Avid readers of these threads will know that a mini-backlash is going on amongst us singles. A few of us turned our backs on the bliss of liberated, no-strings sex and fled to the vanilla world because we wanted a cup of tea in the morning.
So through a vanilla dating site I met Adam. We match. We fit. We have fun between the sheets. We lack passion and spark. We SO lack passion and spark
And then through the same site Brotha contacts me. He flirts, he woos, he will travel 200 miles to meet me. He has something I have lusted for for some time - dreadlocks and matching attitude.
So Thursday = Adam. Friday = Brotha and this is where I think I should have stayed with the swingers because - what do I tell Adam? In SH land I would just say 'Oh, by the way, I'm meeting this guy tomorrow night' but in vanilla-land it doesn't work that way. So do I tell Adam about Brotha? Honesty is a big thing with me. Or not?
Jezzay.
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I am so superficial - help needed
Sex God
What a problem, if honesty is the best policy, what happens if you loose the Vanilla guy? Could he take the truth.
Only you can answer this one. If the Vanilla guy is a serious contender for a relationship with you (of the love and marriage variety) then do you risk it.
My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you make the right choice. If it were down to me, it would be stick to the Swingers.
john
Only you can answer this one. If the Vanilla guy is a serious contender for a relationship with you (of the love and marriage variety) then do you risk it.
My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you make the right choice. If it were down to me, it would be stick to the Swingers.
john
Sex God
Then follow your heart Jezzay, otherwise you could end up loosing all round.
At least a swinging relationship would not cause problems with you meeting another guy.
I can only hope that all works out well.
John
xx
At least a swinging relationship would not cause problems with you meeting another guy.
I can only hope that all works out well.
John
xx
Sex God
Isn't it pretty normal for members on dating sites to be meeting and "trying out" more than one person from the site at a time? Would the two guys really be so surprised?
Mike.
Mike.
Sex God
Quote by MikeNorth
Isn't pretty normal for members on dating sites to be meeting and "trying out" more than one person from the site at a time? Would the two guys really be so surprised?
Mike.
what mike said! even in the vanilla world i wouldn't expect total monogamy from someone after one or two dates, or just cos we might have shared a bed once or twice? that's what relationships are for ain't they?
suppose it all depends on what you've intimated to adam so far and where he thinks he stands with you ((( i.e. are you b/f and g/f now as far as you've told him / let him think? ))) ? neil x x x ;)
Jezzay,
I think a white lie is aceptable in this situation. Tell Adam you have a family do, or a meeting with a friend who is going through a hard time, or a girlie night round a mate's.....
as in all walks of life, you still have to keep your options open.
I would not feel guilty about dating more than one guy. . . .in some ways I think it would make the most interested parties work that little bit harder....
Good luck honey keep us posted.
I think a white lie is aceptable in this situation. Tell Adam you have a family do, or a meeting with a friend who is going through a hard time, or a girlie night round a mate's.....
as in all walks of life, you still have to keep your options open.
I would not feel guilty about dating more than one guy. . . .in some ways I think it would make the most interested parties work that little bit harder....
Good luck honey keep us posted.
Sex God
You've every right to find out whether Brotha does it for you before you decide. I presume you haven't implied to Adam that your his and his alone. If you have then that may be a problem. I'd say meet Brotha and then decide what's best.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Sex God
Quote by foxylady 123
Go with the dreadlocks!!!
You wouldn't be slightly biased there, would you?
:lol: :lol: I guess that Adam isn't a long-term prospect, given that there's something missing between you two, so I recommend you tell the truth no matter how hard it is for either of you. It's only fair to let him also decide if he wants to see someone who is seeing other people as well.
Quote by markz
we spend so much of our lives thinking about the things we haven't got that we have no time to appreciate the things we have got.
until their gone! :idea:
this statement is so true, I beleive you need to think long and hard about this one.
If you choose to be in a 'vanilla' relationship I think you need to make the decision to only have the one partner. Maybe look at what you do have with this guy and not on the negatives otherwise it will never work out.
If your still looking, then I would say this relationship is not for you. I think if you are going to meet the other guy then you need to be honest and upfront. Maybe the 'vanilla' guy will surprise you and be 'up for it' himself. Then you can have the best of both worlds. Unfortunately deceit has a way of jumping up and biting back.
Either way you have a hard decision to make and I don't envy you. Good luck and let us know what you decide.
Kaz
Quote by easy
Go with the dreadlocks!!!
You wouldn't be slightly biased there, would you?
:lol: :lol: I guess that Adam isn't a long-term prospect, given that there's something missing between you two, so I recommend you tell the truth no matter how hard it is for either of you. It's only fair to let him also decide if he wants to see someone who is seeing other people as well.
Biased, who me??
Really easy you should know me better than that , if i had been bbiased i would have said, ditch the dreadlocks and send him to me!! :twisted:
I would say the most important thing is to be honest with both of them.....that way neither can complain.....
I personally would prefer passion and spark over just reliability and friendship.....that's if I want a long term partner.....but you have to decide for yourself what is important to you.
I have two lovers, both married (in open relationships)......one I have a huge amount of passion and lust for but the other is more just a friend now (although we DO still have some passion there)......but I'm lucky I guess because I can have them both and they both know about each other and that is fine......perhaps you can have the same?
Good luck hun....I hope things work out the way you want them to. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.....
I personally would prefer passion and spark over just reliability and friendship.....that's if I want a long term partner.....but you have to decide for yourself what is important to you.
I have two lovers, both married (in open relationships)......one I have a huge amount of passion and lust for but the other is more just a friend now (although we DO still have some passion there)......but I'm lucky I guess because I can have them both and they both know about each other and that is fine......perhaps you can have the same?
Good luck hun....I hope things work out the way you want them to. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.....
Jezzay our hearts go out to you. We know how happy you were when you met Adam, and how unhappy you were before you met him. I think the problem here is that you want the best of both worlds, you want someone to wake up with but also someone to go swinging with.
Ok Adam might not have the passion that you seek but is everything else is fine in your relationship? if it is then try and find the passion. There are times when every couple loses the passion and only by talking about what we want can both parties be happy.
Therefore our suggestion would be to sitting Adam down, explain to him why you are unsettled, explain to him that you are a swinger and that you would like to explore this side of life with him etc etc. Adam might run a mile then again he might surprise you and you could end up in a menage a trois on Friday
Best of luck whatever you decide
Take care
Rich n Mel
PS New swinging club opening in yarmouth at weekend if you fancy
Ok Adam might not have the passion that you seek but is everything else is fine in your relationship? if it is then try and find the passion. There are times when every couple loses the passion and only by talking about what we want can both parties be happy.
Therefore our suggestion would be to sitting Adam down, explain to him why you are unsettled, explain to him that you are a swinger and that you would like to explore this side of life with him etc etc. Adam might run a mile then again he might surprise you and you could end up in a menage a trois on Friday
Best of luck whatever you decide
Take care
Rich n Mel
PS New swinging club opening in yarmouth at weekend if you fancy
Sex God
Quote by foxylady 123
Go with the dreadlocks!!!
You wouldn't be slightly biased there, would you?
:lol: :lol: I guess that Adam isn't a long-term prospect, given that there's something missing between you two, so I recommend you tell the truth no matter how hard it is for either of you. It's only fair to let him also decide if he wants to see someone who is seeing other people as well.
Biased, who me??
Really easy you should know me better than that , if i had been bbiased i would have said, ditch the dreadlocks and send him to me!! :twisted:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Therefore our suggestion would be to sitting Adam down, explain to him why you are unsettled, explain to him that you are a swinger and that you would like to explore this side of life with him etc etc. Adam might run a mile then again he might surprise you and you could end up in a menage a trois on Friday
How refreshingly sensible... :thumbup:
Sex God
If so soon into the relationship with Adam, you require the services of someone else to give you the pleasure you seek, it is something that may stick throughout the whole relationship.
If a man cannot satisfy you in the early stages of the relationship, trust me, even with all the training, talking and practicing getting it right between the sheets, the chemistry is either there or not, it can't be manufactured.
Sometimes signals can be given to someone subconsciously of where they stand in your life and you in theirs. The best thing I ever did was spill my guts out to someone who I had developed feelings for, but then the chemistry was there from day one with him. Only you can make the decision in the end.
Good luck
Gem. x
If a man cannot satisfy you in the early stages of the relationship, trust me, even with all the training, talking and practicing getting it right between the sheets, the chemistry is either there or not, it can't be manufactured.
Sometimes signals can be given to someone subconsciously of where they stand in your life and you in theirs. The best thing I ever did was spill my guts out to someone who I had developed feelings for, but then the chemistry was there from day one with him. Only you can make the decision in the end.
Good luckGem. x
i have been thinking about this all day Jezzay and couldn't access the site to tell you that I'm sorry and white lies are perhaps NOT the way forward. I really shouldn't post first thing in the morning.
If you lack passion now - imagine what it will be like a year down the line. How will you resist the advances of others if you are unsatisfied in such a fundamental way with your new man?
If Brotha has what it takes then you have your answer. If neither are what you are essentially looking for....then there's your answer too....
If you lack passion now - imagine what it will be like a year down the line. How will you resist the advances of others if you are unsatisfied in such a fundamental way with your new man?
If Brotha has what it takes then you have your answer. If neither are what you are essentially looking for....then there's your answer too....
Wow you guys! Thank you. So many supportive and well thought out comments. This is why we don't leave Swinging Heaven when it's going through a silly phase.
Your comments have really helped me think and to realise that I'm not clear myself about what I want. And don't misunderstand - I'm not unhappy. I really appreciate the privilege it is to have choices like these to make. "markz : we spend so much of our lives thinking about the things we haven't got that we have no time to appreciate the things we have got." Absolutely.
Horous : "Then follow your heart Jezzay, otherwise you could end up loosing all round."
tanglewood72 : "you gotta go with your heart, forget what your head tells you".
Yes - I've realised that because it's nice with Adam but not promising as a long-term thing I was thinking of making it a 'just-for-sex no-strings' thing. But then why go vanilla?!!!
MikeNorth : "Isn't it pretty normal for members on dating sites to be meeting and "trying out" more than one person from the site at a time? Would the two guys really be so surprised?"
neilinleeds : "suppose it all depends on what you've intimated to adam so far and where he thinks he stands with you ((( i.e. are you b/f and g/f now as far as you've told him / let him think? ))) ?"
I agree with you guys too. We have had no discussion so far about where our 'thing' is heading so I will tell him about my planned meeting and no doubt discussion will ensue. It's possible he has assumed we are b/f and g/f. It clearly needs to be discussed.
SunBunny - bless you. You changed your view completely and I agreed with you both times!!! Your advice is hard to beat.
EVERYBODY's advice is hard to beat. I agree with you that it isn't good that my feelings for Adam aren't very strong but sometimes I am too quick to judge people and I wanted to give this time - just in case. Sometimes the good feelings don't happen straight away but gently grow. I really don't see the Brotha thing being long-term. His enthusiasm for an early meeting has all the hallmarks of a SH meet. Sort of 'I want it and I want it now'. But I could be wrong.
I am going to be honest with both and just see what happens. And I won't start anything with Brotha without having stopped the first one.
But now the reply I enjoyed most!!
Jezzay
PS: So where's this Yarmouth club, then?
Your comments have really helped me think and to realise that I'm not clear myself about what I want. And don't misunderstand - I'm not unhappy. I really appreciate the privilege it is to have choices like these to make. "markz : we spend so much of our lives thinking about the things we haven't got that we have no time to appreciate the things we have got." Absolutely.
Horous : "Then follow your heart Jezzay, otherwise you could end up loosing all round."
tanglewood72 : "you gotta go with your heart, forget what your head tells you".
Yes - I've realised that because it's nice with Adam but not promising as a long-term thing I was thinking of making it a 'just-for-sex no-strings' thing. But then why go vanilla?!!!
MikeNorth : "Isn't it pretty normal for members on dating sites to be meeting and "trying out" more than one person from the site at a time? Would the two guys really be so surprised?"
neilinleeds : "suppose it all depends on what you've intimated to adam so far and where he thinks he stands with you ((( i.e. are you b/f and g/f now as far as you've told him / let him think? ))) ?"
I agree with you guys too. We have had no discussion so far about where our 'thing' is heading so I will tell him about my planned meeting and no doubt discussion will ensue. It's possible he has assumed we are b/f and g/f. It clearly needs to be discussed.
SunBunny - bless you. You changed your view completely and I agreed with you both times!!! Your advice is hard to beat.
EVERYBODY's advice is hard to beat. I agree with you that it isn't good that my feelings for Adam aren't very strong but sometimes I am too quick to judge people and I wanted to give this time - just in case. Sometimes the good feelings don't happen straight away but gently grow. I really don't see the Brotha thing being long-term. His enthusiasm for an early meeting has all the hallmarks of a SH meet. Sort of 'I want it and I want it now'. But I could be wrong.
I am going to be honest with both and just see what happens. And I won't start anything with Brotha without having stopped the first one.
But now the reply I enjoyed most!!
Quote by foxylady 123
Go with the dreadlocks!!!
Jezzay
PS: So where's this Yarmouth club, then?
Quote by duncanlondon
Its conventional dating now. You'll have to stop one before you start the other.
Oh you think so do you? After all the thinking and advice from here I first of all delayed the date with Brotha to give the thing with Adam a chance to grow. I then spoke honestly with Adam about my intentions and he said "Fine. In fact, I've wanted to tell you there is another lady in my life - an old friend - who still comes to see me every month. I was feeling bad about it."
Oh you were, were you? But couldn't bring yourself to say anything till I did. Suddenly everything looks a bit different, doesn't it.
Bring on the dreadlocks!!!
Jezzay.
Quote by bevntony
Therefore our suggestion would be to sitting Adam down, explain to him why you are unsettled, explain to him that you are a swinger and that you would like to explore this side of life with him etc etc. Adam might run a mile then again he might surprise you and you could end up in a menage a trois on Friday
How refreshingly sensible... :thumbup:
as you all no i was in a near same situation with my partner but i took advise from others on here and sat him down and had a real long talk and here we both are swinging together and very happy ....a big thank you to all of you for the advise you gave me
