I've posted these on every joke thread except this one... so here goes...............
1) Little girl goes into a barbers and stands next to the chair eating a cake. "You gonna get hair on your muffin" says the barber. "i know," replies the girl, "i'm gonna get tits too!!"
2) Teacher: "john, why is your cat at school today?"
John (crying) "i heard the postman say to my mom.... "when the kid goes to school i'm gonna eat your pussy!"
3) This is particulaly appropriate due to the nature of this site................................
2 couples decide to swap partners. After 3 hours of hot passionate sex,one says, "f**k, that was good, i wonder how the girls are doing?"
4) "Dad, i've just had sex for the first time!"
"Thats great son," says Dad taking 2 beers out of the fridge. "Any questions?"
"Yeah, how long will my ass hurt?"
5) A cannibal is found crying next to a huge pile of poo. "Whats the matter?" a passer by asks. "I've just dumped my girlfriend!!" sniffs the cannibal.
6) I'm at the police station, been done for drink driving. The urine sample was positive so i nicked it. Now theyre doin me for takin the piss!!!!
7) Last night, i lay looking at the stars, the beautiful sky and the horizon, suddenly i thought....................................... WHERE THE F**K IS MY ROOF??????????????
8) A train is about to crash. A virgin strips off and shouts "Can anyone make me feel like a woman before i die?"
So a man takes off his clothes and says "Iron these, love!!"
9) Jesus said to John, "Come forth and I'll give you eternal life." John came 5th and won a toaster.
10) Mary had a little lamb, it ran into a pylon. Ten thousand volts went up its butt and turned its wool to nylon!
11) The Grand old duke of york, he had ten thousand men, and when he had the energy he had them all again!!
12) Little Girl.... "Mummy, i just found out the little boy next door has a penis like a peanut!!"
Mummy......." Why, cos its small?"
Little Girl......"No, its salty!!!"
13) Larry La Prise who wrote the Hokey Cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in..... then the fun started!!!
14) A child walks past parents bedroom and thinks "JEEZ!!!! and they think i need to see a psychologist for sucking my thumb!!"
Something to think about
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I' m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid ! to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
2 of the lads are in the pub on Sat night having a great time . They meet 2 girls and drinlk even more before going back to their flat with them where they do everything in every combination before falling asleep . One of them wakes up naked and cold late on Suinday morning ., and finds everyone else has gone out , the flat is freezing and there is no food in the cupboard , he staggers into the bathroom with a bad hangover and looks at his crumpled unshaven reflection through bloodshot eyes . As he considers this unappetising sight he suddenly notices a piece of string dangling from the side of his mouth , he then realises with a shock that it ends in a little square of cardboard . He spends a minute or so plucking up courage , then grasps it firmly with both hands and then before opening his mouth and pulling he says out loud "Dear God , please let it be a tea bag ."
Bloke walks into Asda. Plops his todger on the counter and says
"Roll that f*cker back"
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your car, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call 0800 875 xxxx and ask for Daisy.
This is an ad from an animal charity. 15000 men found themselves asking for details about an 8 week old black labrador puppy........
Mr. Johnson always had a nasty habit - he had to cut a
huge fart every morning. Mrs. Johnson, being sarcastic
tells Mr. Johnson, "If you keep farting every morning,
you will fart your guts out!" Mr Johnson responded,
"Huh, yeah right."
So Thanksgiving morning, Mrs. Johnson was preparing
the turkey. As she removed the giblets, she had an evil
idea -- so she carried on with it... She went upstairs and
stuffs 's underwear with the Turkey giblets.
Predictably, Mr. Johnson woke up with a fart. As he got
up, he noticed the giblets in his underwear. Scared, he
ran into the bathroom. In the kitchen, Mrs. Johnson
giggled as she heard Mr. Johnson screamed. Finally,
Mr. Johnson came downstairs with a pale white look on
his face.
"Honey, you were right! I ended up farting my guts out
as you predicted!" said Mr. Johnson. He then followed
up, "But with God's grace and these two fingers, I
shoved them back in!!"
Venusxxx
(((ring-g-g-g-g)))
***pick up***
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy" .... "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house & then come back to the phone."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
***more pause****
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? - Is this 764-2357?"
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they have requested an Audience and as they are the Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns any where in the world?"
After consulting with his advisers, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting:
"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!!â€
A Jack Russell and an Alsatian were sitting together waiting to see the vet. The Alsatian says to the terrier, "What are you in for?"
"It's not good! My master was stroking me last night and suddenly I got that feeling I just had to bite something, so I really bit him hard and the miserable sod brought me in to be put down! How about you?"
"Well, last night" replied the Alsatian "my mistress was sitting watching the tv wearing a skimpy nightie thing. She looked so scrummy, I just lept on her and shagged her senseless!"
The terrier looked at him sadly, "So you're being put down too then!"
"Er, no, she brought me in to have my claws clipped"
just a few jokes...
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how do you make a witch pregnant? Fuck her
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Dad,, what's a transvetite?..... ask your Mum dear, he'll tell you!
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What's the difference between a blowjob and a snadwich??
reply: Dunno!!
Fancy a picnic then???
----------------
There was this reporter sent out into the wild west frontier to interview some religious forefathers pioneering their way across the west bringing gods flock into their religious fold... two people in particular were targeted for interview an evangelist preacher and a rabbi...
As the reporter approached their log cabin, the evangelist was stood on the porch... his clothes all torn to shreds...
"what happened to you then?"
"Well last night I thought i would spread the word of the lord to all gods creatures so I wandered out into the widerness and stumbled across a grizzlybear!!!! now I wrestled with that grizzly, I wrestled him thorugh the forest, up the mountain then I wrestled him down th other side of that mountain until we came to a rivers' edge and there I dunked that ol' grizzlies head under the water and I baptised that critter and as soon as the word of the lord crossed his brow, he became as quiet as a mouse!!! then we built ourselves a camp fire and talked the word of the lord all night..!"
Amazed the journalist was shocked to find the only damage sustained was to his clothing which hung in tatters... The journalist stepped into the cabin to speak to the rabbi, he was laid out on the bed in a full body cast from head to toe in bandages..
"what happened to you?" he asked.
"Oi-vey (that's my attempt at jewish accent..sorry) well similar story to my evangelical friend.... teaching the word of the lord to the grizzly was easy.... it was the circumcision where he became a bit nasty!!!"
The England Football Coach, Sven Goran Ericksson is on "Who wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the million pound question.
Chris Tarrant says "Right Sven, this is for one million pounds, and
remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.'
Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Sett ?
Is it...
a) a badger
b) a ferret
c) a mole or
d) a cuckoo?
Sven ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure.
I'll have to go 50-50."
Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left
with.
" Badger" and "Cuckoo" are the two remaining answers.
Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm
still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."
"So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.
Hmmm.. I think I'll call David Beckham."
So Tarrant phones David Beckham.
"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' I've got
Sven Goran Ericksson here, and with your help he could win one million
pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sven's".
"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a
sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"
"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.
"You sure, son?" says Sven.
"Definitely, boss. One hundred per cent. It's a badger. Definitely."
"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.
Final answer.
" Sven," says Chris, "That's the correct answer. You've won One Million
Pounds!!"
Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the hell did you know that a badger lives in a sett?"
Oh... I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock"
God and Bill Gates
"Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this
one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or
hell. After all, you enormously helped society by
putting a computer in almost every home in the world,
and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to
do something I've never done before. I'm going to let
you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well thanks, God. What's the difference
between the two?"
God said, "You take a peek at both places briefly. It
will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"
"Sure" said Bill, "Let's go!"
Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach
with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful
men and women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining
and the temperature was perfect.
"This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't
wait to see heaven."
God replied, "Let's go!" and so off they went to
Heaven.
Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky
with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.
It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.
Bill Gates thought for only a brief moment and
rendered his decision.
"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."
"As you desire," said God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late
billionaire to see how things were going. He found
Bill Gates shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the
hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and
tortured by demons.
" How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.
Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is
awful! This is not what I expected at all! What
happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing
in the water?"
"Oh THAT!" said God. "That was the Screen saver
If you are trapped in a room with a man-eating tiger, a man-eating snake and a man u fan, and are given a gun with 2 bullets which do u shoot?
The Man U fan. Twice!!!
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What's the difference between the man u team bus and an hedge hog?
The hedgehog wears it's pricks on the outside.
-------------------------------------
A helpline has been set up 4 man u fans:
0800 10 10 10 (thats 0800 won nothin, won nothin, won nothin).
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Why do they not sell tea at Old Trafford?
Cos all the mugs are on the pitch and all the cups have gone to highbury!
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Golden balls walks into a sperm bank and asks to make a deposit.
Nurse replies "No problem Mr Beckham, you've been here before so i'll just get your file."
After a while she returns with the file and after consulting it, asks him if he would like a little help from Posh to do the deed.
"No why?" asks Becks.
The nurse replies "Its just that here in your file it says that you are a useless wanker".
-------------------------------------
Apparantly stats say that 96% of scousers have had sex in the showers.
The other 4% have not been to prison.
-------------------------------------
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y' know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
Management Exam
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't read the answers UNTIL you have answered the question!
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students
"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
"Just a minute, I have to go piss.
"That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would you say it?
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table.
And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
:giggle:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: 
BOOM...BOOM