The Giggle Zone is the place to post all your jokes and anecdotes.
This zone will be open 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Feel free to post replies to postings, on a regular basis the zone will be tidied up to leave just a string of jokes to amuse and titillate. It will give the ladies something to look at rather than the cracks on the ceiling.
Join the most popular community of UK swingers now
Login
Giggle Zone
last reply
105 replies
10.4k views
0 watchers
0 likes
Just found the giggle zone so here goes.
George Bush - visiting a School in down town Washington..
"Children ! Who has a question"
Little boy at front "I do Sir"
"OK! Tell us your name and your question"
"My Name is Billie and my question is in three Parts"
1 Why did we wage war on Iraq when the UN didn't want us to.
2 Why are you President when Al Gore got more votes
3 What ever happened to Osama Bin Ladin
Just then the lesson bell sounded and George Said
"OK kids we will continue after break"
After the Break George says
"Now where were we ? Ah yes who has a question ?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Steve."
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have a question Sir and it is in five parts.
1 Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
2 Why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
3 Whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
4 Why did the lesson bell go off 20 minutes early?
5 What happened to Billie?"
George Bush - visiting a School in down town Washington..
"Children ! Who has a question"
Little boy at front "I do Sir"
"OK! Tell us your name and your question"
"My Name is Billie and my question is in three Parts"
1 Why did we wage war on Iraq when the UN didn't want us to.
2 Why are you President when Al Gore got more votes
3 What ever happened to Osama Bin Ladin
Just then the lesson bell sounded and George Said
"OK kids we will continue after break"
After the Break George says
"Now where were we ? Ah yes who has a question ?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Steve."
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have a question Sir and it is in five parts.
1 Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
2 Why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
3 Whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
4 Why did the lesson bell go off 20 minutes early?
5 What happened to Billie?"
Sex God
"It's about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race".
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot. One day Willie Brunsden and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins.
The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house." "My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?" The little girl thought for a moment and said......................................
Scroll down..............
."I think so. Provided those c*nts at Jewson deliver the f*cking bricks."
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot. One day Willie Brunsden and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins.
The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house." "My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?" The little girl thought for a moment and said......................................
Scroll down..............
."I think so. Provided those c*nts at Jewson deliver the f*cking bricks."
Sex God
*The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the boys'.
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way
too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed
for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the
hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized
she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution,
even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in,
and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed
at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our
clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oops,'
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed
another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then farted.'
and one more...........
Yesterday, a friend was travelling on a Paris to London flight.
A dodgy looking man of Arabic appearance got off the plane and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind. She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed him back his bag.
He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of money. He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered"I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to....with a word of advice for you: "Stay away from Watford".
My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" she asked him."No ... ", he whispered back...... "It's a shithole."
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way
too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed
for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the
hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized
she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution,
even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in,
and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed
at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our
clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oops,'
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed
another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then farted.'
and one more...........
Yesterday, a friend was travelling on a Paris to London flight.
A dodgy looking man of Arabic appearance got off the plane and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind. She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed him back his bag.
He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of money. He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered"I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to....with a word of advice for you: "Stay away from Watford".
My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" she asked him."No ... ", he whispered back...... "It's a shithole."
Learn Chinese in 2 minutes...(You MUST read them out loud)
1) That's not right ............................ Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.................Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP.................................. Kum Hia Nao
4) Small Horse ................................. Tai Ni Po Ni
5) Did you go to the beach? .....................Wai Yu So Tan
6) Great .......................................Fa Kin Su Pah
7) I bumped into a coffee table ...........Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift ............Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here .......................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ............Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone .................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week . ............Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight .........................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ................Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive .................Yu Stin Ki Pu
1) That's not right ............................ Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.................Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP.................................. Kum Hia Nao
4) Small Horse ................................. Tai Ni Po Ni
5) Did you go to the beach? .....................Wai Yu So Tan
6) Great .......................................Fa Kin Su Pah
7) I bumped into a coffee table ...........Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift ............Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here .......................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ............Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone .................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week . ............Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight .........................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ................Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive .................Yu Stin Ki Pu
Very proud to be British because...
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of an ice skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet. 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
and finally.........
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
RULE BRITANNIA!!
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of an ice skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet. 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
and finally.........
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
RULE BRITANNIA!!
Snappy Answers
A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, "Do these chickens get any bigger?" He replied, "No , they're dead."
The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said. The lad replied,
"Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket.
A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck?" The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."
THE TEACHER
A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." :grin:
A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, "Do these chickens get any bigger?" He replied, "No , they're dead."
The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said. The lad replied,
"Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket.
A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck?" The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."
THE TEACHER
A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." :grin:
Sex God
LITTLE TONY ON MATH 1
A teacher asks little TONY, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
He replies,
"None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies,
"The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says,
"I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice
cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is
married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the
one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied,
"The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I
like your
thinking."
LITTLE TONY ON MATH 2
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3? I said '6'",
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?"
"What's the f***ing difference?" asks his father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an
example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says,
"Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says,
"No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR 1
Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he
needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to
take a piss!!"
The teacher replied,
"Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word we use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word
'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will
allow
you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but
if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR 2
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the
same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful
in
it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on
Little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called
on
Little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!'"
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after
another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son,
you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you
acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied,
"My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked,
"Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f***ing business.
A teacher asks little TONY, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
He replies,
"None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies,
"The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says,
"I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice
cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is
married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the
one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied,
"The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I
like your
thinking."
LITTLE TONY ON MATH 2
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3? I said '6'",
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?"
"What's the f***ing difference?" asks his father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an
example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says,
"Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says,
"No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR 1
Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he
needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to
take a piss!!"
The teacher replied,
"Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word we use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word
'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will
allow
you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but
if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR 2
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the
same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful
in
it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on
Little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called
on
Little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!'"
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after
another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son,
you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you
acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied,
"My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked,
"Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f***ing business.
Does your company have a problem in recruiting the right person for the right job?
If yes, try out this simple experiment.
Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyse the situation:
If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks, PUT THEM IN CASH
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, PUT THEM IN THE CLEARING DEPT
If they are arranging the bricks in some other order, PUT THEM IN PLANNING
If they are throwing the bricks at each other, PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS
If they are sleeping, PUT THEM IN SECURITY
If they have broken the bricks into pieces, PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY
If they are sitting idle, PUT THEM IN HR
If they have thrown the bricks out of the window, PUT THEM IN THE LOANS SECTIONS
If they are clinging onto the bricks, PUT THEM IN TREASURY
If they are discussing only and not a brick has moved, PUT THEM IN MANAGEMENT
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has moved, PUT THEM IN SALES
If they have already left for the day, PUT THEM IN MARKETING.
If yes, try out this simple experiment.
Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyse the situation:
If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks, PUT THEM IN CASH
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, PUT THEM IN THE CLEARING DEPT
If they are arranging the bricks in some other order, PUT THEM IN PLANNING
If they are throwing the bricks at each other, PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS
If they are sleeping, PUT THEM IN SECURITY
If they have broken the bricks into pieces, PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY
If they are sitting idle, PUT THEM IN HR
If they have thrown the bricks out of the window, PUT THEM IN THE LOANS SECTIONS
If they are clinging onto the bricks, PUT THEM IN TREASURY
If they are discussing only and not a brick has moved, PUT THEM IN MANAGEMENT
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has moved, PUT THEM IN SALES
If they have already left for the day, PUT THEM IN MARKETING.
Pilot Conversations
The following are exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 767. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Aircrew, screaming "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically
"God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGW was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked "Wasn't I married to you once?"
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
Unknown aircraft: "I'm fucking bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we are sure we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and have already notified our caterers"
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange; between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."; The BA747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't stop."
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A PanAm 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich Overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German aeroplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
The following are exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 767. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Aircrew, screaming "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically
"God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGW was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked "Wasn't I married to you once?"
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
Unknown aircraft: "I'm fucking bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we are sure we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and have already notified our caterers"
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange; between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."; The BA747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't stop."
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A PanAm 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich Overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German aeroplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Dear Technical Support, I seem to be having a problem with my system….
Last year I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I have used for years without trouble - apart from the odd blank screen and occasional loss of memory. Apparently, however, there are conflicts between these two systems. The only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off, but to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several of my other applications such as; Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2.2 and Playboy 6.0.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved to be no better; Girlfriend 3.0 has many Bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down for several weeks. Eventually, I tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all my hardware, and forced me to revert to my trusty Palm 5.
Sensing a way out I upgraded to Fiancé 1.0 only to discover to my dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. This uses up all available resources and deletes FreeSpeech 2.1 automatically.
However, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2004. FreeSex Plus can be useful, but is date sensitive, appearing to deny access unless unlocked via the Interflora Hyperlink or GoldCard Unlimited!
To my cost, I have discovered that not only can Wife 1.0 be unstable and costly to maintain, but also that any mistakes I make are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Random Access Memory. This appears to be held on a special area of the hard drive and cannot be deleted. These mistakes then have an annoying habit of re-surfacing years later, usually after BogSeatUp 0.4 has been used three times in succession or LoudFart Exchange has been launched in the local shop!
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter, and automatically runs PhotoSTROP and when I least expect it. No option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving me to try to guess the fault myself.
The system needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop Browser Pro for new attachments, and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week. It has also refused to load my Marbella Mania and Tourguide Extreme games, stating they are illegal operations.
When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Car 1.0, it often crashes, forgets to run Maintenance Wizard or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law , which can't be turned off.
Recently I have been tempted to try Mistress Millennium add-on, but there could be problems. If Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress Millennium, I am told it will automatically load Solicitor for Dummies and delete all MSMoney files before un-installing itself, and becoming a virus.
Last year I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I have used for years without trouble - apart from the odd blank screen and occasional loss of memory. Apparently, however, there are conflicts between these two systems. The only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off, but to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several of my other applications such as; Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2.2 and Playboy 6.0.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved to be no better; Girlfriend 3.0 has many Bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down for several weeks. Eventually, I tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all my hardware, and forced me to revert to my trusty Palm 5.
Sensing a way out I upgraded to Fiancé 1.0 only to discover to my dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. This uses up all available resources and deletes FreeSpeech 2.1 automatically.
However, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2004. FreeSex Plus can be useful, but is date sensitive, appearing to deny access unless unlocked via the Interflora Hyperlink or GoldCard Unlimited!
To my cost, I have discovered that not only can Wife 1.0 be unstable and costly to maintain, but also that any mistakes I make are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Random Access Memory. This appears to be held on a special area of the hard drive and cannot be deleted. These mistakes then have an annoying habit of re-surfacing years later, usually after BogSeatUp 0.4 has been used three times in succession or LoudFart Exchange has been launched in the local shop!
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter, and automatically runs PhotoSTROP and when I least expect it. No option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving me to try to guess the fault myself.
The system needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop Browser Pro for new attachments, and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week. It has also refused to load my Marbella Mania and Tourguide Extreme games, stating they are illegal operations.
When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Car 1.0, it often crashes, forgets to run Maintenance Wizard or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law , which can't be turned off.
Recently I have been tempted to try Mistress Millennium add-on, but there could be problems. If Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress Millennium, I am told it will automatically load Solicitor for Dummies and delete all MSMoney files before un-installing itself, and becoming a virus.
Orgasminator
For all the jokes above..... 
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Now for my own little collection...
(Apologies if I offend anyone 
)
Paddy the electrican was recently sacked from the prision service for refusing to fix the electric chair....He claimed it was a f***ing death trap....
Irelands worst plane disaster struck today when a two seater plane crashed into a cemetery... Irish rescue workers have recovered 828 bodies. Digging continues....
Teacher : John why is your cat at school today???
John (Crying) : I heard the milkman tell mum... "when the kid goes to school I'm going to eat your pussy!"
Gay man goes into a tatooist shop and asks for a car on his dick.... Tatooist asks what kind of car?.. Gay man replies better make it a 4x4 as it goes through lots of shit!
A womans body has been found in a suitcase in the River Thames...... Who says men can pack?? (Think about it......
)
Name the 5 great kings that have bought happiness in peoples lives.....
Answer..... DrinKing, LicKing, SucKing, FucKing and WanKing...
What is a sign of a good blow job???......
When you have to get her to burp your balls back....
Hubby to wife : Let me take a picture of your tits, at least I can look at them when I want to...
Wife to hubby : Let me take a picture of your cock, at least I can get it enlarged!
Thats all folks......
Shireen
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Now for my own little collection...
(Apologies if I offend anyone )Paddy the electrican was recently sacked from the prision service for refusing to fix the electric chair....He claimed it was a f***ing death trap....
Irelands worst plane disaster struck today when a two seater plane crashed into a cemetery... Irish rescue workers have recovered 828 bodies. Digging continues....
Teacher : John why is your cat at school today???
John (Crying) : I heard the milkman tell mum... "when the kid goes to school I'm going to eat your pussy!"
Gay man goes into a tatooist shop and asks for a car on his dick.... Tatooist asks what kind of car?.. Gay man replies better make it a 4x4 as it goes through lots of shit!
A womans body has been found in a suitcase in the River Thames...... Who says men can pack?? (Think about it......
)Name the 5 great kings that have bought happiness in peoples lives.....
Answer..... DrinKing, LicKing, SucKing, FucKing and WanKing...
What is a sign of a good blow job???......
When you have to get her to burp your balls back....
Hubby to wife : Let me take a picture of your tits, at least I can look at them when I want to...
Wife to hubby : Let me take a picture of your cock, at least I can get it enlarged!
Thats all folks......
Shireen
'FUCK'
Our most versatile word - by stress and inflection it can descibe many emotions and sentiments. No other word can be used in such a varied grammatical nuances. It can be used as a nound (I don't give a fuck), as an adjective (it really is a fucking beauty) as a verb in it's transitive form (the game was fucked by the weather) and the intransitive form (he well and truly fucked up). Everyday expressions show it's genuine versatility:
Denial - I'll be fucked if I did.
Perplexity - I know fuck all about it.
Apathy - Who gives a fuck anyway.
Greeting - How the Fuck are you
Goodbye - Fuck off.
Resignation - Oh Fuck it
Derision - He fucks everything up
Vexation - Oh fuckity fuck!
The word has, of course, been used by some very famous personages through the years:
"You would not fucking believe the week I have had!" God
"For fucks sake, for the last fucking time, there are no fucking Indians." - General Custer
"And while I am asleep, try not to hit any fucking icebergs." - Captain of the Titanic.
"You couldn't hit a fucking barn door with that fucking thing!" - Goliath.
"Then who the fuck is my real dad?" Jesus
"Where has everyone fucked off to?" The Last Dinosaur
"Who the fuck will know?" - President Nixon (Later quoted by President Clinton)
"Heads are going to fucking roll for this." - King Louis XVI.
"Any fucker can understand that" - Albert Einstein.
"Fucking cowboy builders." - Mayor of Jericho
"Watch him, he will have some fuckers eye out" - King Harold.
"Of course it fucking looks like her." - Pablo Picasso.
"What the fuck took you so long?" Dr Livingstone
"Fuckity fuck." - Saddam Hussein.
lhk
Kat
Our most versatile word - by stress and inflection it can descibe many emotions and sentiments. No other word can be used in such a varied grammatical nuances. It can be used as a nound (I don't give a fuck), as an adjective (it really is a fucking beauty) as a verb in it's transitive form (the game was fucked by the weather) and the intransitive form (he well and truly fucked up). Everyday expressions show it's genuine versatility:
Denial - I'll be fucked if I did.
Perplexity - I know fuck all about it.
Apathy - Who gives a fuck anyway.
Greeting - How the Fuck are you
Goodbye - Fuck off.
Resignation - Oh Fuck it
Derision - He fucks everything up
Vexation - Oh fuckity fuck!
The word has, of course, been used by some very famous personages through the years:
"You would not fucking believe the week I have had!" God
"For fucks sake, for the last fucking time, there are no fucking Indians." - General Custer
"And while I am asleep, try not to hit any fucking icebergs." - Captain of the Titanic.
"You couldn't hit a fucking barn door with that fucking thing!" - Goliath.
"Then who the fuck is my real dad?" Jesus
"Where has everyone fucked off to?" The Last Dinosaur
"Who the fuck will know?" - President Nixon (Later quoted by President Clinton)
"Heads are going to fucking roll for this." - King Louis XVI.
"Any fucker can understand that" - Albert Einstein.
"Fucking cowboy builders." - Mayor of Jericho
"Watch him, he will have some fuckers eye out" - King Harold.
"Of course it fucking looks like her." - Pablo Picasso.
"What the fuck took you so long?" Dr Livingstone
"Fuckity fuck." - Saddam Hussein.
lhk
Kat
Following on from Lucifers brilliant post showing the wedding dress auction I suddenly remember I had the full Friends Reunited page that caused the site to grind to a halt one day years ago. Before the page was pulled (because it was getting over 100,000 hits an hour!!!) I had the presence of mind to grab it at the time and keep it....
I have posted it in a new thread so as not to Hijack the original thread!
So here you go - one woman's version of revenge!
http://www.swingingheaven.co.uk/humour/clubs/hmmhmm/FR_Message.html
I have to say the reference to chicken is the best one for me!
BTW - As a follow up to this the lady in question had to have her phone number changed because she received so many threatening calls!
Fred
I have posted it in a new thread so as not to Hijack the original thread!
So here you go - one woman's version of revenge!
http://www.swingingheaven.co.uk/humour/clubs/hmmhmm/FR_Message.html
I have to say the reference to chicken is the best one for me!
BTW - As a follow up to this the lady in question had to have her phone number changed because she received so many threatening calls!
Fred
Sex God
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs
him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.
WIFE V/S HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."
STUPID AND BEAUTIFUL
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
The wife responded," Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
COFFEE
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed says...."HEBREWS"
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs
him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.
WIFE V/S HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."
STUPID AND BEAUTIFUL
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
The wife responded," Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
COFFEE
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed says...."HEBREWS"
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" she screams. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed, "Shit, its started..."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" she screams. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed, "Shit, its started..."
Sex God
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went by, the storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy without thinking about it got in the car closes the door just to realize there's nobody behind the wheel. The car starts slowly, the guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way, scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are before a curve. The guy gathering strength gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock goes to a pub and asks for two shots of whisky, and starts telling everybody about the religious experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later two very tired and wet looking guys walked in the pub and one said to the other. "Look john, that's the asshole that got in the car when we were pushing it."
Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy without thinking about it got in the car closes the door just to realize there's nobody behind the wheel. The car starts slowly, the guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way, scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are before a curve. The guy gathering strength gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock goes to a pub and asks for two shots of whisky, and starts telling everybody about the religious experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later two very tired and wet looking guys walked in the pub and one said to the other. "Look john, that's the asshole that got in the car when we were pushing it."
Fred,
I understand what you are saying ... and I suspect you comprehend where I am coming from...
and I suspect you have un stickied because of Mod discusiion...
but you will not stop newbies who have not lurked and learned,
from posting directly into the cafe, and then people responding to those posts...
but you know this tiresome as it is...
My thought is that they will eventually slip down the list... so let them post and ignore them, they will come and go like the tides...
I know some people dislike jokes etc or at least too many jokes etc.... hence the idea for a giggle zone.... but I do seriously suspect that it will not work ... and it will restrict peoples' response to various humourous threads.
Just my thoughts Fred ( et Al) as a newbie who has watched much
Regards
Mirth
I understand what you are saying ... and I suspect you comprehend where I am coming from...
and I suspect you have un stickied because of Mod discusiion...
but you will not stop newbies who have not lurked and learned,
from posting directly into the cafe, and then people responding to those posts...
but you know this tiresome as it is...
My thought is that they will eventually slip down the list... so let them post and ignore them, they will come and go like the tides...
I know some people dislike jokes etc or at least too many jokes etc.... hence the idea for a giggle zone.... but I do seriously suspect that it will not work ... and it will restrict peoples' response to various humourous threads.
Just my thoughts Fred ( et Al) as a newbie who has watched much
Regards
Mirth
Sex God
Hi there folks.
Agree with most of your points Mirth.
Personally I think the Giggle Zone may be rather misguided (Prepared to be shot down in flames by Mods, Regulars etc. but will stick my neck out anyway.)
My wife and I particularly enjoy reading the humour on here but I am afraid Fred you have pretty much killed it dead.
By locking and posting on all existing humour threads you have stopped anyone from replying and encouraging more, also no other newbie is going to post a humour thread to have it stamped on.
As far as posting them direct into the giggle zone - I think that should be for jokes & humour that everyone has enjoyed already to keep them from disappearing.
I think very few newbies or casual posters are going to post something in here and set them selves up for the ridicule of the establishment if everyone thinks it is crap.
I have also noticed that the various "zone" threads really only appeal to regulars (A quick check of the GFZ and Spa Zone showed only a handfull of posters with less than 100 to their name). Having looked at the member registry there are at present 83 members in this category out of over 7000 registered members.
I think confining humour to 1 thread is ill-advised and can only reduce the enjoyment of this Forum by the silent majority. Sorry if many of the Mods and Regulars do not want too much humour on here but many of us enjoy it.
I do enjoy and agree with most things that the regulars post though so do not take this as a critisism of the site which I think is very good.
I will shut up now,
love to everyone,
Roger
Agree with most of your points Mirth.
Personally I think the Giggle Zone may be rather misguided (Prepared to be shot down in flames by Mods, Regulars etc. but will stick my neck out anyway.)
My wife and I particularly enjoy reading the humour on here but I am afraid Fred you have pretty much killed it dead.
By locking and posting on all existing humour threads you have stopped anyone from replying and encouraging more, also no other newbie is going to post a humour thread to have it stamped on.
As far as posting them direct into the giggle zone - I think that should be for jokes & humour that everyone has enjoyed already to keep them from disappearing.
I think very few newbies or casual posters are going to post something in here and set them selves up for the ridicule of the establishment if everyone thinks it is crap.
I have also noticed that the various "zone" threads really only appeal to regulars (A quick check of the GFZ and Spa Zone showed only a handfull of posters with less than 100 to their name). Having looked at the member registry there are at present 83 members in this category out of over 7000 registered members.
I think confining humour to 1 thread is ill-advised and can only reduce the enjoyment of this Forum by the silent majority. Sorry if many of the Mods and Regulars do not want too much humour on here but many of us enjoy it.
I do enjoy and agree with most things that the regulars post though so do not take this as a critisism of the site which I think is very good.
I will shut up now,
love to everyone,
Roger
Sex God
I personally like the giggle zone thread. It holds all of the jokes in one place and lets you remember old ones that otherwise would of been gone and forgotten as time goes by.
I understand the complex issues of not being able to move a posted thread to another and the consequence of not being able to say 'well done, good joke'. So how about a happy medium?
I don't think the mods like having too many stickies as they can take over the first page. So how about a link to a seperate giggle zone in the 'Extra Stuff' menu on the left? (I know this should be asked to Mark as it would be his work).
Hopefully this will encourage posters to post there jokes in the cafe as per usual and after that people can comment on the joke, start laughing, offer advice etc to that joke. One of these advice posts would be to post it into the newly formed giggle zone too.
I know the problem with this would be that a lot of repetition will happen for the mods. Post the joke here, will occur with every joke. The joke thread will not be deleted or locked (to allow feedback) and it will keep the real giggle zone clean for only jokes.
Just my thought.
I understand the complex issues of not being able to move a posted thread to another and the consequence of not being able to say 'well done, good joke'. So how about a happy medium?
I don't think the mods like having too many stickies as they can take over the first page. So how about a link to a seperate giggle zone in the 'Extra Stuff' menu on the left? (I know this should be asked to Mark as it would be his work).
Hopefully this will encourage posters to post there jokes in the cafe as per usual and after that people can comment on the joke, start laughing, offer advice etc to that joke. One of these advice posts would be to post it into the newly formed giggle zone too.
I know the problem with this would be that a lot of repetition will happen for the mods. Post the joke here, will occur with every joke. The joke thread will not be deleted or locked (to allow feedback) and it will keep the real giggle zone clean for only jokes.
Just my thought.
Sex God
Sex God
hey kitkat... look!
i found the giggle zone!
to celebrate i will give u all one of my all time fave jokes............
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."
i found the giggle zone!
to celebrate i will give u all one of my all time fave jokes............
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."
Southampton manager Gordon Strachan...
On Wayne Rooney : Its an incredible rise to stardom, at 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson.
Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?
Strachan: I dont care, I'm Scottish
Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."
Reporter: Is that your best start to a season?
Strachan: Well I've still got a job so it's far better than the Coventry one, that's for sure.
Reporter: Are you getting where you want to be with this team?
Strachan: We're not doing bad. What do you expect us to be like? We were eighth in the league last year, in the cup final and we got into Europe. I don't know where you expect me to get to. Do you expect us to win the Champions League?
Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.
On Augustine Delgado:
Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got yogurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.
Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?
Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there.
Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump of a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah.
Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.
Reporter: where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.
Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.
Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there....
Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity"
On Wayne Rooney : Its an incredible rise to stardom, at 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson.
Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?
Strachan: I dont care, I'm Scottish
Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."
Reporter: Is that your best start to a season?
Strachan: Well I've still got a job so it's far better than the Coventry one, that's for sure.
Reporter: Are you getting where you want to be with this team?
Strachan: We're not doing bad. What do you expect us to be like? We were eighth in the league last year, in the cup final and we got into Europe. I don't know where you expect me to get to. Do you expect us to win the Champions League?
Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.
On Augustine Delgado:
Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got yogurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.
Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?
Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there.
Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump of a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah.
Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.
Reporter: where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.
Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.
Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there....
Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity"
POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS ABOUT WOMEN:
She does not:
GET PMS
She becomes:
HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have:
A KILLER BODY
She is:
TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not:
A BAD COOK
She is:
MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not:
A BAD DRIVER
She is:
AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not a:
PERFECT 10
She is:
NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
She is not:
EASY
She is:
HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not:
HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is:
ATHLETICALLY BIASED
She does not have:
SEXY LIPS
She is:
COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
She does not get:
DRUNK
She is:
ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED
You do not ask her:
TO DANCE
You request a:
PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not:
A GOSSIP
She is a:
VERBAL TERMINATOR
She does not:
WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an:
ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
She does not have:
A GREAT BUTT
She is:
GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
She is not:
HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is:
MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She is not:
COLD OR FRIGID
She is:
THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
She does not:
WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is:
COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She does not have:
GREAT CLEAVAGE
Her breasts are:
CENTRALLY LOCATED
She will never:
GAIN WEIGHT
She will become:
A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She is not:
A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is:
VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She does not:
SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences:
TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
She does not have:
A HARD BODY
She is:
ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE
She does not:
SUN BATHE
She experiences:
SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
Her breast will never:
SAG
They will:
LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
She does not:
SHOP TOO MUCH
She is:
OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
She does not:
CUT YOU OFF
She becomes:
HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
She does not have:
BIG HAIR
She is:
OVERLY AEROSOLED
She does not:
SNORE
She is:
NASALLY REPETITIVE
She does not:
GET DRUNK
She becomes:
VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
She does not have:
BIG HOOTERS
Her:
CUPS RUNNETH OVER
She is not:
TOO SKINNY
She is:
SKELETALLY PROMINENT
She does not:
GET PMS
She becomes:
HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have:
A KILLER BODY
She is:
TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not:
A BAD COOK
She is:
MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not:
A BAD DRIVER
She is:
AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not a:
PERFECT 10
She is:
NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
She is not:
EASY
She is:
HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not:
HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is:
ATHLETICALLY BIASED
She does not have:
SEXY LIPS
She is:
COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
She does not get:
DRUNK
She is:
ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED
You do not ask her:
TO DANCE
You request a:
PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not:
A GOSSIP
She is a:
VERBAL TERMINATOR
She does not:
WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an:
ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
She does not have:
A GREAT BUTT
She is:
GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
She is not:
HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is:
MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She is not:
COLD OR FRIGID
She is:
THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
She does not:
WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is:
COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She does not have:
GREAT CLEAVAGE
Her breasts are:
CENTRALLY LOCATED
She will never:
GAIN WEIGHT
She will become:
A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She is not:
A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is:
VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She does not:
SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences:
TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
She does not have:
A HARD BODY
She is:
ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE
She does not:
SUN BATHE
She experiences:
SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
Her breast will never:
SAG
They will:
LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
She does not:
SHOP TOO MUCH
She is:
OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
She does not:
CUT YOU OFF
She becomes:
HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
She does not have:
BIG HAIR
She is:
OVERLY AEROSOLED
She does not:
SNORE
She is:
NASALLY REPETITIVE
She does not:
GET DRUNK
She becomes:
VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
She does not have:
BIG HOOTERS
Her:
CUPS RUNNETH OVER
She is not:
TOO SKINNY
She is:
SKELETALLY PROMINENT
