Hi guys have returned to the Cafe once again as inevitable. This place even after long abscences always draws me back. Prob not light Sunday reading this but here goes.....
I'm a youngish attractive guy,I have a good job and all that mainstream apparently important stuff, not really looking for swinging action these days (though there is always scope for changes of mind if offers unrefusable in nature were to present themselves :-)). So.......why am I here?
I feel at home here for some reason, probably because due to reasons relating to my past and upbringing and the fact I don't like to share my feelings with people on a social level I can be myself here with the anonimity of people not knowing me on a personal level.
Which brings me onto my main topic point.
Do you think that there are some people who are just not capable for one reason or another to hold down a long lasting relationship?
I ask this because having recently been left by my partner,(dont worry she knew I came on here and read and posted on the cafe, trust issues of that nature were never a factor for us), i have come to a realisation.
I've had two meaningful relationships in my life one for 4 years with a girl who is now my best and entirely platonic friend, and one with the afore mentioned now former partner for a year . The problem in both those relationships and the reason for them ending? Me. Same problem both times.
Due to not having a very stable upbringing I was always sure that they were going to leave and abandon me, they didnt really love me the way i wanted and needed and used to then try to test them by behaiving in a way which i thought would make them unhappy with me and therefore leave me thus proving what i already thought. Fucked up hey?
I think it is a case of a self fullfilling prophecy and even though during my relationship i used to try and make out it was their fault, the blame lie's completely with me.
What I want to know is even though i am to blame in my actions,and i believe strongly that i just can't help it and will inevitably do this again, should I just accept that I'm wrong for people?
The girl previously in my life was fantastic in so many ways, she had hers faults and problems yeah, but don't we all and I, instead of seeing her good points kept looking out for signs that what I believed was going to happen would. Eventually this drove her away after a long suffering 6 months, and i just don't think i could go through, nor put anyone else through the same shit hence my question and subsequent post.
Has anybody else been through the same thing either with or as a partner to somebody as your comments and repliers would be greatly appreciated or even if you haven't what do you think?
Over to the ever relieble Cafe members.....
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Relationship Reject
simple answer is YES..it will continue to happen....as long as you act with the negative attitude. Now to change that i know full well is not easy, but like with all these things, you at least reconize the fact, which is the first step. Can I suggest, you consider counciling.....they might be able to identify the problems in your past, which seem to be haunting your present and future. Only one person thou in the end can change this..YOU
Good Luck..whichever path you choose to tread
Good Luck..whichever path you choose to tread
2 things google
Emotional intelligence - read and think about it
NLP - read and think about it
The one thing all humans can do is change their behaviour and so that is a brilliant thought isnt it? You do not have to be trapped in negative ways. Sometimes we choose to behave in negative ways because it is learnt behaviour and even if it brings unhappiness its what we know.
So maybe you should give yourself permission to change your behaviour and find new ways of dealing with relationships.
Choose life - end unhappiness
Emotional intelligence - read and think about it
NLP - read and think about it
The one thing all humans can do is change their behaviour and so that is a brilliant thought isnt it? You do not have to be trapped in negative ways. Sometimes we choose to behave in negative ways because it is learnt behaviour and even if it brings unhappiness its what we know.
So maybe you should give yourself permission to change your behaviour and find new ways of dealing with relationships.
Choose life - end unhappiness
Quote by Srne
Hi guys have returned to the Cafe once again as inevitable. This place even after long abscences always draws me back. Prob not light Sunday reading this but here goes.....
I'm a youngish attractive guy,I have a good job and all that mainstream apparently important stuff, not really looking for swinging action these days (though there is always scope for changes of mind if offers unrefusable in nature were to present themselves :-)). So.......why am I here?
I feel at home here for some reason, probably because due to reasons relating to my past and upbringing and the fact I don't like to share my feelings with people on a social level I can be myself here with the anonimity of people not knowing me on a personal level.
Which brings me onto my main topic point.
Do you think that there are some people who are just not capable for one reason or another to hold down a long lasting relationship?
No I think we are all capable
I ask this because having recently been left by my partner,(dont worry she knew I came on here and read and posted on the cafe, trust issues of that nature were never a factor for us), i have come to a realisation.
Trust, honesty, understanding are all key to any relationship
I've had two meaningful relationships in my life one for 4 years with a girl who is now my best and entirely platonic friend, and one with the afore mentioned now former partner for a year . The problem in both those relationships and the reason for them ending? Me. Same problem both times.
The relationship of four years she must see qualities in you then that she must like as she has remained a friend.
Due to not having a very stable upbringing I was always sure that they were going to leave and abandon me, they didnt really love me the way i wanted and needed and used to then try to test them by behaiving in a way which i thought would make them unhappy with me and therefore leave me thus proving what i already thought. Fucked up hey?
I have a friend that has been married for 23 years and still believes nobody could love him, I have been his friend since I was 11, as I said to him love is someone that cares and sticks around. His feelings come from his upbringing.
I think it is a case of a self fullfilling prophecy and even though during my relationship i used to try and make out it was their fault, the blame lie's completely with me.
What I want to know is even though i am to blame in my actions,and i believe strongly that i just can't help it and will inevitably do this again, should I just accept that I'm wrong for people?
The girl previously in my life was fantastic in so many ways, she had hers faults and problems yeah, but don't we all and I, instead of seeing her good points kept looking out for signs that what I believed was going to happen would. Eventually this drove her away after a long suffering 6 months, and i just don't think i could go through, nor put anyone else through the same shit hence my question and subsequent post.
We have no control over others reactions or actions, but we have control over our own, circumstances in life make us behave and think the way we do but we are in control of our own minds and are able to change them.
There are a few books that can help change your thinking from negative to positive but only you can do it.
Has anybody else been through the same thing either with or as a partner to somebody as your comments and repliers would be greatly appreciated or even if you haven't what do you think?
Over to the ever relieble Cafe members.....
ive found your post really interesting for me, i have often thought along the same kind of lines, ie can I actually be faithfull in a vanilla relationship.
at 13 I walked in on my dad having sex with my aunt so i thought, turns out she wasnt my aunt i had just always called her that and they were purely close friends of my mam and dad, i just hadnt realised how close, basically they had wife swapped. Walking in on my dad was a huge thing for me, in my eyes my dad was perfect, i idolised him, until that moment, it basically shattered my life at that time, i was only 13 fgs.
but it did give me a very eyes open upbringing and i have never managed to be faithful in a relationship, not even married, actually, especially not married, finding swinging for me was a revelation cos it was like a freedom and i didnt have to be faithful, there was no one to be faithful too and i could basically do who and what i wanted.
but i do still have that fear now that would 1 person ever be enough for me and i seriously dont know the answer. So although i dont go out intentionally to sabotage relationships, it happens anyway.
maybe you should stop looking to your partners faults and thinking do they love you and will they leave you, and start with the person within. Work on who you really are and how you feel about yourself, cos its true, if you dont love yourself how is anyone else expected to love you. I do hope you work it out cos the once or twice i have met you, you seem like a really nice guy and it would be a shame for someone not to be able to love you.
Earthy xxx
at 13 I walked in on my dad having sex with my aunt so i thought, turns out she wasnt my aunt i had just always called her that and they were purely close friends of my mam and dad, i just hadnt realised how close, basically they had wife swapped. Walking in on my dad was a huge thing for me, in my eyes my dad was perfect, i idolised him, until that moment, it basically shattered my life at that time, i was only 13 fgs.
but it did give me a very eyes open upbringing and i have never managed to be faithful in a relationship, not even married, actually, especially not married, finding swinging for me was a revelation cos it was like a freedom and i didnt have to be faithful, there was no one to be faithful too and i could basically do who and what i wanted.
but i do still have that fear now that would 1 person ever be enough for me and i seriously dont know the answer. So although i dont go out intentionally to sabotage relationships, it happens anyway.
maybe you should stop looking to your partners faults and thinking do they love you and will they leave you, and start with the person within. Work on who you really are and how you feel about yourself, cos its true, if you dont love yourself how is anyone else expected to love you. I do hope you work it out cos the once or twice i have met you, you seem like a really nice guy and it would be a shame for someone not to be able to love you.
Earthy xxx
Sex God
Yes. I'm rubbish at relationships; I'm not good at letting people in. I've accepted it now though and I don't necessarily see it as a bad thing. I'm totally comfortable with my own company and I have a job I love, great friends and an active sex life. I think I'm a bit too self-centred for relationships. Maybe I'll change my mind in the future, who knows.
But Earthy makes some good points: don't give up on yourself, who knows what/who is around the corner.
But Earthy makes some good points: don't give up on yourself, who knows what/who is around the corner.
i know that i will never get in a long term relationship...
i dont have the ability to give myself to anyone, i'd rather be the 3rd in a relationship and know that i can come and go as i please as i will always feel confide in a one on one relationship... yes i know i am young !!! but believe me my mind isnt !
i dont have the ability to give myself to anyone, i'd rather be the 3rd in a relationship and know that i can come and go as i please as i will always feel confide in a one on one relationship... yes i know i am young !!! but believe me my mind isnt !
Quote by Gurlonloan
i know that i will never get in a long term relationship...
i dont have the ability to give myself to anyone, i'd rather be the 3rd in a relationship and know that i can come and go as i please as i will always feel confide in a one on one relationship... yes i know i am young !!! but believe me my mind isnt !
young or old makes no odds, you know yourself and what you are happy with, i wish i had when i was younger it would have saved me a marriage and divorce and a lot of heartache x
i cant remember what you wanted an answer to now and im logged in on my phone so takes to long to go back. Some will recall i suffered in october09 from a full blown break down. Ive been recieving input from several professionals since every week. Its bloody tiring lol. As a child i witnessed a mother who showed no emotion and often would just disapear for a few weeks. A alcoholic father who was constantly having affairs with my mothers friends. A stash of explicit porn and moving home every 18 months all of this feeds into our sub consious. I have always been independent and proud of that. Never needed a man. Avoided love. And thought swinging was the answer to my chosen lifestyle. I got sex, i had fun, i never did love or was likely to suffer from the pain of being cheated on. Even met married men as it was safe to me. Anyway i am learning its all avoidence and i need to understand who i am, what i want and what im sacred of. Or i realised i will always push people away and end up lonely. Therapy is bloody hard work but i think with deep rooted experiences that have moulded us its the only way to start to change. X x
Sex God
Quote by earthchild
i know that i will never get in a long term relationship...
i dont have the ability to give myself to anyone, i'd rather be the 3rd in a relationship and know that i can come and go as i please as i will always feel confide in a one on one relationship... yes i know i am young !!! but believe me my mind isnt !
young or old makes no odds, you know yourself and what you are happy with, i wish i had when i was younger it would have saved me a marriage and divorce and a lot of heartache x
I thought I could never give myself to one person, I had never been faithful in any relationship, commitment scared the hell out of me, I was never going to get married and I certainly didn't want children.
In 1995, I met Lee, we were both pretty much the same and had both been complete slappers!! Within days of meeting, we were madly in love and this scared the shit out of me. 15 years on and we are still happily married, we have 3 children who we love like nothing else in the world.
In 2004 we started swinging but not because we weren't happy or because we needed to be with other people. We did it because it sounded exciting and we both have a massive sex drive but we could stop anytime either one of us decides that we've had enough and still be as happy together as we are now.
So my point is ..... things change when you're not expecting it so what you want now isn't always the way things will turn out and it doesn't always end in tears!!
Quote by Srne
Hi guys have returned to the Cafe once again as inevitable. This place even after long abscences always draws me back. Prob not light Sunday reading this but here goes.....
I'm a youngish attractive guy,I have a good job and all that mainstream apparently important stuff, not really looking for swinging action these days (though there is always scope for changes of mind if offers unrefusable in nature were to present themselves :-)). So.......why am I here?
I feel at home here for some reason, probably because due to reasons relating to my past and upbringing and the fact I don't like to share my feelings with people on a social level I can be myself here with the anonimity of people not knowing me on a personal level.
Which brings me onto my main topic point.
Do you think that there are some people who are just not capable for one reason or another to hold down a long lasting relationship?
I ask this because having recently been left by my partner,(dont worry she knew I came on here and read and posted on the cafe, trust issues of that nature were never a factor for us), i have come to a realisation.
I've had two meaningful relationships in my life one for 4 years with a girl who is now my best and entirely platonic friend, and one with the afore mentioned now former partner for a year . The problem in both those relationships and the reason for them ending? Me. Same problem both times.
Due to not having a very stable upbringing I was always sure that they were going to leave and abandon me, they didnt really love me the way i wanted and needed and used to then try to test them by behaiving in a way which i thought would make them unhappy with me and therefore leave me thus proving what i already thought. Fucked up hey?
I think it is a case of a self fullfilling prophecy and even though during my relationship i used to try and make out it was their fault, the blame lie's completely with me.
What I want to know is even though i am to blame in my actions,and i believe strongly that i just can't help it and will inevitably do this again, should I just accept that I'm wrong for people?
The girl previously in my life was fantastic in so many ways, she had hers faults and problems yeah, but don't we all and I, instead of seeing her good points kept looking out for signs that what I believed was going to happen would. Eventually this drove her away after a long suffering 6 months, and i just don't think i could go through, nor put anyone else through the same shit hence my question and subsequent post.
Has anybody else been through the same thing either with or as a partner to somebody as your comments and repliers would be greatly appreciated or even if you haven't what do you think?
Over to the ever relieble Cafe members.....
What intrigues me is that you have a very clear, very rational account of yourself, but no apparent belief that you can use that account to change your choices and actions in the future. That makes me wonder why you lack that confidence that you can use your self knowledge to transform yourself. Perhaps if you are going to try to make progress with this, you need to start with that lack of confidence, not your default behaviours that trouble you.
Good luck.
Sex God
Not to be glib but the following holds true. If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.
Having come to a realisiation of what is part (and it is only part) of what drives your behaviours, it is now possible to choose to behave differently. You are in a lucky position - some people never work out why stuff always goes 'wrong'. If a person works with an understanding of their influences and behaviours they can work with or around them instead of trying to work against them - which generally doesn't work.
I suppose what all this is about is 'baggage' - subject of another thread. But no-one comes to adulthood as a perfectly balanced and un-modified person. Accepting that is half the battle. Otherwise we are just puppets of our own subconcious responses.
Having come to a realisiation of what is part (and it is only part) of what drives your behaviours, it is now possible to choose to behave differently. You are in a lucky position - some people never work out why stuff always goes 'wrong'. If a person works with an understanding of their influences and behaviours they can work with or around them instead of trying to work against them - which generally doesn't work.
I suppose what all this is about is 'baggage' - subject of another thread. But no-one comes to adulthood as a perfectly balanced and un-modified person. Accepting that is half the battle. Otherwise we are just puppets of our own subconcious responses.
My last partner did the same to me as you seem to have said you do with your girlfriends - i.e. tested the relationship to the point of breaking it. I ended the relationship after finally realising what was going on and he admitted he had done it with his past partners too.
As Foxy said, part of the solution is awareness of the issue (you are aware or you wouldn't have posted!), the next step is breaking the cycle... only you can do that but with support. And there's some good support out there.
x
As Foxy said, part of the solution is awareness of the issue (you are aware or you wouldn't have posted!), the next step is breaking the cycle... only you can do that but with support. And there's some good support out there.
x
Sex God
Quote by BIoke
My last partner did the same to me as you seem to have said you do with your girlfriends - i.e. tested the relationship to the point of breaking it. I ended the relationship after finally realising what was going on and he admitted he had done it with his past partners too.
As Foxy said, part of the solution is awareness of the issue (you are aware or you wouldn't have posted!), the next step is breaking the cycle... only you can do that but with support. And there's some good support out there.
x
I would add, talking about it to any new relationship is a good plan. It allows them to understand what is happening and also helps you (any of us) to crystalise what the triggers are and how to avoid them.
Sex God
Quote by noladreams
Yes. I'm rubbish at relationships; I'm not good at letting people in. I've accepted it now though and I don't necessarily see it as a bad thing. I'm totally comfortable with my own company and I have a job I love, great friends and an active sex life.
Sorry to chop you up Nola but this really rang true with me. I got to a stage where I let very few people, get into my inner circle, I guess I still don't really. But like you I was happy in my life so it didn't really bother me. Easy was the first person who was able to totally break down those barriers, but to be fair that was because he really tried to do it, I'm sure a lot of people would have just given up!
Quote by noladreams
I think I'm a bit too self-centred for relationships. Maybe I'll change my mind in the future, who knows.
Again, I've felt like that before, I think you're at the same stage I was when I was single and it's great as you come to realise that there is no point in dating someone unless they add something positive to your life without hindering how you already live. Otherwise known as being very bloody picky :lol2: :giggle:
Quote by BIoke
My last partner did the same to me as you seem to have said you do with your girlfriends - i.e. tested the relationship to the point of breaking it. I ended the relationship after finally realising what was going on and he admitted he had done it with his past partners too.
That's exactly what I used to be like! It's like as soon as something good happens you go into self destruct mode to make sure it goes wrong. I think also at the time part of me enjoyed the drama of it all and living some sort of car crash life. Weird I know but that was what I was like.
As easy knew me before we got together he'd recognised that I had the type of personality to behave like that and therefore when we started seeing each other he straight away didn't put up with any of that nonsense. Because of this, I've never done it, simples!
OK I do still have my drama queen moments but unless it really is something important he'll just laugh at me or ignore me.
Sorry Srne I'm waffling but just wanted to add to what Nola and BIoke have said. Lots of other good advice in this thread too.....hope some of it makes sense for you.
Sexpert
This is a difficult one. It's much easier to give advice than take it.
For me the key to any relationship is communication if you can let them know how you feel then you're half way to making it work. Of course it's not always easy to bare your soul when you've been hurt in the past and I would include myself in that bunch too.
The other thing is to realise that the other person wants you despite your insecurities and faults ( that you perceive anyway ) and that you have to allow them their "idiosyncrasies" in wanting to continue with you and realise that for some reason it suits them to have things as they are.
Like I said easier to give than take, I think I still have a few unresolved issues that just need a while and the right person before perhaps I can give myself wholly again.
For me the key to any relationship is communication if you can let them know how you feel then you're half way to making it work. Of course it's not always easy to bare your soul when you've been hurt in the past and I would include myself in that bunch too.
The other thing is to realise that the other person wants you despite your insecurities and faults ( that you perceive anyway ) and that you have to allow them their "idiosyncrasies" in wanting to continue with you and realise that for some reason it suits them to have things as they are.
Like I said easier to give than take, I think I still have a few unresolved issues that just need a while and the right person before perhaps I can give myself wholly again.
you may like to think about Cognitive Analytical Therapy (CAT) which helps to understand the triggers for certain emotions and behaviours, it can be easier said than done to change unwanted behaviours but by understanding the triggers it is easier, plus if you do this with a therapist 'homework' is set which helps to try things out rather than wait til your next relationship and risk just repeating the same cycle
im my own worst enemy in that i know what and how to change regarding my relationship problems but just too damn stubborn to engage in therapy so i hope you have more confidence and strength than me
im my own worst enemy in that i know what and how to change regarding my relationship problems but just too damn stubborn to engage in therapy so i hope you have more confidence and strength than me
