Quite similar to Bilko's.
Sleeping off a few beers one New Years Eve's night at my mates house, I'd managed to get an easy chair for myself. Other mates were scattered around the room as I went on to slip into quite a deep sleep.
Woke up with a raging stiffy and a wet feeling on my hand. I'd gone one step further than the sarge and had a full wank while my mates watched on.
Because it happened in front of my mates, it beats the second most embarrasing moment - being caught in bed with a woman, by her son, who was older than me - into a cocked hat.
{Mines a re-post from waaaaaay down the forum - fits the bill though !}
Well, a previous partner and I had taken the day of work (well, we'd both called in sick) and we literally didn't get out of bed. It was, indeed, more than a little mad and we got to the stage of challenging each other.
She picked me showing my skills as a cunning linguist and I wasn't allowed to come up for air until she allowed me to stop. Some 50+ solid minutes later (and a sore retaining tendon at the base of my tongue) a rather surprised and dishevelled partner stood up to nip to the loo having had enough.
A shout and a loud series of bumps later it transpired that she'd underestimated whether her legs were still in working order, rather than the jelly they'd been turned to, and she'd fallen down the stairs !
The embarrasing bit ?
Let me tell you that when sitting in the docs that afternoon with her as he asked what had caused the bruising on her was a picture - she spat the drink she had across his desk with laughter and we both blushed like a neon bulb !!!! The doc never knew what really happened but I've always wondered what HE assumed it was !
Carpathian
Back in 1978, I was in the Merchant Navy and flew out to join a ship in Aqaba, Jordan. While waiting its delayed arrival I stayed in a hotel for about two weeks. I was totally on my own, knowing no-one there and virtually nothing about the place. There was not a great deal to do to pass the time other than wander around town, laze about
on the beach and swim in the sea.
I had visited a few souvenir type shops and noticed sharks teeth and jaws for sale. Remember this was ‘78, the film Jaws had only recently been released and for its time it was a very scary movie. I was about 18, green as grass, but couldn’t or
wouldn’t admit it - teenage bravado and all that.
Anyway, one afternoon, bored and killing time, I was swimming in the crystal clear waters looking down onto the coral and its wildlife. Directly underneath me I saw a big shape, gliding among the outcrops. I didn’t know what it was, wasn’t too worried at that stage, but thought it advisable to change direction. I set off swimming perpendicular to my previous course, but glancing down I saw the beast immediately do the same. A vision of that head falling out of the bottom of the boat in the film came to me, ringing the first notes of alarm. Again I set off at a different angle, heading back to the beach, and swimming faster. The beast again mirrored my action, keeping pace, and the panic began to set in. I zigzagged back and forth trying to swim as fast as I could, but the
thing effortlessly stalked me and as I moved into shallower water and it hugged the bottom we moved closer together. By this time I had abandoned any effort to stay looking cool and was practically running across the surface of the water like a pond-skater. I didn’t want to put my legs down onto the bottom because that is where IT was and I was sure it would just snap one off for a snack I was s***ting myself, desperately trying to empty my lungs of the gallons of seawater I had swallowed and fill them with air to scream for help.
Looking up as I staggered exhausted from the water I could see rows of concerned faces staring at me and it was just at that point that I realised that the monster was in fact...... my shadow. Try explaining that when you can’t speak the language.
Gordon.
when me and the missus first got together i used to travel to liverpool she had teenage kids so her house was a no go so we used to go out in the car ended up one night at a car park lookin out on the mersey one thing led to another and i'm now in the passengers seat she's between my legs kneeling in front of me sucking away i'm lay there eyes shut when she suddenly gasps and jumps then say's who the fooks that i turn my head to see a copper lookin in the back passengers window shaking his head then he gets in to a car and just goe's she's still shocked and all i could do was laught.
come on you must have something
My moment was when i came home from work early one day and found my then wife having sex with the guy next door, i didnt know where to look cos i had borrowed his hedge clippers 3 months previous and still not returned them!!!
My better half will never live this down.....
he was about 17 & out for the night with his straight laced girlfriend, and was about to return her as promised by 11pm to her even more straight laced parents.
Before leaving the pub, he visited the gents- bear in mind this was when ultra tight jeans were trendy.
The poor sod trapped his willy in his flies & ended up covered in blood. A couple of hours later, he emerged fom the large City hospitals A&E unit.
This was a teeming saturday night....and those jeans were not accommodating- poor git had to loeave the hospital with his bandaged willy hanging outside his jeans!!!!
To make matters worse, he then had to go to the parents in that state & explain why their daughter was so late!!! Oh to be a fly on the wall........
I have a very "clean" embarrasing moment, a couple of years ago I took on a local radio challenge to sing a song live on air. Not embarrasing? It was the "shake'N'vac" song!!!!
Well....my list of embarsing moments can fill a book....
ummm most of mine are not sexual....mainly just me being stupid....
1) skateboarding down a slide...
2) running in to 5 a side football cross bar
3) running in to a steel fence in the dark..
4) smashing my front room windows (big bay type things)
5) pulling my neck getting out of bed - trip to hospital....
6) ummmm smashing bumper on car whilst doggin.
MikeC
Well it didn't embarrass me at the time, but did in my teens when my parents brought it up at every opportunity....
Apparently I was about 5 when my parents took me to a zoo.. I was watching the monkeys with fascination, especially the pair that were indulging in carnal relations at the time (ahhh so that's where the voyeur in me started) Anyway when the male monkey finished it got off the other one and ran off.... I looked up at my dad and said "Well he didn't like that much did he dad?" Mum was last seen running away bright red and denying all knowledge of my existance while my dad collapsed in a fit of giggles next to me
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:lol: 
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: 
:? 
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