One Woman's Tale of Woe
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady,
scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. My night
began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought
that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few
hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my
demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax"
kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the
strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or
wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No
muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean,I'm not a
genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to
figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips
facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing
them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the
hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold
the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it
wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can
do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am
She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of
smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I
move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back
into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on
the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax
strip across the right side of my bikini line,
covering the right half of my vagina and stretching
down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a
long strip) I inhale deeply and brace
myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from
pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I
notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!
Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass
out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing
drums???
Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one
that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt
sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is
my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS
THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still
perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that
should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of
my body,which is now covered in cold wax and matted
hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my
foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need
to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!!
I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed
shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the
bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to
myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My
head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot
water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest
water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse
the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can
gently wipe It off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than
that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize
surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse
than having your nether regions glued together, is
having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by
the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to
the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had
convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in
the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely
she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get
me undone. It's a very good conversation starter -
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the
bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She
doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she
does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to
know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking
cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by
now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she
suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone
else's night. While we go through various solutions.
I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing
feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered
in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By
now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a
major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My
friend is still talking with me when I finally see my
saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the
excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this
point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream
probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of
my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation
from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully
remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL
THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly
shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color.....
:lol:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: 
A fireman or 3 maybe 
:rascal: 
