We had an interesting conversation recently with a couple we know who had tried swinging and found it didn't work for them. I believe that it actually works for far fewer people than we come to imagine in this closeted little world of SH, still less so on a long term basis along side a stable relationship.
They argued that basically most swingers were selfish self obsessed people who were unable to adjust their own needs and wants in order to sustain a relationship with another person. They suggested that, in a nutshell, these couples simply accepted the same selfishness from each other simply in order to avoid being alone.
It was not a sentiment I could agree with wholeheartedly obviously, but at the same time it is a tough one to completely refute, without completely disregarding the way society sees relationships- which as we all know is simply not possible.
So what do you think, swingers are self obsessed selfish folk, or simply accepting of the fragility caused by human desires even within relationships ?
far too deep for me i am afraid
i swing because i enjoy myself so am selfish i also swing because i enjoy watching my partner enjoy himself so am loving i swing because i enjoy bringing joy to others so am giving and understanding of others needs
swinging for me is not about being 1 thing at 1 time its far too complex
swinging is not for everyone nor should it be i would feel far too ordinary then lol
Ahh the psychology of swinging.
I imagine it meets the needs of the selfish or self obsessed as much as it meets a broad spectrum of psychological and physical needs and wants.
Who am I to judge whether such needs and wants are valid.
I have always thought that to enjoy ones self often requires considerable selfishness, otherwise there could be too many unsatisfactory compromises.
I think most couples recognise those wants and needs in each other and that is part of doing swinging. Its equally the same with conventionalists, as they also recognise a set of wants and needs, which they are equally willing to trade in return for commitment and companionship. It just doesn't involve organised sexual activities.
LOL Silk you caught me fence sitting yet again.
i think this is a 'how longs a bit of string' question
We have met some really nice and caring people thro swinging that we are proud to call friends, not just people after sex but real friends and we have also met some real arse holes that just want to turn up, shag and leave and only care about what they are getting out of it, theres good and bad in all walks of life...... im now off to the loo to have a think lol
Cor difficult question I reckon.
There is a case and i'm sure many of us would recognise that when a relationship (sorry talking primarily couples again here though many singles will of experienced the same at some point) starts to go sour that it is possible that one of the couple is in a situation that they want the relationship to continue but knows it cannot with the direction it is heading.
To try and avoid what seems the ultimate disaster new avenues are hastiy explored in an attempt at securing a 'new start' for the pair. Swinging being one of them, How many times do you see typed in here that you must be in a secure relationship if your going to swing? Lots. It doesn't stop the unwary though does it. A bit like having children to save a marriage type thing. It never is the solution but it still keeps happening.
I believe that in the end there is a selfish aspect to swinging as with most pastimes. People invest into it in different ways I guess its the acceptance level and how and your partner hold a position on monogamy that makes it different.
Am I selfish? We swing in a fashion that i'm a non- paricipant, but then my thing is watching J with others. J gets off on me watching her with others together with enjoying being with others. does that make her selfish? As after all she is giving me what i want. Am I selfish for taking what I want from the situation? I dont think so, there is balance there.
In a situation when one half has maybe been coerced into swinging. and jesus we know what that looks like having been in a situation where that was blatently obvious, then of course that's selfishness. Together with powerplay and domination of the unsavoury kind.
Blimey I have rambled sorry.
I enjoyed that post lost lots of sense in it.
Blimey must have been an afternoon poll :twisted:
Silk I believe I have been honest with people thus far so I will be honest with my thoughts to this questions as it is a really sensible one and one that I have questioned myself within myself and others.
When hubby suggested to me about swinging our marriage was content, everything was comfortable at home, but in the sexual way I guess we both were a little bored as we have been together 30 years, most things we have tried together so thought we would try something different.
When I decided to give it a go, I knew I could not meet anyone that just wanted sex, but I wanted to meet guys that would respect me for me as my husband always has not just as a sexual object, and in turn I would want to give all of me back.
We have met guys and while there were a couple that I felt were liked me, they were a couple that possibly were more self cantered. It is funny that the guys like me we are still friends and a couple of others have just drifted away.
But more like me I mean wanting to please and enjoy the other than really thinking about ourselves, but knowing that if we done that we in turn would benefit to.
I just think there are a lot of people that don’t think things through, but then if they are happy doing that it is their lives, we all have different reasons to swing this was just mine.
I decided to give up meeting as it made me realise that although I have enjoyed it and have fond memories and made I hope lasting friends. I don’t need it and never have, I had what I need at home but then I always knew that.
I just wanted to try a few different experiences with people that wanted that to.
You are Ben, and you know you have already .
:grin: