Little water has passed under the bridge since I started my fist thread. My wife and myself have chatted about/discussed our sex life and basically there is no change, we have even spent a very good night in a hotel away from the kids. I have not put my wife under any pressure to explore/expand our sex life, even tried abstinence to take the pressure off. Anyway my wife is simply uninterested in anything new (other than nights away in expensive hotels), in our talks she is simply uninterested in sex outside our bedroom door, she doesnt even think about it until I make a move. She says it isnt me, she is very happy with me, I even suggested she might be happier with someone else, male or female, she says she has no need to go elswhere. She is more experienced than me sexually but it does look like she has had some bad experiences and she does not look back with any kind of fondness. Guess therein lies the problem, not sure what I can do anymore, put up with a partner with a low sex drive I suppose but its bloody frustrating. Enjoying sex seems so normal to me and yet to her its almost alien to think of it in this way. Havent asked her to 'see anybody' about the problem yet as this could be problematic for someone who thinks they dont have a problem.
moan over
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Moral Dilemma II (update for those who remember the first)
How about starting from the point of not seeing your wife as a person with a problem. You have said that she is perfectly happy, yet you are insisting that your wife has a problem that she needs to sort for your benefit. 
Is there a way that you can make the occasions when you do have sex more pleasureable?
Perhaps by increasing the anticipation for yourself, making more of the time before you have sex by flirting with her. Perhaps even something as simple as having a shower and a shave, beforehand, make a fuss of yourself beforehand.
lhk
Kat
Is there a way that you can make the occasions when you do have sex more pleasureable?
Perhaps by increasing the anticipation for yourself, making more of the time before you have sex by flirting with her. Perhaps even something as simple as having a shower and a shave, beforehand, make a fuss of yourself beforehand.
lhk
Kat
It is very possibly a hormonal thing. Would she be interested in trying a herbal tonic? Holland and Barretts sell one for women and it works very well on some.
Could she be perimenopausal? That can mess everything up for awhile.
Try surfing the net for information on nutrition and it's effects on sex drive.
Could she be perimenopausal? That can mess everything up for awhile.
Try surfing the net for information on nutrition and it's effects on sex drive.
Quote by pleasureseeker
Little water has passed under the bridge since I started my fist thread. My wife and myself have chatted about/discussed our sex life and basically there is no change, we have even spent a very good night in a hotel away from the kids. I have not put my wife under any pressure to explore/expand our sex life, even tried abstinence to take the pressure off. Anyway my wife is simply uninterested in anything new (other than nights away in expensive hotels), in our talks she is simply uninterested in sex outside our bedroom door, she doesnt even think about it until I make a move. She says it isnt me, she is very happy with me, I even suggested she might be happier with someone else, male or female, she says she has no need to go elswhere. She is more experienced than me sexually but it does look like she has had some bad experiences and she does not look back with any kind of fondness. Guess therein lies the problem, not sure what I can do anymore, put up with a partner with a low sex drive I suppose but its bloody frustrating. Enjoying sex seems so normal to me and yet to her its almost alien to think of it in this way. Havent asked her to 'see anybody' about the problem yet as this could be problematic for someone who thinks they dont have a problem.
moan over
Sorry to hear that nothing's changed pleasure seeker.
From someone who does remember part 1 it's good that you've been able to talk about it.
I think Kitkat & Burnie's points are valid but you speak of previous experiences she's had.
As I said before I do think there's some latent issues - whether that be her upbringing or a bad experience.
There's obviously no easy fix, but I hope things work out for you
I saw on TV perhaps Richard and Judy show that some women who have been on the contraceptive pills run that risk of ruining their sex drive (and that it's something you can't get back). I remember Venessa Felt acknowledging on TV that she was certain the contraceptive pills had ruined her ability to enjoy sex...thus the husband leaving her. Please shoot me dead if this post is too patronising but we do feel for your frustration. We all have been there at one stage in our life.
Sex God
Quote by lusty_modesty
We all have been there at one stage in our life.
Have we? I'm very very lucky then and a one-off (two-off with hubby) because I haven't. And I used to take the contraceptive pill.
Sex God
Go to Relate. 93% of couples who have consulted Relate say their sex lives improved significantly. There is no justification for not going to something like Relate if you both genuinely want to stay together.
Quote by freckledbird
We all have been there at one stage in our life.
Have we? I'm very very lucky then and a one-off (two-off with hubby) because I haven't. And I used to take the contraceptive pill.
Okay not you then happy bird, happy? I accept there will be contradictions but thought I mention it after seeing Vanessa telling sob stories on telly. I've never taken pills myself so you're in better position to challenge this stupid claims.
Sex God
Quote by lusty_modesty
We all have been there at one stage in our life.
Have we? I'm very very lucky then and a one-off (two-off with hubby) because I haven't. And I used to take the contraceptive pill.
Okay not you then happy bird, happy? I accept there will be contradictions but thought I mention it after seeing Vanessa telling sob stories on telly. I've never taken pills myself so you're in better position to challenge this stupid claims.
No need for that- my point was that it was a bit of a sweeping statement, that's all.
At the risk of causing a Sat night All in Halobolu (or however you spell it - and i am sure someone will tell me)
I rather think that if your wife is happy as she says she is, you are putting her under unecessary pressure by trying to "redeam" her!!
Believe me there are pleanty of wome out thtere who will be only to happy to satisfy both you and her. She dosnt have to know, result she i shappy you are happy , everyone is happy
Stop worrying and make everyone happy
Life is short, anyone of us can drop down dead at any moment , do you really want to go to your death without haivng enjoyed yourself?
I rather think that if your wife is happy as she says she is, you are putting her under unecessary pressure by trying to "redeam" her!!
Believe me there are pleanty of wome out thtere who will be only to happy to satisfy both you and her. She dosnt have to know, result she i shappy you are happy , everyone is happy
Stop worrying and make everyone happy
Life is short, anyone of us can drop down dead at any moment , do you really want to go to your death without haivng enjoyed yourself?
Well, I may see my wife as having a problem because....I think she has, her attitude to sex is completely unhealthy in my opinion. OK she is happy with the way things are, why change??? I believe she is sexually repressed and this not only impacts on our life but on hers in terms of her self esteem. By the way, I have tried 'having a shave' now and again even a bath once a month 
As for relate the sugestion is good but how do you get someone to fix a problem if they dont think there is one? my wife would be horified at the thought of discussing our sex life with a stranger anyway so Im not to hopeful about the avenue. I dont think the Pill is an issue because she rarely used it, we used condoms for birth control.
I really dont see any way of sorting this out, I will pursue the relate thing im not sure even if we went, they could be of any use, how3 do you un repress someone?
I am aware I sound pretty selfish but after 19 years I think its a little justified.
As for relate the sugestion is good but how do you get someone to fix a problem if they dont think there is one? my wife would be horified at the thought of discussing our sex life with a stranger anyway so Im not to hopeful about the avenue. I dont think the Pill is an issue because she rarely used it, we used condoms for birth control.
I really dont see any way of sorting this out, I will pursue the relate thing im not sure even if we went, they could be of any use, how3 do you un repress someone?
I am aware I sound pretty selfish but after 19 years I think its a little justified.
My sex drive changes all the time. If I'm stressed or tired sex is the last thing on my mind. If my partner is stressed then I pick up on it and agian sex is the last thing on my mind. If I'm feeling unattractive for whatever reason (time of the month, outbreak of spots (they don't tell you about adult acne when you are a teenager do they :cry: ,if i've put on a few pounds ) my sex drive wanes.
You don't say how tactile you are with your wife. Do you give her lots of cuddles, tell her that you love her, compliment her on her appearance? My partner does this to me all the time. If I'm washing the dishes he'll come up behind me and cuddle me. He tells me he loves my and how sexy I am when we are slobbing about watching telly, doing housework etc. He isn't after anything but by being reassured and "bigged up" in this way every day I feel totally confident in myself and sexy when I'm with him. It's little gestures like this that make me get incrediably turned on when I'm around him. He thinks i'm sexy, I know he thinks I'm sexy, I feel sexy, I want sex!!
Hope this helps
You don't say how tactile you are with your wife. Do you give her lots of cuddles, tell her that you love her, compliment her on her appearance? My partner does this to me all the time. If I'm washing the dishes he'll come up behind me and cuddle me. He tells me he loves my and how sexy I am when we are slobbing about watching telly, doing housework etc. He isn't after anything but by being reassured and "bigged up" in this way every day I feel totally confident in myself and sexy when I'm with him. It's little gestures like this that make me get incrediably turned on when I'm around him. He thinks i'm sexy, I know he thinks I'm sexy, I feel sexy, I want sex!!
Hope this helps
Thanks SS, I know Im probably asking the impossible here and on the whole, the advice , like yours has been well meaning and helped to clarify things.
Couple, yes Im very tactile, with my wife and kids, no one goes short of a cuddle in this house. as for my wife I have lost count the number of times I have kissed and licked every square centimetre of her body, also lost count of the massages. She doea enjoy it all but its always me taking the initiative and I can honestly say I can count in single figures the number of times she has, if I dont nothing happens. All I want is more reciprocation, to be surprised, more spontaneity.
Couple, yes Im very tactile, with my wife and kids, no one goes short of a cuddle in this house. as for my wife I have lost count the number of times I have kissed and licked every square centimetre of her body, also lost count of the massages. She doea enjoy it all but its always me taking the initiative and I can honestly say I can count in single figures the number of times she has, if I dont nothing happens. All I want is more reciprocation, to be surprised, more spontaneity.
I cant offer more advice than what was said above, I can sympathise having been in the same situation and I think you have handled it very well. I wont say play away or not play away, that is in the end a choice for you. I will say I understand the frustration, and worse the impact on your own self esteem. It hurts to be turned down again and again.
I feel for you and hope you find a way through this. I must say that SH helped me. Oh it caused some blazing rows, but we did finally start talking. Maybe, mad as it sounds, you need to introduce her to the site. Not with your current alias obviously, but a new one. Maybe it will open her eyes to some other ways of being, maybe not. All I can say is it worked for me in starting those rows that I mentioned, but they brought things out that made us closer. I even was allowed to go on my own to a club recently (only to watch) and the stories when I got back were devoured.
I know your own world is different, and this has taken us coming on 2 years. We may even slip back, but it has in a lot of ways saved our marriage.
I feel for you and hope you find a way through this. I must say that SH helped me. Oh it caused some blazing rows, but we did finally start talking. Maybe, mad as it sounds, you need to introduce her to the site. Not with your current alias obviously, but a new one. Maybe it will open her eyes to some other ways of being, maybe not. All I can say is it worked for me in starting those rows that I mentioned, but they brought things out that made us closer. I even was allowed to go on my own to a club recently (only to watch) and the stories when I got back were devoured.
I know your own world is different, and this has taken us coming on 2 years. We may even slip back, but it has in a lot of ways saved our marriage.
She's not broken, so she doesn't need fixing. She's simply matured and moved on in her own way, and this appears not to include sex. As a human being she has the right to do this.
But you need sex and that kind of pleasure. Its your responsibility to deal with it. An affair is usually disastrous. Divorce is not really warranted. Swinging may offer some adventures, but it is still predominately relationship oriented.
Unfortunately the Brits tend to view the use of professional sex workers as something dark and dangerous. Many people will advise against them because they have limited or no experience of them. Quality professionals are really very good with their services. They are the only ones who can just do sex. If that is all you want don't mess about with people who probably need a partner.
And most importantly don't mess about with your self.
But you need sex and that kind of pleasure. Its your responsibility to deal with it. An affair is usually disastrous. Divorce is not really warranted. Swinging may offer some adventures, but it is still predominately relationship oriented.
Unfortunately the Brits tend to view the use of professional sex workers as something dark and dangerous. Many people will advise against them because they have limited or no experience of them. Quality professionals are really very good with their services. They are the only ones who can just do sex. If that is all you want don't mess about with people who probably need a partner.
And most importantly don't mess about with your self.
Tal, thanks for your post, always good to here from those who have been or are in similar positions. If she knew I was on here she would go ballistic! but then when the dust settled???? I would be interested to hear how your wifes attitude has changed, how does she feel when she looks back to compared to where you are now? does she feel more confident now? You say it saved your marriage, how have things omproved if you dont mind me asking? (apart form you being allowed to go to a club! 
Well she is on here as SarcySue 
I think the main thing for us was getting talking again, that lead to a number of frank discussions on life and sexuality. Finally in her starting to understand mine a little more. I am lucky that she started to be more interested in me, but I also agree with those who say this is hormonal. It was for us, but compounded with the frustration that built up as this side of our lives was not working. My defence was to pull away from her to avoid the rejection, this was not good as you can imagine.
One thing we tried early on (this in our case came after our kids were born) was talking to the GP. Total waste of time, embaressed Sue and suggested she find another husband every 7 years or so... thanks Doc...
I think the main thing for us was getting talking again, that lead to a number of frank discussions on life and sexuality. Finally in her starting to understand mine a little more. I am lucky that she started to be more interested in me, but I also agree with those who say this is hormonal. It was for us, but compounded with the frustration that built up as this side of our lives was not working. My defence was to pull away from her to avoid the rejection, this was not good as you can imagine.
One thing we tried early on (this in our case came after our kids were born) was talking to the GP. Total waste of time, embaressed Sue and suggested she find another husband every 7 years or so... thanks Doc...
Sex God
Quote by pleasureseeker
As for relate the sugestion is good but how do you get someone to fix a problem if they dont think there is one? my wife would be horified at the thought of discussing our sex life with a stranger anyway so Im not to hopeful about the avenue.
Right I have been an ally - up to now! If you tell your wife that you have a problem connected with your sex lives and you tell her it is important to you and she loves you, then she will come with you to a counsellor. I now suspect that you have dismissed this because it is not what you want to do. Tread very carefully my friend - because if your agenda is just to get access to other women - you'd be best advised to either come straight out with it or shut up and get on with it. But, if that is the case don't fuck us around with all this rationalisation.
Quote by westerross
As for relate the sugestion is good but how do you get someone to fix a problem if they dont think there is one? my wife would be horified at the thought of discussing our sex life with a stranger anyway so Im not to hopeful about the avenue.
Right I have been an ally - up to now! If you tell your wife that you have a problem connected with your sex lives and you tell her it is important to you and she loves you, then she will come with you to a counsellor. I now suspect that you have dismissed this because it is not what you want to do. Tread very carefully my friend - because if your agenda is just to get access to other women - you'd be best advised to either come straight out with it or shut up and get on with it. But, if that is the case don't fuck us around with all this rationalisation.
Tuen have you been drinking? feel free to ask any woman on this site if I have ever approached any of them! I have been married 19 years, I have had opportunity to be unfaithful in the real world, I dont need to come here for that. As for the relate issue what can I say? I am talking to fucking strangers about my relationship and you think I wont go to relate? I know my wife, she would be horrified.
Sex God
Quote by tallnhairy
Feel he is just being a realist Tune... I felt the same a few months back...
Yup, so have I. And I have quite clearly concluded that if you want to stay together and if you can't talk it through as you, TnH, clearly have done and Pleasureseeker can't then you need professional help. I think Relate just happens to be the best option that will genuinely try to keep you together if it is possible (not tell you to get another husband every 7 years - where the fuck did that one come from - the boy's own booklet on marriage fixing - I'd sue him?).
If you (Pleasureseeker) calmly explained to your wife that you have a real problem and she loves you - she will want to solve it with you. She might be 'horrified' at the first suggestion but, as I keep saying, if she loves you she'll come around. You'd have to tough that one out - either way it would be a decider.
And no I haven't been drinking - right
- well not enough to cloud my judgement. I'm dead serious here. And quite frankly coming on here asking a bunch of real strangers in preference to a qualified counsellor has got to be a second best option - with due respect to others who've offered their advice. (By the way TnH is a :thumbup: guy!) Sex God
Quote by tallnhairy
(not tell you to get another husband every 7 years - where the fuck did that one come from - the boy's own booklet on marriage fixing - I'd sue him?)
This was a lady doctor, really helpful... not
:rotflmao: D'you know that thought crossed my mind - and I thought 'Naah! No woman would be so crass'. Goes to show how naive one can be.
Sex God
I remember part one as well , and also think its good you got round to talking about it . Although like others I share a concern that perhaps she isnt the only person entering the conversation with a closed mind to certain subjects .
The one thing I am sure of is that swinging heaven seems a very odd avenue to try and resolve the situation , especially when you bill yourself as a 'pleasure seeker' . I may be jaded by the plethora of people on the make on the internet , but if youre genuinely concerned about how to improve what you have perhaps appearing like you have already made your mind up about what would satify you is the wrong tack to take .
Good Luck
Peace
The one thing I am sure of is that swinging heaven seems a very odd avenue to try and resolve the situation , especially when you bill yourself as a 'pleasure seeker' . I may be jaded by the plethora of people on the make on the internet , but if youre genuinely concerned about how to improve what you have perhaps appearing like you have already made your mind up about what would satify you is the wrong tack to take .
Good Luck
Peace
Sex God
Edit: sod it, can't be arsed :shock: 
Sex God
Quote by duncanlondon
Unfortunately the Brits tend to view the use of professional sex workers as something dark and dangerous. Many people will advise against them because they have limited or no experience of them. Quality professionals are really very good with their services. They are the only ones who can just do sex. If that is all you want don't mess about with people who probably need a partner.
And most importantly don't mess about with your self.
Yeah thatll do it Duncan mate , habitual use of prostituition will always solve marital problems . Its no use trying to make suggestions to the bloke about how he can get uncomplicated sex , as long as he keeps insisting that what he wants is a resolution to his partnership . If all he wanted was a quick shag ( and thats frankly very possible) then he wouldnt really have a problem as he describes it .
"...clearly have done and Pleasureseeker can't then you need professional help. I think Relate just happens to be the best option that will genuinely try to keep you together.."
TE, I can and am very willing to.
As for coming on here and asking starngers as opposed to seeking professional help???? its actually been helpful and clarifed issues, hadnt T&H tried 'professional' help?
of course had I sought professional help, one of the benefits would have been to bypass the suspicion and paranoia Ive been met with, does anyone seriously think that if anyone wanted to pick up women, they would come on here and post the way I have????
My wife may well come round but as Ive pointed out, 19 years of marriage and no recognition of any problem doesnt fill me with hope.
M wife does love reading and when the book, suggested previously, arrives I will read it and suggest she does, it may trigger some kind of response and open new avenues to discuss, maybe then if she feels all is not right, relate might be more feasable.
TE, I can and am very willing to.
As for coming on here and asking starngers as opposed to seeking professional help???? its actually been helpful and clarifed issues, hadnt T&H tried 'professional' help?
of course had I sought professional help, one of the benefits would have been to bypass the suspicion and paranoia Ive been met with, does anyone seriously think that if anyone wanted to pick up women, they would come on here and post the way I have????
My wife may well come round but as Ive pointed out, 19 years of marriage and no recognition of any problem doesnt fill me with hope.
M wife does love reading and when the book, suggested previously, arrives I will read it and suggest she does, it may trigger some kind of response and open new avenues to discuss, maybe then if she feels all is not right, relate might be more feasable.
