I wont be around on Friday so I thought I would cheer everyone up with Fridays Joke a day early.
A 90-year old man went to the doctor's and asked for a sperm count. "It can't be very high, " the doctor said. "There's really no need for it."
But the old man still wanted it all the same. "All right then," the doctor said. She went to her cabinet, got out a small container, and gave it to the man. "Take this jar home, do a little jobby in the jar, and bring it back here."
A week later, the doctor was coming out of her office when she found the old man and his wife sitting in the waiting room. They handed her the jar. "But the jar is empty," she said after looking at it. "I told you that you had to do a little jobby in the jar in order for me to get the sperm count."
"Doc," the man began. "I tried it with my right hand, I tried it with my left hand. My wife tried it with her right hand, and tried it with her left hand. She even tried it with her teeth out.
But that damn lid just wouldn't come off!"
Top Ten Times in History When Using the "F" Word was Appropriate
10. "What the fuck was that?"
-- The Mayor of Hiroshima
9. "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
-- General Custer
8. "Any fucking idiot could understand that."
-- Albert Einstein
7. "It does SO fucking look like her!"
-- Pablo Picasso
6. "How the fuck did you work that out?"
-- Pythagorus
5. "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?"
-- Michaelangelo
4. "I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain."
-- Joan of Arc
3. "Scattered fucking showers...my ass!"
-- Noah
2. "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!"
-- JFK
1. 1. "Aw, c'mon, who the fuck is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.
While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little housekeeping I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of cash.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."
A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses. This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses' ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses.
.....And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse!
A guy is at work and he wants to remind his wife about something, so he rings home. The phone is answered by the little girl and he says 'Hallo darling, it's daddy. Can you go and get mummy please?'
The little girl answers 'Well, she's in bed.. with Uncle Frank.' And the guy says 'hang on.. you don't HAVE an Uncle Frank!' He thinks for a moment and then says 'Darling, I want you to do something for me...go upstairs and tell mummy that daddy is just pulling up into the driveway, and then come and tell me what happens...'
Long pause.... little girl again 'Alright daddy, I did that.' 'And what happened?' 'Well, mummy looked very scared, and jumped out of bed, and she wasn't wearing any clothes! And she tripped up and fell over and banged her head and hasn't moved.' And the guy says 'And what about Uncle Frank?' 'Oh' says the little girl - 'He looked scared as well, and he jumped out of bed, and HE wasn't wearing any clothes either. He jumped out of the window, and I suppose he must have forgotten that you'd emptied the swimming pool to clean it, and he's not moving either... I think he must be dead'
Long pause 'Er... swimming pool? We don't have a swimming pool... er.. is THIS 020 7589......?'
:lol:
