Ive just left my best friend whos in absolute bits. Theres not a lot i can say to him except hey you will feel better in time and i dont know. All i can do is recount the story he gave me,
About eight months ago he met a smashing woman. They met, and fell in love and started living together almost imeadiately, (she had been sepperated from her husband who had been having an affair,) they really were the perfect couple. or seemed it, after about four months into the relationship his girlfriend was diagnosed with stress and deppression. brought on with family/work/marrige problems which had been bubbleing under the surface for years. However for the last four months hes sat, listened, talked, helped his girlfriend and they thought that she was getting better, after two months off, she returned to work.
Apparently her husband started ringing her up, turning up at work, it seemed as tho every time he approached her that the husband expected a phone call back from her. He demanded a divorce infront of all her work collegues, she didnt ring, then he said a suspected serious illness had reacured. she didnt ring, then the husband started ringing the family, which started causing her more problems, finaly she stated that she " thought" she needed some space from the boyfriend, because it wasnt fair her feeling sorry about the husband although she didnt fancy him in that way. Jim in a vain attempt to snap her out of it said that if she left that would be it. the relationship would be over.
Unfortunatly on Sunday night the husband made another attempt to call her but spoke to jim and lets just say words were said.
She came home from work in the morning, to find that the husband and boyfriend had argued over the phone. The upshot of it all, she left the boyfriend. They didnt argue, he went to work and when he came back she was gone, no letter, no explanation no nothing, and all he asked me is why. and im affraid i dont have any answers, She said that she still loved him but , again i dont know. He wont phone her because he says its obvious she wants space. Hes just in absolute bits.
So if anyone out there can tell me about deppresion do tell because i dont have any of the answers for him.
Thanks for your views,
Hes never lied to me before, far from it.
The facts are as he sees it, he bent over backwards to help her, she told him she loved him, she did say that she needed space and he couldnt understsand it. which yes in hignsight was wrong, and yes he did phone the husband back to basicly tell him to leave her alone which turned into a slanging match, which to be honest i "dont" think was wrong. i think he had every right to give him a mouth full. She didnt leave a note which again i think is wrong and he did try to contact her, but she didnt take his call.
So the way i see it. Is she still feels something for the husband wether it be lust or grief, the illness is life threatening, that is if hes actually got something and not making it up.
or the deppression has compleatly screwed her up and she does need some space. Just to complicate things further she still left some cloths at his house???
Gues ill just listen and learn.
God im glad to be single
The best thing ive found for depression is physical exercise, whicjh of course produces endorphins in the body.
Last time i felt like that i threw myself into getting into as fit as posible, almpst imediatly the dark thoughts lifted and all i could think about was getting another inch of my waist or taking anther few seconds of my running time.
It works a billion times better than drugs
What kazswallows says and a bit of tommi too . . . agree
quick answer:
your friend met her when *she was already depressed*. The time in her life when she became depressed becomes associated with her new lover. This is a tough break but very little he can do about it. He represents the onset of her depression, however unfair.
There might have been a 'make or break' point where he symbolised the knight in shining armour that rescues her, but it didn't happen. The ex-husband holds too many cards. He knows her inside out. Major bad move crossing him.
Right now it will seem like his world that was in his hands has just been passed to another ball player out of sight mid-field. As a (non-romantically-involved) friend you can be there in a supportive capacity. Just let him know you are there to listen if he needs to talk. You don't have to do anything else. You don't have to supply answers - there probably aren't any anyway. But he may remember and treasure a friend who valued him when the person whose opinion he valued more than anyone in the world basically said you're not worth even talking to.
Feel special that he values you to confide in at his darkest moment. He's probably bared his soul. Value that and be there as a listening ear. (If he goes on too long, as he might, just draw a distinction in the conversation - ten mins listening time then "so let me tell you about what I've been doing . . .") Your his friend, not The Samaritans.
This is somthing your friend will need to sort himself, but be there for him where you can. You can't solve this for him, it is somthing he will have to sort out himself, but you can listen. Equally don't drown yourself in this, you need to remain objective, that means there will be times you need to be away from all this.
I found the Samaritons a great help in my time of need. I wish I could offer more help but depression and breakups are such a personal thing there is no simple answer.
She doesn't sound depressed to me at all. Merely filling gaps in an emotional hole. Once that hole was filled she went back to where she feels she belongs. The emotional fallout is what your friend is experiencing. All he needs is time. .... and space.
Same thing happened to me last year. Almost identical situation, although we didn't live together.
I wont go into the details as they'll bore the feck out of you, but we started seeing each other while she was still in a relationship. (and if you feel like commenting on that, make it a pm!)
After he moved out, at her request, he made it his business to emotionally wear her down. Nice one day, mean evil bastard the next. He'd agree to having the kids then just not show up. Then he'd want time with them, but on his terms, at her house, everyweekday night. But he'd sit there watching the TV. She felt like she couldn't say anything about access as she felt bad enough for kicking him out.
The upshot was, that by messing her around, being there when he shouldn't have been, it was very easy for him to weadle his way back in.
I didn't want to say he shouldn't be able to see his kids, but eventually it came to a head where i said what I thought to her. And i looked like a right bastard. He wasn't any longer the idiot she hated and wanted out, but the nice fella who was always there for her....
As you can guess, she went back to him. A year on, it still hurts a bit, but I reckon she was only looking for something different, didn't find what she wanted and went back to what she knew best, a dry and empty, loveless relationship, but one where she knows what is what. As wishmaster says, she was filling an emotional hole.
Your mate will move on, as I have, it'll take time. In that time you can only listen, as a good couple of my mates did. Offer honest advice, even if it isn't what he wants to hear...
Wilkie, sounds as though your mate started the relationship when she was on the rebound from her marriage. Usually a recipe for disaster in my view. Doesn't help to say that now unless it helps him recognise that he oughtn't to have have had such high expectations all along.
Tough message that. It's going to be hard for you to help him out of it.
Ive just called round on my way home from work, hes sat looking at his mobile praying for it to ring or beep, as i walked in, he was looking at the little love notes shed written to him, anyway guys and gals hes coming round to me tonight to watch the game and have a few drinks, i cant really say we will watch much of the game, probably just talk, however he is a big England fan and the irony of the situation is the her husband.... is Irish. ouch.
you could always sign him up to SH, won't have time to stare at his phone cos he'll be laffing at us idiots on here.
as you've probably seen, its the perfect place for good advice and help or just somewhere to escape from the crap of everyday life. im sure he would get a warm welcome.
Sods law.. Ireland 1 England 0 you couldnt write this stuff, the final whistle went, " will you call me a taxi im off" And some of you buggers out there think being a single male is a right pain.
My advice is to just "be there" for your friend, dont offer advice, dont offer practical help, just listen, I know, I have been there and done that.
I was one of the ideots who if someone said they were suffering from depression, would say"pull yourself together", "grow up", "dont be stupid", etc., etc., But when it hit me, I went to pieces, you know its stupid, you know what you are thinking is ideotic, but there is absoloutly nothing you can do about it. But talking to a friend, venting your feelings, is I think the best way of dealing with the subject.
Just one final point, after your freind has puored out his problems, forget them and NEVER mention them again!!!
I hope this advice is of some help.
Can i ask a couple of questions.
1. How long had your mates Girl Friend been split up from her husband before he met her.
In my experience most couples are usually back united within 6 to 9 months.
2. Are there any children involved (in the marrage)
This is one of the main reasons that couples go back together
quote : "Sorry hun but I disagree. He didn't have any right to give the ex a mouthfull. Her previous relationship was nothing to do with him"
I can not agree with you on this, the ex had been f*cking about and was history so he had no rights to keep phoning, just because they were married does not mean he owns her.
Not sure on question 1 hed had the affair, and shed stopped with him for two years to try to make it work, but realized she couldnt trust him. and got out.
Question 2 no children.
and was he right to give him a mouthfull, i agree, they are still married mind, although, he bought her out of the house and she bought a new one with a view on renting it, which was a joint idea by him and her. But he was sticking his 2 peneth in way too much.
However i was talking to another close (down to earth) friend and he said
" Cant see a problem, she knows how happy they were before the depresion, and when she starts to come out the other side she will realize what she had, and should want it back. If not he will know that theres something or someone else involved."
Well, guys, ive looked and read everything youve said, after everything, we go out on a lads night out, tonight, and hey gues what, she turns up with two of her friends, in the same pubs that we go to, sat or stood in the same place that we usually go, and its not usually her night out. i told him to go and have a chat with her." no im giving her space." Sorry with all due respect but i think its bang out of order. didnt say anything but come on she could have sat or stood else where.
Its not him thats depressed, its her, thats why she left him, and yes he is totally upset at the whole situation. but im sorry, and i know i might get a right kicking for this, the facts as i see them are, she wants space, fine, not a problem with that, but she left him without a word, not a note, nothing to say where she was going, and then turns up in the pubs he goes in, in the areas of the pub we as a group, always go. I just think thats not on depressed or not. to me i think he should just put this down to experience and get on with his life and leave her to her depression. and im not being nasty, she didnt look too clever either. but when they spent all that time together and now cant speak about a problem that thier relationship didnt cause. well baffling.
but that's a brilliant idea I reckon!
