what is the difference between an egg and a wank......you can beat an eggThe dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
shitting herself.
Colin and Fergus at the Pleasance
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was
never smacked as a child... Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep
at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I Was
two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw**.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly
Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital? A: The ultrasound
people.
David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon
I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked
like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny
then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school.
Ahmed Ahmed at C34
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said,
"Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but
we're not going to get much done."
Jimmy Carr at the ICC
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind
legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're
enjoying it as well.
Scott Capurro at the Pleasance
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help
thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Jimmy Carr at the ICC
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because
eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And
you murmur to yourself: "Damn, I wasn't listening... self-raising?"
Addy van der Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched
someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr
My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have botox.
The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look shocked.
Shazia Mirza at the Pleasance
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the
obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl
out of Cork...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out
it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join The
circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner
and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian
princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.
Ahmed Ahmed at C34
Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign
that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try... What a
rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus!
Seymour Mace at Royal
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got
one!" Norman Lovett at The Stand
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance
Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious,
but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means
is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
Colin Ramone at The Stand
50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.
Sarah Kendall at the Pleasance
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:
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great jokes
Orgasminator
ha ha ha 
Sex God
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: It all sounded funnier when Chris read them out in an Irish accent
Molly xx
I am a fan of Tommy Cooper...here are some good ones
Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing "The green green grass of home"." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start"
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then"
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say "Aaah"." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are."
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said "It depends where you're calling from."
So I rang up a local building firm, I said "I wanna skip outside my house." He said "I'm not stopping you."
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said "You've been promoted." And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director." And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road."
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me "Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A man gets on a train and sits next to a young woman reading a book called 'Sex Statistics'. "Any good?", he asks. "Fascinating - American Indians have the widest pricks, and Polishmen the longest. By the way, I'm Jane." "Hi," he says. "I'm Tonto Palawlaski."
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
Tommy Cooper was in a taxi and when he got to the end of his journey and paid his fare, the cabby sat there waiting for his tip. Tommy gave him a tea bag and said, "Have a drink on me."
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time." The man replied "I know, I've been ill"
A man walked into the doctor's, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said "Well don't go there any more."
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
You know those mange-tout? They're really nice, but I couldn't eat a whole one.
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed?
I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."
Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing "The green green grass of home"." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start"
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then"
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say "Aaah"." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are."
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said "It depends where you're calling from."
So I rang up a local building firm, I said "I wanna skip outside my house." He said "I'm not stopping you."
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said "You've been promoted." And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director." And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road."
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me "Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A man gets on a train and sits next to a young woman reading a book called 'Sex Statistics'. "Any good?", he asks. "Fascinating - American Indians have the widest pricks, and Polishmen the longest. By the way, I'm Jane." "Hi," he says. "I'm Tonto Palawlaski."
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
Tommy Cooper was in a taxi and when he got to the end of his journey and paid his fare, the cabby sat there waiting for his tip. Tommy gave him a tea bag and said, "Have a drink on me."
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time." The man replied "I know, I've been ill"
A man walked into the doctor's, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said "Well don't go there any more."
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
You know those mange-tout? They're really nice, but I couldn't eat a whole one.
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed?
I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."
Mr and mrs Blobby are in bed and mrs Blobby said blob blurb blob bibble blob blibblob blurb blobblib .......... mr Blobby said just fuckin swallow it................................................Camilla says to the Queen every time i suck Charles's cock i get heartburn ..The Queen says have you tried Andrews.......................................Man goes down on a woman and says " Fuck that stinks" woman says its arthritis, he says "in your cunt?" she says " no in my shoulder,i cant wipe my arse".............. Flowers £25................................Dinner for two £70 ............ movies £15 .............. drinks £50 ........................ but the look on her face when you stick your cock up her arse .......................£priceless. .................A woman is like a pack of cards ...u need a Heart to love her ......... A Diamond to marry her .. A Club to smash her head in . and a Spade to bury the bitch.
Glad you liked them...I am a massive fan...also like your avatar...I can see why you have the title....If you are online somewhere tionioght...please drop me a line on ....would love to chat further and tell you more jokes on MSn...
PS How is Wigan pier....do they still do those wigan pies with mash on top
PS How is Wigan pier....do they still do those wigan pies with mash on top
Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue
needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends,
Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said,
"Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he
brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at
him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said,
"No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?", said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time
we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them
two assholes..."
needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends,
Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said,
"Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he
brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at
him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said,
"No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?", said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time
we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them
two assholes..."
