I got a couple, heres one,
A duck walks into a stockbrokers office and puts 500 bucks onto his desk
and says "I want to buy 500 bucks worth of Microsoft shares".
The stockbroker looks at him and says "But you're a duck".
Duck: "Yeah, I'm a duck, so what?"
Broker: "But you can talk"
Duck: "Yeah, I'm a duck and I can talk, what of it?"
Broker: "Where did you get 500 bucks?"
Duck: "See out the window, see that building site over there?
Broker: "Yes"
Duck: "Well I'm a bricklayer, and I get paid good money, so for the next 5
months I'll be coming back here to buy 500 bucks worth of shares weekly"
Broker: "Listen, I've got a friend who owns a circus, and I bet you he
would pay a lot more for you than what you're getting now"
Duck: "A circus? Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't a circus always
travelling to different towns?"
Broker: "Yep"
Duck: "And don't these circus people live in tents and caravans?'
Broker: "Yep"
Duck: "Then why the f*** would they need a bricklayer?"
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bet y'all know some good jokes
Master of Sex
two fruit pastils sat at a bar.
green fruit pastil says hes the hardest sweet in town.
red fruit pastil asks why and is told of all the fights green has been in.
the door to the bar opens and stood there is a locket,red has noticed green missing.
when the locket had his drink and left green reapiered shakeing.
when red asked why green was so scared being the hardest sweet in town,
green replied yeah but that locket was MENTHOL(mental)
green fruit pastil says hes the hardest sweet in town.
red fruit pastil asks why and is told of all the fights green has been in.
the door to the bar opens and stood there is a locket,red has noticed green missing.
when the locket had his drink and left green reapiered shakeing.
when red asked why green was so scared being the hardest sweet in town,
green replied yeah but that locket was MENTHOL(mental)
Pair of swingers, sat at home on a saturday night(no party invites that evening!), when all of a sudden a flying saucer lands in the back yard,
Aliens appear at the door with a magazine," we saw your advert in this contacts mag, so what do you reckon" says mr alien,
well, mr and mrs swinger look at eachother, and say, hey why not, so mrs goes off with the alien bloke, and mr goes off with the alien bird.
Mrs gets a look at alien blokes manhood, and says"it aint very big is it, its like an inch long!!" to which he swiftly rubs his nose, his knob grows and he says "hows that",
"well, its long but its really thin, like a pencil" says the mrs, to which the alien swiftly rubs his earlobe and it grows in girth emensly, and low and behold the mrs has a wild night of pasion and hard banging.
Next morning, mr and mrs swinger having a cuppa coffee, mrs says " I had a great shag last night, how bout you"
"nah she did nothing for me, just kept rubbing me earlobes and tweaking me nose!"
Aliens appear at the door with a magazine," we saw your advert in this contacts mag, so what do you reckon" says mr alien,
well, mr and mrs swinger look at eachother, and say, hey why not, so mrs goes off with the alien bloke, and mr goes off with the alien bird.
Mrs gets a look at alien blokes manhood, and says"it aint very big is it, its like an inch long!!" to which he swiftly rubs his nose, his knob grows and he says "hows that",
"well, its long but its really thin, like a pencil" says the mrs, to which the alien swiftly rubs his earlobe and it grows in girth emensly, and low and behold the mrs has a wild night of pasion and hard banging.
Next morning, mr and mrs swinger having a cuppa coffee, mrs says " I had a great shag last night, how bout you"
"nah she did nothing for me, just kept rubbing me earlobes and tweaking me nose!"
Quote by satin
two fruit pastils sat at a bar.
green fruit pastil says hes the hardest sweet in town.
red fruit pastil asks why and is told of all the fights green has been in.
the door to the bar opens and stood there is a locket,red has noticed green missing.
when the locket had his drink and left green reapiered shakeing.
when red asked why green was so scared being the hardest sweet in town,
green replied yeah but that locket was MENTHOL(mental)
Two pieces of road at the bar.
A4522 says to B23, "I'm the hardest road in town"
B23 says, "I don't think you're harder than that road who just came in"
"Why?" asks A4522
B23 replies, "My brother knows him, reckons he's a Cycle Path"
Sex God
Two cows in a field, one says to the other, "Scarey, isn't it?"
"What is?"
"BSE. You know, mad cow disease."
"Oh that. Yeah, very scarey. Doesn't bother me of course, I'm a helicopter."
"What is?"
"BSE. You know, mad cow disease."
"Oh that. Yeah, very scarey. Doesn't bother me of course, I'm a helicopter."
A horse walks into a pub. The barman turns to him and says "why the long face?"
Sex God
Man walks into a bar
"Fuck, that hurt!"
"Fuck, that hurt!"
Mary had a little lamb....
wait for it......
wait for it......
The Midwife fainted!
Sorry!
wait for it......
wait for it......
The Midwife fainted!
Sorry!
Orgasminator
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a Bear
I've often seen her little lamb
but I've never seen her bare.
The old ones are the best ;)
She also had a Bear
I've often seen her little lamb
but I've never seen her bare.
The old ones are the best ;)
Sex God
Q. What do you call a man with a pile of leaves on his head?
A. Russell.
Q. What do you call a man with a pile of cowshit on his head?
A. Pat
Q. What do you call a man with a rabbit on his head?
A. Warren
Q. What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
A. Eileen
Q. What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg longer than the other?
A. Irene
Q. What do you call a man with a wooden head?
A. Edward
Q. What do you call a man with three wooden heads?
A. Edward Woodward
Q. What do you call a man with four wooden heads?
A. I don't know, but Edward Woodward would
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No idea
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no idea
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs who is chewing a razor?
A. Still no bloody idea
A. Russell.
Q. What do you call a man with a pile of cowshit on his head?
A. Pat
Q. What do you call a man with a rabbit on his head?
A. Warren
Q. What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
A. Eileen
Q. What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg longer than the other?
A. Irene
Q. What do you call a man with a wooden head?
A. Edward
Q. What do you call a man with three wooden heads?
A. Edward Woodward
Q. What do you call a man with four wooden heads?
A. I don't know, but Edward Woodward would
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No idea
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no idea
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs who is chewing a razor?
A. Still no bloody idea
Quote by Ice Pie
Q. What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg longer than the other?
A. Irene
Q. What do you call a man with a wooden head?
A. Edward
Q. What do you call a man with three wooden heads?
A. Edward Woodward
Q. What do you call a man with four wooden heads?
A. I don't know, but Edward Woodward would
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs who is chewing a razor?
A. Still no bloody idea
Ok ok I've partaken of a few of Mr Daniels finest but these (despite being old) have caused much hilarity in this house and plenty of groaning and eye rolling from morbius hehehehee
Sex God
Quote by Calista
[Ok ok I've partaken of a few of Mr Daniels finest but these (despite being old) have caused much hilarity in this house and plenty of groaning and eye rolling from morbius hehehehee
The old ones are the best, and I'm fast approaching the age where I really need to convince people of that ;)
I used to be a sado-beastial necrophiliac, but I realised I was just flogging a dead horse!
:D :Dq. what do you call a man with a car on his head
a. jack
:lol:
a. jack
:lol: 
Casanova
Saw this thread and couldn't resist, so apologies in advance !!
Q. What do you call a man in a swimming pool ?
A. Bob
Q. what do you call a man with a lighthouse on his head ?
A. Cliff
Q. what do you call a man car bumper on his head ?
A. Reg
Q. What do you call a woman with a frog on her head ?
A. Lilly
Q. What do you call a woman who throws all her bills in the fire ?
A. Burnadette
Q. What do you call a woman balancing two pints of lager on her head and a snooker cue in each hand ?
A. Beatrix Potter
Etc. Etc. Etc.
Sorry :doh: I could go on but I will save you all the trauma ............
Regards Dan
Q. What do you call a man in a swimming pool ?
A. Bob
Q. what do you call a man with a lighthouse on his head ?
A. Cliff
Q. what do you call a man car bumper on his head ?
A. Reg
Q. What do you call a woman with a frog on her head ?
A. Lilly
Q. What do you call a woman who throws all her bills in the fire ?
A. Burnadette
Q. What do you call a woman balancing two pints of lager on her head and a snooker cue in each hand ?
A. Beatrix Potter
Etc. Etc. Etc.
Sorry :doh: I could go on but I will save you all the trauma ............
Regards Dan
Sex God
The chicken and the egg are having sex together. The egg suddenly sits up and lights a cigarette.
"Well," says the chicken, "I guess that's that question answered."
"Well," says the chicken, "I guess that's that question answered."
The seven most important men in a womans life:
The Doctor:Because he tells you to take off your clothes.
The Dentist:Because,he tells you to open wide.
The Milkman:Because,he asks you;do you want it in the front or the back?
The Hairdresser:Because,he asks you do you want it blown or teased?
The Interior Decorater:Because,he tells you once it's in you'll like it.
The Banker:Because,he tells you,if you take it out to soon,you'll lose interest.
Last But Not Least,The Hunter:Because,he goes deep into the bush,he always shoots twice,and he always eats what he shoots.
The Doctor:Because he tells you to take off your clothes.
The Dentist:Because,he tells you to open wide.
The Milkman:Because,he asks you;do you want it in the front or the back?
The Hairdresser:Because,he asks you do you want it blown or teased?
The Interior Decorater:Because,he tells you once it's in you'll like it.
The Banker:Because,he tells you,if you take it out to soon,you'll lose interest.
Last But Not Least,The Hunter:Because,he goes deep into the bush,he always shoots twice,and he always eats what he shoots.
A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods.”
“Tiger Woods the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” asks his wife.
The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that!” she claims.
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that,” again she claims.
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a third time.”
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this damn hole!
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods.”
“Tiger Woods the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” asks his wife.
The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that!” she claims.
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that,” again she claims.
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a third time.”
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this damn hole!
Quote by Andy100
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this damn hole!
Long winded - but worth waiting for.
and :welcome: to the Cafe. Quote by Ice Pie
Q. What do you call a man with a pile of leaves on his head?
A. Russell.
Q. What do you call a man with a pile of cowshit on his head?
A. Pat
Q. What do you call a man with a rabbit on his head?
A. Warren
Q. What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
A. Eileen
Q. What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg longer than the other?
A. Irene
Q. What do you call a man with a wooden head?
A. Edward
Q. What do you call a man with three wooden heads?
A. Edward Woodward
Q. What do you call a man with four wooden heads?
A. I don't know, but Edward Woodward would
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No idea
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no idea
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs who is chewing a razor?
A. Still no bloody idea
q what do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and no genetalia
a still no fuckin eyed deer
this actually happened to me last night.
was standing outside pub drinking with a couple of people. This kid dressed as Dracula comes up to me and goes "Mister, trick or treat"
I was like right in the middle of a good conversation with this pretty girl so I was well hacked off he had interrupted. So I said "Go on then do us a trick"
The little kid looked a bit preplexed and said "I bet you a fiver I can make you say 18"
So I was like yeah right and the other people I was with gave it the "wooo's" to see if I'd take the kids' bet challenge. I agreed.
The kid said "What's 37 add 43?"
I was like "Eighty"
And the kid went "haaaa got ya"!!!!
So I said "Fu** off, I never said Eighteen I said Eighty!!!!!!"
smart little bugger I'll give him that.
was standing outside pub drinking with a couple of people. This kid dressed as Dracula comes up to me and goes "Mister, trick or treat"
I was like right in the middle of a good conversation with this pretty girl so I was well hacked off he had interrupted. So I said "Go on then do us a trick"
The little kid looked a bit preplexed and said "I bet you a fiver I can make you say 18"
So I was like yeah right and the other people I was with gave it the "wooo's" to see if I'd take the kids' bet challenge. I agreed.
The kid said "What's 37 add 43?"
I was like "Eighty"
And the kid went "haaaa got ya"!!!!
So I said "Fu** off, I never said Eighteen I said Eighty!!!!!!"
smart little bugger I'll give him that.
A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her while
stationed in Saudi Arabia. So she sends him a very special
care package.
He is very excited to get a package from his wife back home.
He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a
VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his
buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great
time eating the cookies and watching TV.
In the middle of one of the shows, the tape cuts to a home
video of his wife on her knees giving his best friend oral
sex. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth
and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl
of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By
the way, I want a divorce."
stationed in Saudi Arabia. So she sends him a very special
care package.
He is very excited to get a package from his wife back home.
He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a
VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his
buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great
time eating the cookies and watching TV.
In the middle of one of the shows, the tape cuts to a home
video of his wife on her knees giving his best friend oral
sex. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth
and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl
of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By
the way, I want a divorce."
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part
of the Irish countryside. Â The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf,
greets him in typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, Â two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" Â replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the God's earth are dey for?" Â inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything"
of the Irish countryside. Â The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf,
greets him in typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, Â two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" Â replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the God's earth are dey for?" Â inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything"
Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump (of course) didn't respond.
The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire." The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that. You really don't want to make him mad!"
"Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head. "What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge.
"If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien "When a guy has genitalia; he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him."
The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire." The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that. You really don't want to make him mad!"
"Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head. "What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge.
"If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien "When a guy has genitalia; he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him."
