We're still pretty new to the scene and only joined SH at the start of April, so we're still finding our way a bit with various questions of etiquette, behaviour and what we find acceptable or not. We're struggling with a particular question, so thought we'd seek your views...
We met up with a guy about 3 weeks after we joined the site. We'd messaged back as forth a lot, we'd spoken all together on cam in a private chatroom, and we'd exchanged a lot of texts and even had a phone conversation. All of this was intended to make sure that we were on the same wavelength, wanted the same things and (as far as we could tell without meeting) had that spark of sexual chemistry. So, after all of that, we met for a drink and things went well, so we ended up having a great night with him (you can use your imaginations for that part of the story!!)
But, afterwards, he just dropped off the radar. Despite having bombarded us with texts before the meet, he didn't reply to texts, he didn't reply to messages on the site, and after a week, we concluded that he must have been the kind of guy who gets a kick out of the chase and then loses interest - despite having told us that he preferred meeting the same couple regularly than having a string of one-offs. We put it down to experience and moved on. (But have been more cautious ever since - if he lied about that, what else may he have lied about?)
Today, out of the blue and over a month since we met, he texted to say: "sorry for dropping off the radar, had some really shit news and didnt know how to handle it, apologies for my behaviour, hope you're both ok x"
We're now in a dilemma. We liked him a lot, we thought we got along really well (both on a social and physical level) and we had hoped to see him again. But just dropping off the radar with no explanation and totally ignoring us kind of put us off - isn't it a bit rude to spend the night with a couple, then ignore them for weeks, then pop up hoping to just pick things up again...? On the other hand, he has now explained why he behaved so rudely (well... sort of). So, would it now be hypocritical and mean of us to just ignore him?
Lilith xx
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Post-"meet" etiquette
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Quote by Inanna
We're still pretty new to the scene and only joined SH at the start of April, so we're still finding our way a bit with various questions of etiquette, behaviour and what we find acceptable or not. We're struggling with a particular question, so thought we'd seek your views...
We met up with a guy about 3 weeks after we joined the site. We'd messaged back as forth a lot, we'd spoken all together on cam in a private chatroom, and we'd exchanged a lot of texts and even had a phone conversation. All of this was intended to make sure that we were on the same wavelength, wanted the same things and (as far as we could tell without meeting) had that spark of sexual chemistry. So, after all of that, we met for a drink and things went well, so we ended up having a great night with him (you can use your imaginations for that part of the story!!)
But, afterwards, he just dropped off the radar. Despite having bombarded us with texts before the meet, he didn't reply to texts, he didn't reply to messages on the site, and after a week, we concluded that he must have been the kind of guy who gets a kick out of the chase and then loses interest - despite having told us that he preferred meeting the same couple regularly than having a string of one-offs. We put it down to experience and moved on. (But have been more cautious ever since - if he lied about that, what else may he have lied about?)
Today, out of the blue and over a month since we met, he texted to say: "sorry for dropping off the radar, had some really shit news and didnt know how to handle it, apologies for my behaviour, hope you're both ok x"
We're now in a dilemma. We liked him a lot, we thought we got along really well (both on a social and physical level) and we had hoped to see him again. But just dropping off the radar with no explanation and totally ignoring us kind of put us off - isn't it a bit rude to spend the night with a couple, then ignore them for weeks, then pop up hoping to just pick things up again...? On the other hand, he has now explained why he behaved so rudely (well... sort of). So, would it now be hypocritical and mean of us to just ignore him?
So he used the excuse about having some very shitty news blah blah blah...very clever, see that now puts you on the spot. Shitty news or not it's still no excuse for ignoring you, I'm sure he wasn't ignoring all people in his life, I think you were right first time, he likes the chase and once he's made the kill moves on to the next one, however a month down the line and he's not got anyone to chase so it's back to his previous conquest and by using the " shitty news " excuse , he might gain a bit of sympathy, trust me he will do it again. And I make no excuse for being such a cynic!
Mod
Can I take his place please? :twisted:
It could well be that he did have a bad time after meeting you (not caused by you, I hasten to add!) and just wanted time to sort himself out. He's back in touch and given you his reasons why he dropped off the radar, so if you enjoyed yourselves with him, do it again, but don't rush him. If you're meeting him too regularly then it might come across as clingy, so just take your time with him.
Having seen you in chat and read your profile and seen your pics I think he would be an absolute fool not to want to see you both again, so don't get hung up on it. I'm sure when he gets the chance to fully explain he will and you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.
In the meantime...............I'm free!!!
Mal
It could well be that he did have a bad time after meeting you (not caused by you, I hasten to add!) and just wanted time to sort himself out. He's back in touch and given you his reasons why he dropped off the radar, so if you enjoyed yourselves with him, do it again, but don't rush him. If you're meeting him too regularly then it might come across as clingy, so just take your time with him.
Having seen you in chat and read your profile and seen your pics I think he would be an absolute fool not to want to see you both again, so don't get hung up on it. I'm sure when he gets the chance to fully explain he will and you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.
In the meantime...............I'm free!!!
Mal
My opinion, for what it's worth: You met the guy, and you built a relationship with him. You're far better placed to decide on the next move than anyone here. If you were hoping for a consensus decision I'm afraid you're unlikely to get one.
Having said all that, do you ever get down to the coast? Let the chase begin! :twisted:
:giggle:
Having said all that, do you ever get down to the coast? Let the chase begin! :twisted:
:giggle:
Yes - you're right. It's difficult to ask other people to comment, when they don't know very much about him or the conversations/rapport that we built with him, etc. But, we're a bit torn about what to do and thought it may be helpful to see what other people (more experienced in swinging etiquette) think.
We try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but it's not nice to be messed about and it doesn't take long to write a text saying "Something has come up and I'm in a bad place right now, so will be off-radar for a while. Will be in touch when I've got my head together"... or something along those lines. We appreciate that swinging is all about fun and that people have their own lives outside of it, but that doesn't mean it's ok to be rude...
Our gut feeling is that we probably won't see him again, as it feels too much like being used - he's assuming it'll be ok to pick up whenever it's convenient for him. But, why should we waste our time trying to build up a "playmate" friendship with him if he's not reliable and doesn't want the same things as us? Having said that, we're not sure that it would be right to just ignore him. So, perhaps we'll reply and thank him for getting in touch, but say we're not interested in meeting again...
Lilith xx
We try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but it's not nice to be messed about and it doesn't take long to write a text saying "Something has come up and I'm in a bad place right now, so will be off-radar for a while. Will be in touch when I've got my head together"... or something along those lines. We appreciate that swinging is all about fun and that people have their own lives outside of it, but that doesn't mean it's ok to be rude...
Our gut feeling is that we probably won't see him again, as it feels too much like being used - he's assuming it'll be ok to pick up whenever it's convenient for him. But, why should we waste our time trying to build up a "playmate" friendship with him if he's not reliable and doesn't want the same things as us? Having said that, we're not sure that it would be right to just ignore him. So, perhaps we'll reply and thank him for getting in touch, but say we're not interested in meeting again...
Quote by Cubes
My opinion, for what it's worth: You met the guy, and you built a relationship with him. You're far better placed to decide on the next move than anyone here. If you were hoping for a consensus decision I'm afraid you're unlikely to get one.
Having said all that, do you ever get down to the coast? Let the chase begin! :twisted:
:giggle:
Lilith xx
Sex God
Out of interest did you notice whether he had logged into this site during the month at all?
Personally I think he didn't want anymore contact but now he's thinking 'Oh well might as well see if their game for another one!'
If he wasn't logged on then maybe, just maybe it might be worth being polite but firm. If he has logged in however, kick him into touch, he's playing you for fools.
Personally I think he didn't want anymore contact but now he's thinking 'Oh well might as well see if their game for another one!'
If he wasn't logged on then maybe, just maybe it might be worth being polite but firm. If he has logged in however, kick him into touch, he's playing you for fools.
Quote by vodka_babe22uk
My opinion, for what it's worth: You met the guy, and you built a relationship with him. You're far better placed to decide on the next move than anyone here. If you were hoping for a consensus decision I'm afraid you're unlikely to get one.
Having said all that, do you ever get down to the coast? Let the chase begin! :twisted:
:giggle:
tart :bolt:
Takes one to know one!
Sex God
Do you think it's right to discuss his 'PRIVATE' message to you on an open forum? I don't. Some people have absolutely no discretion at all.
Thats spooky. Blue and I were just having a conversation about much the same thing after hearing a "sob story" from a no-show this week. He'd had the benefit of the doubt from me some years ago when he came up with a dramatic excuse as to why he hadnt shown that time.
I gave him another chance when he came chasing again the last couple of weeks. I agreed to a meet, gave my mobile number, arranged a date and time and then needless to say he then dropped out of sight. He's now came up with yet another dramatic excuse (may be true may not) but it still didnt explain the lack of a text to me to let me know and he got quite aggressive when i gave him the cold shoulder. But thats more his problem than mine. Whether his explanation was true or not he wont be getting another chance.
Something we have noticed is that when I play solo to Blue is the lack of respect that seems to be given to my partner nowadays. When I was first on here not only was a guy polite enough to chat to my partner about an upcoming meet but invariably an email followed after the meet to thank him for allowing him to "borrow me". And yup we have had our share of those that simply drop off the radar afterwards as well. Maybe I really am that scary
Think you just have to go with your gut instinct on this one hun.
I gave him another chance when he came chasing again the last couple of weeks. I agreed to a meet, gave my mobile number, arranged a date and time and then needless to say he then dropped out of sight. He's now came up with yet another dramatic excuse (may be true may not) but it still didnt explain the lack of a text to me to let me know and he got quite aggressive when i gave him the cold shoulder. But thats more his problem than mine. Whether his explanation was true or not he wont be getting another chance.
Something we have noticed is that when I play solo to Blue is the lack of respect that seems to be given to my partner nowadays. When I was first on here not only was a guy polite enough to chat to my partner about an upcoming meet but invariably an email followed after the meet to thank him for allowing him to "borrow me". And yup we have had our share of those that simply drop off the radar afterwards as well. Maybe I really am that scary
Think you just have to go with your gut instinct on this one hun.
Sex God
Quote by Lilmiss
Do you think it's right to discuss his 'PRIVATE' message to you on an open forum? I don't. Some people have absolutely no discretion at all.
He hasn't been named and there is nothing in the post to identify him. So discretion has not been violated. It would have been disingenuous to pose it as a hypothetical 'if this were to happen' situation, because it did happen.
Getting advice, or at least other people's slant, on a potentially risky situation is one of the purposes of this forum. Being criticised for it is unfriendly at best.
Sex God
Quote by Lilmiss
Do you think it's right to discuss his 'PRIVATE' message to you on an open forum? I don't. Some people have absolutely no discretion at all.
Would you like to name exactly which of the 1,004,648 single male profies (to date) she is talking about because I haven't a clue!
Some people have no idea at all.
Well here's my take on it.....
If you value yourself highly then dont take the crappy excuses simple!
If this was to be a relationship of sorts, as in a regular playmate, then the emphasis is on the mate part!!!!
I couldnt care less if the world had ended, if they valued me highly there is no way anyone would completely 'forget' me for more than a day or two let alone a month!
Sorry but a text to explain why he's gonna go MIA for a bit takes all of 5 minutes!!
Question is are you willing to be treated this way? as an option to shove in when it convienient for him/her; not as a priority to hold onto and make an effort for.
There are so many other hot and attentive guys/gals that are willing to put in consistant effort to keep hold of a rare gem like us, so why settle for less!
I am ruthless to move on and never look back if someone majorly disrespects me or undervalues my company.
Their loss is someone elses gain and seriously I dont care if they are the hottess, richest, most popular, or best in bed; I respect myself too much to accept shoddy behaviour from anyone.
Single by choice; underestimated by most!!!
Pam xx
If you value yourself highly then dont take the crappy excuses simple!
If this was to be a relationship of sorts, as in a regular playmate, then the emphasis is on the mate part!!!!
I couldnt care less if the world had ended, if they valued me highly there is no way anyone would completely 'forget' me for more than a day or two let alone a month!
Sorry but a text to explain why he's gonna go MIA for a bit takes all of 5 minutes!!
Question is are you willing to be treated this way? as an option to shove in when it convienient for him/her; not as a priority to hold onto and make an effort for.
There are so many other hot and attentive guys/gals that are willing to put in consistant effort to keep hold of a rare gem like us, so why settle for less!
I am ruthless to move on and never look back if someone majorly disrespects me or undervalues my company.
Their loss is someone elses gain and seriously I dont care if they are the hottess, richest, most popular, or best in bed; I respect myself too much to accept shoddy behaviour from anyone.
Single by choice; underestimated by most!!!
Pam xx
Sex God
That's right, he hasn't been named... but 'hypothetically'.. he could read this thread. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and somebody discussed your private message? Its already been said in the OP that he's been met from this site.
I once received a nasty mail from somebody I said 'No' to meeting and opened a thread about it. It got removed on the terms if 'Invasion of privacy'... because I stated the nasty message I was sent. It's exactly the same thing.
I once received a nasty mail from somebody I said 'No' to meeting and opened a thread about it. It got removed on the terms if 'Invasion of privacy'... because I stated the nasty message I was sent. It's exactly the same thing.
Sex God
Perhaps a social meet for the 3 of you ?
Re-iterate it's a purely social meeting and gauge how he reacts
Re-iterate it's a purely social meeting and gauge how he reacts
Quote by Lilmiss
That's right, he hasn't been named... but 'hypothetically'.. he could read this thread. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and somebody discussed your private message? Its already been said in the OP that he's been met from this site.
I once received a nasty mail from somebody I said 'No' to meeting and opened a thread about it. It got removed on the terms if 'Invasion of privacy'... because I stated the nasty message I was sent. It's exactly the same thing.
But what has actually been said about the private message either than he had some shitty news. If it was a more detailed message with all the details about why he ignored/snubbed them for over a month, and they then went on to tell us all the details, then I think that would come into question.
Sex God
Quote by Mr-Powers
But what has actually been said about the private message either than he had some shitty news. If it was a more detailed message with all the details about why he ignored/snubbed them for over a month, and they then went on to tell us all the details, then I think that would come into question.
:thumbup:
I've had shitty news or gone through a bad time and dropped off the radar from real life friends not just people I've met off the internet for no-strings sex, so I can confirm this does happen and when it does, the last thing you can really be arsed to do is deal with other people. You've got enough on your plate and everything else has to go on the back burner. Granted, a simple text would have probably sufficed but realistically, for a lot of people, fuck-buddies are not a priority when it comes to family/friends/work/health issues. IMO, anyway but I am an arsehole.
I've also had the experience of someone else doing the same to me and I cursed him to anyone who would listen. turned out he was 100% genuine and his "excuse" was a very real and serious issue however, there was too much water under the bridge and I don't do second chances 'cos I'm a bitch like that.
if you liked him enough and he seemed genuine before then give him the benefit of the doubt but proceed with caution. One foot wrong and he's straight on the shit-list.
It's up to you but remember, not everyone's an arsehole.
I've also had the experience of someone else doing the same to me and I cursed him to anyone who would listen. turned out he was 100% genuine and his "excuse" was a very real and serious issue however, there was too much water under the bridge and I don't do second chances 'cos I'm a bitch like that.
if you liked him enough and he seemed genuine before then give him the benefit of the doubt but proceed with caution. One foot wrong and he's straight on the shit-list.
It's up to you but remember, not everyone's an arsehole.
Quote by Trevaunance
Out of interest did you notice whether he had logged into this site during the month at all?
Personally I think he didn't want anymore contact but now he's thinking 'Oh well might as well see if their game for another one!'
If he wasn't logged on then maybe, just maybe it might be worth being polite but firm. If he has logged in however, kick him into touch, he's playing you for fools.
Yes - we checked that, and he did. After a few days, we sent him a message from the site (thinking maybe he had lost his phone, and giving him the benefit of the doubt about not replying to our texts) - we asked him if everything was ok. He logged on and read it (which we know because it showed as read in our sent items), but he didn't reply. Again, we gave him the benefit of the doubt, figuring he may have been just popping in and was too busy to reply. So, we waited a while. After he had logged onto the site several more times without replying, we left it. We didn't check after that whether or not he logged on.
Lilith xx
Quote by Lilmiss
Do you think it's right to discuss his 'PRIVATE' message to you on an open forum? I don't. Some people have absolutely no discretion at all.
Since two site mods have read and replied to our thread, we assume that we've done nothing that breaks the site rules. We haven't identified the guy and have no intention of doing that. So, to answer your question, yes- we do think it's fine to discuss what happened in a public forum. We wanted other people's views and we felt it was fine as long as we did not include any information to identify him. If he happens to read the thread, then he may well feel bad. But, perhaps that's a good thing - it may make him more considerate next time...
Lilith xx
Quote by Inanna
Out of interest did you notice whether he had logged into this site during the month at all?
Personally I think he didn't want anymore contact but now he's thinking 'Oh well might as well see if their game for another one!'
If he wasn't logged on then maybe, just maybe it might be worth being polite but firm. If he has logged in however, kick him into touch, he's playing you for fools.
Yes - we checked that, and he did. After a few days, we sent him a message from the site (thinking maybe he had lost his phone, and giving him the benefit of the doubt about not replying to our texts) - we asked him if everything was ok. He logged on and read it (which we know because it showed as read in our sent items), but he didn't reply. Again, we gave him the benefit of the doubt, figuring he may have been just popping in and was too busy to reply. So, we waited a while. After he had logged onto the site several more times without replying, we left it. We didn't check after that whether or not he logged on.
Aahhhhh! well, in this instance, I'd probably cut my losses and move on. Plenty more fish etc.
Quote by Marya_Northeast
Out of interest did you notice whether he had logged into this site during the month at all?
Personally I think he didn't want anymore contact but now he's thinking 'Oh well might as well see if their game for another one!'
If he wasn't logged on then maybe, just maybe it might be worth being polite but firm. If he has logged in however, kick him into touch, he's playing you for fools.
Yes - we checked that, and he did. After a few days, we sent him a message from the site (thinking maybe he had lost his phone, and giving him the benefit of the doubt about not replying to our texts) - we asked him if everything was ok. He logged on and read it (which we know because it showed as read in our sent items), but he didn't reply. Again, we gave him the benefit of the doubt, figuring he may have been just popping in and was too busy to reply. So, we waited a while. After he had logged onto the site several more times without replying, we left it. We didn't check after that whether or not he logged on.
Aahhhhh! well, in this instance, I'd probably cut my losses and move on. Plenty more fish etc.
Yeah - that's pretty much what we've decided now. We just felt torn because it is possible that something really bad did happen to him and, if there is a reasonable explanation for his behaviour, we didn't want to be bitches about it!!
Thanks for all the helpful opinions guys and gals :-)
Lilith xx
Sex God
Quote by Inanna
Out of interest did you notice whether he had logged into this site during the month at all?
Personally I think he didn't want anymore contact but now he's thinking 'Oh well might as well see if their game for another one!'
If he wasn't logged on then maybe, just maybe it might be worth being polite but firm. If he has logged in however, kick him into touch, he's playing you for fools.
Yes - we checked that, and he did. After a few days, we sent him a message from the site (thinking maybe he had lost his phone, and giving him the benefit of the doubt about not replying to our texts) - we asked him if everything was ok. He logged on and read it (which we know because it showed as read in our sent items), but he didn't reply. Again, we gave him the benefit of the doubt, figuring he may have been just popping in and was too busy to reply. So, we waited a while. After he had logged onto the site several more times without replying, we left it. We didn't check after that whether or not he logged on.
Well there's your answer right there. If life has taken such a turn for the worse that he can't contact you then surely it's too bad to go online, probably looking for other meets?
Kick him into touch immediately
Quote by Inanna
Out of interest did you notice whether he had logged into this site during the month at all?
Personally I think he didn't want anymore contact but now he's thinking 'Oh well might as well see if their game for another one!'
If he wasn't logged on then maybe, just maybe it might be worth being polite but firm. If he has logged in however, kick him into touch, he's playing you for fools.
Yes - we checked that, and he did. After a few days, we sent him a message from the site (thinking maybe he had lost his phone, and giving him the benefit of the doubt about not replying to our texts) - we asked him if everything was ok. He logged on and read it (which we know because it showed as read in our sent items), but he didn't reply. Again, we gave him the benefit of the doubt, figuring he may have been just popping in and was too busy to reply. So, we waited a while. After he had logged onto the site several more times without replying, we left it. We didn't check after that whether or not he logged on.
I understand the need to seek advice on the matter, but this says it all, fuck him he had his chance, time now to move on.
Sex God
It's a bit crap, but it happens.
As others have said, move on a bit wiser with the benefit of memories of a good night
The last person who did that to me (meet and then drop off the radar) left me with the benefit of good memories and a few really decent bottles of wine. :thumbup:
As others have said, move on a bit wiser with the benefit of memories of a good night
The last person who did that to me (meet and then drop off the radar) left me with the benefit of good memories and a few really decent bottles of wine. :thumbup:
Anything bad enough to stop him replying with a simple text message is bad enough to stop him logging in on here, let alone reading and ignoring messages. As others have said it sounds like he's moved on, tried to find someone else to play with and failed, got impatient and thought he could just jump straight back in with you guys.
Master of Sex
on a brighter note, I had a single guy I met send me a PM just to say that he had started dating someone, was disabling his account, but wanted to let me know so I wouldn't think he had just disappeared. Awww. Some nice ones out there
Quote by M1ssVery
on a brighter note, I had a single guy I met send me a PM just to say that he had started dating someone, was disabling his account, but wanted to let me know so I wouldn't think he had just disappeared. Awww. Some nice ones out there
Ah, classic stalker-shaking tactics! :thumbup:
:giggle:
Master of Sex
Quote by Cubes
on a brighter note, I had a single guy I met send me a PM just to say that he had started dating someone, was disabling his account, but wanted to let me know so I wouldn't think he had just disappeared. Awww. Some nice ones out there
Ah, classic stalker-shaking tactics! :thumbup:
:giggle:
How did you know I stalked him to find out it was legit?! :grin:
