Help and Advice Needed Part II

6 Jul 2006

Following Blokes recent conversion to straight(ish)ness, and Meatys desperate attempts to get into my knickers, i've decided to become a man for the week.
Now i do know a rather impressinve amount of men :grin: but being a girl until now i've had very little contact with the inhabitents of planet macho innocent

So, what do i need to do to convert, are 'geezers' (i believe thats the correct phrase dunno

) just extreme boys?
Do i need to lose my hair and grow a beard/goatie to compensate? (ok, i aint got much of a bald spot yet but my pants are good for another 3 days yet!)
Can i get a part on Top Gear? (Mmmmm, cars)
And which is the best 'fashionable' album to get?.
I'm soooooooo confused, this macho lark ain't as easy as it looks (being a girl i'm more used to the washing, thinking before I speak and listening to whats actually being said)
So, any ideas and suggestions to turn me into a macho geezer?
Please help a poor, confused ex lady release his inner man!
biggrin

6 Jul 2006

Geez I thought men would be queing up to give me the inside track on how to be more 'blokey!
cool

6 Jul 2006

You must remember to greet fellow males with the word "Mate".
This (has anyone else noticed?) reinforces the males heterosexuality, and is seen most in macho environments.
Do not give any thought to what "to mate" actually means.......real men dont! :shock:
And never......EVER.......put the loo seat down! rolleyes

6 Jul 2006

bloody plagurist poke

best start with th basics
loudly and laugh proudly
2. belch louder and follow it with something like 'mmmmm, nearly as tasty as when it went in'
3. scratch your crotch at least once every 5 minutes
4. remember, every woman finds you irresistable, the ones that don't should be informed that they ae ugly bitches and you didn't fancy them anyway
5. if you can't find your way somewhere then the map is wrong
6. you must buy it, if it's a gadget
7. it's really bad to shag your mates girlfriend, you should wait at least 10 minutes after they split up to 'slip her a length'
8. shandy is 'for poofs'
9. if you can't shag it, drink it, drive it fast or use it for hitting someone it's useless (unless it's a manly sport based thing
10. a tru man can communicate with others mearly by grunting.
learn these and we might consider teaching you stage 2
(right, i'm going back into lezzie mode now)

6 Jul 2006

:giggle:
WinchWench thanks for that I will call all blokes mate or matey then I'm sure the will be convinced of my masculinity!
smile

--------------
Meaty (new lesbo name needed I think!)
Plagiarism my arse! I thought you would be flattered mate *burp* that this lezzie loved your masterpiece so much I wanted it for meself! *fart*
Thanks for the tips... I am practicing as we speak!
kiss

6 Jul 2006

oh it's dead easy kiss_me, honest.
all you have to do is adapt your walking style. just lean back a bit as you walk, and imagine you're carrying a roll of carpet under each arm! you'll get the macho strut down easy that way. that's what i do anyways, and i'm the epitome of macho manliness, oh yes i am! ((( stop laffin' at the back! mad

)))
course, this has the effect of thrusting your chest forward, so to truly carry off the geezer thing, you might need to bandage a couple of things down! :P
HTH?
neil x x x ;)

6 Jul 2006

Quote by neilinleeds
oh it's dead easy kiss_me, honest.
all you have to do is adapt your walking style. just lean back a bit as you walk, and imagine you're carrying a roll of carpet under each arm! you'll get the macho strut down easy that way. that's what i do anyways, and i'm the epitome of macho manliness, oh yes i am! ((( stop laffin' at the back! )))
course, this has the effect of thrusting your chest forward, so to truly carry off the geezer thing, you might need to bandage a couple of things down! :P
HTH?
neil x x x ;)

Thanks Neil mate,
I'm just off home so I'm gonna try that walk thingy now. I think I'll put something down the front of my trousers too like a wad of tissue and see if anyone notices!
See you all later - has been fun as usual!
:thumbup:

6 Jul 2006

Why not Start a Fight with a Random Stranger on the Street?
Perhaps after Leering Boorishly at his Female companion...
Maybe you should have a Manly Wrestle with a 'Mate' (Remember to repeat in your head 'This isn't Gay, This Isn't Gay even as your pressed together, panting into each other mouths)
You could try fixing a car by Wiggling wires and hitting things with a screwdriver. Or perhaps assembling something without looking at the instructions...
Remember Women to the Macho Type are a series of Holes. They are there to be inserted into.. If they make a noise, it is either a come on.. Or Women-Talk, which is best ignored...
Remember Feelings are for Girls.. And Gays...
I reckon that's enough Lessons for Now...
I'm off to start a fight with a stranger.
(Oh and MAcho Types, DO NOT listen to recent Music... If they haven't heard it in the pub, they are not interested)

6 Jul 2006

Drive properly rolleyes

6 Jul 2006

Quote by sussexguy
Drive properly

No, no, no
you need a very small car - attach peices of plastic to the outside (the heavier the better - it makes the car go faster).
The most powerful thing about it is the stereo and the stink of the aftershave wafting out the tinted windows.
You have to rev at any given opportunity, try and beat everyone at the lights (even the local milkfloat).
Ignore all road signs - they're for wimps (especially one way and give way signs)
Supermarket carparks are there for you to wheel spin in - ignore all pedestrians whilst doing this.
That should do you for starters.
H.x

6 Jul 2006

Quote by meat2pleaseu
best start with th basics
loudly and laugh proudly
2. belch louder and follow it with something like 'mmmmm, nearly as tasty as when it went in'
3. scratch your crotch at least once every 5 minutes
4. remember, every woman finds you irresistable, the ones that don't should be informed that they ae ugly bitches and you didn't fancy them anyway
5. if you can't find your way somewhere then the map is wrong
6. you must buy it, if it's a gadget
7. it's really bad to shag your mates girlfriend, you should wait at least 10 minutes after they split up to 'slip her a length'
8. shandy is 'for poofs'
9. if you can't shag it, drink it, drive it fast or use it for hitting someone it's useless (unless it's a manly sport based thing
10. a tru man can communicate with others mearly by grunting.

'kin ell Meaty.......you actually MET my ex hubby? :shock:
Remember:
Yes you DO own the road
Fruit is for poofs and girlies
It's ok to be scared of the dentist, you just don't own up to it
Mouthwash? Wtf is THAT?
It's ok to pee over the bathroom carpet, it'll absorb it by the morning
Cuddling is not obligatory and rather unnecessary
All women are there to be shagged, whether they like you or not

6 Jul 2006

God it's great not to be a 'real' man! smile

6 Jul 2006

I wish you luck, my favourite PTH . . . .
because going by these examples; I'm well and truly fucked in the "real man" stakes redface

Quote by meat2pleaseu
bloody plagurist
best start with th basics
loudly and laugh proudly
2. belch louder and follow it with something like 'mmmmm, nearly as tasty as when it went in'
3. scratch your crotch at least once every 5 minutes

Quote by Spengler
Why not Start a Fight with a Random Stranger on the Street?
Perhaps after Leering Boorishly at his Female companion...
Remember Feelings are for Girls.. And Gays...

Quote by Sassy-Seren
Fruit is for poofs and girlies
Cuddling is not obligatory and rather unnecessary

7 Jul 2006

Hehehehe thanks folks! I know I stole this off Meaty but it has been good fun! Well maybe I should give this lark up as I'm only 5'3" and I can't quite hide my boobs so I'll never be that convincning! :P
Also I don't think my gf would be very impressed! lol

Maybe I'll just save it as an alter-eho for SH Towers!

7 Jul 2006

I found this and thought it might help lol

Manisms
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.
Shaz x

7 Jul 2006

:laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove:
That is great - I'm going to email it to my friends!
:thumbup:

7 Jul 2006

That's Aces Shaz...
Reckon it just about Sums it all up!

7 Jul 2006

The trendy thing for blokes today is to be bi-curious, need any help exploring your bi side? :twisted: