Ok..I don’t feel good about myself, not that I have for ages. I must confess to not being up front, but when you have very personal issues that you don’t wear on your sleeve, it can be very difficult to air.
It has been so ironic the past month. I contracted a bitter cold, which itself led me to suffer a form of meningitis, so bad it bedded me for almost three days, and I passed out several times which caused many issues with where I was at the time!.
Part of my self-denial has been to feel lost and unwanted, NOT just physical, but mental. It sometimes feels like the world is against you. To give a brief idea, I feel sometimes like everyone is my friend, and then the next day, it is like I have never existed and no one speaks? It means I have to be reborn often to help myself be wanted. The problem is medication helps, but has a cost with side effects. Part of the problem with the illness I had with the meningitis type thingy, really made my head feel like the inside was an inner tube about to burst, causing immense pain, which needed loads of ice and rest to relieve. I came and went a few times on here, but miss my chats with people I really like to talk with. The problem is when you have ‘problems’, you seldom see them or accept it to yourself or let others in? Have you been their ?
The real irony is a message I had from a ‘friend’ ( HEATHER ),my current avatar, and what I saw last night convinced me to say something. When you see what illnesses’ can do to you, aka ADAM ANT, and how his world is now to what it was like, you find yourself.
I don’t really want to air the world, or take it too deep, but thought the truth was in order. I kind of have many regrets on here, and many friends, I think most will forgive me, some may not but then that has been part of my world for so long, I can actually see now that it is part of every ones life…not just mine! I think the few who got close to me in chatting via PM will know this has been a difficult journey, although I have not discussed it in depth with anyone, they will know too well I just DON’T disappear and not return Pm’s. It is NOT me. However things became too much with home and work issues. I have TOO many people to say hello to, too many to say sorry toYou will KNOW whom i mean and I sincerely hope this helps you to understand. People you may have met often seem quite normal, but then what IS that???
So I hope this sort of explains the things that have been before, and I must also thank the mods who must have thought correctly that I was sort of some nutter..swapping about all the time. Part of the therapy is finding YOURSELF, something I have had problems with for a good 20 years. I guess I just need to get to know myself and talk more to people without feeling that they DON’T want to talk. Knowing that it is common with other people did not help me before the recent illness, but then reality does smack you in the face in the end, and I found that in reality, we are all likely to feel this way and to many it is part of life, but to others it is more serious.
The mods cannot sticky this, but have said it is ok to post and I just hope most understand....
