I love this one, I read it when I want a good laugh. Go near the bottom of the viewer screen to scroll down to see the rest. :shock:
Orgasminator
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Funny complaint letters
Orgasminator
*Wonders if SH Towers have any complaints that could top this*
Orgasminator
Here is one to Paypal, we dont get ANY complaints at SH towers 
Paypal complaint letter
FAO Senior Job Bot
First things first if you are on your own then stop reading this letter right now. You should make a circle of ten people around it then hold hands to engage the full power of one whole brain cell. After the brain cell is engaged you can slowly start reading this letter making sure that you stop fully, to work out what every long word means!.
Firstly I need to congratulate the staff at Paypal for being such a bunch of incompetent tossers. But I must apologise for that comment as it’s really down to the recruitment process. Normally Paypals recruitment information says “if you can read this then you are over qualified to work at paypalâ€. But seeing as standards of education have improved even in third world countries somewhat in recent times they now recruit by asking two questions at interview “too thick for a Mc Job? Fancy playing with your testicles all day ?†If the answer is a groan or the interviewee rubs their crotch, or urinates in the corner they are hired. If not, they are told to re apply for a Mc Job after taking a series of IQ boosting pills from a local Rave that were recently made from out of date Horse Tranquiliser.
Needless to say if anyone at Paypal can sort this out I will personally send you half a Big Mac as well as some road kill for being so very very clever, so pay attention now!. In an attempt to ward off any potential futile contact Paypal does its best to hide all lines of communication including contact forms and the Holy Grail of contact the “phone numberâ€!. If you are persistent and spend a whole day on the net surfing instead of working you can however like me be rewarded with these details. Despite Paypal now being added to my friends and family list I get very little satisfaction in being charged to input all kinds of Krypton Factor style data to win a position into the initial two hour queue that you operate. Without my quick thinking and sharp button pressing skills on the phone I get hung up on and have to start all over. Occasionally if you can pass the initial Krypton Factor questions and hold on without needing food, or a toilet break for a very very long time you get to speak to a poorly programmed Android.
This Android commonly known as a “Job Bot†is programmed to see if you can remember the same Krypton factor questions that you had skilfully input all those hours before. When you explain that you have already entered that information and question why they need it again they start to go into a repetitive monotone loop for ages and ages until you give in. If you can’t remember in your weakened and suffering state it is their job to force you to do it all over again from the start after you have had a toilet break. Occasionally as payment for getting this far you get an e-mail survey to complete about that specific “Job Bot†that you have tried so hard to communicate with. If it is negative enough it helps the Job Bot to get promotions?. Another thing the Job Bots do is say “Please hold the line†and then after it gets dark and your wife tells you that the cat has eaten your cold dinner hours later a recorded android says “All lines are now closedâ€.
Some of the “Job Bots†are based in India or Peru or somewhere and you can barely understand them. They use this to there cunning and crafty advantage, repeating the same loop of monotone text until you submit to personal humility and failure. I’m not sure if policy is to route your calls to Job Bots abroad or Just have foreign Job Bots here in an attempt to throw you either way it works. On two lucky occasions the Job Bots have falsely promised to help me in a cunning ploy to make me repeat this all over again! Eventually sick tired and exhausted of playing this game I start to get annoyed at the Job Bots in a futile attempt at resolution and that only leads to more frustration and the monotone loops of text repeating faster and faster!.
About two or so weeks ago I bought an Iphone for my wifes Birthday on Ebay. She opened it and having human traits decided that it was not for her. I said “don’t worry my dear wife I will sell it on ebay and buy you the one you want insteadâ€. She smiled sweetly and pointed out the new phone she wanted, as she calmly stoked a soft Kitten at home. It seemed to be so simple I listed it on ebay, someone did buy it now and sent the money to my new e-mail address. I thought I wonder what I do to get this sent to my Paypal account and I got an e-mail from Paypal “You can receive this in a few simple steps†just click here to accept the money. Oh my God weeks later and whole days and nights of pain still no new phone. My account was barred by a remote senior Job Bot, The person who I was paying for a phone with has had the same treatment and now I don’t know where my money is or what else I can do to get her phone?. Now listen to me you #####, it was meant to be a Birthday Present, Not a f###### Christmas present. I have done everything a man can do. You have wasted loads of my time, Called me at home (another Automated Bot, that was better to talk to than the normal Job Bots), Faxed everything I own, played search the credit card statement, as well as find the happy delivery number etc. Please grant me the wish of once again making my wife happy. I want either my money or my phone this b#### year you a### holes! I can give you no more, only my DNA and a used piece of tissue paper that I have in my pocket for nasal emergencies. I want this thing to end you have everything from me, I have nothing else to give except the last few rays of hope!. Your incompetence so far makes me realise that people who stick pins in their eyes out of despair are the really lucky ones!!!.
Paypal complaint letter
FAO Senior Job Bot
First things first if you are on your own then stop reading this letter right now. You should make a circle of ten people around it then hold hands to engage the full power of one whole brain cell. After the brain cell is engaged you can slowly start reading this letter making sure that you stop fully, to work out what every long word means!.
Firstly I need to congratulate the staff at Paypal for being such a bunch of incompetent tossers. But I must apologise for that comment as it’s really down to the recruitment process. Normally Paypals recruitment information says “if you can read this then you are over qualified to work at paypalâ€. But seeing as standards of education have improved even in third world countries somewhat in recent times they now recruit by asking two questions at interview “too thick for a Mc Job? Fancy playing with your testicles all day ?†If the answer is a groan or the interviewee rubs their crotch, or urinates in the corner they are hired. If not, they are told to re apply for a Mc Job after taking a series of IQ boosting pills from a local Rave that were recently made from out of date Horse Tranquiliser.
Needless to say if anyone at Paypal can sort this out I will personally send you half a Big Mac as well as some road kill for being so very very clever, so pay attention now!. In an attempt to ward off any potential futile contact Paypal does its best to hide all lines of communication including contact forms and the Holy Grail of contact the “phone numberâ€!. If you are persistent and spend a whole day on the net surfing instead of working you can however like me be rewarded with these details. Despite Paypal now being added to my friends and family list I get very little satisfaction in being charged to input all kinds of Krypton Factor style data to win a position into the initial two hour queue that you operate. Without my quick thinking and sharp button pressing skills on the phone I get hung up on and have to start all over. Occasionally if you can pass the initial Krypton Factor questions and hold on without needing food, or a toilet break for a very very long time you get to speak to a poorly programmed Android.
This Android commonly known as a “Job Bot†is programmed to see if you can remember the same Krypton factor questions that you had skilfully input all those hours before. When you explain that you have already entered that information and question why they need it again they start to go into a repetitive monotone loop for ages and ages until you give in. If you can’t remember in your weakened and suffering state it is their job to force you to do it all over again from the start after you have had a toilet break. Occasionally as payment for getting this far you get an e-mail survey to complete about that specific “Job Bot†that you have tried so hard to communicate with. If it is negative enough it helps the Job Bot to get promotions?. Another thing the Job Bots do is say “Please hold the line†and then after it gets dark and your wife tells you that the cat has eaten your cold dinner hours later a recorded android says “All lines are now closedâ€.
Some of the “Job Bots†are based in India or Peru or somewhere and you can barely understand them. They use this to there cunning and crafty advantage, repeating the same loop of monotone text until you submit to personal humility and failure. I’m not sure if policy is to route your calls to Job Bots abroad or Just have foreign Job Bots here in an attempt to throw you either way it works. On two lucky occasions the Job Bots have falsely promised to help me in a cunning ploy to make me repeat this all over again! Eventually sick tired and exhausted of playing this game I start to get annoyed at the Job Bots in a futile attempt at resolution and that only leads to more frustration and the monotone loops of text repeating faster and faster!.
About two or so weeks ago I bought an Iphone for my wifes Birthday on Ebay. She opened it and having human traits decided that it was not for her. I said “don’t worry my dear wife I will sell it on ebay and buy you the one you want insteadâ€. She smiled sweetly and pointed out the new phone she wanted, as she calmly stoked a soft Kitten at home. It seemed to be so simple I listed it on ebay, someone did buy it now and sent the money to my new e-mail address. I thought I wonder what I do to get this sent to my Paypal account and I got an e-mail from Paypal “You can receive this in a few simple steps†just click here to accept the money. Oh my God weeks later and whole days and nights of pain still no new phone. My account was barred by a remote senior Job Bot, The person who I was paying for a phone with has had the same treatment and now I don’t know where my money is or what else I can do to get her phone?. Now listen to me you #####, it was meant to be a Birthday Present, Not a f###### Christmas present. I have done everything a man can do. You have wasted loads of my time, Called me at home (another Automated Bot, that was better to talk to than the normal Job Bots), Faxed everything I own, played search the credit card statement, as well as find the happy delivery number etc. Please grant me the wish of once again making my wife happy. I want either my money or my phone this b#### year you a### holes! I can give you no more, only my DNA and a used piece of tissue paper that I have in my pocket for nasal emergencies. I want this thing to end you have everything from me, I have nothing else to give except the last few rays of hope!. Your incompetence so far makes me realise that people who stick pins in their eyes out of despair are the really lucky ones!!!.
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and read on.
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly to be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly to be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John
