Relationships are not all about sex. I'd be quite happy in a monogamous relationship with the right person, it is more fulfilling of my needs. But right now, I have neither the swinging nor the monogamy so it is all academic.
In my vanilla relationships I found myself to be extremely loyal (not possessive or jealous – just loyal). Sexually I recall feelings of ‘that’s it then – I can’t think of anything else to try’ as I never considered involving other people (well I did make the suggestion to one bf in my early years and whilst he was game he said he would have to dump me afterwards – so I didn’t suggest that to anyone else). Whilst the bonds of friendship grew stronger, I found the sexual side of things becoming predictable and hard work to maintain the buzz that once made me tingle all over. Before anyone starts thinking – “oh she just isn’t very creative†… trust me there are only so many times you can cut the crotch out of your jeans so you can slide your partners fingers inside of you whilst sitting in your local before it gets predictable.
Whilst generally the guys were happy, I would still feel it just wasn’t enough.
I had experimented with small group/swapping in my late teens. I had a friend who was slightly older than me and was married – she suggested that I fuck her hubby one night so she could have his mate. It was exciting yet at the same time felt wrong that I was enjoying sex with my friend’s hubby. Shortly after that I had a 3some with two guys…. Whilst I didn’t actively seek to do either again (not consciously anyway) I guess this was all a sign of things to come.
Anyway – back to relationships. Sexually I would become maybe not bored but certainly unfulfilled and would find myself craving for excitement (which conflicted with the loyalty thing) and ultimately I would move on (yet remain good friends with most of my former partners).
I found myself seeking ‘fuck-buddies’ rather than relationships – best of both if you like. We could become close friends over time but we had freedom to continue to explore. Some of these arrangements where infrequent… some where pretty much like open relationships. One particular fb lasted on and off for around 15 years and I am now his daughter’s Godmother (poor kid).
I know by some of the things I do now I am a bit of a thrill-seeker and I love my freedom. Right now, the idea of a monogamous relationship feels stifling to me - how long that will last I have no idea, I only know what I feel right now.
I just read the title of this thread and thought it said Mongoose relationships; I can’t help feeling a bit cheated now.
That’s all.
I'm going to post my first response after reading this thread - although I may add aditional comments when I've thought about it some more. And yes this is a toally personal opinion.
I don't think that humans are designed to be monogamous. I think it is something we are capable of should we choose to be, but not the natural instinct. It's what a lot of us have had drummed into us all our lives, marriage, monogamy, 2.4 children and the nice family estate car.
I love and adore my gf but I can easily have sex with another person and it will in no way effect my love for her. So why would I be upset if she did the same? I think it's totally unrealistic to expect that you will get all your needs met (sexual or otherwise) from one single person for the rest of your life. Yes there are people who do that, and I say good on them, but it's not for me.
I would consider myself selfish if I thought that I was capable of swinging but tried to stifle any such behaviour in my partner. However I want her to be happy, as long as she comes home to me and loves me then I'm happy. I don't think I could be in a relationship if my gf said "that's it, no more" as it would just be storing up trouble for the future as I don't think I'm capable of monogamy for years on end. Whether it be 5 years or 10 years down the line the inevitable would happen and I would break my promise, hence why I wouldn't/couldn't make it in the first place.
I don't think that one can make sweeping generalisations as to how humans are 'designed' in order to excuse yourself from the fact that monogamy doesn't work for you or fit itself nearly into your psyche..... it is all down to the individuals, their relationships, morals, ethics, what makes them happy and so on...
To the OP, I do understand your question and the whole 'deadendness' of it all - hence the reason that we are part of the fine world of swinging - but life can never be guaranteed to end up a certain way anyway, so why put yourself through the worry of "oh no, I'll never f*ck anyone else again" when you don't know that is going to be the case?
For us, swinging helps us not panic into the whole 'no one else ever again' mindset, but we participate in it due to many other factors too... being a swinging couple means that we don't need to have those thoughts as we never know what/who is around the next corner sexually... we could have a thousand swinging encounters in the next year, or none, but we would be no more or no less sexually aware of the fact that it could be 'just sex with each other and no-one else' as we have the OPTION of other people if the people/situations and so on come along. We haven't painted ourselves into the corner that a lot of vanilla couples do, and as such the asking of such questions about monogamy and its restrictions are, in essence, made redundant.
I suppose what I am trying to say is, why not just keep things simple instead of trying to look ahead and think 'Shit, what if this is it?'. Even if you were 100% monogamous, married and totally happy with that, it still may not be the end of sex with other people, so why assume that it would be in any case?
Every relationship, whatever the status, should ultimately be undertaken because the two people are happy with it and they find it fulfilling. There are too many labels and questions being thrown around for my liking... why not just enjoy what you have instaed of analysing it to the hilt? If it doesn't feel right to you, then in all honesty it probably isn't.. thats not a bad thing, just the way that it goes......
Peace and love to all
I didn't say that was in reference to you - I was answering the thread as a whole.
Sorry that you saw it as a personal attack
Peace and love to all
I am currently single so am technically free to follow any path I wish,but meeting people who wish to share that path with me is another matter lol!
However if I were to meet someone special (in the outside world I mean,not via SH!)and they thought likewise of me I 'd be happy to be in a faithful,commited relationship with just that one person IF it was our mutual desire.
It just depends where I am at and who I am with at the time and how they see it too.
And I thought I was giving a well thought-out and polite reply to a topic that I found rather interesting..... I understand that people may disagree with what I said, but having my post disected by people who don't agree with me is a harsh pill to swallow I must say (lol)
As I have said, and as I will continue to maintain, it is all a manner of choice that is down to the individual/individuals persuing the relationships that they decide to lead.... I doubt that any amount of 'evidence' from history/the bible/sociological studies will change my mind - people do things for their own reasons - yes, they may be affected by society/upbringing and so on, but we are socialised and intelligent enough creatures to have free will and choice no matter what may have occured (or is occuring) to our other human counterparts throughout the world.... freedom of choice is a wonderful thing!
I was never questioning whether monogamy was or was not the 'true' human condition (if there is such a thing) I was just pointing out that it is a choice that people have, and as such some people are happy with it and can follow it through with no problems, while others will not.
In regards to *our* relationship, we are faithful to each other we just decide to include others within our sexual relationship. Swinging, by its very nature, is entirely different couple to couple, person to person, and we would still call ourselves monogamous, although we do include others within our sex life from time to time, as is our want. We are not unfaithful or even polygamous. Perhaps I am just arguing semantics, but I think that you can be 100% committed and satisfied sexually and yet still want to include others. Of course, the true definition of monogamy is sex with one person within a marriage, and since we are not married (or will we be as we do not feel the need to do so), monogamy would never apply to us as a term in any case... but the principle behind it (to us) is the same.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that you cannot generalise human behaviour or the whys and wherefores of things by looking anywhere other than inside yourself and your realtionships - looking at what *you* want and how *you* and your partner feels. Asking for advice on such a topic is, of course, a fantastic thing to do, especially when people are as open and as honest as they are on here, but in my personal opinion, most people ask questions already knowing what they want to hear and hoping for some evidence to agree and affirmation.
Anyway, I shall say my piece, be glad that we are all able to speak as freely as we wish and hope that you all have a fantastic sunday :-)
Peace and love to all
A very interesting read is an article called "DEFLATING THE MYTH OF MONOGAMY by
David P. Barash"
You will find it here:
I think I'm fairly well qualified to answer this one.
Until recently I have been in a monogamous marriage of decades duration. The marriage continues but it is no longer monogamous.
At no time have I ever really felt that sex was 'dead-end', because it was always the physical expression of true love making (mushy, I know, but true). But, I guess it is also true, that I looked for something else, as additional not instead of.
Starting to swing has enabled me to identify in my mind the distinction between love making and recreational sex. The recreational sex can be intense and deeply meaningful with friends but it is different to our love making. Angelica and I fully understand this and we both agree that it has made our marriage stronger.
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That could be a fault on my part in that I'm unable to correctly use the pronoun "one" as opposed to "you"
