A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are. He says "well, pussy and bitch". She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning. Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy." "OK dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."
It's old but hey!!
"On the Fence"
There's an old couple, both in their 80s, on a sentimental holiday
back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and
he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together,
over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against
the fence and I made love to you from behind. "Yes", she says,
"I remember it well."
"OK", he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we
can do it for old times sake?"
"Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea", she answers.
There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having
a chuckle to himself. He thinks, 'I've got to see this, two old timers
having sex against a fence.' So he follows them. They walk haltingly
along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the
fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her panties down and the
old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the
fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most
furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and
jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes.
She's yelling "Ohhh goodness!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear
life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is
amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't
know. He starts to think about his own aged parents, and wonders
whether they still have sex like this.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the
old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The
guy, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like
a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.' As the couple pass, the
guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been
going at it for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there
some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret", the old man says, "except fifty years ago
that fence wasn't electrified!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A Female Brain Cell"
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which
by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She
looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but heard no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still
no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared
and yelled at the top of her voice,
"HELLO!!! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away:
"We're down here..."
xanaisx
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.
2. Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She is a Lawyer.
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
7. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
8. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay
on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred
to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 96.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until
a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address,
telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your
mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press
000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the
beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too
busy to talk to you."
Venusxxx
Several men are in the changing rooms at the local gym.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and one of the men answers it using the hands free speaker function.
"Hello."
"Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?" enquires a woman's voice
"Yes," replies the man.
"Well I'm just out shopping and I've found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" the woman pleads.
"Of course. If you like it that much, you can have it," says the man.
"That's great," says the woman excitedly. "But honey, I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. There's one I really like and it's only £63,000. Can I have it?"
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options," replies the man, without a second thought.
"Great! Oh, and one more thing. My mum phoned and she wants to come and stay with us for a few months. I said you wouldn't mind."
"That's fine. I guess I can put up with her for a while," he says calmly.
"Oh thanks so much honey. You're the best." Says the woman, ending the call.
The man hangs up, turns to all the other men in the locker room, who are staring at him in astonishment and asks:
"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
"Where are you from?" asks the first man.
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man is surprised.
"You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," agrees the second man and they both pour back their drinks.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it " says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!"
Both men knock back another drink.
Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks: "So what school did you go to?"
"St. Mary's," answers the second man. "I graduated in 1962."
"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in the same year!"
Just then another regular comes into the pub and sits down at the bar.
"Much happening?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
ok Last one!
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.
"It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. It's an invention of mine. Check this out."
He shows the stranger a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest cities.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says, "The time is 10 past seven," in a west Texas accent.
He hits a fews more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues, "I've put in regional accents for each city."
The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding and the stranger is full of admiration.
"That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display.
"The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake.
"You can zoom in and out as well," he adds, "and the display changes to show all of eastern New York state."
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet. I'm still ironing out the bugs. But look at this," says Jake, as he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 metres, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, has the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books.
"I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far," says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand," argues Jake, "it's not ready yet."
"I'll give you $1,000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than that on it."
"I'll give you $5,000 for it!"
"But it's just not..."
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" exclaims the stranger pulling, out a chequebook.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in under six months.
The stranger frantically finishes writing the cheque and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger turns to leave.
"Hey, wait a minute!" calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.
Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."
"Bedroom Olympics"
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand
of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys
a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his
wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic rubbers?" she blurts, "What makes
them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver
and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she
asks cheekily.
"Why, Gold, of course!" says the man proudly.
The wife responds ruefully, "Why don't you wear
Silver. It would be nice if you came second for
a change!"
xanaisx
Guy walks into a bar and ask the very georgeous blonde, busty barmaind for a double- entendre. Ok she says, I'll give you one.
ops: 
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: 
