As Diana Ross and The Supremes sang:She just keeps us hanging on..
OK Folks - off to grab a bite to eat (Shredded Wheat perhaps - and a cup of tea!)
Maybe see you later - or perhaps tomorrow!
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I wanted to tell my Grandkids I was there when..
Oh well I can tell them I wasn't there instead!
..wait a minute..I haven't got any Grandkids so I can't tell them either way!
Damn and Blast
Do you realise what I did for my 3000th post?
Flippin Hangman!
Max Bygraves and his bluddy (tm Misschief 2004) blue toothbrush!!!!!!!!!!!
Marmalaid - I hold you personally resposible for this!!!
hmmm, 50 off of 3000 eh, is that millimeters bust size across those lovely nipples Alex?
Well Done Alex !!
Have you been on another posting frenzy today?? :shock: :shock: :shock:
Agricola!!!!!!!!!!
I wondered what all the commotion was down the street last night!
I heard this engine which sounded a little like a very old John Deere tractor badly in need of a service, then the squeal of brakes and a slight skid and a thud. It's OK the council are out this morning replacing that bollard.
I looked out of the window and saw someone in a long dark coat hobble out of the vehicle and into the bushes, closely followed by a couple of 4 legged animals and a flurry of feathers. it was a little hard to distinguish quite what make of vehicle it was due to the abundance of mud and certain other brown stuff plastered all over it. The smell was quite strange too - almost diesel oil and cow muck and 'off' duck eggs. This smell reached me even though I was some 100 yards down the road and 'up wind'.
Anyway I thought I had better get back to my PC as Marmalaids hangman was driving me mad. I didn't want to post, but I knew the answer, I kept typing then deleting........typing then deleting......oh that Marmalaid was cruel to use Max Bygraves as a lure.
Next thing I heard was the police siren so my answer just sat on the screen unsent as I went to the window yet again. Well I say it was a siren - it was actually the squeezy horns on the police tandem - we are trying to club together in the village to buy them a bike each, but so far in the last eigthteen months we have only managed to collect £2 11s 3d and two buttons!
This time it seems a small crowd had gathered, the police tried to move them on but some of them seemed to be in some pain as strange noises came from their mouths (almost like stifled laughter but surely not), and they were all holding their sides. Perhaps the fumes from the coating on that vehicle were more pungent than I thought. I got a hanky from my drawer and placed it over my mouth in case I inhaled some of the noxious fumes.
It was obviously quite contagious as soon it had affected 'Sniffer' Jones and 'Wing Nut' Lewis - our two local village bobbies. Sniffer got his name from sticking his nose into other peoples business once too often and Wing Nut as a result of the size and angle of his ears. Anyway - I digress, Sniffer and WingNut managed eventually to drag themselves away, coughing and spluttering. They weaved their way through the gathering masses - only narrowly missing the zimmer frames and walking sticks.
It was then I saw Pervy Pete - the local porn seller heading to the crowd. Pete never misses an opportunity to make a quick buck. He cunningly disguises his material in inoccuous magazine covers. The Sage brouchure is his personal favourite at the moment. However there has been a rush on those, so I have heard recently that he has been bribing the Big Issue sellers with a free bottle of rum (home produced after a night on the ale - he just adds a few drops of rum essence to give it that authentic smell :shock: ). So, Acricola, have you read those Big Issues yet - you may find some of those 'Issues' may be 'Bigger' than you had imagined.
Anyway all this time I was unable to see quite what all the commotion was about, so eventually I decided to wander down to have a look for myself - I decided I had best not go outside just wearing my leather basque and fishnets, so I donned my World War 2 gas mask, put on me wellies and full length barbour and me drain clearing gauntlets and headed out. As I left the room my coat caught the keyboard, I couldn't see what key I'd hit - the vision in that gas mask isn't the best since I tried to clean the lens with a brillo pad.
As I headed down the road a half naked figure burst through the crowd and headed for the source of the odour, quickly followed by a goat and a sheepdog and a duck. My heart stopped for a minute, surely this could not be my Darling, Agricola, my Shropshire Luvver? But then I thought, No - why would be be at my neighbours house and not mine? Or is he two-timing me? Surely Not? I tried to make my way through to see more clearly, but just when I was almost within reach, the vehicle coughed and spluttered into life and trundled down the road disappearing in a plume of blue exhaust fumes.
As we all stood there in amazement, the door of the house opened and a miraculous sight met our eyes. Old Mrs Entwistle, outside whose sheltered accommodation, the crowd had formed, appeared at the door. She is 90 if she is a day and hasn’t walked (nor had a bath as far as we can tell) for years.
She was not only on here feet, she had made her own way downstairs on her Stannah Stairlift, had donned her best surgical stockings (the ones with only 3 ladders) and an almost clean thermal vest! It was a sight to behold!!!! She had a glint in her eye and was shouting ‘Come back here, Big Boy’ and ‘I’ll show yer a good time, me old duck’. We had to call the local priest to come and calm her down!
So Agricola from reading your post I can only conclude that you had called at number 102 instead of number 120! And the flickering screen you assume was my PC screen was in fact, Mrs Entwistles TV as she watched Coronation Street.
Could I ask though just where you had buried your costume? I have heard on the local news that they are looking in to contamination in the local river. It has gone a strange browny-purple colour and all the fish are dead.
Regards
From your Lancashire Lover!
By the way – when I got back in the house last night I had found that as I left I had clicked Send on the keyboard and so sent my 3000th Post as a answer to hangman!
I’m a (bluddy) blue toothbrush indeed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Neil - its in here - I renamed the thread!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Alex,
I'm very well thankyou: the hard bed seems to suit my back...and, I'm managing to speak quite easily to my hosts.( I used to watch 'The Bill'.) I enjoyed my trip to Wiggin yesterday, never been there before. Unfortunately, the trip home wasn't so good. I'm afraid the old Landy objected at being thrashed at 45 mph to escape the bobbies and died on the M6. I always assumed vehicles died on the hard shoulder, but, not Landy's apparently. Still, the outside lane wasn't too busy really, well, only one wagon hit me from behind, I felt like telling him off for being in the outside lane-against the law don't y'know!! Anyway, I digress, the crash itself wasn't the problem: the impact dislodged a half skinned deer in the back which shot forwards and attached itself to my head. I couldn't see a damned thing. It appears that the shunt also tipped up the ferret box and Jilly, Pippa and Stan escaped. Being a bit hungry ,they spotted what they thought was a bit of venison going cheap and attacked. What a todoo! I staggered out of the cab and tried to shake the deer and the ferrets off. Still being in my 'costume' I was somewhat restricted and strayed , inadvertently , into the middle lane. I didn't hear the screech of brakes, but do remember a lot of bad language and dogs barking. I was totally blind as the ruddy deer's carcase was completely wedged, and my 'costume' had fallen down to my ankles. I heard a dog barking and dropped my head to see if I could free it; how was I to know the flaming prize Poodle chose that moment to attack!! Apparently the antlers hooked him up like a country lad on a tart's suspender. His owner got so mad that he attempted to punch me,or rather, he actually delivered a right cross straight down the deer's throat, and his arm got jammed . His wife tried to interject but the ferrets took exception to their meal being disturbed and Jilly 'locked on' to her right ear.
So, when the Police arrived they were greeted by the spectacle of a half naked man , 'in his costume', with a deer on his head, underwear around his ankles,a dead poodle impaled on the antlers, ferrets now feasting on the poodle, a blood soaked man with his arm jammed down the deer's throat, clutching hold of a woman who was trying to kill a ferret which was now attached to the man's neck. Nothing too unusual I suppose.
So, I'm up in court tomorrow(it would have been today but they can't decide just what to charge me with. They aren't sure if it's connected with motoring, cruelty to animals, or dressing in a manner likely to compromise National security...my 'costume').
Anyway, the REALLY bad news is that the 'costume ' got messed up. Damn. I so wanted you to see it.
Anyway, I enjoyed my trip to Wiggin.
Love
PS My lawyer chap suggests I tell them that my parents forced me to watch 'The Wicker Man' for days on end. What is he on about?
<<< puts his solicitor head on, and goes into chin scratching mode for a bit . . . . >>>
right agricola, i have a cunning defence mate, that just might get you off in court tomorrow.
right first off, to explain away the deer. M6 you say? hunting country that is eh? so, you we're playing the part of a stag in a local hunt, leaping across the moors and brooks with wild abandon, tossing your antlers, making sort of staggy noises, hotly persued by hounds and redcoats and stuff. so you say "it's a stag costume yer honour, what's wrong with that then? illegal is it to dress up as a stag? no well there you go then!" like that.
now the ferrets and poodle. while behaving in a generally deer like manner, a poodle standing guard over a rabbit warren while it's master put down the ferrets, became distracted. hunting dogs poodles are. hunting country again you see. and ferrets too, all hunting. you with me?
right so your leaping over the moors all majestic and stag like, and the poodles after you now, and quite nasty are them poodles, so the other bloke grabs his ferrets, and starts chasing his poodle chasing after you, leaving you no option but to run onto the M6 in a last ditch attempt to escape. you've obviously lost the hounds and horses now cos they got confused by the poodle scent, and put right off by the smell of ferrets, so they buggered off ok? no sign of 'em.
so finally, on the M6, the poodle manages to gets hold of you, cos you're a knackered stag after all that bounding about and stuff, yanks down, what was it you were wearing? never mind! yanks down whatever you were wearing with it's vicious teeth, and fearing that yer testicles are gonna end up in this poodles gob ok, you turn round to see what this bleedin' dogs doing, and accidentally impale it on the antlers, which you'd forgot you were wearing being exhausted and confused.
at that point the bloody dogs owner lost it, started attacking you and trying to set his ferrets on you, at which point his mrs joined in, and cos ferrets as you know are loyal, devoted creatures, it inadvertently launched itself at mrs poodle owner thinking she was going after it's master.
write it down, learn it off by heart, jobs a good 'un. walk away scot free i reckon! just remember you're the victim in all this. might even get some compo out of criminal injuries on this one mate!
glad to help you know me!
neil x x x ;)
Dazed and confused. I can't read all this now - I shall return!
Well done Alex - never seen anyone count down from 50 out before - went in a flash!!