How NOT to gain someones confidence

29 Aug 2005

Quote by t-and-k
Hi All
Last night whilst browsing through SH's many delights my email notification pinged and off I went to see what I had, Upon opening it I noticed it was purely a one liner which is bad enough but when that one line is " I live just around the corner from you, don't worry you're safe xxxxxxx J****** " then I was truly freaked out
I added the person to msn contacts and spoke to them where they did indeed confirm they lived literally around the corner from us, I then went on to explain that whilst we we're looking for some meets / social events / fun we were not looking for them on our doorstep.
Now I'd like to know if I'm being a little odd in my attitude here ? or do other members wish to keep the very personal / private side of life serperate from everyday life ? I really don't want to be shopping in sainsbury's and be greeted by someone I'd chatted to online or even worse someone who has seen our Ad and feels we are then fair game ( judging by a lot of guys who use the chatroom this is fair comment I think ) to ask if we wanna take him back for three's company
Needless to say we considered pulling our ad but can't let one bad experience ruin what could be a great change in direction for us.

If you are that freaked out by being recognised by people that know you locally then you should take greater steps to hide your identity and location. I'd suggest amending your profile to say that you are in the NW - and remove your pics from your ad, anyone that wants to see what you look like can contact you and recieve your pictures via email once you have verified that they are not from your area. Simple really.

29 Aug 2005

Quote by t-and-k
Hi All
Last night whilst browsing through SH's many delights my email notification pinged and off I went to see what I had, Upon opening it I noticed it was purely a one liner which is bad enough but when that one line is " I live just around the corner from you, don't worry you're safe xxxxxxx J****** " then I was truly freaked out
I added the person to msn contacts and spoke to them where they did indeed confirm they lived literally around the corner from us, I then went on to explain that whilst we we're looking for some meets / social events / fun we were not looking for them on our doorstep.
Now I'd like to know if I'm being a little odd in my attitude here ? or do other members wish to keep the very personal / private side of life serperate from everyday life ? I really don't want to be shopping in sainsbury's and be greeted by someone I'd chatted to online or even worse someone who has seen our Ad and feels we are then fair game ( judging by a lot of guys who use the chatroom this is fair comment I think ) to ask if we wanna take him back for three's company
Needless to say we considered pulling our ad but can't let one bad experience ruin what could be a great change in direction for us.

Different people will have different ideas about how much they want their swinging existence to overlap their everyday life. If you want to keep it totally separate, then no, that's not an odd attitude in my opinion. We each have the right to decide what we're personally comfortable with, and it's up to everyone else to respect that.
If you're freaked out by the idea of being recognized, again that's down to the individual and there's no right or wrong about that, but if you have face pics in your ad and want to leave them there, then I think you have to take account of the fact that you may be recognized and be very clear from the outset how you intend to deal with that if it happens.
As a matter of etiquette (which can't be enforced, this is just an "in an ideal world" sort of opinion) people who do recognize you from your ad and want to contact you should hopefully have the good sense to approach you only via the ad system initially, rather than pounce on you in the pub or whatever, and if you tell them you're not interested, that should be the end of it, but as I say, that's in an ideal world. confused

I honestly believe a well-written ad doesn't need a face pic anyway. I think it's fairly certain from what advertisers say about the responses they get that a picture will get you more attention, but if it's a good ad, I don't think blanking out your faces will make much difference.
If you're a bit vague about your location, by not narrowing it down to anything smaller than a county for example, then when you are contacted by someone a bit too close to home, you can tell them thanks but no thanks without giving anything away.
Good topic and thanks for posting it - I'm sure it'll give other advertisers something to think about, and I hope you can work out what's the best thing for you to do and stop worrying. smile

Regards,
Ice

29 Aug 2005

Plenty of good advice there on protecting your identity in adverts but I do think it was terrible of him to have emailed you that message in the first place. What can it accomplish other than to make you feel ill-at-ease?
I have spotted a couple that I know in 'real life' in the ads section but wouldn't dream of telling them as it would only make them feel awkward.
I hope you told him off...

29 Aug 2005

Interesting topic.
I know some people don't want to piss on their own doorstep so to speak and don't want to swing with people who live near them, or even in the same town. I've never had a problem with it personally. I suppose if any old weirdo can suss your exact location from your ad you may have a chance of pulling a stalker, but if you are not that specific and it comes out in conversation that you live close by each other, I don't think any sane person would do anything that's going to get you into trouble.
When I advertised as a single fem a few years ago via another site, I met someone who lived LITERALLY round the corner from me. If it hadn't been for a tree in the way I could have seen his house from mine. Jolly convenient too I might add :twisted: . I met another guy who lived just down the road, and another who managed the garage about 5 minutes walk from my home. I also met someone worked at the same place as me, though not in the same dept. On this site I met someone who I started school with, and who now lives in the same village.
Cool or what lol

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

29 Aug 2005

Quote by bluexxx
... I met another guy who lived just down the road, and another who managed the garage about 5 minutes walk from my home........Cool or what :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Handy fer getting a service then! :lol:

29 Aug 2005

Quote by swingpin
I have spotted a couple that I know in 'real life' in the ads section but wouldn't dream of telling them as it would only make them feel awkward.

I once spotted a colleague whom I was working with at the time. She made the mistake of posting a link to her vanilla profile on another site. I thought of dropping her a warning note but fortunately she realised her gaff as the link was dropped from her ad shortly afterwards. She may wonder about the added twinkle in my eye next time we work together but I shan't be saying anything. I didn't fit her target requirements in any case.
I guess T & K's neighbour got carried away by the thrill of it all, so to speak.

29 Aug 2005

Quote by bluexxx
When I advertised ....I met someone who lived LITERALLY round the corner from me. .... I met another guy who lived just down the road, and another who managed the garage about 5 minutes walk from my home.....I met someone who I started school with, and who now lives in the same village.
Cool or what :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

You'll never be short of a cup of sugar, that's for sure.
:lol:

29 Aug 2005

Personally I don't think I'd have a problem with being recognised by someone who's a member of this site. In fact, because I'm a bit exhibitionist, I think I'd feel quite flattered. smile

I have been toying with the idea of having one of those number plates that some drivers have in the windscreen of their trucks with their nickname on it. I might even have two, one that just says "ES" (for everyday use) and one that says "EAGER" (for when I'm parked up for the night). :rascal:
I'd do it because I'd actually like peeps to come up to me and say "Hey! You must be ES from SH" :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:
I haven't decided yet one way or the other because of course there may be people who view the site who would behave like complete tossers. rolleyes

:roll: :undecided: However, I think the principle is much the same as wearing an SH pin so that other members can recognise you. wink

:wink:
In all honesty, I'd like to turn my life around totally so that I can be ES full-time (well I know I am ES anyway). About the only people I'd prefer not to know are my family and my gf likes me the way I am so no probs there.
Anyway they don't shoot sluts and tarts yet do they? :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
I've thought about the possibility of imposters but then hey! I've got my butterflies etc to prove who I am and I'd have no problem with people asking to see my credentials. redface

ops: :oops:
Doesn't mean I'd play with absolutely anybody though. I do have certain standards! :huh:
:grin: :grin: :thumbup:

29 Aug 2005

I've said this a few times on the forum, there is a couple on site that I knew from when I was little. The female half anyway.
My Mum and her Mum go back years.
His Father and Ians parents live next door to each other :shock:
Our kids go to the same school so we see each other at sports day and fates as well as munches.
In fact I had been talking to the female of the couple for a while about going to a munch and what is expected. When we walked through the door I realised who they were as they did us.
Doesn't worry us, we are all here for the same reasons so its not a problem for us or them. I'm not naming them but they might pop along as say Hi to prove my point :lol2:
More than likely we are all going to bump into someone we know from RL if we hang around long enough so you can't worry about it all the time. Just get on with having fun as I am sure your neightbour will :rascal:

29 Aug 2005

Quote by t-and-k

Now I'd like to know if I'm being a little odd in my attitude here ? or do other members wish to keep the very personal / private side of life serperate from everyday life ?

Eeek! What an odd email for someone to send the "don't worry you're safe" comment is the strangest thing to say! :shock:
I don't think it's an odd attitude, if you want to keep your swinging side under wraps then taking care with your identity is sensible, I started a thread a while ago expressing my surprise at some people using email addresses that contain their full name or workplace too!
I placed an ad a couple of months ago (in the ads rather than LMU) and was careful not to include my forum identity in it either....I prefer to keep ads and my forum presence separate as both can be viewed by non-members, I'm sure lots of people do that.
Personally, I don't look for anything too close to home even with dogging and am careful about who I share my exact location with, I don't want to meet someone I'll bump into at the petrol station or M&S - recognition at the checkout just ruins the memory of an erotic encounter imo! wink

Anyway, rather than not advertising, perhaps you should just rethink the content as Wishmaster suggested?

29 Aug 2005

Same kind of thing happened to us the other day.......
Placed an add only to get a text message of Nicola's boss letting us know he had recognised us ect. ect.
He was only having a laugh but just made us realise if you dont want people who live nearby to recognise you,you have to be carefull how much you expose yourself.
Im sure theres an awfull lot of people been recognised on here and the other person has been too embarrased to mention it.

29 Aug 2005

Some people are compartmentalists... who like to separate work and home life... or social life and private life... or GF and wife... and so on. Other people like to merge the whole lot together. Both systems have their merrits and drawbacks.
I like an easy life, so I make it less easy for people to work out who I really am... but I am not going to loose sleep over it... because I know that its always possible to work out someones iidentity if you can be bothered to spend alllll that time doing it.
I don't mind being recognised by someone who is a swinger themselves... but I wouldn't want to be recognised by anybody else... simply because their morals and sense of social norms probably wouldn't fit with mine. Like eager has said, those that understand can know... those that just want to critise are the next door neighbours that would never work it out.

29 Aug 2005

some interesting points here, a useful topic to give the brain some thought.
we personally arent too worried who knows us or recognises us, with of our freinds and a few family members know what were "trying" out, and although we havent actually met up with any "strangers" yet, this is something we are intending on doing, so topics like this are giving us some good insight on what to be careful of etc
for that we thank you all wink

29 Aug 2005

Quote by JudyTV
If people recognise us from our ad or from this site in general then they are probably here for the same reason and we can only hope that discretion is part of their creed as it is with many of us here.
Judy

I agree Judy - the only occasion I am aware of when someone here has been embarrassed (nay, humiliated) by being recognised from their ad was Sexyjess, and her story serves as a warning of what can happen.
http://www.swingingheaven.co.uk/swingers-forum/viewtopic/42732.html
I see she disappeared from the forums shortly after she told us what happened - does anyone know how she is now?
Mike.

29 Aug 2005

knew there was a reason we don`t do` face pics`!!!!!!!!

29 Aug 2005

Quote by Serendipity

Now I'd like to know if I'm being a little odd in my attitude here ? or do other members wish to keep the very personal / private side of life serperate from everyday life ?

Eeek! What an odd email for someone to send the "don't worry you're safe" comment is the strangest thing to say! :shock:
I have to agree that that was probably not the best worded phrase...
On occasion I have emailed people whos photographs I've seen in adverts that have also been used on model sites... to inform them either someone is using their photos or that they might be reconisable and explaining "If it is a legitimate advert then I hope my email won't discourage you from advertising as I also use both sites in question... one for work and one for meeting open minded people."

29 Aug 2005

It does not bother me if i bump into someone i know as so to speak, but even if you do take off your pics on your add there's still a chamce you could send them to someone you know, its a risk we take but we are all here for the same reason so i doubt they will go round telling anyone

29 Aug 2005

Quote by t-and-k
I really don't want to be shopping in sainsbury's and be greeted by someone I'd chatted to online or even worse someone who has seen our Ad and feels we are then fair game ( judging by a lot of guys who use the chatroom this is fair comment I think ) to ask if we wanna take him back for three's company

I don't think you need to worry about that aspect as much as you might think.... it is amazing how "brave" people can be when they have the anonominity of the pc between them and someone else...
When I was with an ex who I used to also swing with and had decided that "mmm yes, he seems ok, passed the non-pushy test, is not trying to cyber, seems to be interested in us both as a couple..." it was mazing how many bottled it at that stage. We had one guy who lived local to us (just down the road) who after an initial chat did actually say "I don't think I can meet you as it would feel just to strange to walk past you in tescos if we had played... sorry"
All I can say is... take it as a quick heads up... and if you feel you need to, edit your photos to blank out your faces and (i've not seen the ad) maybe re-word it to make it a bit more vague about "you and where you live," not your requirements etc.
(I'm sure someone has already offered, but if you need someone that can photoshop the photos to remove the faces I can do so if you would like)

30 Aug 2005

i got a txt sayin that theve seen our advert and wants to "shove it up ya mrs botty hole", luckly i know only one person who talks like that.....turned out he got a new phone, and he dosnt know weve got an advert?! he was just tryin to freak us out.......it worked until i got the txt back of him confirmin it was him redface

did make us think tho...wouldnt be nice peole living near us knowing about the advert.

30 Aug 2005

For me the show pics / don't show pics is a catch 22 situation.
Although I do not "advertise" my sexual behaviour to my neighbours, etc, etc, I am neither embarrassed nor ashamed of my life, but I'm not sure if I'd like the woman 2 doors down to see my pictures or read my advert but (the woman 3 doors down...now that's a different story... wink

)
I feel that putting a picture on your ad that includes your face does show a certain amount of honesty, and also helps people to decide, early on, wether they think your suitable for them or not.
As far as meeting people, in a "normal" environment, that have seen my advert goes, it doesn't bother me, as I regard myself as someone that can play "intellectual tennis" with the best of them, so any flippant remarks would be handled accordingly.
I understand that this isn't everyone's perspective, and I respect the privacy of those that do not post pictures of themselves.

30 Aug 2005

It easy to consider this being more sinister than it needs to be. Most of us enjoy 'people watching', and get some joy out of putting someone into a category or box. It gives me a feeling of satisfaction that i have sussed someone correctly for what they really are etc.
So I think it means no more than that.