How to cope with unrequited love?

29 Jul 2004

Hello, This is a bit of serious post so not sure how well it'll be taken but I'm going to post anyway as it might make me feel better.
The story goes: I split up with my ex nearly a year ago as he cheated on me numerous times towards the end of our 2 year relationship.
Until about January we were still sleeping together - I guess he was using me although he had another girlfriend by that point which I didn't know about.
Anyway he's now moved far away from me and we still chatted on the phone every few weeks or so. I had gotten over him mostly - I mean I don't think we ever truly get over someone for a long time but I was starting to enjoy myself again and see other people (one of the reasons I'm on here).
Recently I went up to see him as he's bought a house and was going through a rough patch. It was a friends thing although we made it clear we would sleep together. That was fine with me - I had no intention of wanting to get back with him - I just thought it would be nice to see him again.
Anyway, I'm now feeling very strongly towards him again even though I know it won't work - him wanting to shag around etc and not even thinking of wanting me back. Our relationship was never the best to others but to me I loved him and I don't think that's going to ever change. I'm trying not to think about him but I realised I do still love him and maybe talking to him is hurting me even more. He doesn't know my feelings for him and I'm even helping him with his pulling technique! redface

Anyway I'm not sure where this post is going - just think I need some general advice on how to cope with unrequited love. I know that people will say/think stop talking to him, forget about him and move on etc but it's not that easy. I still want to stay friends with him as we are good friends and I can't break that - he's one of a few friends i do have.
I'm having a few tears going on here and don't want my keyboard to blow up on me so I think I'll stop it there!
Any constructive help would be much appreciated.

29 Jul 2004

No constructive advice from me I am afraid.
But whatever you decide it has to be what you want. If it isn't you will not feel "released" from this relationship. I wish you luck and hope it all works out in the end. I, like many others, have gone through similar experiences and will feel for you.
Take care and good luck
Dave_Notts

29 Jul 2004

Unfortunately the only constructive advice I could give is the one bit of advice you don`t want to hear (but you already knew that). Life is shitty like that. Have a hug instead :therethere:
Venusxxx

29 Jul 2004

Once you have gone through a split you tend to just remember the good times. It's easy to forget how dreadful you felt during the bad times.
Now you are apart, when you do meet up it's just the good times you're recreating. You really do have to take a step back and remember exactly how you felt each time he cheated on you - because you will have to get used to them if you return to your old life with him.
I know this doesn't help at all right now - but things do get easier with time, and a whole lot better ....... I've been there, pretty much in the same spot you're in now.
It is your decision, this is just my opinion, slightly tainted cos of what I went through - but, to me, by getting back with this guy you're denying yourself someone else who is truely deserving of you.
kiss

29 Jul 2004

I'm afraid I agree with Venus. He will continue to hurt you as long as you allow him to.
Have a kiss

and a :therethere: from me wink

29 Jul 2004

Thank you for your advice.... I know you're all right in what you say and it's going to be hard but I think it might be because I want someone...... not necessarily him....... to have good times with. He did hurt me and still does in some way and getting to the part where I'm totally ok with things is going to be hard but I will get there and I'll try to have fun while doing it...... there are bad days just as there are good days - today happens to be a bad one but I'll pick myself up and get on with it!
Thank you for all the support...... it's nice to know that there are lovely people out there who don't even know me but offer good advice and hugs. kiss

30 Jul 2004

Awww bless you kiss

:therethere:
I really do know how you feel, as I'm sure do many others.
Sadly, it's true - the right advice is the advice you don't want to take. The hardest decisions are the ones you make with your head not your heart.
Good luck xxx

30 Jul 2004

30 Jul 2004

I have been obssesivley in love without it being returned , I can now see when I look back that it wasted 2 years of my life. The young woman concerned liked me well enough , but not in the way I felt for her . One day I called and talked to her , and she said something that I didn't like and I just felt differentley from that moment on , now I'm sure that did not happen instantly , I had been building up to that tipping point and that was the time I needed . We lost contact for years , and then I met her agianmumbble years later , and although I still like her , she can't make me behave irrationaly any more . A very good friend of mine went through a similar time with a girl who "did it" for him . Again 2 wasted years , then one day he woke up and got on with his life .
The oddest thing is , that when I regained control of myself there was none of that "everyone can see your blown away" to quote Paul Simon that happens when you break up with someone and you have been in an intense relationsahip , it was like your broken leg healing and you could get out of the emotional wheelchair and get on with life. Onlyme , sitting down and getting your thoughts crystaallised via this forum is a good start .

30 Jul 2004

You need to think long and hard about this 1,if what you say is right you can make the decision but i think you must move on because otherwise youll just end up with more pain.

30 Jul 2004

Quote by onlyme1981

Anyway he's now moved far away from me and we still chatted on the phone every few weeks or so. I had gotten over him mostly - I mean I don't think we ever truly get over someone for a long time but I was starting to enjoy myself again and see other people (one of the reasons I'm on here).

On another more postive note, read what you wrote there. A little bit more of that, and you`ll be home free. You`ve already seen an inkling that it can be done. Stop phoning him and the process will be quicker. So you took a couple of steps backwards, happens to everyone, but I guarantee you this; You are in the best place to make great new friends and build a social life.....I know biggrin

Venusxxx

30 Jul 2004

It IS nice that there is somewhere where you can pour out your feelings.
When I split up with my first wife, my whole life collapsed. She had found somebody else, although I think looking back, we were drifting apart. And at the time I did love her.
After we had split I would visit the kids every day. Well I pretended to visit the kids but I was actually going to see her.
Any contact was good for me. This went on for months and obviously inside I must have been coming to terms with it. Then she did me a huge favour.
She was burgled and one Saturday morning at 7am there was a knock on my door from the police. She had accused me of burgling the house, (to get back at her) and I had the indignity of having my belongings searched.
But that was the closure I needed. I thought to myself how could I love someone who thought so badly of me. And I never thought of her again in that manner.
So what you will find hopefully one day, there will be a point when you say 'no more', and can forget and move on.
Rich

30 Jul 2004

I've always tried to remain friends with lost partners, But then again I've never been a cheat. If I don't want monogamy then i stick to one night stands. I find the problem to be finding that person that isn't going to say yes and grin and bear everything you do till its too much and just leave..... or the ones that find fault in everything you do and cause argument over the pettiest things because other things make them un happy and they just find it easyer blaming you. Maybe i was born to be Single but the sappy clingy ones scare me to death and the stubborn argumentative ones just bring the same out in me.
What can be done? i guess its just me.

30 Jul 2004

I am afraid I cannot offer any different advice than that from my SH colleagues. Do I believe that theres a chance you and he will get together again in a successful and happy reqltionshsip...No Iam afraid I dont ...not a chance to put it sounds to me like the guy is egocentiric and lacks any sensitivity to your thoughts.. Sorry if you find these harsh words and you think what the hell do I know...
Your way forward is to build your life away from this guy, make your life full of other interests and friends apart from him. These will distract and moderate your feelings for him eventually and even allow you to have him in your life as a platonic friend ...
Just put yourself first for a while .
The very best of luck to you
NGDE

30 Jul 2004

Just for you kiss

Onlyme1981.
Hope you can resolve this issue one way or another.
LC xxx

31 Jul 2004

Hi onlyme1981 !
Your predicament touched a nerve when I read it so I thought I would give you the benefit of my experience and how I resolved it.
I was head over heels in love with her, we were together for nearly 5 years when out of the blue she left, gone,vanished ! I was totally shell shocked by this and started a campaign to win here back - this took up a year of my life, I was completely obsessed with this woman who within a month of leaving me had taken up with another man.
We remade contact and for a short while I really did believe there was a chance. There was over a hundred miles between us at this point but I was driving there in the week and again at the weekend just to catch a glimpse of her.
Well what a fool I was, I had plenty of admirers but couldn't see them, my closest friends had become transparent, my work was suffering until one day I reached bursting point.
A fellow worker passed by me one day and asked if I was OK, I replied yes and then thought to myself, no, I'm not alright, I'm hurting bad so I followed him to the area he works in and we started to talk. This guy effectively became my therapist for the next 2 months or so and all he did was to listen. I suppose unusually for a man he didn't try to offer solutions to my problems, he just listened, and every morning we (I) would talk about it. Gradually my "problem" melted away and our sessions got shorter, at the end laughter was part of it, something I could never have envisaged a month prior.
You know how it is, as soon as someone makes suggestions of what to do you immediately counter with additional problems simply because that's not what you want at the time. I actually snapped out of my "coma" 11 months after she left and it wasn't until that time that Itook charge of my life once more and then all the really good things that you like about yourself come out, it's a bit like springtime I suppose.
I think you have to go through that experience to heal yourself, it's not about turning your feelings for the other person around 180 degrees, it's not about them at all, it's only about you and the best thing is you become a much better person at the end of it, that's a promise !
Take care and enjoy life my dear !
S8
XXX smile

31 Jul 2004

It was a friends thing although we made it clear we would sleep together.

I'd be interested to know who mentioned this first. I think since you still want this man in your life as a friend if nothing more you should stop sleeping with him completely and see how he behaves towards you then. See whether his behaviour changes when he realises it is just a friends only relationship. After all if he doesn't continue to be interested in you as a friend he doesn't deserve to be allowed into your bed.
Hope that makes sense.

31 Jul 2004

If you feel for him and he doesn't feel for you then the only thing you can do to protect yourself is to walk away completely...
It isn't possible to be "friends" with someone you love when they don't love you, it just hurts too much... sad

Sorry. :therethere: