15 fun things to do in public places
1. Go up to random people and ask "How are you doing?" See what
kind of conversation you can start.
(I met lots of new people this way)
2. Ask someone what another person's name is nearby. Go up to
that person and say "Hey, *person's name*. How are you? You
forgot my name, didn't you!?"
(People normally look at me very confused with this one.)
3. Fall down in front of strangers, and see if they try to help.
(If they don't help, I yell out, "FINE! DON'T HELP ME THEN!")
4. Bump into someone and pretend it causes you to fall down.
See if they apologize.
(This is hard to do, because they normally try to avoid me when
I try to bump them.)
5. Walk behind someone until he/she turns around. Then say,
"What?"
(You should look very confused, so it makes them be confused
also.)
6. Run around and jump on things and make noises pretending to
be a monkey.
(It works with any animal.)
7. Put water in your mouth, and pretend you are barfing when
someone walks by.
(It's really funny when you chew up some Snickers for this.)
8. Get an "Obsession, for men" cologne sample spray, and go up
to people asking, "Do you have an obsession for men? I was
just wondering because I have an obsession for me. It's in my
pants. Do you want me to spray you with it?" When they look at
you funny, take out the cologne and say "What? It's just my
obsession for men cologne. What were you thinking of?"
(It doesn't work on the people that have the cologne.)
9. Walk behind someone and have an arguement with yourself.
(It's even better if you talk in two different voices.)
10. Have a bottle of water and go up to people saying, "Thirsty?"
(I got a total of 5 people to drink from my bottle.)
11. Have a newspaper or a book(or something like that) and hold
it out to someone and ask, "Thirsty?"
(Confusion is funny.)
12. Put a chunk of something sticky on your hand, and go up to
people saying, "Eh, how're you doing?" and try to shake their
hand.
(Some people actually don't notice huge sticky brown things
sticking to your hand.)
13. Jump kick a wall and look at someone and say, "Please don't
do that."
(It works with trees too.)
14. Go up to someone and say in a very low voice, "Death by
catapult."
(There is also, death by spatula, death by rug burn, death by
malapropism, or any other weird random way of death.)
15. Get people to join you in your strange adventures.
(Twice the people = twice the fun.)
Be careful about the people you do these things to. Have fun.
Housekeeping Hints For Real Women
The Good Housekeeping Way #1
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a
sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone,
for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with
your feet up eating it anyway.
The Good Housekeeping Way #2
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in
the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way
Buy Smash mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry
for up to a year.
The Good Housekeeping Way #3
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a
bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white
mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way
The Cheese Cake Shop sells cakes. They even do decorated
versions.
The Good Housekeeping Way #4
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a potato slice.
The Real Women's Way
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough
shit. Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and
you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
The Good Housekeeping Way #5
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator
and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way
I don't care if it could keep forever, I don't eat it!
The Good Housekeeping Way #6
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield
beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way
Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg
whites over the crust so I don't do that either.
The Good Housekeeping Way #7
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in
2 ounces of tequila. Drink the Tequila. You might still have the
headache, but at least you will be too drunk to give a shit.
The Good Housekeeping Way #8
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing
gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way
Go ask mister tight arse cutelegs, single neighbour to do it
for you.
The Good Housekeeping Way #9
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in
casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way
Leftover wine????? What leftover wine???????
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A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." His mother
heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
" And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the
mother asked. "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
"What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied,
"Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked,
"And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped
laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two
plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
What Not To Say To A Cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. By the looks of that gut, I bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around—that's how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Some chav jokes now...
What do you call a chav in a box?
Innit.
What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.
What do you call a chav in a big metal box with a lock on it?
Safe.
What do you call a chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride.
What do you call an eskimo chav?
Innuinnit.
What do you call a chav in a suit?
The defendant.
What have a slinky and a chav got in common?
Neither are of any practical use, but it's fun to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
What's the difference between a chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
2 chavs in a car with no music, who's driving?
The police.
Words Women Say:
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. a "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
a woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.
For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while
to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tyre -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
Uses of the word "fuck"
If you are offended by the use of bad language fuck off now! Don't read all of this page and then say it annoys you.
FUCK is an international word. It doesn’t matter where you are in the world, everyone knows exactly what you mean when you say "Fuck OFF".
It's the atmosphere it creates, that's why you never read "Fuck off he hinted".
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Jane) and intransitive (Jane was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck) or a passive verb (Jane doesn't give a fuck). Or an adverb (Jane is fucking interested in John) and a noun (Jane is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Jane is fucking beautiful).
As you can see there are few words with the versatility of "fuck". Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
Greetings....................."How the fuck are you?"
Fraud........................."I was fucked by the McDonalds Drive Through."
Dismay........................"Oh, fuck it."
Trouble......................."Well, I guess I'm fucked again."
Aggression...................."Fuck you!!!"
Disgust......................."Fuck me!!!"
Confusion....................."What the fuck....?"
Difficulty...................."I don't understand this fucking thing."
Despair......................."Fucked again."
Incompetence.................."He fucks up everything."
Displeasure .................."What the fuck is going on."
Lost.........................."Where the fuck are we?"
Disbelief....................."Unbefuckinglievable!!!"
Retaliation .................."Up your fucking ass!!!"
Pain.........................."Fuck ! that hurt."
Pleasure......................"Oooooooh Fuuuuuuck"
Love.........................."Do ya Fuck on first dates ?"
Starting a relationship ......"Let's fuck now!.
Surprise......................"Fucking hell what was that?"
Hate.........................."You Fuck"
Disappointment................"That’s not Fucking fair"
Lost.........................."Where the fuck are we ?"
A poker hand.................."A royal fuck"
Denial........................"I didn't fucking do it"
Perplexity...................."I know fuck all about it"
Apathy........................"Who gives a fuck"
Resignation .................."Oh fuck it"
Suspicion....................."Who the fuck are you"
Panic........................."Lets get the fuck out of here"
Directions...................."Fuck off"
Maternal......................"Motherfucker"
Incestuous...................."Motherfucker"
Ambiguity ...................."I'm not so fucking sure"
And, never forget the words of these famous people
General Custer................"Where did all them fucking Indians come from?"
Mayor of Hiroshima............"What the fuck was that?"
Captain of the Titanic........"Where's all the fucking water coming from?
Michelangelo.................."You want me to paint what on the fucking ceiling?"
Einstein......................"Any fucker could understand that"
Sean Penn ...................."Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck"
John Lennon..................."Is that a real fucking gun"
Donald Campbell..............."The fucking throttle is stuck"
Anne Boleyn..................."Heads are going to fucking roll"
Richard Nixon................."Who's going to fucking know?"
Niki Lauda...................."I thought I could fucking smell petrol"
Mark Thatcher................."What fucking map"
Picasso......................."It does fucking look like her"
Christopher Columbus.........."Where the fuck are we?"
Michael Jackson..............."It's a fucking skin condition"
Pythagarus...................."How the fuck did you work that one out?"
Walt Disney..................."Fuck a duck"
Joan of Arc..................."I don't suppose it will fucking rain"
Miss Marples.................."I haven't got a fucking clue"
Noah.........................."Scattered showers, my fucking arse"
The mind boggles at the many creative uses of the word.
How can anyone be offended when you say "FUCK".
Use it frequently in your daily speech, you will be proud
and it will add to your fucking prestige and stature.
Why not say "FUCK YOU !" to someone today.
Taoism...........................Shit happens
Confucianism.................Confucius says, "shit happens."
Buddhism.......................If shit happens, it is not really shit.
Zen-Buddhism...............What is the sound of shit happening?
Hindism..........................This shit happened before.
Islam...............................If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism.................Let shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism.....................If shit happens you deserve it.
Mormonism.....................Shit doesn't happen to us.
Calvinism........................Shit is predestined to happen.
Presbyterianism.............Shit happens because it was planned that way.
Unitarianism....................We will study shit happening
Quakerism......................Bless the happening of the shit.
Methodism......................Shit will not happen to you unless you smoke, drink or dance.
Deism.............................Shit happens everywhere
Deveel Whorship...........You will buy this shit.
Atheism..........................Shit doesn't happen.
Agnosticism...................I don't know whether shit happens.
Dyslexism......................Tish happens.
Puritanism......................Shit happening is God's punishment.
Fundamentalism.............If the scriptures do not say shit happens, it does not happen.
Secular Humanism.........It is the fault of society that shit happens.
Liberation Theology.......It is the fault of the rich that shit happens
Dianetics........................Why does shit happen? See page 462.
Heaven's Gate...............Oh, my God! Shit didn't happen!
Communism....................Shit is required to happen to everybody.
Charasmatic...................Shit happens. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!
New Age Theology........Shit happening leads to self awareness.
Existentialism..................There is nothing except shit happening.
Satanism.........................We make shit happen.
Santaism.........................He's making a shitlist and checking it twice.
TV Evangelism.................Watch the shit happen. (And please send money to help keep us on the air.)
Jehovah's Witnesses......{Knock, knock} Excuse me, may I have five minutes of your time to tell you exactly why shit happens?
Judaism............................Why does shit always happen to us?
Hippiism............................Hey, man, try some of this goovy Columbian shit!
Paganism.........................Shit above, shit below.
Wicca..............................Shit will return threefold.
Hare Krishna...................Shit happens, shit happens, happens happens, shit shit.
undertakers have announced that when wacko jacko dies he will me melted down to make plastic toys
so kids can play with him for a bloody change
camilla has thanked the quenn for her kind words but politely turned down the offer a a trip to paris with her own personal driver
sorry for any offence these may have caused anyone
