feck them come all u lovely ppl we all tell listen and laugh at them come on lets make a social document here of all ur best un pc jokes
> > Subject: Three drunken women
> >
> > Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early
> > morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they
> > all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
> >
> > The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove
> > straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through
> > the door I blew chunks for 10 minutes."
> >
> > The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car
> > and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have
> > insurance!"
> >
> > The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got
> > home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle
> > over, and burned the whole f**king house down!" The room was silent
> > for a moment.
> >
> > Then, the first girl spoke out again, " Listen girls, I don't think
> > you understand...Chunks is my dog."
so come on it doesn't make u terrible people
A Dog Named Sex.
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
lucy
nice 1 babe how r things noth of the border
Little Johnny
>
>A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a
>sentence. Molly said. "My family went to the New York City Zoo and
>we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
>
>The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
>fascinate". Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue
>of
>Liberty and I was "fascinated". The teacher said, "Well, that was good,
>Sally, but I want the word 'fascinate.'"
>
>Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny
>was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way
>he could damage the word 'fascinate,' so she called on him. Little Johnny
>said, " My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so
>f**king big, she can only fasten eight."
it was truely brightened a few wednesdays ago when we were gracied with the bonny lass from north of the border in manchester
is it really true that u r all political correct
bah humbug to u all
What's the difference between a terrorist and a woman on pmt....
You can bargain with a terrorist.
What's the difference between a battery and a woman.
A battery has a positive side.
Why do women wear white to get married??
All good domestic appliances come in white...
A man walks (well waddles) into the doctors surgery.
The Doctors asks what he can do for today. The bloke says "well it's touch embarrassing it's easier if i show you"
So the man drops his pants and bends over. The doc takes a look and the blokes arse is gapping with blood all over - in a right state.
The Doctor is shocked and asks what happened.
The man explained he'd just been on safari in Africa where an African Bull Elephant him.
The doctor replies ""Mmm Thats really strange, cause in my spare time i am a bit of a zoological expert, and i know the bull elephant's penis is extremly long but incredibly narrow, so i don't see how your arse is like that.
The bloke replies - " i know about his knob, but
he fingered me first!!!"
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible
language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.
"When did you use this awful language? " asks the Mother Superior.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was
going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a telephone line that's hanging over
the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards. "
"Is that when you swore?
"No, Mother, " says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed
my ball in its mouth and began to run away.
"Is THAT when you swore? " asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no. " says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out
of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!
"Is THAT when you swore? " asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws,
it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.
"Did you swear THEN? " asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.
The two nuns were silent for a moment . . . .
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?
I've stole this one from an earlier thread but it had me lmao.
Scotsman is wondering about a park,
butt naked except for a doc martin on his cock
Park warden asks'
'oi, wit you dain?'
'Nothing' says the scotsman,
'just fuckin aboot'
Maureen and I went to the pictures to see a mildly pornographic film.
Maureen is very broad-minded so I was surprised to notice that she was becoming a little uncomfortable. "Are you Ok?" I asked.
"It's this man next to me," she said, "he's masturbating."
"Ignore him," I said, "pretend he's not there."
"I can't," she said, "he's using my hand!"
What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather...kinky is using the whole chicken
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured
princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on
the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a
handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young
prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in
your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my
clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to
herself:
I don't f***ing think so......
A policeman saw a car speeding along on the motorway..
Glancing at the car, he was astonished to see a blonde behind the wheel, knitting.
The policeman cranked down his window and yelled:
“PULL OVER!â€
“NO,†yelled the blonde, “SCARF!â€
Two blondes are driving down the motorway when they hear an announcement, "Motorists are advised to drive carefully as there are reports of one car driving in the wrong direction down the motorway".
The blonde in the passenger seat turns to the other and says, "ONE!! There's bloody hundreds of them!".
ok hearsone for you all.
3 Nuns Die & go to heaven. St Peters meet themat the gate. You have to answer a question to get in he says.
first nun What was the name of Adams wife? She answers Eve so get in.
Second nun Where did they live. She says Garden of Eden & gets in.
Now the third is the Mother Suprior so he says the Question has to be more difficult.
What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?
Hmmmm Thats A Hard One,
Ok in you go says Peter
An aging pirate of the high seas was talking with a mate one day about his pending retirement. "You ought to be compensated for your peg leg, hook for a hand and the patch on your eye," said the mate. "You might want to check it out before retiring." So the pirate went to the compensation board to see for himself. "How did you loose your leg?" asked the clerk behind the counter. "Well me and my maties was sailing the high seas one day when the boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me leg." Replied the pirate. "OK", said the clerk, "How did you loose your hand?" "Well me and my maties were sailing the high seas one day and the boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me hand." The clerk wrote down his response again, looked up, noticing the patch on his eye asked, "Is that how you lost your eye? "Oh no, said the pirate, One day me and the maties were sailing the high seas and a sea gull landed on the boom. I looked up and it shit in me eye." "You don't loose an eye that way!" scoffed the clerk. "But it was the first day with me new hook!" the pirate cried.
jammy cunt
