After years of having one bin, Nottingham went recycling mad and introduced a system where we had a bin for everything. It took me two weeks trying to find a place to store them, but eventually I had them set up where those that are used less are hidden away and those that are used most are to hand. It was looking good and I was pleased with myself…………time to save the world.
We threw ourselves into it with gusto, and sorted everything out into what bins they should go into. Rinse the tins and bottles before putting in the bin, we soon got used to it. This had been going swimmingly until last weekend.
That weekend we decided to do a garden tidy up. So the garden was weeded, the flowers were dead headed and everything put in the brown garden waste bin. Alex decided that the old bench and chair was past its best so it was disassembled by banging the slats off with a hammer and then unscrewing the body. These were placed next to the waste food bin ready to take to the recycling centre. I warned the kids to stay away from the slats as the nails were sticking up. I took them to the slats and showed nodded and understood that this was a dangerous area and they were to take great care. I looked at them and was proud at how quickly they take things in and listen to their Dad. The next job was to help Alex to pot all her new plants. This took about half an hour and these were all laid out on the patio. A quick build of the new bench and all was looking good. That was the morning done, I made a cuppa and we both sat on our new bench and surveyed our tidy garden. All nice and green and we were being green by helping the environment. I felt smug.
We finished our cuppa and Alex decided she was just nipping over to B&Q to have a nosey. While she was away with the kids she asked if I would just empty the little food bin into the big food bin in the garden while she was out. Not a little bag, tie it up and place in the bin. What could go wrong?
I was dressed in shorts, t-shirt and slippers as it was now my relax time with Alex and kids away for 20 minutes. So I took the food bag out of the kitchen, tied up the bag and went into the garden. Just place this in the bin and I can lounge on the sofa for the rest of the afternoon.
I lent forward, with the bag in my hand, and opened the big food bin. At this point it felt like a heavy weight boxer had just landed an uppercut under my chin. My head flew back in recoil and my nose, mouth, throat and lungs filled quickly with a stench of feck knows what!!!!! My stomach started doing yo-yo’s and couldn’t make its mind up of whether to void my stomach or just leave it in. My eyes started watering and my vision got a bit blurry. I staggered back involuntary and started gasping for air. This is when my slippers slipped off as they do not have backs to them……only proper slip-ons for my heels came into contact with the bloody nails, still attached to the fecking slats that I had warned the kids about not touching or going near to. So a delicate heel coming into contact with an upturned slat with two nails protruding and add 16 stone of bald, fat git results in said nails piercing skin and attaching slat onto the bottom of my foot. At this point I lose my balance and start the downward spiral to the ground. This was as graceful as a duck that had just had a twelve bore pepper it at 50 yards. I was gagging, retching and screaming in pain all at once. The sound that emanated from my mouth was similar to getting a bull elephant and whacking its bollocks with a pair of house bricks. This is where my luck changed. My fall was broken by landing on something soft…………Alexs’ newly potted plants. With my back flop and flailing arms I managed to take out over 80% of the plants in one go, then with my rolling over and trying to get to my feet I managed to step on another 10% of the feckers. I hobbled into the dining room and got the first aid kit out of the cupboard and started to dress my heels. At this point the kids bounded in, with Alex walking in behind. The kids ran outside and quickly came back in and shouted in unison “MUMMMMMMMM, Dads wrecked your plants”. Alex looked at the mess, rolled her eyes and said “I don’t want to know”.
So what was it that started this sorry episode?
Well………one of the cherubs had been asked to put two, out of date, chicken fillets into a food bag and put it in the food bin outside. They didn’t tie the fecking bag so it was loose in the bottom of the bin. Add to this one glorious, hot, fecking week and a closed can guess the build up of that smell. Even mustard gas wouldn’t make you gag as much ffs
So my tip for today is..........don't let the kids put the food bags out.
Dave_Notts
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Dave_Nott's tip for recycling
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Sex God
:giggle: :giggle: :giggle:
It could only happen to you Dave!!
It could only happen to you Dave!!
Warming the Bed
Sex God
oh dave i do so love the way you tell a story so beautifully descriptive always makes me feel ike i'm actually there watching
this one had me in stitches
this one had me in stitches
:worship::worship::worship:Dave I thought you had learnt from my mistake.
http://www.swingingheaven.co.uk/swingers-forum/viewtopic/289467.html
There are no such things as brownie points. If you are going to get the evil death stare from the mother ship for trying to do good, you might as well put your feet up, watch telly and prepare a beer bottle or two for re-cycling.
You'll still be in the same amount of trouble, only you'll have enjoyed your time getting there.
Sex God
I was expecting a map or directions.....so where's this tip then?
Sex God
Are you forgiven yet??
Sex God
Quote by Ian
I was expecting a map or directions
:giggle::giggle::giggle:
Dave wouldn't know a map if it fell out of the sky
Now Ian, thats unfair
Dave would obviously look at it and think 'Ooooo, a map...that could be useful' and wander over to pick it up.....tripping over en route, causing the precariously stacked antique dinner service he was planning on packing away for safety, crashing to the ground which in turn would startle a passing pigeon which would squark and flap around, attracting the attention of the neighbours cat who would lauch itself at the poor bird, using Daves crumpled body as a springboard leaving numerous scratches over his body.
the terrified pigeon would obviously head straight for th open kitchen window (which Dave planned to shut as soon as the dinner service was packed away) leaving feathers and bird shit covering the room as it flaps round trying to escape. the cat, having missed the pigeon with its mistimed leap, would land perfectly in the barbeque that had been lit just a few minutes ago, sending it crashing to the floor in a shower of ash which drifts over the fence covering next doors washing and also setting fire to the map as it falls to the ground, igniting it and causing it to drift towards the shed, setting it on fire.
At this point, Alex would return home with food for the barbeque, just in time to witness the full carnage, shaking her head in disappointment.......
anyone would think i've read about Daves exploits before
Sex God
Quote by meat2pleaseu
I was expecting a map or directions
:giggle::giggle::giggle:
Dave wouldn't know a map if it fell out of the sky
Now Ian, thats unfair
Dave would obviously look at it and think 'Ooooo, a map...that could be useful' and wander over to pick it up.....tripping over en route, causing the precariously stacked antique dinner service he was planning on packing away for safety, crashing to the ground which in turn would startle a passing pigeon which would squark and flap around, attracting the attention of the neighbours cat who would lauch itself at the poor bird, using Daves crumpled body as a springboard leaving numerous scratches over his body.
the terrified pigeon would obviously head straight for th open kitchen window (which Dave planned to shut as soon as the dinner service was packed away) leaving feathers and bird shit covering the room as it flaps round trying to escape. the cat, having missed the pigeon with its mistimed leap, would land perfectly in the barbeque that had been lit just a few minutes ago, sending it crashing to the floor in a shower of ash which drifts over the fence covering next doors washing and also setting fire to the map as it falls to the ground, igniting it and causing it to drift towards the shed, setting it on fire.
At this point, Alex would return home with food for the barbeque, just in time to witness the full carnage, shaking her head in disappointment.......
anyone would think i've read about Daves exploits before
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Quote by meat2pleaseu
I was expecting a map or directions
:giggle::giggle::giggle:
Dave wouldn't know a map if it fell out of the sky
Now Ian, thats unfair
Dave would obviously look at it and think 'Ooooo, a map...that could be useful' and wander over to pick it up.....tripping over en route, causing the precariously stacked antique dinner service he was planning on packing away for safety, crashing to the ground which in turn would startle a passing pigeon which would squark and flap around, attracting the attention of the neighbours cat who would lauch itself at the poor bird, using Daves crumpled body as a springboard leaving numerous scratches over his body.
the terrified pigeon would obviously head straight for th open kitchen window (which Dave planned to shut as soon as the dinner service was packed away) leaving feathers and bird shit covering the room as it flaps round trying to escape. the cat, having missed the pigeon with its mistimed leap, would land perfectly in the barbeque that had been lit just a few minutes ago, sending it crashing to the floor in a shower of ash which drifts over the fence covering next doors washing and also setting fire to the map as it falls to the ground, igniting it and causing it to drift towards the shed, setting it on fire.
At this point, Alex would return home with food for the barbeque, just in time to witness the full carnage, shaking her head in disappointment.......
anyone would think i've read about Daves exploits before
:giggle: :lol: :giggle: :lol: thats perked up my saturday evening
Quote by meat2pleaseu
I was expecting a map or directions
:giggle::giggle::giggle:
Dave wouldn't know a map if it fell out of the sky
Now Ian, thats unfair
Many years ago there was a social, and the plan was to meet at a hotel nearby and everybody then travel in "convoy" to the venue.
Shortly before the arranged time, I took a phone call from Dave Nott's who was totally and utterly lost. Maybe Alex had the map that day
Anyway, I asked Dave to describe where he was so that we could try and work out how to find them.
Dave replied that he hadn't got a clue where he was, but he was next to a massive grey building.
I asked him to cross the road (there were no chickens around) and see if there was anything ontop of said building.
Dave duly crossed the road and said "bugger, there's a 'kin huge sign that says hotel".
Sex God
Quote by Ian
I was expecting a map or directions
:giggle::giggle::giggle:
Dave wouldn't know a map if it fell out of the sky
Now Ian, thats unfair
Many years ago there was a social, and the plan was to meet at a hotel nearby and everybody then travel in "convoy" to the venue.
Shortly before the arranged time, I took a phone call from Dave Nott's who was totally and utterly lost. Maybe Alex had the map that day
Anyway, I asked Dave to describe where he was so that we could try and work out how to find them.
Dave replied that he hadn't got a clue where he was, but he was next to a massive grey building.
I asked him to cross the road (there were no chickens around) and see if there was anything ontop of said building.
Dave duly crossed the road and said "bugger, there's a 'kin huge sign that says hotel".
oh too funny makes me look competant and that does some doing
mental note made that on blue days to dig out all daves posts to brighten my day :haha:
