WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN
A Christmas tree is always erect.
Even small ones give satisfaction.
A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
A Christmas tree has cute balls.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
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The Office Party
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Went to my works Christmas disco last night
- they played 'the twist', so I twisted.
- they played ' jump', so I jumped
- then they played come on eileen' & I was kicked out after that...
:sad:
A guy drunk so much at the office party he threw up all down his shirt
terrified to go home like it he asked his mate what to do.
His mate said, when you arrive home, hand your mrs a tenner and tell her that it was from the man who threw up all over your shirt and he gave it to cover cleaning costs.
sure enough when he arrived home he handed his mrs the money and said the tenner was from the man who threw up over him but she said there was two tenners there.
He said, ahh the other tenner is from the guy who shat in my pants.
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1)No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2)There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3)Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4)The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.
Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5)353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft's re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.
Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be valorised within thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17, times greater than gravity.
A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
Mmmm... but remember lads n lasses, when you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas...
:laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove:
well u can forget sants coming to u this year...
i told him how good u was in bed......
and he died laughing.
He laid her on the table, so white & clean & bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her here & there.
He touched her neck & felt her breast, then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet & all was set, he gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...
He looked inside, all was dark & murky.
He rubbed his hands & stretched his arms.
Then STUFFED the xmas TURKEY! ...
May we be one of the first to wish you & your dirty little mind a very MERRY XMAS xx
Jesus went into a boarding house with a box of nails and said put me up for the night.
If athletes get athletes foot, what do rocket scientists get?
Missile-toe!
Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No, you can have turkey like everyone else!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
You obviously raided the crackers.
Told the Mrs she had to earn some extra money for xmas and lined her up with a job at the playboy mansion... She's not a happy bunny!
Socrates was sitting thinking about the meaning of life one day when Santa (here you must allow historical license!) appeared and came running up to him.
"Socrates! Socrates! I've just heard some gossip about your great rival Diogenes"
"Well lets see if what you have to say is worthwhile. Firstly, is your information of any use to you?"
Santa thought for a while then said, "No not really."
"I see ",said Socrates," and then he continued, "secondly, can you be sure of the truth of your information?"
Santa thought again then said, "No, not at all."
"Thus, you have heard gossip that is of no use and cannot be shown to be true. Therefore it is a waste of time so don't bother me with it."
Santa went off crestfallen. This example illustrates a line of Socratic enquiry. It also shows why Socrates never found out about Diogenes shagging his wife.
:giggle: :giggle: :giggle: :giggle:
