Who would have thought a Mc D’s Filet O’Fish would have lead to this.
You’re probably wondering how it happened...
It was a Friday evening and Mr Meaty had offered to valet my car in exchange for sorting out his nasal hair with a pair of tweezers (apparently he is not allowed to handle small objects, as he had a near miss choking incident sometime last year involving a pair of L’Oreal flat tips with the pink foam soft grip). Anyhow, I was on my way around straight from work so I stopped off at the ‘Drive Thru’ to pick up a bite to eat.
To my dismay, after only one bite, I became all to aware of the over zealous pumping actions of no-star Kevin, who on his first shift had been left in charge of the tartar sauce dispenser without adequate training. :shock:
Now concerned my trousers looked like they had been used for target practice by an exceptionally territorial seagull
, I headed to Meatyville with the primary objective of removing the offending sauce globules.I attempted to pre-warn the Meatster of my situation via mobile phone, but as usual the cats had eaten the phone charger or something equally absurd and his phone wasn’t switched on – not to be thwarted, I had a plan. Simultaneously lighting 20 Embassy No1, I operated the electric window to let out control bursts of smoke and signalled “’ay yow I need a sponge and summut tow scrape tartar sauce up with”.
Sure enough he stood waiting outside his garage with a spatula and a slice of black forest gateaux.
Knowing Meaty would not make things easy once he knew the tweezers were out, I decided to take advantage of the sauce distraction. So whilst he was leaning over and concentrating on his spatula skills and getting the sauce from my trousers onto his Captain Birdseye fish finger sandwich (which he produced from his emergency rations store – bottom left combats pocket), I discreetly slide my tweezers out from my pocket. :twisted:
Grasping at a protruding sprout of nasal-pube, I gave an almighty tug. Whilst I had accomplished a satisfactory amount of hair removal, it was unfortunate the force of the tug had caused Meaty’s eye to make a rather swift connection with the gear-stick. With a rather girlish yelp he immediately pulled himself upright and forgetting he was still holding his Birdseye butty, accidentally bread-crumbed his other eye as he brought his hands to his face. :scared:
With blood now dripping from his nose, one eye beginning to swell and the other looking rather like a portion of scampi, Meaty insisted he was in no pain and would set about washing my car. The only problem was, in his state of partial vision (and the state of his garage) he couldn’t find his chamois (shammy) leather or car-shampoo. So off we went to the local shell-shop. Now I didn’t believe he could see what he was doing for one moment, but not wishing to upset the brave little soldier and with his assurance that he knew the car cleaning products where on the end of the second gondola, I let him go into the shop on his own.
A short while later he returned to the car (after attempting to find the door handle on pump No4) claiming his triumph at purchasing 2 shammies and a bottle of turtle wax, whilst holding 2 varieties of Bassets sweets and an ocean fresh bottle of toilet duck.
With my concerns over his ability to clean my car, I decided to drop him off and make my excuses to leave. Before driving off I watched to make sure he safety made it to his front door; which he did after colliding with 1 lamppost, next-door’s hedge and mistaking a discarded shoe for one of his cats.
Anyhow, that’s the only way I can think of that I came to have a bag of Bassets jelly babies in the car.
Has anyone ever left sweeties somewhere for you to find?
Absolutely brilliant 
ladies on the site - was in tears laughing long before the end and only made it to the end with the help of some tissues and 2 slices of peanut butter on toast.
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: 
:loon: :loon: :loon: :loon: :loon:
