One liners

28 Nov 2004

A jump lead walks into a bar, the barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything..."
Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in".
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'well, that's a turn-up for the books."
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Jehoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter...
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
He said "You remind me of a pepper pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
So a lorry-load of Tortoises crashed into a trainload of Terrapins, I thought "That's a Turtle disaster".
Four fonts walk into my local bar. The barman says "Oi get out! We don't want your type in here"
Two peanuts walk into the same bar. One was asalted...
A man walks into the bar a couple of days later, with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" .... "It's not unusual, he said."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled under by a strong currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.