:laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove:
Did you hear the one about the the three colourless labradors...
Colourless labradors? ... I think I'll vote for ice .....
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you........"
TOO MANY BUTTONS
A man on a plane needed to go to the gents, but every time he went there, someone else was using it. After a while the stewardess noticed his plight and suggested he use the "ladies", but not to touch any of the buttons on the wall. He went and took his seat and looking around the room he saw buttons marked thus:
W.W W.A P.P and A.T.R
Afer a while his curiosity got the better of him and he pressed the button marked "W.W" ans wamr water washed his bum. He thought this was a marvelous idea, so he pressed the button marked "W.A" ans warm water dried his bum. Not to be outdone he decided to press the button marked "P.P" and out came a powder puff and powdered his bum. He thought the ladies really had it made to them, so he pressed the button marked "A.T.R" and passed out.
Waking up later in hospital he asked the nurse what had happened and she said "You pressed the button marked "A.T.R" which means
Automatic Tampax Remover
Your pernis is under your pillow and your balls are in a bucket under the bed
P.S - the moral of this story is
DONT BE A NOSEY BASTARD!!!!!
Darren was feeling very pleased with himself as he had just starting going out with a beautiful, intelligent, wealthy young lady called Wendy. She was everything Darren had ever dreamt of in a woman and being the impulsive type he decided to have her name tatooed on his willy as a mark of the undying affection he felt for her already.
A couple of days later Darren was down the pub with his mates bragging endlessly about how great Wendy was and generally getting on everyone's nerves. Eventually the lager took effect and Darren needed to visit the gents. As he stood at the urinal another customer came in to use the facilities and stood at the adjacent urinal to Darren. Darren being a bloke, he couldn't help having a quick peek and to his horror there was this guy with a huge penis and boldly emblazoned along it was the word "Wendy".
Darren was unable to contain his anger and zipped himself up before demanding "Why have you got my girlfriend's name tattooed on your cock?"
The guy looks down and laughs.
"Why are you laughing at me? How long have you been sleeping with her?"says Darren
"I don't know her and I'm not laughing at you" says the man "it only says that when I'm not hard, the tattoo actually says Welcome to Clacton-On-Sea Have a Nice Holiday!" :shock:
I met a girl in a bar the other week.
We got chatting and one thing led to another and we ended up back at my place.
Things quickly moved to the bedroom and we got naked.
She was laid spread-eagled on the bed and I looked at her in all her naked beauty, perfect breasts with pert nipples, all-over tan and the most beautiful pussy I have ever seen. It was begging to be licked and kissed and nuzzled.
Of course, me being the perfect gentleman I duly obliged. Moving down from kissing her mouth, lingering a little on her perfect breasts before moving down further to nuzzle on that beautiful pussy.
I'd been down there a few minutes when I realised I had a piece of carrot in my mouth. aye aye I thought. Did I have a piece stuck between my teeth from my dinner earlier in the evening. I took it out of my mouth and carried on regardless.
After another few minutes I noticed a garden pea in my mouth. FFS I thought. I know I cleaned my teeth before I went out, so thought she must be into some kind of kinky sex game where she puts vegetables inside her. I took it out and soldiered on. Never one to let a lady down.
The final straw came when I got a piece of tomato skin in my mouth, so I did no more, but looked up at her. I said "FFS lady......are you fucking sick or something!!"
She looked calmly down at me and said........"NO....but the last guy was!!"
A definition of endless love? Stevie Wonder and David Blunkett playing tennis
So, it's breakfast time and Mum and Dad are sitting eating bacon and egg and listening to the twins banging about upstairs getting ready for school.
Bang, bang, bang, bang on the stairs and Tommy comes in.
Mum..."What do you want for your breakfast, Tommy?"
Tommy... "Oh, Just fucking Cornflakes for me Mum"
She takes hold of the frying pan and batters him all round the kitchen shouting "Don't say that to me, you bad boy"
Meanwhile, Derek has come down and seen all this and quietly sat himself at the table.
Mum......"What do you want for your breakfast, Derek?"
Derek... (Looks at Tommy lying in a pool of blood and snot)........"Well I don't want fucking Cornflakes"
Three men (from no particular ethnic or cultural background) on top of a burning building.
The fire brigade arrive and stretch out a blanket and shout to the first man "JUMP".
As he jumps the firemen quickly move the blanket to one side and the man goes splat.
The firemen shout to the second man "JUMP", the second man shouts "No you will move the blanket".
The firemen shout "no we wont, we were only messing about.
Second man jumps, and the firemen move the blanket again, the man goes splat.
The firemen shout to the third man "come on your turn", to which he replies:
"No I dont trust you bastards, put the blanket down on the ground and move away".
At the risk of offending an ethnic minority of twats who call sticking swords into a bull a sport, I thought that last joke about the firemen was going to be the one where the matador is on top of the burning building and the firemen tell him to jump. He jumps but at the last second, the firemen yank the blanket away a shout "OLÉ"
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?†The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
A gorgeous ex-girlfriend emailed me through the Friends Reunited website recently and we ended up swapping phone numbers.
She called me up the other night and we talked away for ages, we lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me."
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days."
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute.
"Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself," she giggled.
So I told her to f*ck off
Guy goes to confessional and tells the priest that he is married but has had sex with a lady called Fanny Green and that it has been ongoing, once per week for a month. The priest expresses his displeasure and tells the guy to do his pennance.
Next guy in the confessional says he too is married and has been having sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the last month! The priest is somewhat upset and tells the guy to do is pennance.
Third guy comes to confessional and says that although he too is married he has been having sex with Fanny Green. The priest asks who is Fanny Green and the guy says that she is a new lady in the parish. Priest tells the guy to do his pennance.
Next sunday, just as the service is starting, the church doors open and this vision of loveliness walks down the aisle, dressed all in green - green hat, green suit, green stockings and green shoes. She sits down in the front row and does a "Sharon Stone".
Priest turns to the alter boy and asks:
"Is that Fanny Green"?
Alter boy says to the priest:
"I don't think so father - it's the reflection off her shoes".
Boom Boom!!
Two guys (from no particular ethnic or cultural background) are wondering around their town totally skint and gagging for a pint.
Paddy says to Michael,
“ Michael, what are we going to do?â€
“ I dunno Paddy†Michael replies.
With that, they spot Shamus walking up the road with a huge salmon slung over his shoulder on the way to the market.
“Shamus†cries paddy, “How did you catch that salmon?â€
“ Och it’s easy†he replies, “ just get your mate there and hang him over the nearest bridge by the anklesâ€
Paddy looks a little nonplussed
“ when the fish swims by,†continues Shamus, “ your man grabs it, and you pull him up, easyâ€
Our two heroes are soon at the nearest bridge and in no time at all Paddy has Michael dangling by the ankles.
About half an hour has passed when Paddy calls down,
“ Michael, have you caught anything yet?â€
“No†comes the reply. “whyâ€
“because my arms are getting soreâ€
“Well lets give it a wee while longer†says Michael
About a quarter of an hour passes and again the call goes up,
“ Michael, have you caught anything yet? My arms are bloody killing meâ€
“ No, not yet, I’ll tell you what, give it another quarter of an hour and you can pull me upâ€
Well, ten minute go by when a loud shout comes up from bellow,
“ Paddy, pull me up, pull me up quick, FFS PULL ME UPâ€
Taken aback Paddy replies,
“why, have you caught one?â€
“no, there’s a feckin train comingâ€
The doctor said, "Joe, the good new is I can cure your headaches. The bad
new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20
years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Lets see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new
shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Lets see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about
some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see.... Size
36."
Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
one hell of a headache."
a guy comes home to find his wife packing her suitcase
"where you going honey" he asks.
"i'm leaving you and moving to las vegas to become a hooker, i can get $100 just for giving a blowjob".
the guy starts laughing and begins packing his own case
"what are you doing" she asks him.
"i'm coming with you to vegas, i gotta see how you survive on $200 a year"
did you hear about the jewish kamakazi pilot ?
flew 240 successfull missions into his brother in laws scrap yard
An old man wanted to be a monk so off he go`s to the monastrey has a look around and decides this is the life for him but he has one question "what do we do for fun" the monk that is showing him aroud says follow me! they go to the cellar and there is a big barrel in the centre of the room with loads of holes in it,
the old man asks "whats that for"
The monk replies "put ur cock in it and you will find out"
so the old man gets his cock out and puts it in one of the holes "thats fucking amazing" say the old man
The monks says there is on one problem.......Your in the barrel on wednesdays!!!
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being
sized up by God......
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to
send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society
by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly
Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before.
In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the
two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will
help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with
clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around,
playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was
shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see
Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the
clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and
singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a
quick minute and rendered his decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to
see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill
shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave.
He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded-his voice full of anguish and
disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't
believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the
beaches and the beautiful women playing
in the water?"
God said "That was the screen saver."
What are Politics?
A son asks his father if he could explain to him what politics are. But of course I can, says the father.
Take our family as an example:
I am bringing home the money, so we call myself capitalism. Your mother is administrating the funds, so we call her government. Your mother and I are mainly concerned for your well being, so we call you the people.
Our maid is the working class and your little brother, who is still in his nappies, is the future.
Did you understand this?
The son is not really sure and wants to sleep over it.
During the night he wakes up as his little brother is crying, because he filled his nappies. The son gets up and knocks on the bedroom door of his parents, but his mother is fast asleep and he can’t wake her. So he goes to the maid’s room. He finds his father lying besides the maid and despite several knocks on the door they ignore him. So he goes back to his bed and falls asleep again.
Next morning his father asks him if he now knows what politics are and to explain it in his own words.
The son answered, Yes, now I know what politics are. The capitalism misuses the working class whilst the government is asleep. The people are totally ignored and the future is full of shit.
WOMEN DRIVERS
Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still doing her make-up!!
I was so freaked by this that I dropped my electric shaver, which in turn knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE ROUND TWINS.
This caused me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL from my boss!! A needless accident nearly caused by an act of stupidity!
WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!
LilMissGullable
One of the best I have heard in a long time
A guy in a ski-mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open the f*cking safe!", he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank" she replies, "We don't have any money. This is a sperm bank".
"Don't argue, open the f*cking safe or I'll blow your head off". She obliges and once she's opened the safe door, the guy says "Take out one of the bottles and drink it".
"But its full of sperm!" she replies nervously. "Don't argue. Just drink it!" he says.
She pulls the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take another bottle and drink it too", he demands.
She takes out another one and drinks it as well.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the ski-mask and to the girls amazement it's her boyfriend.
"Not that f*cking difficult is it?"
:rotflmao::rotflmao: :rotflmao:
and we dont serve food
