Oh God I feel ill

5 Sep 2005

Hi guys
I have just done something bad sad

- I looked in my boyfriends email.
I knew his passwords as I set up his account for him and he has never changed them. He always said I could look whenever I wanted as he had nothing to hide but have never done it until today. I always said I trusted him and didn't have to look.
So what changed? He has been quite quiet and we haven't contacted each other as much as usual recently (its a long distance relationship)so I figured something was up and while I was checking my emails I would have a quick peak at his.
I found an email from another swining site addressed to him and another girl. It was his initial registration so I used the passwords they had emailed and logged on to that web site (its not as nice as this one!!) and looked at his profile and sure enough he is registered as a couple with someone else. :shock:
Her profile is really similar to me same height hair colour etc and even a mention of a nipple ring.
That is making me feel worse; he asked me to get mine a few months ago all of a sudden and I keep thinking was it because of this other female? When he asked he said it would be something special between us etc etc.
Also this female sound so like me its as if he has tried to replace me with a clone.
So even though we have an open relationship we are supposed to tell each other when we meet people but I have heard nothing about this woman. I don't even know if its technically cheating as it is an open relationship. I just feel confused and betrayed. Worse thing is I have to see him tomorrow and I don't know how to react. I cant tell him how upset I am or even why because it would mean saying I finally didn't trust him enough to look at his emails.
Am I being stupid reacting like this?
Should I admit to what I have done?
Should I just dump him?
Should I ask him if he has just got my name wrong?????
Has he technically done anything wrong
When will I stop shaking and feeling sick??
Answers to the usual place!!!!!
Katy
xxx

5 Sep 2005

Well I'd certainly suggest that your boyfriend changes his password so that you can no longer read his private messages. If I was him, I'd be fuming right now.
:shock:

5 Sep 2005

Quote by bluexxx
Well I'd certainly suggest that your boyfriend changes his password so that you can no longer read his private messages. If I was him, I'd be fuming right now.
:shock:

Well he did say she could look whenever she wanted and didn't change the password, so I don't see a problem with her looking at his email. If he'd wanted it to remain private then he could very easily have taken steps to make it so.
Unless it's been encrypted email isn't exactly private anyway - it's sent in plain text across public networks with many opportunities for somebody to take a copy to read at their leisure.

5 Sep 2005

Hmmmm tough one. You buggered up by looking in his emails, big bad. And even though 2 rights don't make a wrong, if he is with someone else thats worse in a different league.
Maybe he is advertizing as a couple on this inferior site, but using you as a his partner. He should have told you of course. Maybe he is one of these "single males" who pose as a couple.
You have some hard choices ahead... maybe email him the link to this page???? And see what happens.

5 Sep 2005

have you considered that maybe ther IS no other girl.. and as the description of the girl who sounds identical to you, maybe really IS you, or that's who he is describing anyway.
He may have registered for a bit of private chat with some people, he may not have actually done anything, and as you say you have an open relationship.. is this against your rules or do you always agree to tell the other what you get up to?

5 Sep 2005

Quote by Deviated Prevert
Well I'd certainly suggest that your boyfriend changes his password so that you can no longer read his private messages. If I was him, I'd be fuming right now.
:shock:

Well he did say she could look whenever she wanted and didn't change the password, so I don't see a problem with her looking at his email. If he'd wanted it to remain private then he could very easily have taken steps to make it so.
True, which implies that the boyfriend didn't think that there would be a problem, seeing as the relationship is open... or else of course he would have taken steps to avoid himself being found out if he was planning to cheat.
I'd never give anyone access to my personal email, exactly for this reason....... but anyway, Katy, why don't you just ask him who this woman is... as he has given you access to his emails, I'm sure he'd be happy to tell you........... anyways, nowt to do with me, don't even know why I'm replying to this thread confused

:? :? :?

5 Sep 2005

Its a account.
He asked me to set it up so he could MSN but he has only talked to me on it once in 3 months.
We talked about the email address 2 weeks ago as I was teasing him that I never got emails from it so I guessed he hardly used it and he should access it before it got cluttered with junk emails.
He told me then to go in and do it but I declined telling him to do it himself. So he has given me permission to look I just feel bad about looking because I always trusted that I didn't have to look (if that makes sense)
And if he isn't trying to hide this new swinging partner why hasn't he registered on this site with her? Would it be because he knows I go on this site so try and sort out our fantasy??
I think I will ask him tomorrow. I didn't think about the whole no other woman thing.
It is open but we ALWAYS tell about what we are doing whether it is just chatting on forums or actually pulling someone in a club.
Katy
xxxxx

5 Sep 2005

maybe he just wants to explore his own fantasy on another site..
it may well just be text and chat, you dont know.
but really, if you are this concerned then i should ask him, come clean and be honest.
as you say, if he gave you permission he may not be too mad.
Maybe this open relationship just aint for you!

5 Sep 2005

Trouble is its kind of open one sided.
The most I do is chat on forums or msn to people he is the one who picks people up in clubs. Up til now he has left the whole swinging thing for me to organise. Although its our fantasy to have someone with us its his fantasy for me to organise it. So I am confuesed with what I found
I guess we have lots to talk about. I shall drag him off tomorrow and chat to him about it. Maybe we can work something out.
I have made our relationship sound terrible - its not really I guess I am just a bit down at the moment
Katy
xxx

5 Sep 2005

Another opinion, although no one can answer this, it will be for you to decide where you go.
I think this comes down to if he has been hiding this from you. Honesty is important, and lack of it indicates problems with a relationship. There is as others have said a good chance the 'other' woman is you, but there is the chance that she is someone else and he was modelling you on her.
I suppose it all comes down to what he says, and I would personally talk this out. I have told Mrs TnH things that have caused arguements rather than keep them hidden. (Not that total honesty at all times is good, I have spared feelings by hiding the truth before).
After all he did allow you into the account, he can't complain that you looked. I would most likely ask about the email account, is it in use at the moment, etc. If he gets evasive, then there may be somthing hidden. If not then it may start the discussion you were looking for. Or you can mention that you took his advice and read through it to start the talking.
As I say where you go from there is up to you. For me 'Cheating' is not a reason to end a relationship, it is a sign that there is somthing wrong with it. (Cheating being going behind a partners back as opposed to any specific act). The somthing wrong may be fixable, or not. The choice to end a relationship should not be based on cheating alone in my opinion.
My main concern here would be if he was modelling you on someone else, and this is worst case don't forget. In that case this has gone beyond cheating into exploitation.
However there is equally, in fact I would say a greater chance that there is a logical explanation for this. If he was really hiding he would have used another account for it. You say that he has left all the organising to you, and it sounds like you don't like that.
Consider the posibility that he wanted to take some of that leg work away from you. So he may have simply been checking out another site (to see if it would be any good) with a fantasy lady. Based this non-existant lady on you (which is a good sign) with somthing he likes (i.e. the nipple ring) which is why he asked you to get one.
Take a deep breath, remember there are people there for you in any event, and talk to him sooner rather than later. Don't let this eat away at you.
Hugs
TnH

5 Sep 2005

I think it sounds like there is NO other woman, and that he does like you ver much. But I also think that you might not be as comfortable with the idea of an open relationship as you think you are.
You definately need to talk with him to remove whatever fears have built up inside of you... but after you have done that you need to look at why you were so quick to jump to a fully fledged idea of another woman and what sounds like almost a double life. Tackle the insecurities around that and you will be on to a very good solid relationship.
I do think you both need to discuss what you are getting from an open relationship, and what you REALLY REALLY WANT to get from it... and perhaps jiggle the ground rules around a bit... otherwise Jelousy might eat you up one day when your not looking.

5 Sep 2005

If it was only a couple of weeks ago that he gave you permission to go into his account then come clean and mention that you noticed this other ad.
It does sound to me that the details he has entered on this "other woman" are in fact your details. If he has given you permission to look in his account then he must be pretty dense to keep info about an affair in his inbox. If there was another woman there would more than likely be the odd email from her to him in the inbox. The chances are he has decided to join a new site with you in mind, but for some reason not mentioned it.
The only way you can put your mind at rest is to talk to him!
Good luck biggrin

Les x

5 Sep 2005

Maybe he put the advert on, for the both of you dunno

So it is you he is describing biggrin

He may also have hoped you would read his e-mail, to see what your reaction was confused

Just another way of looking at it :D

5 Sep 2005

If the other woman sounds a bit like you. I would question his mental state I mean why would any guy want two woman exactly the same as each other that just sounds weird to me. confused

:

5 Sep 2005

you could contact him through his ad using a different email address to normal, arrange a meet, if he tells you about it then it's you & if he donesn't.......

5 Sep 2005

Quote by meat2pleaseu
you could contact him through his ad using a different email address to normal, arrange a meet, if he tells you about it then it's you & if he donesn't.......

That made me think of this..........
I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long.
Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song.
So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed.
And in the personals column, there was this letter I read:
"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me, and escape."
I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean.
But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine.
So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad.
And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half-bad.
"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape.
At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape."
So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face.
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you."
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew"..
"That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."
"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."

5 Sep 2005

Quote by Angel Chat
you could contact him through his ad using a different email address to normal, arrange a meet, if he tells you about it then it's you & if he donesn't.......

That made me think of this..........
I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long.
Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song.
So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed.
And in the personals column, there was this letter I read:
"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me, and escape."
I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean.
But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine.
So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad.
And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half-bad.
"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape.
At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape."
So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face.
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you."
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew"..
"That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."
"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."
flat fingertips are not attractive

5 Sep 2005

Quote by meat2pleaseu
you could contact him through his ad using a different email address to normal, arrange a meet, if he tells you about it then it's you & if he donesn't.......

That made me think of this..........
I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long.
Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song.
So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed.
And in the personals column, there was this letter I read:
"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me, and escape."
I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean.
But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine.
So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad.
And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half-bad.
"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape.
At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape."
So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face.
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you."
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew"..
"That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."
"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."
flat fingertips are not attractive
Maybe not attractive..... but extremely useful ;)
(I copied it from a lyrics site, I didn't know all the words myself :P )

5 Sep 2005

I suppose wales loosing at the weekend didn't help rolleyes

6 Sep 2005

I think you should fess up and tell him you accessed his email account..
Just be up front about it and say "I opened your email the other day and this is what I saw, would you care to explain what this other ad is about?"
If he says its you then ask him why he didn't tell you. If it's someone else then you have another set of problems to deal with.

6 Sep 2005

I had the same kind of problem wiv me ex....(tho it wasnt a case of her accessing my mails)...i had gone to make a cuppa...and while i was gone she had taken the oppertunity to have a good root about in me bedroom....
i return upstairs big smile and 2 cuppas...to b confronted by a face like a slapped arse and extreme moodyness....i asked if she was ok..."fine" etc etc....this went on for 2 hours....
finally she triumphantly pulls out an old valentines card from the girl i had been seein b4 her...."WTF...why the f**k u still got this....etc etc"....(i didnt even know i still had it....was in amongst all me old bank statements and assorted paperwork)
Like i explained to her....u should never skulk about and root thru sum1s stuff...cos u never know what u will find....and ur always bound to find summit that u dont wanna see.....
In relation to you finding this mail in your fellas inbox....i think the best thing u can do is sit him down...and ask him....u can make assumptions...but the only way your goin 2 get to the bottom of it...is to ask him...Hope all goes well wen u do rolleyes

6 Sep 2005

Having read through peoples replies (very impressed by TallnHairy's) I would comment on one thing... you say that you are in an open relationship.. but by the simple act of you posting this thread it would suggest that you have feelings for the person... Is it an open relationship that you really crave with this person?
I think the ONE line to sum up this issue is from a Savage Garden song.. no... dont groan at me
"I believe that trust is more important than monomagy"
In fact i think that that should be every swingers motto and hold it dear to them..... really no one... no one.. can do this as a couple if you dont trust the other person.... fair enough.. sex is sex.. we all get horny and we all do daft things in the heat of the moment (ooo dont go there!)... but at the end of the day..... i personally think that if a gf of mine had slept with someone.. fair enough.. but if they had gone on dates together.. that would hurt SOOOO much more.....
Its a question of knowing that that person isnt going to go off with someone else.
Choices are:
1) Say to him that you'd like you BOTH to pull outta the swinging scene for a little while
2) Make it a short distance relationship
3) Tell him that your doing a clean out of internet profiles.. and ask him if hes got any profiles too
4) Give him some cuddles. and just say "i love you to bits... i know this is an open relationship.. but please please tell me if you go with other people, just like to know"
Take care and always be happy

6 Sep 2005

wish I'd said that :thumbup:

8 Sep 2005

ok its thursday, have you seen him yet , what happened?
xx fem xxx

8 Sep 2005

Quote by Katy
Hi guys
I have just done something bad - I looked in my boyfriends email.
I knew his passwords as I set up his account for him and he has never changed them. He always said I could look whenever I wanted as he had nothing to hide but have never done it until today. I always said I trusted him and didn't have to look.
So what changed? He has been quite quiet and we haven't contacted each other as much as usual recently (its a long distance relationship)so I figured something was up and while I was checking my emails I would have a quick peak at his.
I found an email from another swining site addressed to him and another girl. It was his initial registration so I used the passwords they had emailed and logged on to that web site (its not as nice as this one!!) and looked at his profile and sure enough he is registered as a couple with someone else. :shock:
Her profile is really similar to me same height hair colour etc and even a mention of a nipple ring.
That is making me feel worse; he asked me to get mine a few months ago all of a sudden and I keep thinking was it because of this other female? When he asked he said it would be something special between us etc etc.
Also this female sound so like me its as if he has tried to replace me with a clone.
So even though we have an open relationship we are supposed to tell each other when we meet people but I have heard nothing about this woman. I don't even know if its technically cheating as it is an open relationship. I just feel confused and betrayed. Worse thing is I have to see him tomorrow and I don't know how to react. I cant tell him how upset I am or even why because it would mean saying I finally didn't trust him enough to look at his emails.
Am I being stupid reacting like this?
Should I admit to what I have done?
Should I just dump him?
Should I ask him if he has just got my name wrong?????
Has he technically done anything wrong
When will I stop shaking and feeling sick??
Answers to the usual place!!!!!
Katy
xxx

It looks as though you've had lots of decent advice. However, my advice would be to....
....get your own back and come visit me!!! wink

:rascal: