Newbie in need of advice

25 Oct 2003

Hi, this is my first post smile

Before anyone reads my post without knowing anything about me, here I go... I'm single, 30, male and live in Exeter, Devon.
I've had a taster of this scene and from what I've experienced so far I've thoroughly enjoyed it and was wondering how someone actually gets seriously involved? I stumbled across this site completely by chance and having read a few posts, it seems a very friendly forum.
I've no idea what resources are available out there and no idea where to start looking so any advice would be extremely grateful.

26 Oct 2003

Hi Elske
So what experience is it you say you've had?
I think the biggest problem people find when they first consider the notion of swinging is not casting enough thought into exactly what swinging is and what they want to gain from it.
For me, it's a life style choice. I choose not to confine myself to one person sexually... but I have a great many friends who I still consider myself close to. Most people would consider me greedy :twisted: and they'd be dead right of course.... but I can't for the life of me understand folks that stay with one partner through a sense of loyalty rather than a sense of passion.
Swinging for me isn't about a quick way of getting your rocks of. It's about the giving and recieving of freedom to do what you like with whom you like whether it involve a regular partner or not. Ask Kitkat about whether their relationship is ten times stronger than most of their peers? I know it is; we can all see the evidence of it because they give each other freedom yet they *choose* to stay a couple...
So what is swinging about for you, Elske?
Hxx

26 Oct 2003

Hiya Elske,

So what is swinging about for you, Elske?

Heather is right, it is a lifestyle choice, and you will find many different lifestyles in here.
The last question H asked is the first for you, what are you looking for?
Yes, KitKat and I have a strong relationship (and I do mean relationship as opposed to marraige - this is about us and how we feel about each other, not wedding vows). Looking for a nutshell to put it all in now.
So if we are so happy why do we want to swing? It has brought a level of openess, honesty and trust into our relationship which is 10 times greater than what we had before.
Which is lovely for us, but what has that got to do with a 30 yr old single male? That's the easy bit - SEX! hump

That is where what we want and what you want come together! :twisted:
But we are not looking for blokes who are here just cos they are bored with wanking, too lazy to work on a relationship and too mean to go and pay for a prostitute! mad

And neatly back to H's question, What is swinging about for you??
lhk
Kat

27 Oct 2003

About a year ago I was in an open relationship. This was because we had complete trust in each other and knew that the other person would stay with them (me & her). We occasionally engaged in threesomes and found this very enjoyable and posed no risk to our relationship. Unfortunately, we separated. The main reason being she has to soon return to her native country sad

I have a couple very close female friends and after a couple deep conversations with them (like we often do) over the past few weeks we've come to the conclusion that men find it easier to deparate the physical loving feelings of sex than women do. For men it's all external as for women it's internal - being penetrated (if this makes any sense! confused

) which is why women when in a relationship find it more difficult to swing.
Out of all my past relationships I've found most of the women would never dream of having sex with another man. For me, personally I find it a great turn-on watching my partner have sex with another man and afterwards joining in. At this point I feel I must add that I'm completely 100% heterosexual ;)
Yes, I'm going to be honest and say it is about sex but with more variety. Everyone is different and everyone enjoys different things. For example, one ex of mine was into some things I wasn't so she was able to enjoy what she liked with someone else - anal sex (although I admit to having never tried it myself)
H, I would have to agree with you completely, it is a lifestyle.
Many thanks to you both for a friendly reply smile

27 Oct 2003

Glad we could help Elske. So are you going to hang around??

Out of all my past relationships I've found most of the women would never dream of having sex with another man.

As a pedant (which is apparantly nothing to do with sex). And before anyone else does it. Are you sure about this statement? If you mean dream as in most women would not fantasise about having sex with another man (or woman, or more than one of each), I would disagree.
If you mean dream in the sense that they would not consider actually doing something to make the dream a reality. Then I would agree.
I too have some close female friends, and have had deep, meaningful, and usually drunken conversations, and probably know as much if not more than their partners about their sexual fantasies (boy, is Kit going to pick that one up - trust is not about knowing everything about each other; it is about not being afraid of the things you do not know - I hope!). Women are just as capable of fantasising, but socially it is less acceptable to act on those fantasies.

For men it's all external as for women it's internal - being penetrated (if this makes any sense! )

Might make sense for the likes of you and I, and the partners we have experienced, but for others, is utter nonsense! Different strokes and all that. But I think you went on to say that anyway!
You seem pretty sure about where you are right now Elske, Just trying to find a direction to go in??
lhk
Aunty Kat
wink

27 Oct 2003

If I could chip in the female perspective here (however much he tries, Kat will never pass himself off as 'Aunty' lol

)?
Elske, I think you're female friends show signs of a lack of confidence, experience or honesty about their true feelings... and I do realise that's a bold statement to make about people I've never met. But I too would have replied much the same thing as they did *before* I had my first experience.
Don't forget, Elske, that you being a male heterosexual are a potential sexual partner - I'm tempted to use the word 'preditor' - and no end of cosy chats, Friday night Baltis, or drunken revelling in the streets is ever going to separate their minds from the fact you have a blue veined salami and you want to play sink the sausage. Underneath the 'emotional' card we play when pressed about our sexual feelings, we're thinking 'I wonder if he'd go down on me...?' or questions very similar.
Society has conditioned women to stay faithful and loyal. Nice women don't shag strangers. Nice women don't have multiple partners. And our language has invited dozens of derisory to describe women who do. Slag. Slapper. Tart. Whore. Floozey. Trollop..... How many insulting are there to describe men who screw 8 different girls in one night?
Thinking about all this... is it any wonder why your female friends evade a sexual confrontation rather than risk losing face and your respect by confessing to the fact their knickers are well and trully wet just by discussing the subject? :twisted:
It takes courage and confidence to act out our sexual fantasies. And of course not all women will actually want to. But a whole lot more women *do* like the idea of multiple partners, casual sex, etc. than will confess to it to a bloke in the first place. Especially a bloke we class as a strickly platonic friend.
Hope this give you food for thought.
Hxx

27 Oct 2003

Yes, I will hang around, I like it here 8)
KitKat, yes, I definitely am sure about that statement. I know like with some fantasies they're best kept fantasies for whatever reason but this is one thing I'm certain about.
I did mean dream as in make it a reality.
I believe I am pretty sure where I am, so yes, it would be a case of finding a direction to go in. I consider myself to be very open minded but I do have my limits. There are some things I know have no effect on me and some things that do.

28 Oct 2003

If I could be so bold as to propose a "gender-neutral" perspective on this thread, if I may redface

.
First, you are all right - some women dream about group sex but most never do it, a lot for the same reason as H said (negative stereotypes etc etc) and it does actually take rather a strong woman to go against what society has told her for the last few centuries and actually go out and get the fun she wants (if group sex is what she wants, of course!). Second, once a woman has decided that it is what she wants, she may be put off actually getting it because of certain experiences that she might have along the way - for example, a lot of women go to swingers clubs but get put off the whole idea of it by the sheer volume of men who all want to shag her at once! I took a female friend of mine swinging a few months ago and she couldn't handle the amount of men that were there (not their fault, I guess, but that's the facts of the situation! :shock: ) all wanting her! I don't think it is so much about actual penetration, as a lot of swinging does not actually involve penetration, more about expectation and being overwhelmed all at the same time confused

Now, I said I was going to offer a "gender-neutral" approach to this, and here goes... My partner is a bi male and I am a bi female (though prefer cock 90% of the time :P ), I prefer not to be penetrated (though sucking is fine!), while he prefers to be "sub" and sometimes that does involve penetration. So, we're in a sort of "role -reversal" situation, in our heads and in our actions with each other and when others are involved too. When we go to clubs that hold bi-nights, we both tend to get surrounded by guys wanting us both, and it is just as off-putting for my partner as it was for my female friend some time ago. My point is, it's not really gender that is important, but what each of us wants to do sexually. Some women and men love to be absolutely surrounded by guys, but most don't. Some people like 3somes, others find them too boring. There is such a wide variety of swinging types that sometimes it is difficult to know what you want let alone find someone who is talking on the same wave-length as you.
I've no idea what the original point was, but I hope this helps someone at sometime - I need a lie down! :shock:

29 Oct 2003

After reading your latest reply I suddenly realised just how many of my female friends at some point in a long & serious conversation change the subject to sex... :shock:
All walks of life - university students, housewives, divorcees etc.
About 8 or 10 years ago I shared a house with five women aged 18-22 - I was the only male. Some evenings some of us sat in the lounge having a natter just to pass the time, some times there was a large amount of alcohol present because everyone was getting ready for a night on the town. I remember there being a pattern. No-one would bring the topic of sex up until it was started by two of the girls. Once it had been started it was the only topic until our taxis turned up...!

29 Oct 2003

I think Heather is right. No matter how frank the converstaion is with female friends there is always a point where they wont go beyond. Its probably because there are a load of repressed relationships out there I guess. redface

Quote by Elske
About a year ago I was in an open relationship. This was because we had complete trust in each other and knew that the other person would stay with them (me & her). We occasionally engaged in threesomes and found this very enjoyable and posed no risk to our relationship. Unfortunately, we separated. The main reason being she has to soon return to her native country

Sounds like someone that I was seeing a while back. She wouldnt happen to be from Italy?