do not walk bear footed with eyeballs on toes while around WBB
(don't ask!)
JGL
Dont do press ups in your parents conservatory in nowt but a jock strap when you think no body is in....
Because their neigbour may just phone them to let them know that there is a strange naked man running about in their house!.
Never try and use your phone when having a piss in the loo when ya rat arsed!
make sure u tuck yer willy in yer boxers b4 u pull yer zip.............. :fuckinghell: deanxx
Never tie your lace in a revolving door.
Err, if you insist on driving quite fast indeed on the motorway, be sure to check your rear view mirror frequently.
This little tidbit was given to me by the nice officer that pulled me over :/
TAXI DRIVERS!! STAY SAFE!!! Don't pick up strangers in your car!!!!!!
Save money on expensive surround sound home cinema systems by only watching films when the appropriate noises are going on outside, eg watch horror movies when there is a storm on, or cowboy films whilst local drug gangs are fighting it out in the street.
Never lift a manhole cover with your mobile in your shirt pocket..........
Dave_Notts
Well, I can't claim credit for it. Found it in the 'Top Tips' section on the Viz website...
Found this one too:
Single men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
bukkake lovers- remember to take off that condom before orgasm
Boil an egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
when living with others that dont know about your "swinging life" dont print the details of a munch then go to bed before talking the printout out of the printer.
Don't book a parachuting course when you are scared of heights............you tend to just hang on to the wing and fly off into the sunset with the jumpmaster hammering your fingers and arms trying to get you to release. They also tend to kick your side and legs to make you let go because they can't turn the aircraft around with a prat hanging on for dear life.
Dave_Notts
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
Somebody choking on an ice cube? A kettle of boiling water poured down the throat neatly solves that little problem....
Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey.
It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."
Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film
and press them into your eyes.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.
Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa
anytime by just turning on the tap.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,
because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-
arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.
A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.
ops: :oops: :oops: 
:cry: :(
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: