Each year, the Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.
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bet y'all know some good jokes
A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman
"Any Bread"
Barman "No, I don't have any bread"
Duck "Any bread"
Barman "No"
Duck "Any bread"
Barman "No, I don't have any fucking bread"
Duck "Any bread"
Barman "Look, if you ask me one more time if I have any bread I will nail your beak to this fucking bar"
Duck "Any nails"
Barman shouts "no"
Duck "Any bread"
"Any Bread"
Barman "No, I don't have any bread"
Duck "Any bread"
Barman "No"
Duck "Any bread"
Barman "No, I don't have any fucking bread"
Duck "Any bread"
Barman "Look, if you ask me one more time if I have any bread I will nail your beak to this fucking bar"
Duck "Any nails"
Barman shouts "no"
Duck "Any bread"
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is"
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to be ruining her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell
me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've
sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church for three months.
Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What
did you get?"
Tommy replied, "Three month's vacation and five good leads."
SORRY BLONDES!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a girl comes home from School and says to her Mummy “Mummy, I can count to 20 when all of the other girls can only count to 10, is that because I am Blonde?â€. “Yes dear, it is because you are Blonde darling†Replies her Mum.
The next day she comes home, “Mummy, I can do a Handstand but none of the other girls in my class can do a handstand. Is that because I am Blonde?â€
Again, Mummy replies, “Yes dear, that is because you are Blonde†and ruffles her hair.
The following day she comes home. “Mummy, after PE we were in the showers and I noticed that I have much bigger boobies than the other girls. Is that because I am Blonde?â€
“No dearâ€, replies her Mum. “That’s because you are 25!â€
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blondy Stand Right Here
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde,
'Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!'.
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, 'Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!'
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
'What's so funny?' the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, 'Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!!
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is"
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to be ruining her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell
me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've
sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church for three months.
Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What
did you get?"
Tommy replied, "Three month's vacation and five good leads."
SORRY BLONDES!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a girl comes home from School and says to her Mummy “Mummy, I can count to 20 when all of the other girls can only count to 10, is that because I am Blonde?â€. “Yes dear, it is because you are Blonde darling†Replies her Mum.
The next day she comes home, “Mummy, I can do a Handstand but none of the other girls in my class can do a handstand. Is that because I am Blonde?â€
Again, Mummy replies, “Yes dear, that is because you are Blonde†and ruffles her hair.
The following day she comes home. “Mummy, after PE we were in the showers and I noticed that I have much bigger boobies than the other girls. Is that because I am Blonde?â€
“No dearâ€, replies her Mum. “That’s because you are 25!â€
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blondy Stand Right Here
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde,
'Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!'.
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, 'Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!'
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
'What's so funny?' the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, 'Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!!
This Father has 3 daughters he can't wait to marry off. One day there's a knock at the door. He opens it to a suited city type with a Merc waiting in the drive.
City Guy: Hi, my name's Lance. I've come to take Florrence to the dance. Do you think there's a chance?"
Off they go and 14 months later they marry.
Another knock on the door. This time another smartly dress guy at the door with a beemer wiating in the drive.
Beemer Guy: Hi, my name's Joe. I've come to take Floe to the show. Do you think she'll go?
Off they go and a few months down the line the father's left with only one unmarried daughter. Till that knock comes on the door again.
He opens the door to an SH member
SH member: Hi, my names Tucker.
:grin:
City Guy: Hi, my name's Lance. I've come to take Florrence to the dance. Do you think there's a chance?"
Off they go and 14 months later they marry.
Another knock on the door. This time another smartly dress guy at the door with a beemer wiating in the drive.
Beemer Guy: Hi, my name's Joe. I've come to take Floe to the show. Do you think she'll go?
Off they go and a few months down the line the father's left with only one unmarried daughter. Till that knock comes on the door again.
He opens the door to an SH member
SH member: Hi, my names Tucker.
:grin:
