How important is sex in a relationship...

8 Jun 2009

Sorry... bit of a deep one, you might need a cuppa! wink

I've been pondering this one for a while and since we're on the topic of people being here without their partner's knowledge I thought now would be a good time to bring this up. :mrgreen:
A couple of friends (neither of whom frequent here), both male and both in relationships, have made it clear that they're not satisfied with the sexual side of things yet they both say that they love their partners and don't want to end the relationships. Now I don't know if I put too much emphasis on the sexual side of things but I don't think I could stay with someone who didn't float my boat in the bedroom. Whilst I understand that for many it's not the main box to be ticked but for me it's a pretty big box.
I know that they both look for sex outwith their relationships and I've spoken to one in depth about it and he said that he loves his girlfriend and is planning to ask her to marry him this year. He's been with her for five years and she ticks all his boxes, apart from one. At that point I asked if it was because he was a deviant in the bedroom and she wasn't and indeed that's exactly the problem. It has been an issue from day one but he liked her so just put it to one side. But now he's said that he doesn't want to find himself on his deathbed thinking "I wish I'd had more sex" and regretting the fact that he didn't.
He also said that after being with someone else, the sex with his partner is better. Since I've hung out here I've heard from a few couples who play separately that after a meet the sex between them is exciting and they discuss what went on with the person one/both of them met. I've never been in that situation so I'm really looking for an explanation as to why that is? I'm sure it's probably not the easiest thing to explain but I wondered if some of you might attempt it for me.
I asked him if it was okay to write a thread like this and he said it was fine as he'd be interested to hear what other people had to say because he couldn't explain it either. He's really not the type to be unfaithful, which I suppose is bit of a contradiction really, but I've known him a long time and up to now I've never known him to cheat on his girlfriend. I know he's thought long and hard about it so it's not a decision he's made lightly (or with the brain in his troosers!)
However, that's not the question here... I want to know why you think the sex is better with his girlfriend after he's been naughty with someone else. :rascal:
The other thing I'd really like to know is whether or not you'd settle in a relationship if all your boxes were ticked apart from the sexual one... and do you think that if you did, your relationship will last the distance?
dunno

8 Jun 2009

We've been married for 19 years (together for 21) and our sex life is good - definitely not lacking in itself. Swinging just provides a different dimension to sex, by providing variety and surprises which we can bring back to our marital bed and share with each other. The lack of familiarity with a different partner(s) can lead to new discoveries and a sense of trying something for the first time all over again (it made sense in my head).
Speaking for myself, although we have played together in 3- and 4-somes, I get a huge thrill hearing what Mr Stuff has got up to with someone out of my view. It turns me on so much that he gets another good going-over from me (whether he wants it or not :rascal: ). I can't explain why that turns me on so much more than watching him with another woman though. It just does.

8 Jun 2009

ok my view is ... question 1
i am not having sex with my partner i am making love ... the emotions involved when making love make the act of sex far better ... different from having sex after you have played with someone else sure it heightens the feelings you have for your partner therefore making it better
question 2
i was in a sexless marriage . it wasnt always so it just ended up like that... i was scared of being on my own i suppose too scared to end it as i think he was as well but when the decision was made and the hurt and anger of betrayal left and i was calm enough to examine what had happened ... it was exackly what we both needed to do i am far happier in where i am as a person and who i choose to be not just i am with them because it is familiar
i hope this makes sense

8 Jun 2009

Good question Dirty!
I personally feel in the beginning of a relationship sex is an important part that bonds two people together, the want and desire to be intimate and that close to the person I loved was important. I think if I never had that feeling our relationship wouldnâ€™t have lasted as long as it has 30 years.
After time the importance on sex isnâ€™t so strong as there are many factors that happen over time that bonds two people together, after so many years together the sex doesn't have that same spark perhaps why we are here, but that doesnâ€™t mean we love each other less, maybe more in a way.
So I am thinking when did sex become less important within our relationship it is hard to pinpoint a time, but saying that when we are intimate together just the two of us it still makes me feel that is where I belong.
When we met others it was great plus it helped us to re ignite that extra spark.

8 Jun 2009

Thanks girls. :thumbup:
But...
What if you never had that spark on a sexual level though?
What if the sex was crap from the word go?
Would you have given up on the relationship because of it?
dunno

8 Jun 2009

Quote by Dirtygirly
Thanks girls. :thumbup:
But...
What if you never had that spark on a sexual level though?
What if the sex was crap from the word go?
Would you have given up on the relationship because of it?

To be truthful without sounding shallow, I think it would have just fizzled out in time. Not saying either of us would choose sex as the be all and end all, but I think it has to work to bond two people together.
This is just my opinion others might think differently.

8 Jun 2009

From my point of view sex is a massive thing in a relationship. Be it a marriage or not. It should be a time for two people ( normally wink

) to express their love for each other.
Without that I feel it could be just a cocoa and slippers relationship. By that I mean just going with the flow of a long term relationship.
I have known people who have been married for years and years, but sleep in seperate bedrooms and most of the time have seperate lives. Cannot see any reason for people to stay like this, unless one reason could be they do not want to be alone.
So for me sex is a huge thing for so many more reasons than just an orgasm.

8 Jun 2009

Ok, from a male perspective here is my 2 pennies worth........
With me sex has always been an important, fundamental issue in relationships. I need, because of my more naughty sexual nature, have a girl that is kind of into the same sort of thing that I am on a sexual level.
Other aspects of a relationship are slightly less important, like if she enjoys horse riding and I like mountain biking, bad analogy perhaps, but what I mean is that these are things we can do with other people like friends etc and is not something we primarily do together such as sex!
If the sex were bad/not what he was expecting, from the word go, then maybe he should have been pretty honest with himself and said maybe this isn't going to work long term as I will be left feeling frustrated?
Iv done it on several occasions in the past when the female involved, regardless of the fact she was gorgeous, nice to talk to and all that other good stuff, just didn't click sexually or was not into, or willing to try the things I myself find sexually exciting!
I myself, and this will possibly make me unpopular or raise a few eyebrows (but hey we have to say what's on our mind right?) think that sleeping with other girls without this girls knowledge is a bit of him having his cake and eating it, and a little bit of a cop out on his part!
He should maybe look at what is right for him and his partner which, in my humble opinion is to tell her how he feels as gently and tactfully as possible and then discuss the only options that are conceivably possible in this scenario.
1. They break up, both are upset but in the long run see that it is for the best as they both would have ended up unhappy.
2. He realises he loves this girl enough to quell his more "deviant" sexual desires (which is unlikely).
3. They try, with him having a patient and understanding attitude to slowly show this girl what he likes and hope that she can learn either to enjoy, or tolerate it occasionally, for the sake of the bigger picture in the relationship.
Anyway, that is my take on it and if I have offended or upset anyone with this then many apologise, but this forum is for opinions, the OP asked for them and I told her my angle on it! biggrin

8 Jun 2009

Quote by Srne
Ok, from a male perspective here is my 2 pennies worth........
With me sex has always been an important, fundamental issue in relationships. I need, because of my more naughty sexual nature, have a girl that is kind of into the same sort of thing that I am on a sexual level.
Other aspects of a relationship are slightly less important, like if she enjoys horse riding and I like mountain biking, bad analogy perhaps, but what I mean is that these are things we can do with other people like friends etc and is not something we primarily do together such as sex!
If the sex were bad/not what he was expecting, from the word go, then maybe he should have been pretty honest with himself and said maybe this isn't going to work long term as I will be left feeling frustrated?
Iv done it on several occasions in the past when the female involved, regardless of the fact she was gorgeous, nice to talk to and all that other good stuff, just didn't click sexually or was not into, or willing to try the things I myself find sexually exciting!
I myself, and this will possibly make me unpopular or raise a few eyebrows (but hey we have to say what's on our mind right?) think that sleeping with other girls without this girls knowledge is a bit of him having his cake and eating it, and a little bit of a cop out on his part!
He should maybe look at what is right for him and his partner which, in my humble opinion is to tell her how he feels as gently and tactfully as possible and then discuss the only options that are conceivably possible in this scenario.
1. They break up, both are upset but in the long run see that it is for the best as they both would have ended up unhappy.
2. He realises he loves this girl enough to quell his more "deviant" sexual desires (which is unlikely).
3. They try, with him having a patient and understanding attitude to slowly show this girl what he likes and hope that she can learn either to enjoy, or tolerate it occasionally, for the sake of the bigger picture in the relationship.
Anyway, that is my take on it and if I have offended or upset anyone with this then many apologise, but this forum is for opinions, the OP asked for them and I told her my angle on it!

To be honest I felt a very good reply.

8 Jun 2009

Quote by Srne
Anyway, that is my take on it and if I have offended or upset anyone with this then many apologise, but this forum is for opinions, the OP asked for them and I told her my angle on it!

Thank you... all great replies with food for thought, I just wanted to say that I'm not upset or offended by your thoughts, I appreciate your honesty. :thumbup:
Difficult for me to put into words the "cake and eat it" part because I would normally agree but he's completely matter of fact about it. I don't even think he wants a bit on the side so to speak, I just think he wants to explore the deviant side of himself but can't do it with her.
I just don't get that bit really, I don't think I could stay in a relationship where something that big is missing. I can't comprehend not being able to just say what I was thinking in the heat of the moment or to not be able to ask a partner to do something new or experiment. For me, the thought of going through life with a "vanilla" (for want of a better word) sex life fills me with dread.
:scared:

8 Jun 2009

I couldn't promise to spend the rest of my life with someone if the sex was bad. Equally I couldn't indulge myself elsewhere without that persons knowledge and be happy.
So its very important to me that any long term romantic commitment is with somebody who shares these views.

8 Jun 2009

For me... sex is more than just the physical aspect.
IF (God forbid) my partner was sent away for a couple of years, I could live with it... providing I felt they still wanted me sexually and I still wanted them.
Of course, I adore the physical... who doesn't?... but if something happened where she couldn't physically have sex... so what?... as long as my mind still got 'fucked' regularly... I'd make do.
Not entirely sure that answers the question!... but sex for me is a fair bit more than getting my end away.

8 Jun 2009

For me... sex is more than just the physical aspect.
IF (God forbid) my partner was sent away for a couple of years, I could live with it... providing I felt they still wanted me sexually and I still wanted them.
Of course, I adore the physical... who doesn't?... but if something happened where she couldn't physically have sex... so what?... as long as my mind still got 'fucked' regularly... I'd make do.
Not entirely sure that answers the question!... but sex for me is a fair bit more than getting my end away.

8 Jun 2009

I wouldn't be with someone for whom sex was uneventful or just not doing it for me. Worlass is my perfect partner... there have been months where I have had sex with no-one but her. (hey- that is a big leap for me since breaking with monogamy). I would never enter into a relationship if the sex was rubbish and worlass and I had many many months before we called it a relationship as we were both wary of being tied into a commitment without there being what we class as the most fundamental part of the relationship- amazing sex.
We don't have mindblowing, tell the world kinda sex everytime we have sex. We often have 'we know what you like' kinda sex. We often just wank side by side... or say 'I am knackered and I am going for a wank' and the other is left downstairs.
We still have sex with other people.
what we always have is good open communication about sex.
If as whips pointed out one of us was medically unable to have sex for whatever reason then I believe our relationship would last because of the communication. I would presume that the other person would get their sexual stuff somewhere else. But we would still talk about it and still have a good time together on another level because we had the communication.
I think I may have waffled but I haven't posted at any length for a while so please forgive it.

8 Jun 2009

It's all about compatibility.
If Mr x and Mrs x (or Mrs & Mrs, or Mr & Mr, Or..oh, whatever) can both take it or leave it, then if the other stuff works, it stands a good chance.
Likewise if X & X are both gagging for it 24/7 - and are on the same wavelength. Problems arise when theres a mis-match of drives, or a miss match of compatibility within those drives. I think within this, our "alternative" domain, we stand a better chance of working through those problems, and finding a way to sustain a relationship where it's just the sex that's an issue.
I have a kinky scale- not a physical thing, but a mental refrence point. I think everyone is somewhere on it.
My W is around 80% Kinky on that scale. I, however am around 85% vanilla. Recognising and accepting that has been wonderful for us.
I've tried kinky- lots. From most directions imaginable. I explored it, but it left me for the most part unfulfilled. He has a kinky streak that I have no desire to supress. We have an understanding that he's free to indulge should he wish. I have a lover who is around 98.5% vanilla. We've been a non-item for 5 years, so I am utterly at ease with him- which is necessary for me to relax and enjoy the nights we spend together.
Mr W gets off on the "cuckold" aspect- that I'm spending the night with another guy etc. He's a friend of the family and when he's here, Mr W even has a twinkle in his eye at the "indignity" of making a cuppa for his wifes lover.. lol

We still have a thriving sex life on it's own merits- but accepting the fact that we're individuals has benefited us on many levels. We may not be 100% compatible in bed- but we've found a creative way of dealing with that. wink

8 Jun 2009

Quote by Witchy
It's all about compatibility.
If Mr x and Mrs x (or Mrs & Mrs, or Mr & Mr, Or..oh, whatever) can both take it or leave it, then if the other stuff works, it stands a good chance.
Likewise if X & X are both gagging for it 24/7 - and are on the same wavelength. Problems arise when theres a mis-match of drives, or a miss match of compatibility within those drives. I think within this, our "alternative" domain, we stand a better chance of working through those problems, and finding a way to sustain a relationship where it's just the sex that's an issue.
I have a kinky scale- not a physical thing, but a mental refrence point. I think everyone is somewhere on it.
My W is around 80% Kinky on that scale. I, however am around 85% vanilla. Recognising and accepting that has been wonderful for us.
I've tried kinky- lots. From most directions imaginable. I explored it, but it left me for the most part unfulfilled. He has a kinky streak that I have no desire to supress. We have an understanding that he's free to indulge should he wish. I have a lover who is around 98.5% vanilla. We've been a non-item for 5 years, so I am utterly at ease with him- which is necessary for me to relax and enjoy the nights we spend together.
Mr W gets off on the "cuckold" aspect- that I'm spending the night with another guy etc. He's a friend of the family and when he's here, Mr W even has a twinkle in his eye at the "indignity" of making a cuppa for his wifes lover..
We still have a thriving sex life on it's own merits- but accepting the fact that we're individuals has benefited us on many levels. We may not be 100% compatible in bed- but we've found a creative way of dealing with that.

:shock:
Great post :thumbup:

9 Jun 2009

For myself sex is important, I have been away from home a lot in the past. Sex with others has just become normal.
It is true that if my wife and I had never had sex we would not be living together, but we would still be friends. Sex is not the be all and end all.
I know that there are things that I like she does not. I also know that the best sex I had was coming home having found my wife's lover had just left. Finding her embarrassed, arroused, mixed-up and confused. We did not just leap into bed, but when we got there...
So to round up. Sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship, but it is good. Sex outside, in our open marriage is useful and when we get together...it adds to what we have.
Why I do not know.

9 Jun 2009

Quote by Srne
Other aspects of a relationship are slightly less important, like if she enjoys horse riding and I like mountain biking, bad analogy perhaps, but what I mean is that these are things we can do with other people like friends etc and is not something we primarily do together such as sex!

Srne, I've only quoted you selectively to save a bit o' space and I don't wish to be picky but I find the bit in bold something a bit strange to find on a swinging site. One of the reasons most of us are here is to have sex with other people after all.
Whilst I don't necessarily disagree with the rest of your post I do think it is easy to theorise about something like this and I don't think it is something that you can theorise about.
Human relationships are so complex there could be a myriad of reasons why people will stay together whether sex is good or not. If sex is very important then the chances are a 'bad sex' relationship will not last. But sex isn't the be all and end all to everybody.
Of course, if you ask the question here you are going to get similar answers to those above but across the board it will be different.
I'm sure DG was asking for opinions from swingers and predictably sex is important but there are plenty of people who advertise here because they 'want to spice up their sex lives' - one might ask the question - 'Why?'. And does getting it from outside actually allow you to exist in a relationship where the sex has become less important between that particular couple?
I'm sorry if the above post reads that I am directing at Srne - that's not the intention - it is intended to make a debating point.
.

9 Jun 2009

Quote by Steve
It's all about compatibility.
If Mr x and Mrs x (or Mrs & Mrs, or Mr & Mr, Or..oh, whatever) can both take it or leave it, then if the other stuff works, it stands a good chance.
Likewise if X & X are both gagging for it 24/7 - and are on the same wavelength. Problems arise when theres a mis-match of drives, or a miss match of compatibility within those drives. I think within this, our "alternative" domain, we stand a better chance of working through those problems, and finding a way to sustain a relationship where it's just the sex that's an issue.
I have a kinky scale- not a physical thing, but a mental refrence point. I think everyone is somewhere on it.
My W is around 80% Kinky on that scale. I, however am around 85% vanilla. Recognising and accepting that has been wonderful for us.
I've tried kinky- lots. From most directions imaginable. I explored it, but it left me for the most part unfulfilled. He has a kinky streak that I have no desire to supress. We have an understanding that he's free to indulge should he wish. I have a lover who is around 98.5% vanilla. We've been a non-item for 5 years, so I am utterly at ease with him- which is necessary for me to relax and enjoy the nights we spend together.
Mr W gets off on the "cuckold" aspect- that I'm spending the night with another guy etc. He's a friend of the family and when he's here, Mr W even has a twinkle in his eye at the "indignity" of making a cuppa for his wifes lover..
We still have a thriving sex life on it's own merits- but accepting the fact that we're individuals has benefited us on many levels. We may not be 100% compatible in bed- but we've found a creative way of dealing with that.

:shock:
Great post :thumbup:
Erm....whaddya mean :shock: Great post?
Barsteward! flipa

:wink:

9 Jun 2009

Quote by westerross

Other aspects of a relationship are slightly less important, like if she enjoys horse riding and I like mountain biking, bad analogy perhaps, but what I mean is that these are things we can do with other people like friends etc and is not something we primarily do together such as sex!

Srne, I've only quoted you selectively to save a bit o' space and I don't wish to be picky but I find the bit in bold something a bit strange to find on a swinging site. One of the reasons most of us are here is to have sex with other people after all.
Whilst I don't necessarily disagree with the rest of your post I do think it is easy to theorise about something like this and I don't think it is something that you can theorise about.
Human relationships are so complex there could be a myriad of reasons why people will stay together whether sex is good or not. If sex is very important then the chances are a 'bad sex' relationship will not last. But sex isn't the be all and end all to everybody.
Of course, if you ask the question here you are going to get similar answers to those above but across the board it will be different.
I'm sure DG was asking for opinions from swingers and predictably sex is important but there are plenty of people who advertise here because they 'want to spice up their sex lives' - one might ask the question - 'Why?'. And does getting it from outside actually allow you to exist in a relationship where the sex has become less important between that particular couple?
I'm sorry if the above post reads that I am directing at Srne - that's not the intention - it is intended to make a debating point.
.
Tune I read Srne post totally different from the way you read it, how odd.
I read it to mean that sex within a couple is important first. There are other things she could do where he doesnâ€™t have to be part of her life (as in horse riding ect) but feels sex should be part of both of their lives together, so if they are a couple having sex as a couple swinging or otherwise is important to him.
Thatâ€™s just my take on what Srne said.
Funny how we can read the same things but come up with different interpretations.

9 Jun 2009

I read it that way too Minx.

9 Jun 2009

I don't we differ much to be honest.
My point is that to some people sex isn't important - in fact I'm sure there are some people who think horse riding is more important than sex.
I'm not doubting that sex is important to Srne, I'm sure it is. But the relative importance of different things is different for different people - so one cannot generalise or theorise on it too much.
DG was asking how important is sex within a relationship - some on the thread are saying 'it is important' - I'm saying 'depends on what is important to you'.
The bit about doing things with other people was an aside really - just brought a smile to me face to see it posted on a swinging site - that's all. wink

.

9 Jun 2009

I was in a relationship a long long time ago, with someone who did not consider sex important at all. It did cause some agro in the early days as I had a much higher sex drive than him. However, we came to a decision that we did not want to split up over it, rather we would have an open relationship. That did work for several years. We did have sex now and again, but genuinely sex became unimportant to us as partners. We did split up eventually but not for that reason. It was after that relationship ended that I started to explore swinging.
However, to answer the question...
In my younger days I would certainly have said that sex is important in a relationship. However, it is not the be all and end all. I guess if my ex partner and I had not reached a solution I may have become very unhappy. I would not have cheated on him without his knowledge, and I probably would not have split up over it, but who knows, I may have done had I become THAT unhappy about it.
Now though, maybe it's simply a drop in sex drive, or a change in the way I view sex as part of my life (which it isn't atm by choice), I don't know, but sex is not important to me any more. Then again, I am not in a relationship so it's not a problem I think about.
I suppose it is all about the individuals concerned and how important they think it is, and if they do differ in their sex drives, how the deal with that issue.