maybe the way you (and maybe that's the a 'we' as well as I'm sure its not just you that feels like that??) feel is some variation on that - if you are intimidated by someone or have a run in with them online then that sets you partly against them but the thought of having to co-exist with them online/meet them IRL/potentially want to have a play meet with them prevents you from saying anything back but as soon as you realise that you wouldn't entertain them in any sort of way then you feel that you can say whatever you like as it becomes of less consequence??
Just my 2p on the matter - its late and I've had too much chocolate so if this is a load of c**p please excuse me lol

8 Jul 2007

Quote by Kiss
Then you meet them or see pictures of them.
The bubble is burst! :shock:

Dammit - I know I shouldn't have come in to the Pussy Posse! wink

Quote by and then you
..... and dare I say it – well past it.

Speaking as someone who's been told 'You post younger than you are', which is a kind way of saying 'Yer an old bastard aren't ya'. All I can say is I can't help it. I post as I think and as I have a mental age of three I don't intend to try and post like an OAP.
I'm not having a gripe here. But I do know that it is easy to create a different impression to the reality without trying. Much of the misconception can also be created in the mind of the reader. How old you perceive someone to be can be the product of a very small sample of information, which in this medium is going to be limited anyway. Once the preception/misconception is there it is very difficult to shift.
So the only thing I can say is don't build up your expectations on patchy information.
.

8 Jul 2007

I'm quite an assertive person in real life, especially when dealing with strangers.
But when I joined this site, and before I met anyone, I assumed that all you folk on the forum were very sophisticated, experienced, model-types. You were, I assumed all far out of my league in every way.
In short, you weren't real people but some sort of cyber version of baywatch, where everyone is gorgeous and chilled and happy.
Because of this, and this is where my point is lol

I did feel intimidated, by my imagined version of you .
Since I have met some of you, and - this is where I hope no one reads me wrongly - and realised that you are normal folk rather than the cast of said TV programme, (beautiful, yes and attractive, and witty, etc etc... - but normal) I feel more on an even keel with you as regards giving my opinions about things.
So yes,kiss, i agree.

9 Jul 2007

What attractivness has to do with authority I am not too sure? I take it you mean because someone comes across as authoritative, they have confidence therefore they assume they are attractive to other folk?

I don't think it's necessarily that they think they are more attractive (although there probably are some that do!); to some people, someone else's authority/power is the attraction.
Ah OK I get it now :doh: Similar lines to feeling attracted to men in uniform wink

9 Jul 2007

I dont know if im reading your question wrong but I shall give my opinion anyway and if it makes sense then all the better lol

For me, attractiveness and authority rarely go hand in hand when I am trying to work out someone who is online. There are people that I think will be attractive when I meet them (after watching their style, their language, their online persona). People that dont think they are attractive to me always seem a little more attractive than the really confident, look at me type of people.
Then there are people who seem to have authority and I imagine them to be much like that in real life too but I never imagine them to be attractive. I more or less think of them like my old school teachers :shock sad

not very attractive).
Louise xx

9 Jul 2007

Quote by blueandpink

What attractivness has to do with authority I am not too sure? I take it you mean because someone comes across as authoritative, they have confidence therefore they assume they are attractive to other folk?

I don't think it's necessarily that they think they are more attractive (although there probably are some that do!); to some people, someone else's authority/power is the attraction.
Ah OK I get it now :doh: Similar lines to feeling attracted to men in uniform wink

Something like that, yes. Although there are some uniformed men who use it to their advantage rolleyes

9 Jul 2007

So what authority figure do you think you look lke?
I think I could be like a character from a Martin Scorsese film, but I probably look like John Cleese. rolleyes

10 Jul 2007

Thanks for the replies!
I really hope it didn't come across like my only criteria for valuing a person's opinion or not was anything to do with looks - because that isn't the case at all.
It's just much easier to disregard a persons insult/dig or 'out there' opinion if they look as rough as a badgers arsehole. :lol2:
Maybe a little unfair, but a coping mechanism nonetheless. I guess it’s just because I hadn’t thought about it before.
Thanks again.