Me and my partner are just starting out on this site. We would like to try and have the full experience with another couple or single person. We have had long discussions around it.
The questions we would like to ask are:
If you tried it, and it wasn't for you, did your relationship suffer for it? Did feelings of jealousy and anger eat away at you if you found it was far too much emotionally for you to see your partner with another person?
What if one person loves it, and the other doesn't. Has anyone found this? Where do you go to from there?
How does it fit in to a 'normal' lifestyle? We work, me in a professional role, we have children and are planning to add to our family at some point. We get very little time alone right now, so we would really have to make a big effort to do this. And it wouldn't be something we can do often. I worry about feeling like I've made a massive mistake in taking part in this. Although I don't think I will, it's the what if's that are bothering me!
It is me (the woman) who has instigated this, and joined the site with my partners full knowledge. You could say I'm the driving force. He wouldn't have done this without me suggesting it. However now we have started, he is definitely keen and happy with the idea.
The reasons we want to do this are to further the enjoyment we already have sexually together. I want it to bring us even closer, but fear it could drive us apart. I love him dearly, and do not want to do anything to put our relationship in danger.
I guess everyone has a wobble the first time they try this? Can anyone help me work through my feelings here?
Thanks!
J&M
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Sex God
Quote by Maximoos
Me and my partner are just starting out on this site. We would like to try and have the full experience with another couple or single person. We have had long discussions around it.
I'm a single man, and the last person who should be offering relationship advice. But I've been here a while, and kept my eyes open, so while we're waiting for someone who actually knows what they're talking about to come along...
Start with a strong relationship. Have lots of reasons why the two of you are together. You'll be seeing your partner doing things with other people that they normally only do with you. Things that our society, with its rather confused attitude to sex, associates with love. Be clear what you want from swinging, and remember that afterwards you'll return to each other for all the other good stuff. And with any luck, even better sex.
A good relationship needs trust. Swinging is a good demonstration of that trust. If the trust isn't really there, maybe that needs to be worked on first. If it is, you have nothing to worry about. Obviously I don't know you - you're the ones who need to work out where you are.
Before you meet anyone, talk to each other and establish boundaries that you are both comfortable with. Don't step past them. You can keep those boundaries conservative at first, if you're nervous, then expand them as you get comfortable. Talk to the people you're meeting, and let them know too. Anyone I'd consider worth meeting will understand first-time nerves, and respect your boundaries.
It's likely that one person's idea of what's acceptable will include more than the other's. This person might have to hold back a little, because their partner is more important than any one meet.
After meeting, talk about it again. What bits were good, and you need more of as soon as possible, and what bits should you change next time? If either of you is uncertain, back off until you understand why and know what you should do about it. If both of you are saying "that was great, and I wish we could have gone further", it's time to adjust those boundaries.
What if one person loves it, and the other doesn't. Has anyone found this? Where do you go to from there?
If that happens, I'd say 'stop'. If it's a relationship worth keeping, it's going to offer more than you'd lose by not swinging. Never forget the other good things you have. Revisit your boundaries - maybe you'd both be happy with just one of you swinging, if it came to it. At worst, there's a lot more to life than just sex.
There are plenty of people here who are proof that it can and does work. Good luck, and enjoy it!
sound advice - said everything i would have said but im not half as eloquent
Casanova
Some great advice from DJohn... And I would totally echo the sentiment - you're ripping up the rule book, so now you have to make your own rules - he even told you how 
The mere fact that you are looking out for this, mentally preparing beforehand, is a good indicator that you're less likely to suffer unnecessary damage. Also, it sounds like communication between you is open and considerate, that's one big advantage. Every couple's dynamic is different so there are different strategies couples use to make sense of and handle their mixed emotions. Rules are popular with couples for this reason - from the "soft play only", to the "never kiss others", to the "only meet once", to the "same room always", to the opposite "separate room always" - basically whatever works! You just have to find out what works for you, right now, then keep updating.
Personally I have not had the *privilege* of watching any of my partners with someone else. Amael is the only one of my partners that has watched me with others, and I must say that each encounter has had a different effect on him (I don't want to go into too much detail for fear of boring the forum, but feel free to inbox me if you wanna drill this).
What I *would* like to say is that often "jealousy" is a wildcard label we put on a bundle of completely different emotions, simply because we don't have a better name for and haven't learnt to distinguish between. The same with "anger", a blanket reaction to express feelings we can't easily put into words. At the base of these, there's only insecurity and fear. Insecurities and fears may have nothing to do with our current partner or the relationship we're in - most often they're deeply rooted and not easily accessed with logic, that's why we're governed by them. You need to learn to distinguish between your own true apprehension, and the "interference" of what you've been taught to believe is right - the first one you need to listen to, the second you need to deprogram yourself from.
On more practical issues:
* If one partner loves it, the other doesn't - next time the partner that didn't gets to pick new playmate :mrgreen:
* Everyone has busy lives, time is one of the biggest commodities here. It's pretty common for people to take a break at times of transition (moving houses, changing jobs, pregnancies etc), and in general people dip in and out depending on life obligations, free time and energy levels. If you want it enough, you'll put it on your schedule, it's as simple as that. You can put in as much or as little time into this as you have to put in. Many couples meet or go to clubs once or twice a year, no more, and that's enough for them. And many parents often drop out during school breaks. It's not like you'll be kicked out of swingers' society if you aren't active enough!
* If you feel you've made a massive mistake, you'll pack it up and move on with your life together. I'm sure you've made other such "massive mistakes" that were actually more like "it seemed like a good idea at the time" - that's all it is, experimentation. The *usual* worst case scenario is that you'll have a weird&cool story to laugh about - the catch being that you'll only be able to share this with your partner, or with other swingers :P Just don't forget the condoms.
The mere fact that you are looking out for this, mentally preparing beforehand, is a good indicator that you're less likely to suffer unnecessary damage. Also, it sounds like communication between you is open and considerate, that's one big advantage. Every couple's dynamic is different so there are different strategies couples use to make sense of and handle their mixed emotions. Rules are popular with couples for this reason - from the "soft play only", to the "never kiss others", to the "only meet once", to the "same room always", to the opposite "separate room always" - basically whatever works! You just have to find out what works for you, right now, then keep updating.Personally I have not had the *privilege* of watching any of my partners with someone else. Amael is the only one of my partners that has watched me with others, and I must say that each encounter has had a different effect on him (I don't want to go into too much detail for fear of boring the forum, but feel free to inbox me if you wanna drill this).
What I *would* like to say is that often "jealousy" is a wildcard label we put on a bundle of completely different emotions, simply because we don't have a better name for and haven't learnt to distinguish between. The same with "anger", a blanket reaction to express feelings we can't easily put into words. At the base of these, there's only insecurity and fear. Insecurities and fears may have nothing to do with our current partner or the relationship we're in - most often they're deeply rooted and not easily accessed with logic, that's why we're governed by them. You need to learn to distinguish between your own true apprehension, and the "interference" of what you've been taught to believe is right - the first one you need to listen to, the second you need to deprogram yourself from.
On more practical issues:
* If one partner loves it, the other doesn't - next time the partner that didn't gets to pick new playmate :mrgreen:
* Everyone has busy lives, time is one of the biggest commodities here. It's pretty common for people to take a break at times of transition (moving houses, changing jobs, pregnancies etc), and in general people dip in and out depending on life obligations, free time and energy levels. If you want it enough, you'll put it on your schedule, it's as simple as that. You can put in as much or as little time into this as you have to put in. Many couples meet or go to clubs once or twice a year, no more, and that's enough for them. And many parents often drop out during school breaks. It's not like you'll be kicked out of swingers' society if you aren't active enough!
* If you feel you've made a massive mistake, you'll pack it up and move on with your life together. I'm sure you've made other such "massive mistakes" that were actually more like "it seemed like a good idea at the time" - that's all it is, experimentation. The *usual* worst case scenario is that you'll have a weird&cool story to laugh about - the catch being that you'll only be able to share this with your partner, or with other swingers :P Just don't forget the condoms.
Casanova
Oh yeah and :welcome:
Don't go for the newbies! Go for the experienced - if you can find one that isn't too scary
Don't go for the newbies! Go for the experienced - if you can find one that isn't too scary
