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Sex God
A drunk walking home through a graveyard, suddenly hears a female voice.
'Psst', she says, 'fancy a shag, only a tenner',
Thinking this a reasonable offer the drunk accepts and gets down to business with the woman.
A passing policeman, upon hearing this activity, goes to investigate and shines his torch in their faces, demanding 'What do you think you are doing?' to which the drunk replies 'I'm making love to my wife'
'I'm sorry' replies the policeman,' I didn't realise'
'No neither did I', replied the drunk,'untill you shone your light in her face'
'Psst', she says, 'fancy a shag, only a tenner',
Thinking this a reasonable offer the drunk accepts and gets down to business with the woman.
A passing policeman, upon hearing this activity, goes to investigate and shines his torch in their faces, demanding 'What do you think you are doing?' to which the drunk replies 'I'm making love to my wife'
'I'm sorry' replies the policeman,' I didn't realise'
'No neither did I', replied the drunk,'untill you shone your light in her face'
Sex God
An email from my mum:
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'
Donald frowned and said, 'No.'
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put it on your bill?
'No!' Donald quacked, ‘I'll thucking thuffocate’
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'
Donald frowned and said, 'No.'
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put it on your bill?
'No!' Donald quacked, ‘I'll thucking thuffocate’
Casanova
Two Tramps were wallkng down the railway one day and one Tramp said to the other, “I am the luckiest guy in the
“Why is that?†asked his mate.
“Well, the other day I was walking down these here tracks when I found a £20 note. I went into town and blew it all on alcohol and I was drunk for three
“That’s nothing,†said his mate “I was walking down these tracks a few weeks ago when I found a beautiful naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up into the trees and had mad sex with her for a
“Jesus,†said his mate “you really are the luckiest guy alive, did she give good blowjobs?â€
“Well, no,†he replied “I never found her
“Why is that?†asked his mate.
“Well, the other day I was walking down these here tracks when I found a £20 note. I went into town and blew it all on alcohol and I was drunk for three
“That’s nothing,†said his mate “I was walking down these tracks a few weeks ago when I found a beautiful naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up into the trees and had mad sex with her for a
“Jesus,†said his mate “you really are the luckiest guy alive, did she give good blowjobs?â€
“Well, no,†he replied “I never found her
Sex God
A burglar breaks into a house and is quietly and expertly collecting valuables in his bag when he hears a voice: “Jesus is watching
Startled he looks around the room but there doesn’t seem to be anyone there, so he carries on stashing the valuables into his bag.
Then he hears the voice again: “Jesus is watching
He looks around the room again, only this time more thoroughly, and he spies a parrot in a cage.
He walks over to the cage and says: “My, my, a talking parrot. Are you Jesus then?â€
“No†replies the bird, “I’m
The thief is most amused: “What sort of people would call their parrot Moses?†he asks, barely suppressing a laugh.
“The same people that call a Rottweiler Jesus!†replies the parrot.
Startled he looks around the room but there doesn’t seem to be anyone there, so he carries on stashing the valuables into his bag.
Then he hears the voice again: “Jesus is watching
He looks around the room again, only this time more thoroughly, and he spies a parrot in a cage.
He walks over to the cage and says: “My, my, a talking parrot. Are you Jesus then?â€
“No†replies the bird, “I’m
The thief is most amused: “What sort of people would call their parrot Moses?†he asks, barely suppressing a laugh.
“The same people that call a Rottweiler Jesus!†replies the parrot.
A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the receptionist a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidently bumps into the woman beside him and his elbow touches her breast.
Both are quite startled. So the man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me"
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436".
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidently bumps into the woman beside him and his elbow touches her breast.
Both are quite startled. So the man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me"
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436".
*Things that are difficult to say when drunk*
*Things that are VERY difficult to say when drunk*
-aggresive disorder
*Things that are DOWN-RIGHT impossible to say when drunk!*
thanks, im married.
, no more booze for me, I don't want a hangover tommorow.
, but you're not really my type
, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
*Things that are VERY difficult to say when drunk*
-aggresive disorder
*Things that are DOWN-RIGHT impossible to say when drunk!*
thanks, im married.
, no more booze for me, I don't want a hangover tommorow.
, but you're not really my type
, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?". "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry".
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??" "Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?". "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry".
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??" "Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
Sex God
How come when ur wifes pregnant, all her female friends rub her belly and say congratulations! But none of them rub ur cock and say well done 
Sex God
What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?
One's a marsupial and one's a Geordie stuck in a lift
One's a marsupial and one's a Geordie stuck in a lift
Sex God
After investigations into 9/11, the Americans have discovered it wasn't the muslim terrorists who attacked the twin towers. It was 2 Irish builders - Paddy and Mick who were fitting a door on the 44th floor. The door wouldn't fit so Paddy told Mick to go fetch a plane and take a bit off the top
Hope that was ok to post? xx
Hope that was ok to post? xx
Forum Virgin
A man goes to his doctors for a cock extension. The doctor suggests getting a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. The man agrees and 6 six weeks later while having dinner with a new woman he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night.
While chatting his cock flys out and steals an apple off the table and goes back.
"Wow" exclaims the woman "can you do that again".
He replies "My cock can but i don't think my arse can take another apple"
While chatting his cock flys out and steals an apple off the table and goes back.
"Wow" exclaims the woman "can you do that again".
He replies "My cock can but i don't think my arse can take another apple"
Sex God
A baby seal walks into a bar..
Barman :"what can I get you"
Seal: "anything but Canadian club"
Barman :"what can I get you"
Seal: "anything but Canadian club"
