After reading Dave notts" holiday joy" post last week it reminded me of our little holiday from hell ! !
All this is true, i swear!
I lay awake one night, thinking how I could give Horny-Red a romantic weekend. It then struck me, a three night break on a ship, cruising around the fiords of Scandinavia. The crisp, cold nights, holding her in my arms and smelling her hair as we sail through the night. The sight of Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet flashed through my mind……..then I thought……hang fecker sank. I tried to think of another romantic film that involved ships…..but only came up with the “Battle of the River Plateâ€â€¦..so I gave up.
The day arrived and we boarded the ship at Hull. Very nice we thought. The ship was decked out with everything we could wish for. Nothing could go wrong and we settled down to be spoilt by the ship’s crew. We were as happy as pigs in shit.
On the first evening we reached the coast of Scandinavia. I say Scandinavia as I didn’t know which coast we were off……either Denmark, Norway or Sweden. We stopped at a port in the evening. It was about 10 o’clock at night and I thought
“I wonder why we are stopping here?â€
Horny-Red knew why we had stopped “It’s a late night shopping trip?â€
A late night shopping trip? At 10 o’clock at night? “Are you sure Darling†I said.
“Dino……trust me. A woman knows these thingsâ€
So I trusted her. This was my first mistake. We headed for the whatever the nautical term is. We reached it and joined the throng of people waiting to depart. At this point, I noticed that our attire of t-shirt and trousers, for me, and short skirt and top for Horny-Red did not match the rest of the passengers. They were wearing big parkas and fluffy boots. They looked like they were heading out for an expedition with Captain Scott. The only thing missing was the dogs and sleds. I pointed this out to Horny-Red. “Don’t be a wuss†she said. So off we went, down the gang-plank, dressed to go to the Caribbean but heading off into a Scandinavian village at 10:15 at night with the temperature plummeting faster than a prostitutes knickers.
We followed the crowd for about 15 minutes, with us two bringing up the rear and starting to shiver. At this point, we reached a street with loads of houses either side. The crowd started to break go into the houses. This took about two minutes until we were left alone in the street. I turned to Hory-Red and said “I thought you said they were going shopping?â€
“How should I have known†she replied. It now dawned on us that we had just followed the crew to their homes. So she looked at me, smiled and said “We had better get back to the boat you I knew it; I was to get the blame. We set off at fast pace, one-to get back to the ship and two-so we didn’t freeze.
We reached the dock to see………………………..feck all. Pitch black and no boat. I turned to H-R and said “There is no boatâ€. She replied “No shit Sherlock. Even a blind man would notice 20,000 ton of metal missingâ€. I started to feel that she thought this was my idea.
In desperation we started to head back into town. The cold had started to take its toll. We were both chattering and shivering. I was thinking what we should do. I didnt know what country we were in, where our ship was or was heading or even the ships name ! One possibility was to knock on the door of a house. But salvation came into view…..a clapped out Volvo with some guy in it. I jumped into the middle of the road and waved my hands. Did you know that snow, ice and cars travelling at 30 mph do not equate to a small stopping distance. He came to a side spinning stop, and jumped out screaming in a language I couldn’t quite work out. So I said what any other Englishman says when abroad, “Sorryâ€. At this he looks at me a bit differently, and notices that we have barely any clothes on and H-Rs tears, that had started running down her face because of the cold, have now turned to icicles. He approached me and started to ask me what was up. I explained as best I could and his face crumpled up and he nearly fell over with laughter. H-R did not think it was funny.
He asked “Where are you heading to?â€
“I do not know†I replied.
“Do you know where you are?â€
“I have no idea†I said.
“Do you know what the name of the ship is?â€
“Ermm I think it had Viking somewhere in the nameâ€.
At this, his face lit up and he said come with me. We both jumped in and headed off in a flurry of snow. We raced across the snow and ice roads at a speed that Jenson Button would be proud of. H-R did not like this part. I could tell by the way her eyes were shut tightly. We finally arrived at the next fiord where there was another port. We got out and the Volvo man took us to a hover-craft. He took us on board and introduced us to the captain. Volvo man explained to the captain what had happened. Once again, Volvo man and the captain pissed themselves laughing. H-R was like Queen Victoria, she was not amused. The captain got on the radio and started contacting the local shipping. After 5 minutes he managed to find our ship. We said farewell to Volvo man and we set off.
Shooting across the sea in a hovercraft is supposed to be an exhilarating experience. It was a pity it was nothing like that. We went up and down, then up and down, then our stomachs went up and down and queasiness set in. It took all our ability to keep our stomachs on the inside. I then noticed a sign behind the captain. It said that the trip cost £150. My arse fell out. I turned to H-R and told her what I had seen. She was took two seconds of composure and then the floodgates opened. This just couldn’t get any worse. An hour later we arrived at a dock in another part of Scandinavia. I turned to the captain and explained that we did not have that much money on us. If he came back to the ship we could give him the money. He smiled and said he has never had such a laugh in his life and could not take the money off us. He bid us farewell and we left.
We walked down the dock looking for our ship. We see it at the end……but the crew have just unhooked the ropes and it is pulling away.
“Noooooooooooooooooooooooo†I scream as I run down the dock with H-R trying as best as she could to keep up. I reach the end of the dock a completely broken man. Kneeling on the ground I see the ship slowly moving away. A dock worker comes up and asks “What is the matter?â€
I said “That is our ship and it is goingâ€.
“It is ok,†he said. “They are just moving it to allow other ships to dockâ€.
“Oh thank feck for thatâ€, I shouted.
H-R and I managed to get on board. We went to our cabin and collapsed. What a fecking night!!!
H-R wouldn’t let us go on any excursions over the next couple of days. She said “We don’t want to be stranded again after the last time you took us ashoreâ€. I knew I would get the blame
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Holiday joy part 3.
Sex God
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: The thought of you both running around somewhere in Scandinavia, HornyR all short skirt and goose bumps, well.......................................
:lol: :lol: :twisted: :twisted: ES
:wink: 
Sex God
Quote by EagerSlut
The thought of you both running around somewhere in Scandinavia, HornyR all short skirt and goose bumps, well.......................................
ES
Eager come here bend over NOW
:jagsatwork: :eeek: No laughing at hornyred, especially you
Punishment it is 
Sex God
Quote by HornyRed
The thought of you both running around somewhere in Scandinavia, HornyR all short skirt and goose bumps, well.......................................
ES
Eager come here bend over NOW
:jagsatwork: :eeek: No laughing at hornyred, especially you
Punishment it is Oooooooooooooooooooh! :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:
I'm Just in the mood for a good spanking. :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
Must be all the sun I've had today.
Gotta catch me first though :wink: :wink:
:rascal:
Sex God
Quote by EagerSlut
The thought of you both running around somewhere in Scandinavia, HornyR all short skirt and goose bumps, well.......................................
ES
Eager come here bend over NOW
:jagsatwork: :eeek: No laughing at hornyred, especially you
Punishment it is Oooooooooooooooooooh! :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:
I'm Just in the mood for a good spanking. :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
Must be all the sun I've had today.
Gotta catch me first though :wink: :wink:
:rascal:
Eager you are ignoring me and kitty, and actually enjoying it. :smackbottom:
This is bad, kill the thongs :jagsatwork:
Sex God
Quote by Dave__Notts
Abso-bloody-lutely brilliant. I couldn't have written anything to match that
I believe that we should not go on a holiday together as a foursome Dino.......we would never make it back alive.
Dave_Notts
It would be a dangerous 4 some, :eeek: :eeek:
A good challenge tho :rascal: :rascal:
:bolt: Quote by HornyRed
Abso-bloody-lutely brilliant. I couldn't have written anything to match that
I believe that we should not go on a holiday together as a foursome Dino.......we would never make it back alive.
Dave_Notts
It would be a dangerous 4 some, :eeek: :eeek:
A good challenge tho :rascal: :rascal:
:bolt:Dangerous??????????
It would be positively suicidal :shock: :shock: :shock:
There would be no insurance company that would insure us........I phoned up Lloyds underwriters and they said, I quote:
"We, as a company, would prefer to insure a diver, dressed in a black wet suit, on a surf board, with half a cow each end of the board in Great White infested waters than insure you four".
Dave_Notts
Quote by Sgt Bilko
What a gem!! That's really cheered me up! :thumbup: :thumbup:
Feck me..............the sarge has laughed :shock: :shock: :shock:
Dawn_Mids.......you owe me the 2 goldfish bet.......he has got a sense of humour
Dave_Notts
Quote by Dave__Notts
What a gem!! That's really cheered me up! :thumbup: :thumbup:
Feck me..............the sarge has laughed :shock: :shock: :shock:
Dawn_Mids.......you owe me the 2 goldfish bet.......he has got a sense of humour
Dave_Notts
:x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x Quote by Sgt Bilko
What a gem!! That's really cheered me up! :thumbup: :thumbup:
Feck me..............the sarge has laughed :shock: :shock: :shock:
Dawn_Mids.......you owe me the 2 goldfish bet.......he has got a sense of humour
Dave_Notts
:x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x :xSh1t.................back down to zero..............knew I shouldn't have gone double or quits :cry:
Dave_Notts
Sex God
:thumbup: i kept expecting steve martin to appear in the middle of the story, priceless.
Sexpert
have to say best story ive heard in ages , but ill keep my laughting aimed at dino ... dont want H-R angry at me :P
"
matt "i may be pissed but i aint that pissed"
"
matt "i may be pissed but i aint that pissed"
Sex God
have to say best story ive heard in ages , but ill keep my laughting aimed at dino ... dont want H-R angry at me :P
Wot! u scared of lil ol hornyred?
just type quickly and she's a pushover
Wot! u scared of lil ol hornyred?
just type quickly and she's a pushover
Sexpert
Quote by meat2pleaseu
have to say best story ive heard in ages , but ill keep my laughting aimed at dino ... dont want H-R angry at me :P
Wot! u scared of lil ol hornyred?
just type quickly and she's a pushover
not scared .. but if i piss hornyred off, crystal would shoot me coz crystal fancies her ;)
matt
Sex God
Quote by meat2pleaseu
have to say best story ive heard in ages , but ill keep my laughting aimed at dino ... dont want H-R angry at me :P
Wot! u scared of lil ol hornyred?
just type quickly and she's a pushover
Get off my thread NOW
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: 
Sex God
Thats a classic Dino :lol2: :lol2:
Where were all those hunky scanidnaivan men ........... :twisted: Surely they would have assisted with Horny red...and kept her warm ! :shock:
Where were all those hunky scanidnaivan men ........... :twisted: Surely they would have assisted with Horny red...and kept her warm ! :shock:
:? :?