joke &quot;Fridays in Hell&quot;

25 Feb 2005

One day a man wakes up and finds himself in hell. The guy is scared. He comes across a demon. The demon says "whats wrong?" the man answers "im in hell!". so the demon says dont be scared hell isnt so bad, are you a smoker?" he answers "yes" the demon says "then your gonna love mondays, thats all we do is smoke cigars and you get cancer, well your dead anyways! you like to drink?" the man says "are you kidding? i love to drink!" the demon says, "your gonna love tuesdays. you gamble?" the man says "yes!" the demon then says "thats all we do on wedsday. craps,slots,poker,blackjack. you like drugs?" yes i love drugs...wait you dont mean..." the demon says "yep thursday is drug day smoke some dope crack or smack, if you get sick well who cares? your dead!," the demon then asks "you gay?" the man says "HELL NO" the demon then says "OoOoOoH your gonna HATE fridays!"
A scantily dressed girl goes to confession.
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes, Father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But Father, he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes, Father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But Father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes, Father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But Father, he put his you-know-what, in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He puts his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Y-Y-Yes Father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But Father, he has Herpes."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"
There once was three guys who didn't have any money. or any food.
They had been stealing food for the past couple of days and still wern't satiafied.
One guy finally said ,"Wouldn't it be better to ask for food instead of stealing it ?"
They all agreed so one day they went up to this house and rang the door bell . An old lady answered .
They asked her for food . She said she would only give them food if they slept with her .
The first guy refused and so did the second, but the third guy was so hungry that he agreed.
She took him into her barn and said to get started.
He said he wanted to blindfold her and she agreed because she was so desperate.
Once blindfolded he took a piece of corn and started fucking her with it. He threw that piece of corn out the barn window and took another piece of corn and started fucking her with that one.
Afterwards she fed him like she said she would and he left .
The two other guys told him they couldn't believe he had done that for food, especially since they had found free corn around the side of the barn.

25 Feb 2005

Try This one!!!!!!!!!! lol

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :taz: :taz:
A man entered his favourite restaurant and sat at his regular table.
After looking around, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby,
all alone. He motioned the waiter over and asked him to send their most
expensive bottle of Merlot over to the woman, knowing that if she accepted
the bottle, she would be his.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine
coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply
note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response took the note
from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in
your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return
this to the woman.
It read: For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a
Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty
million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful
as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back!

25 Feb 2005

good one

25 Feb 2005

Here's another!!!
Two women friends had gone for a girls night out, and had been decidedlyover-enthusiastic on the Barcardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk abd walking home, they needed to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone.
The first woman had nothing to to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.
Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salavge a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded with that.
After finishing, they made off for home.
The next day. the first womans husband phoned the other husband and said, "These girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing" said the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that sais: 'From all of us at the fire station. We'll never forget you".

25 Feb 2005

There's this Czech and his friend Jew visiting the zoo. Sunddenly the Czech falls in the lion's pit and is immediatly eaten by a lion.
The Jew calls for help and arrives the zoo personnel. The zookeeper ask the Jew in wich lion the Czech is, the male or the female. The Jew then says that he's in the male. So they proceed to open up the male lion and don't find the Czech. So obviously they then proceed to do the same with the female and do find the poor fellow.
The moral of this story is; Never trust a Jew who tells you that the Czech is in the male.

25 Feb 2005

very funny indeed keep them coming

25 Feb 2005

What type of ghosts like curry?
Baltigeists .....
.................... I'll get me coat rolleyes

25 Feb 2005

Quote by kristof
The moral of this story is; Never trust a Jew who tells you that the Czech is in the male.

If I was the sort of person that got offended on other peoples behalf I might call that one anti-semitic, but I'm not. Got any on daego's, waps, niggers, krauts or Ken Livingstone?
rolleyes

26 Feb 2005

a woman put an ad in the lonely hearts colume, it read "looking for a man who wont hit me like my 1st hubby did, or run out on me like my 2nd hubby did, and l wont a man who can totally satisfy me in bed unlike my 3rd hubby," anyway a week later she gets a reply from a man who says he is the man she is looking for, and after a few telephone conversations she decides to invite him round for a meal, anyway the night finally arrives and she is dressed too the nines and nervously waiting, when suddenly the doorbell rings so she answers the door to only find a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs, hello he said am i too late ,no,"she replied" are you the man who replied to my ad, yes it is "said the man" but you have no arms "she says" well then i wont hit you like your 1st hubby did "he replied" and you have no legs either "she stutterd" that means i cant run away from you like your 2nd hubby can i "he answered" no i suppose not "she replied" but dont think i am being rude but do you honestly think you could totally satisfy me in bed "she quizzed" and the man replied, WELL I RANG YOUR F###ING DOORBELL DID'NT I.

26 Feb 2005

Quote by Calico
What type of ghosts like curry?
Baltigeists .....
.................... I'll get me coat

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
I have a silly sense of humour :roll:
................. Can you pick my coat up while your there please redface

26 Feb 2005

i think we have great soh coming from cleveland silly or not dont you think MQ smile

26 Feb 2005

"Mum do farts have lumps in"
"No son"
"Damn mum I've shit meself"
:sticky: :sticky: :sticky: