New research delivers enlightening insight into the sex life of the Scottish male.
Preparation
Friday night is very much love night for the Scottish man.
Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac 12 pints of heavy, a white pudding supper and three pickled onions his mind is set on one thing: love.
His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion, 'Any chance of na nookie?'
The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant.
This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, 'Awaity f*** ya bam.
Foreplay
Foreplay is very important indeed.
This basically consists of the male casting off his lightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid mark down, as he approaches the bed and singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, 'Here we go, here we go, here we go.'
Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 inches. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.
Initial problems
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's Wee Willie Winkle is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally).
Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful.
She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as, 'Ya useless bastard,' or possibly, 'It never happens tae ra milkman.
Fellatio
Oral sex is a great favorite with the Scotsman.
He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, 'Howl ya like to put yer teeth roon this?'
The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler.
'Go on yersel,' she says, 'list dinnae disturb me.
Down to business
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love.
Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use.
Sometimes in his excitement, he may suffer from premature ejaculation, a phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, 'F*** me, I've shot ma load.
If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.
An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women like to be spoken to dirty, says such things as, 'Shite, arsehole.'
The woman is speechless.
The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts.
The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling.
Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as, 'Are you sure it's in?'
Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specializing in the faked orgasm.
This takes the form of a breathless shout, 'Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man.'
Eventually it's all over.
The man rolls over, wipes his dick on her nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.
There's no one in the world that performs quite like a Scotsman a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex...
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Scottish Love Rites
Sex God
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: LOL
Forget the handbags at dawn.
We Scots cam take a bit of fun after all have you seen our football team.
We pride ourselves in the thought that if ppl are takin the piss out of us then some other poor buggers are being left alone.
If you can't laugh at your own misgivings then life is not very fun
Not that this describes me.
1) This old Llama is teetotal.
2) I hate white pudding and pickled onions (Don't you know the national food of Scotland is Chicken Tikka Masala and boiled rice)
3) My performance in the bedroom usually lasts a bit longer than this
Forget the handbags at dawn.
We Scots cam take a bit of fun after all have you seen our football team.
We pride ourselves in the thought that if ppl are takin the piss out of us then some other poor buggers are being left alone.
If you can't laugh at your own misgivings then life is not very fun
Not that this describes me.
1) This old Llama is teetotal.
2) I hate white pudding and pickled onions (Don't you know the national food of Scotland is Chicken Tikka Masala and boiled rice)
3) My performance in the bedroom usually lasts a bit longer than this
Quote by MrFC
This takes the form of a breathless shout, 'Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man.'
Eventually it's all over.
The man rolls over, wipes his dick on her nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.
There's no one in the world that performs quite like a Scotsman a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex...
Well, I THINK I'm still looking forward to the Scottish Munch!!! :shock:
No way Kebabs are that foreign muck - I'm sure they are imported from Geordieland.
Had never had a kebab until I moved to N'cle nearly 20 years ago and soon realised they were the local dish. They have only worked there way north of the boarder in recent times.
Current personal favourite after pub chat up line - "Do you want some of my Haggis Pakora :shock: "
Had never had a kebab until I moved to N'cle nearly 20 years ago and soon realised they were the local dish. They have only worked there way north of the boarder in recent times.
Current personal favourite after pub chat up line - "Do you want some of my Haggis Pakora :shock: "
Quote by celticq
No way Kebabs are that foreign muck - I'm sure they are imported from Geordieland.
Had never had a kebab until I moved to N'cle nearly 20 years ago and soon realised they were the local dish. They have only worked there way north of the boarder in recent times.
Current personal favourite after pub chat up line - "Do you want some of my Haggis Pakora :shock: "
This coming from a Scot - where the staple diet is fried Mars Bars!!! tsk
I'll be honest 90% of the Kebabs consumed in the UK must be ate in Newcastle, the up side however is, we do have the highest density of pubs per square mile in the Country (City Centre that is)
